I wrote a NC letter to OM, he will not get it until Thursday. However, OM called me at home which he rarely does and wanted to know if we were going to be together. I told him no, I could not find any justification in the bible that would allow us to be together.
OM was very angry, called me a *ucking lying *itch, said he was going to tell everyone what kind of person I was, said me and H deserve each other, we are both liars, etc... made other threats.

Is this the same man that said a few weeks ago he loves me and if I decide not to leave family he would be sorry, would love me forever and cherise the 6 years we had together and move on with his life??

Now he says I lied to him for 6 years, he's wasted 6 years on me. He gave up everything for me, sacraficed for us and I've done nothing for him...

I know I did the right thing by God, now God can deal with OM...

You did the right thing, WU, and I applaud you for it. People who really care about you will help you be your best, not your worst. He wants you to be your worst. Good job. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 03, 2004, 01:05 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Thank you ML

WU..this guy sounds like a real swine. He's the kind of man that gives men a bad name.

Kudos to you, by the way...it took a lot of courage for you to send that NC letter. It's hard to stand firm, I know, especially when someone is trying so hard to manipulate you.

But you are doing great!

It sounds like you could officially attach that F now... FWW. Good for you.

Waking Up,

NC is good ... however what are you going to do in your M ?. Does H know bout this A ?. How does he take it ?. You know the next step is amending your H ... get MC right away to help both of you.

You know if you follow 4 rules of recovery ... both of you could fall in-love and keep that love to fuel a fullfiling M.

One of my concern is this A is 6 years old. You need help and support and be accountable in your NC.

Keep posting ...

-rh-

<small>[ November 03, 2004, 01:28 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

AndrewA,
Thanks for the support.

Rookkev,
F added, it felt wonderful!

Redhat,
H knows of affair, just doesn't know of contact with OM since D Day. D day was very violent and I don't feel safe right now divulging more details. I am willing to work on my marriage and do what is necessary for my kids to have parents who love each other and are in a healthy marriage. I do have accountability partners. They have supported and encouraged me to make the final cut from OM.

WU

Job well done.

you should be proud of yourself for attempting to right a wrong.

Hang in there, it is a hard road and Your H was very hurt and the marriage may not be the same for awhile, but hopefully it will make it even better!!

again way to go.

The OP was a loser anyway to mess with a married person.

<small>[ November 03, 2004, 04:00 PM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">H knows of affair, just doesn't know of contact with OM since D Day. D day was very violent and I don't feel safe right now divulging more details. I am willing to work on my marriage and do what is necessary for my kids to have parents who love each other and are in a healthy marriage. I do have accountability partners. They have supported and encouraged me to make the final cut from OM.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WU - Because of the risk of violence I am in agreement with you, for now, about not telling him about the contact. Yes, yes, I know that's not "strict MB," but since there was a history of violent reaction AND you seem to be quite serious this time about No Contact, there is little to be gained at this juncture by confessing contact right now.

There WILL come a time down the road, when you are both working hard at recovery and are able to discuss things without the "razor's being out" when you can thank him for all that he has done and especially for being patient with you. You can, assuming the marriage is stronger and calmer, at time tell him "the rest of the story" where you struggled with the Contact issue and finally were able to "break free."

Now, just what IS he doing to help rebuild your marriage?

One final cautionary note: IF there is a real chance that the OM might, out of revenge, try to talk to your husband to let him know that you were still in contact, then you may need to talk to your husband first. In that scenario, it would be best to "hear it from you first." If you need to do that, again approach it from being thankful for your husband's patience and forebearance, and let him know you are finally "out of the fog" and fully committed to him and your marriage. Then you can tell him that you struggled with No Contact and have finally been able to free yourself from the mess. Ask him to forgive you and tell him that the OM has been threatening.

I'm betting that he loves you a lot and someone, even the OM, threatening his wife will get his "defender" feathers in a knot.

God bless.

<small>[ November 03, 2004, 04:41 PM: Message edited by: ForeverHers ]</small>

ForeverHers,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
There WILL come a time down the road, when you are both working hard at recovery and are able to discuss things without the "razor's being out" when you can thank him for all that he has done and especially for being patient with you. You can, assuming the marriage is stronger and calmer, at time tell him "the rest of the story" where you struggled with the Contact issue and finally were able to "break free
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is what I am counting on.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Now, just what IS he doing to help rebuild your marriage?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He has asked several times what I want, what I need and I honestly didn't want to tell him, I still had contact with OM. (Can't serve two masters) He is continuing to be a good father and provider. He helps around the house, he buys me a flower every Friday, he leaves me notes around the house, he goes to church when I go, but he doesn't initiate it. He doesn't read his bible and doesn't take his spiritual headship in the home.
Now that I am committed to the marriage I think the change in my attitude will change the tone of the marriage. He did tell me last night that the last few days I have seemed nicer and was this from the heart or something I felt forced to do. I told him it was from the heart and it was. I knew final cut from OM was coming and it was freeing.
I really need him to develop a relationship with God and take his spiritual headship. I will keep praying for this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
One final cautionary note: IF there is a real chance that the OM might, out of revenge, try to talk to your husband to let him know that you were still in contact, then you may need to talk to your husband first.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think OM will talk to H, but if he does, I hope H will take comfort that I dumped OM and he was just doing it out of revenge. I've left it in Gods hands, whatever happens, I know it will work for good.

Waking Up,

Again, focus on fillin H's ENs, avoiding LB'ng at all cost, spending quality time one-on-one to nurture love and radical honesty.

At one point you have to tell him. Letting OM telling H first is a huge mistake, IMVHO. Why don't you get a book by Gary Smally, The Language of Love. Learn about word pictures, it is a powerfull way to comunicate.

Keep finding ways to deposit LU$ ... he would turn around. Be presistence and presevere.

God Bless you. -rh-

<small>[ November 03, 2004, 06:19 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

WU,

You said about your H </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really need him to develop a relationship with God and take his spiritual headship. I will keep praying for this.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I read this and had many thoughts,but one keeps coming back. Has it crossed your man that he is more of a leader in your family than you realize, and that perhaps his strength is coming from a power greater than him? You said he is a good father, has been a caring H bringing you flowers, etc. Further, he has forgiven you a 6 year affair.

I think what you need to do, is turn to your religion and ask God to give you the ability to realize the good in people especially the man you are married to. This is not so much about what YOU need from your H, but what YOU can give your H in the way of support, care, protection, and yes love. You have done little to none of these things for 6 years, and yet there he is trying.

Time for a perspective change WU.

God Bless,

JL

WU,
I haven't posted to you since you first arrived, but check in from time to time.

I just wanted to say I'm glad you found what you needed. I know this has been difficult for you...and that NC letter...was a hard thing to do. I remember the obligations you felt..and how heavily you were weighed down.

Just wanted to tell you I'm happy for your new found PEACE. No matter what your decision was..you MADE IT !!! and you followed through !!!

I'm giving you a standing ovation.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

A mild 2x4:

You mention God in all your post and how you are a Christian and then you say:

I really need him to develop a relationship with God and take his spiritual headship. I will keep praying for this.

I don't know if this is a DJ or not, but it seems to me your husband has been much closer to God than you have for a very LONG TIME! In fact you are the one that has been away from God with your actions. I really don't get your comment--- I really don't!

<small>[ November 03, 2004, 10:32 PM: Message edited by: Stanley568 ]</small>

What is it about OMs, and especially OMMs, that a WW is surprised when they finally show their true colors?

Here we are in a board game (not really a war, I hope) over calling a spade a spade, or whatever, yet every example I have ever encountered here on MB demonstrates OMs to be pretty darn close to what a BH thinks of them from the beginning.

WU, my W’s OMM did the same thing as yours when it was crunch time in the A. When his W found out, he turned on my W and fed her to the wolves. Called her the predator, said he was thinking of filing a sexual harassment suit, claimed he always told her he would never leave his W and family, said he was afraid of her because she is higher in the corporation. And that’s just the nice stuff.

I won’t even go into his other ongoing A’s, and lied through his teeth to everyone this side of the big ditch, as it turns out.

I knew he was a player the first time I met him, 10 years ago. My wife went out of her way to introduce us. (Why?). I even told my wife what I thought he seemed like.

I did not know the A had started just the week before, two days after they met for the first time. (Another why?)

Yet W was very hurt and embarrassed when he turned her. She felt like a fool. She felt unloved. In her own words, she still feels like a cardboard two-dimensional cartoon.

How can this be if they were soul mates? How can this be when they shared intimacy and thoughts and secrets and sex for 10 years? How is the love of her life so much a surprise to her after all?

I don’t care what anyone says I should or shouldn’t call him; he is a scoundrel. He is the closest thing to true evil I have ever encountered in life.

How can requiring a BH to play/act nice and respectful to such people ever make anyone feel better? The truth is the truth - and it may well hurt. Damn, it better hurt, or no one learns anything! There are precise words in every language on earth to express the truth of something. I will not lie by omission nor compromise my integrety just so queasy people might not be offended.

If OMs were so good and so perfect, they would not be messing around in someone else’s marriage. If they were a true friend they would never cross that line. They would not hide their light under a basket. They would help you and your husband solve problems, not use you for their own satisfaction – no matter how much you wanted to be used.

I just don’t understand. I will never understand the power of OMs.

I am beginning to think the only way to figure this out is to be one for a while. I wonder if maybe I have them all wrong and I should walk in their shoes for a few years. Seems only fair.

T

<small>[ November 03, 2004, 10:56 PM: Message edited by: Thos ]</small>

Thos,

I think..though I am not certain..that WUs OM actually did leave his wife for her..then waited quite a while for her to fill her end of the bargain..and she backed out. What he was expressing was likely the hurt of as honest a betrayal as an OM can get. He did give up everything for nothing. [not that I feel bad for him..but I can acknowledge that's a pretty big loss and quite a slap in the face..just one more reason an affair is such a bad idea]

She felt guilty for contemplating remaining in her own marriage if you can imagine such a thing! Wow, I just realized that I have to immediately recant my own statement. I felt guilty for remaining in my own marriage..and I am the BS. So I can imagine with great detail..just different motive.

It was ever thus.

--Noodle

<small>[ November 03, 2004, 11:07 PM: Message edited by: noodle ]</small>

Yeah, I know. I am trying to play nice.

In their case the roles were reversed is all. W left the day after DDay2, and I believe she thought he would come to her. Instead he unceremoniously dumped her.

He likes his bits on the side uncomplicated, if married.

Go figure.

T

Interesting you feel guilty staying in your own M. So do I. But it may be for different motives.

I still feel kind of guilty for coming between true, if adulterated, love.

I often feel like I am the ogre in their fairytale. If I had just gotten out of the way, everyone would have lived happily ever after.

T

dbl

<small>[ November 03, 2004, 11:42 PM: Message edited by: Thos ]</small>

3pl

<small>[ November 03, 2004, 11:43 PM: Message edited by: Thos ]</small>