Went to a meeting(or took a meeting as we say in southern California)with my attorney and I mentioned an idea that I had been bouncing around in my head.

My proposal was this: Since my WW by California law gets 50% of all marital accrued assets, why not make it much more tempting to her. I want to keep my 50% of assets in a trust fund payable only to the OM if two conditions are met.

1.) He must marry my WW within 3 months of our divorce

2.) He must stay married and faithful( both parties) for two years. They would obvioiusly have to agree to a serious snooping clause.If he can fulfill that two years obligation, HE gets it all.

If not, everything goes back to me.

What say you my good people of MB??

Sorry it's a little slow at the office today and you know what they say about the devil and idle fingers!

Cymanca,

I can only answer your question with a question. Do you want to remain emotionally invested (not to mention financially invested) in your W's A even after the divorce?

I wouldn't call you nuts... eccentric maybe. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I love this. However it sounds like a movie and not reality. I can't see a judge going for it. Good luck!

There you go, Cy!

Take JO's allusion 2 the movie script and combine it with your plan! THEN, do it and sell the rights 2 a script writer and recoup your losses!

Maybe even 2rn a profit from the A? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Yeah, you're nuts! Join the club!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-ol' 2long

Well, would you have said decree framed in a nice WalMart oak veneer frame and hung on your office wall???

Seriously, I agree with:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do you want to remain emotionally invested (not to mention financially invested) in your W's A even after the divorce? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">THAT is definately something to consider.

Spidey

In reality I would just be driving these two mismatched, confused people together. This then forces them to experience the very (lack) depth of their relationship and eventually catapults the WW (who I love) back into my arms with all assets intact and probably a hell of a lot quicker than the PLan A and Plan B combo.

I am surprised you didn't see through my thinly disguised machination.

AHHHHHH, I see now. WOW. That is quite the plan. Did you think of that on your own?

I think your nurses need to find other ways of keeping you busy . . . removing some stitches, cleansing gravel out of road rash, looking down a snotty throat to diagnose a contageous virus!

Schedule more patients, nurses!!!

Heh,

It's practically a dare. I love it.

If the $$ is no skin off your back..and it can be arranged legally..what a lovely little "bet" you are making with them.

"You two couldn't make it..even if I paid you".

Better make it more like six years though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It does strongly imply to your STBX that she is of litle value to you..almost like an object you are willing to sell to another man..that'd chap my *ss..if this is what you are going for..well done..if not..reconsider.

--Noodle

I like the hole thought process of you think you will be so much happier, go, but I bet my whole bank account that it won't last. I second that you need to make it 6 years or more. I too can suffer through a miserable existance if the price tag was right. You want to make this a HUGE commitment for the OP and WW. 3 months and 2 years are too easy. I agree with the 3 months, but I think 2 years is too short.

WHo cares what your Lawyer thinks, you are paying him to do as you request.

You want to F over your STBXW- make it hurt and worth your money!!

Are you still planning to send out those X-mas cards?

What has changed Cymanca? Last I heard..you were certain not to want your wife back..not marriage material..thus saith Cymanca.

Are you in earnest re: the ruse to bring an end and win her back?

--Noodle

Noodle,

Like I said , I had some time on my hands today and I guessI have a tendency to come up with some half screwy/half serious thoughts.

Yes I am trying to get the D jump started but with this major decision, I have some days and minutes when I feel very strong and other times when I feel the opposite. I can't deny my love for my wife, and the commitment that I made to this marriage. I can not begin to tell you what I have gone through with my BPD wife. Even my friends that have seen things first hand are amazed at how much of an actress my WW could be and how the next instant the hate would come poring out.

We have been through enough counseling to know that her problems were there long before I enterd the picture. Yet while she admits that to be true and in lucid moments laments what she has done and the way she has acted, she is unable to follow through on almost every promise she made me since day one. Like you said in a previous post whether I love her or not is now becoming irrelevant. She needs to be approached as a liability and I KNOW that I could not survive a false recovery.

This is easy to write but hard to enact. Almost all her actions say that she doesn't want to be with me but yet she does NOTHING to advance the D proceedings. She has always been a Taker and I a Giver and it has been exemplified by the A.

As for the X-mas card, I have been advised by my friends not to sink to her level but at times the thought of getting the COMPLETE and HONEST story out is very tempting. On the other hand that embarassment might drive her out of the area and I want the satisfaction of her running in to me with a future companion/wife/mother of my child and have to deal with that jealousy. And beside hate and anger , jealousy is one emotion that she possesses at an Olympic level.

Someone that I have tremendous respect for, once confided in me..that they cried and grieved for ten years [10 years! 10! teeeen yeaaars! ever watch gross pointe blank? good flick, anyway..] over the loss of the marriage that they had to walk away from for precisely the same reason. Loved the spouse..but no future there, just pain.

However, what they regretted most..was that the next person that they married [20 years and present day] paid the bill for the former spouses actions. Never gave themselves fully..never really trusted. New spouse was permanently robbed of fullfilling marriage [yet managed not to commit adultery, imagine that]..will never have children..etc. Very sobering indeed.

What is more sobering..was the reason given.

"That door has closed, and I don't have the key"

Before you engage in another relationship..locate the key and pry that door open..and make certain that the mate selection radar is in fine working order. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My thoughts go out to you.

--Noodle

<small>[ November 03, 2004, 11:44 PM: Message edited by: noodle ]</small>

Noodle,

Thanks so much for your thoughts. I have been living in my office for almost 7 months and and the last thing I look at is my W and OM's picture. It does give me tremendous strength to push for the D.

I know this is extremely common but my anger is not so much directed at the A(well I am p*ssed about that) but of the betrayal and lies that she told directly to my face, her family, our friends, and co-workers. I guess she has never gotten to the point where the pain of continuing is more than the pain of changing. That statement hurts me to my core.

This is my second marriage. I was single for almost 10 years before I met my wife and she bowled me over. I had promised to never marry but I met this beautiful creature that matched if not exceeded me in drive, intelligence and her apparent commitment to me. She pushed our relationship VERY hard and was talking about M in less than two months. That was my first warning sign( of many) that I chose to ignore. I was so confident in MY spiritual, psychological, and materialistic needs that I knew I didn't require much. My life was happily given to her to direct, so that she could attain the same level of fulfillment that I felt I had. Only one problem. Nothing I did was ever enough. I would lay awake at nights trying to figure out a way to show her what she meant to me because that previous ideation had now turned into a severe and plunging devaluation.

I tried to do the stupidest thing any human can do to another... To try to make them happy. I would have done anything, including moving away from a huge practice that I had built just to give us a fresh start. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I also thought that a common struggle would bring about that sense of trust and bonding that all new couples experience.

All I ever wanted was to make her happy. That is all the EN I needed from her to put it in MB terms.

Her biggest EN was security. Noodle you are one of the sharpest people here, can you explain how running off with a cabin boy on a cruise ship after knowing him less than one week jibes with that purported statement?


BTW Grosse Pointe Blank was a great flick

<small>[ November 04, 2004, 12:19 AM: Message edited by: Cymanca ]</small>

Cym predictably i LOVE the deviousness of it and the fact that the odds are massively in your favour...but can you imagine your deflation if they actually do it ?

And if they don't how do you NOT look smug ? ( if you care ! I wouldn't ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She has always been a Taker and I a Giver and it has been exemplified by the A.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cy, therein lies the problem.

A wife young enough to be your daughter but with a serious mental condition. She is predisposed to "taking" and you are predisposed to "giving 'til it hurts" because you haven't reached the realization that a marriage is supposed to be a union of "equals," of "completers" of each other. No, instead you think if you just row faster in your direction that the boat will eventually start going straight even though she is rowing in the opposite direction and all you are doing is "keeping busy" while going around in circles.

Your "idea" that the lawyer thought was "nuts" is a "nice idea" but not practical, and probably not legally enforceable. When you separate assets, each person retains control over their part of the assests to the exclusion of the other. Now if you want to potentially surrender YOUR half of the assest to the their fantasy, or guile, be my guest.

I understand what you were trying to say in getting them to rely solely on themselves, but you can accomplish that without involving finances. A legal separation, totally dark Plan B, would accomplish that. She leaves so you are not "abandoning" the marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Almost all her actions say that she doesn't want to be with me but yet she does NOTHING to advance the D proceedings. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So what's new in this? This is typical of all cakewalkers. You don't establish a boundary, and she'll walk all over you every time. In short, you are enabling her to "live both worlds" while you are tormented. Plan B is to protect the remaining love you have for your wife and to "force" her to deal with ALL the consequences of her choices, including depending on the OM to meet ALL of her Needs, emotional, physical, and financial.

Reality, not fantasy. The "morning without the makeup" versus only the "cleaned up" version. IF you wish to save your marriage, and this doesn't seem clear from what you've said, then perhaps you might want to consider Plan B and see how she deals with the OM providing for all of her needs.

But I'm concerned that her mental condition, left unvigorously treated, will not be something that you can overcome. Certainly not with just being a "giver." In order for you to have an effect, she must be both willing to remain in a faithful marriage with you AND seek aggressive medical care for her condition and STAY on therapy.

God bless.

Cymanca, I walk into my attorney's office with crazy ideas all the time -- and this is certainly one I could've come up with. Your idea appeals to me at that level. It's creative and nutty and lovely.

However, I would suggest that you not do it. You're starting to see the problems in your own way -- you wanted to make your wife happy, and that you never quite got there led you to a relationship that had some pretty strong elements of dependency and control.

My marriage did, too. I'm not really sure who controlled whom; I think there were control elements going both ways.

Or to put it in MB terms, we were sacrificing ourselves for one another. If I didn't want to do something but she did, then I would sacrifice even if it hurt prettty badly. If she didn't want to do something but I did, then she would sacrifice in return. It creates a yucky dynamic that really doesn't work in a marriage, in the long term.

In this case, if you tie up your own assets that way, I'd guess that they will go ahead and do what it takes to actually get the money, because you will have made it a competition where they can "win." They'll sacrifice for each other and for the benefit of the win -- and they'll do it until they DO win. After that, things may fall apart in a hurry. But they won't fall apart while you're giving them an incentive not to.

So what would I do at this point? Get yourself as completely and utterly separated from her as you possibly can. Cut the ties in every way that they can be cut. Leave no way for you to exert any influence over their lives.... and then get out of the way and live well. If you want to wait for things to fall apart, great -- go ahead. But don't expect anything that you do to have anything but the opposite effect of what you want.

Why do things work this way? I don't really know, though I've been watching the dynamics of these messes for a while. But they do.

Cymanica,

I don't know why this post really resonated in me.....but I found it to be just as ingenious as I did sad.

I suppose I can relate to how you feel. For years, much like you, I gave and gave to my H....but was never on the receiving side. Masochistic is the word that has been used to describe me. Destroying myself in the effort to "make" another person happy. At the beginning, H always said I "made" him happy. That he would be "happy" as long as he had me - he needed nothing else.

But I see now that it could never be true. He needed more than me. He needed the love of his parents. He needed the love of himself. And until he truly grasped that, he would never be able to really "love" me the way I loved him.

I think what really touches me in this post is that even through the brilliant creativity of such a scheme, your hurt shows through. I get the feeling that you don't just want your W to come back to you. You want her to love you the way you love her. With devotion, care, and intimacy. But she is incapable.

I wouldn't spend too long pondering how OM is fulfilling her in ways you couldn't. The point is that she can't fulfill herself, and if she can't do it, noone will be able to. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> It will be a hard lesson for her to learn, if she ever does.

But realize that you cannot hold that responsibility for her unhappiness. You should not take that responsibility. Try to relinquish that control, and focus on caring for yourself. You need it - there is a lot of pain involved in all of this, and you will need to give yourself some of the TLC you spent so many years giving her....JMVHO <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

I really do feel your pain..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

L.I.T.

I wrote the opening topic with tongue planted firmly in cheek. I always knew that I have a dark side(Gary Larson??)to my humor and it helps me blow of steam.

You are correct. I am a masochist. I am a Giver. I have always been that way with my family and friends. I see no greater compliment than to have someone speak of my unquestioning loyalty and how easily I give. Perhaps in my subconscious way I found the ideal mate and she in me.

What I found that I do need is that at the end of the day, when the entire world has painted a bullseye on my butt, I could come home to my fortress. With my loving wife and cats by my side. Everything would be ok as long as I could stumble through that door.

And that, like the Mastercard ad proclaims ...............is PRICELESS

<small>[ November 04, 2004, 09:54 AM: Message edited by: Cymanca ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I think it was the 'dark side' to that humor that drew me into your post. I have always taken a great liking to the 'darker' humors, but am just not creative enough to invent my own <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I know what you mean about coming home to a loving spouse and 'family.' I could have been happy with very little if my H had even given me that much. But I suppose now I want more. And I realize that the dream with him will never be.

It sure is hard sometimes, though. Glad you could blow off some steam.......

and from those of us who still get a slightly Evil Tingle from the plot.....

Muuuuuuuuuahahahahahah - Take that you unrepentant evildoers! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />