Bob, is your real surname Pure or did you invent it. I think it befits you well. TT


it comes from my teen nickname "pureb0b". I am far from pure unless its pure bullsh1t <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yes, she is scum but she is not the one who wronged me because to me she is nothing. He was supposed to be my everything.

This is quite wonderfully true but I can't hate my FWW as much as I need to AND recover. I know, thats sick.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>If I offend seemingly everyone by referring to my FWWs sex with OM in less than glowing terms, that is very sad but I cannot change that - not yet at least.

I love you all, but this is me. Please accept my earnest regret at any offence I caused.

I am very hurt and not ready yet to filter my every comment on the board. I do not filter my loving comments nor my angry ones.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bob, honestly, I think most of the people here have an understanding for you and why you’ve used those choice of words to describe your W’s sex with the OM. You’re still very hurt and early in recovery… Your emotions are still very raw – it’s like an open wound and your reaction and choice of words is really understandable. BUT, I have a problem if a BS who is suppose to be long in recovery and view as a ‘veteran’ of this board, still using that choice of words... I think if someone like you (who are still early in recovery) using that words, it helps to get out feelings of anger, pain, hurt, grief etc. and it’s understandable, but when a recovered BS on this board who is suppose to help and advice other people on this board using those choice of words, it serves no purpose IMO… It only gives the impression that such a person is bitter & angry and not really recovered.

Bob, you're doing fine...for someone such early in recovery and after everything you've been through, you have made tremendous progress. You're a good man! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Suzet

Bob,

You shouldn't have to defend yourself for describing an illicit act as such. Lord help us all if we have to start altering the English language to make the sleazy seem less sleazy to appease the behavior cops. It seems it would make much more sense to focus on changing the behavior than the words used to describe it.

It is a strange, creepy world where the label becomes the crime instead the underlying act. [makes me think of Orwell's 1984] I think the day a person CAN refer to illicit, adulterous sex in resepctful terms, is the day that person has lost their moral compass. Decent people become outraged at injustice, not from their "bitterness" from from their sense of decency and justice. There is nothing virtuous or evolved about slapping a nice label on something bad.

As with you, Bob, I choose not to participate in such doublespeak, and not because I am mean or bitter or thoughtless, but I am realistic and fully intend to reside in the real world. That doesn't mean that there isn't a time and a place for tact, but the same is true for the converse.

So hang in there, Bob, and don't you change a thing about you. We need more just like you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 04, 2004, 07:20 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Melody, I think you might benefit from reading this thread. It's an excellent thread with a good message for us ALL. It was posted by knewbetter yesterday. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Suzet, I thought it was a wonderful thread. I am glad to see that you read it. I hope it helps. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I hope it helps for you too. It seem so! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Bob- I'm fading into the background here for awhile, but I wanted to jump in quickly to say that I think you are simply wonderful. How could anyone blame you for feeling as you do Bob? I would be surprised if you felt any other way.
Suzet's point about the newness/rawness of your emotions is well taken.

Blessings and peace to you dear Bob Pure! You don't know how many of us are praying for you and your wife.

MelodyLane said, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think the day a person CAN refer to illicit, adulterous sex in resepctful terms, is the day that person has lost their moral compass. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Or maybe they are lost deep in the fog and in heavy withdrawal. We all know the fogged have lost their ability to rationally think. There is no point to argue with such people, just guide them to a better place.

BP, it would be sick and wrong if you thought what your W shared with OM as anything beautiful, respectful or pleasant. It was illicit, and sleazy. The act, not your W. In time your W will agree with you, she really will.

I have never felt by your words that you have treated her with any disrespect. I find you to be very gracious and nonjudgmental. I believe if every WS would take this attitude it would surely help their recovery. (of course it would be better if the WS didn't have the A in the first place, but unfortunately we do not live in such a world.)

I am de-fogged, I have nothing pleasant to say about any of the acts I shared with OM. It was not making love, those words associated with the act I shared with him, could make me vomit. It was sleazy, it was distasteful, it was hurtful, it was, um, humping, that even seems too pleasant.

That is the stage of recovery I am in, maybe, but I doubt it, I would have argued otherwise in a different stage, but I would have been wrong, and irrational.

Bob, your heart is Pure, don't eat worms. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

MB-Love, (if that still exists) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
KY

<small>[ November 04, 2004, 08:27 AM: Message edited by: kyellow4 ]</small>

Bob, just wanted to tell you I think I wrote the exact same thing, at about the same time frame as you in this ordeal. I totally understand where you're coming from. Getting my feelings out with total honesty, then and now, has kept me going. CV

Bob,

FWIW, my concern yesterday was not as a result of anything you said. You are more than entitled to your feelings and your thoughts.

Yesterday, I think you said something to the effect of you didn't know how your wife felt about herself.

Have you asked her?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kyellow4:
<strong> MelodyLane said, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think the day a person CAN refer to illicit, adulterous sex in resepctful terms, is the day that person has lost their moral compass. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Or maybe they are lost deep in the fog and in heavy withdrawal. We all know the fogged have lost their ability to rationally think. There is no point to argue with such people, just guide them to a better place.


KY </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exactly, KY; your description is what I call losing one's moral compass. The ones who can call it what it really is, such as yourself, are the ones who have found that compass again. Healthy recovered WS', such as yourself, don't rationalize it or try to pretty it up, you call it what it is. Which I think is healthy behavior.

And while I agree it is fruitless to argue about it, there is no reason to accommodate a fogged out person's fogged out romantization by altering the English language.

Is that why I do not get many responses ,, casue I think MY H XOW ,, is a horriable low life scum of the earth piece of trash ,,, OR because I THINK what they did was vial , unhuman , ect..

And cause I want nothing but destruction to come her way including BODLY harm in the worse CHARLES MANSON type of way .. LOL

BOB , you are where you are in recovery both personal recovery and M ...

I am almost 2 yrs, and still feel this ,, do I need to work on this ,, YEP...

Belive it or not ,, the past couple of days reading here and receiving the ADVICE and talks on my own thread (tu ark , luv, &MM )

I like you feel this and see no need to apoligize for MY feelings IN MY situation ... NOR the need to CURB the tone ...

We are who we are ,, we can always find work to be done ..

After all I never knew FOREVER felt such things posted above ..I was shocked LOL

Every thing comes in time nothing can be rushed ..

So I do want to thank YOU and all the others here for ALL the POSTS and THREADS for the past couple of days cause ALL those THOUGHTS, VEIWS,OPINIONS even the nasty things HELPED me ....

NOW isn't that amazeing all that stuff HELPED someone ,,, every word every thing describes in every detail that it was discribed in ...

And yes people I am going to start to help myself with the issues of ANGER about XOW ...

JMO, PERSONALTY, AND 2 cents <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Bob,

I am quite a newbie here. Barely posted my story on another thread (I basically found out of my XW's affair AFTER our divorce and my demands for openess and honesty regarding our past because she, after 8 months of being divorced, decided to reconcile after all of my efforts {for 5 YEARS!!})were shot down in flames. I love her and can't seem to say no). Reading stuff from folks like you (and specifically you) allows me to understand how I feel. I look forward to hearing from you and about how you're doing.

I know I am coming in on the middle of a thread and posting accolades but I felt pretty strongly after reading his posts about him and how he (and us other BS) feels. It hit home like a ball bat to my skull.

IBob you're a reason that I will post my stories and begin to let all these MB folks help me on my way..

Thank you

BP,

With regards to your W's OM, I don't beleive anybody is telling you what or what not to feel about him. You have every righ to feel that he is vermin and the scum of the Earth. The point for you to consider is to become aware that obsessive thoughts about the OM do nothing but feed the resentment and bitterness inside of you, which in the end will only destroy your kids, your W and most of all, you. Remember JL's motto:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "Resentment [and bitterness] is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your enemies right now are Resentment and Bitterness, fight them with all your might.

Mr. PURE,

Keep in mind for all your successes and Progress, you are STILL waaay early into your Recovery.

AT some point in the future you will receive the greatest gift you could ever get concerning this OM......that being Indifference. Can't tell you exactly when and where it will come....but it will.

[This is NOT to say you'll EVER have found or pleasant thoughts of this person (highly unlikely) but he will kind of "cease to matter" on any level.]

But yes, should you Choose to "obsess" about him, you'll still get your self into an emotional uproar.

Even now I am referring to my W's xOM as the CLB.
CLB = Creepy Little [censored]. (and probably will from here on out) & YES, he is

Fortunately, most thoughts of revenge, harm or generally any thing else about him have gone by the way side.
But its taken nearly 2 years to get to this point.

IN fact, the CLB has even went as far as to attempt contact twice in the past 4 months.

At one time I would have been ready to drive over there and beat the sh*t out of this Bast*rd.

However, now (after my first hour or so of being pissed) he isn't even a concern.
I mean his attempts at this point ARE more like that of a bug (an annoyance) then the serial killer stalking me that he used to be.

NOW The CLB, even when trying to get into my life, hardly makes me bat an eye (let alone loose any sleep over).

Again, you are early on in this journey and its Natural to have these feelings. If it helps you now to have such negative thoughts towards this guy.. and need to give them a voice ..then use it.

At some point though, you'll come to recognize that it is counter productive and its holding you back from healing.
Just know that IN TIME you'll Not need that anymore and He'll simply become a sad chapter in your hopefully great M.

Isn't that the ultimate insult......to be come a footnote??
Not even a good or bad memory......simply "irrelevant". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

When you do get there for yourself, it will be a GOOD day Indeed! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />