I have the book His Needs, Her Needs and it has helped us A LOT in our relationship since my husband had an Affair. I am wondering if SAA has any new information to help me/us. His last affair was a ONS. Most happen when he is deployed and aren't lengthy relationships. So I don't know if SAA will address that, or if it is geared more towards those trying to end an affair. Thank you for any advise on this book.

<small>[ November 07, 2004, 06:08 PM: Message edited by: nsane ]</small>

SAA is good to help you the BS to understand the dynamics of the A. It also gives the BS a plan of action that can be used to end A's. It's worth the 10-15 bucks at very least. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Don't know how many A's your H has had but it sounds like there are still issues in your M that need attention if he is still doing this. What would really help is some phone IC or MC with Steve Harley or Jennifer C @ MB. You can set up a session through this website. It's not cheap but it is worth every penny. If you do not take some action about your H's behavior then he WILL DO IT AGAIN!! Dr. Harley can get you and your M pointed in the right direction.

Please continue to post here when you need to vent. We all know what you are going through! You are not alone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God Bless and take care.

C.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am wondering if SAA has any new information to help me/us </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SAA is focused more about A themselves...it goes over HNHN...Lovebusters..but all the dynamics surrounding an A...are covered.

Definately worth it...and you'll find it double as much help as HNHN.

As a matter of fact..I started in the opposite direction.. SAA first ...then LoveBusters..then HNHN.

sorry you're here under these circumstances...but you're armed well.... there are only more tools to be found on this site !!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Don't know how many A's your H has had but it sounds like there are still issues in your M that need attention if he is still doing this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is in the military and when we were first married I couldn't join him in Germany. We were apart for 1 1/2 years. That is where the first affair occurred and the OC happened. I don't know for sure how many affairs after that included sex, but there were probably four instances of inappropriate behavior. The last one then was 8 years ago. We moved 7 months ago overseas and the hours of his new job has been pretty stressful on the family. I knew something was wrong with us. I was feeling like we were more like best friends or roommates. Unfortunately I didn't voice my concerns loud enough. Of course now we both see we weren't meeting each other's emotional needs and are working on that (his sexual needs and my affection needs).

It is my biggest fear that this will happen again. We've been to a couple of marriage retreats through our Chaplain's program and attended seminars in the past. But then we get caught up in our daily lives and forget what we've learned. What if we don't keep this up? How do you remember what you've learned and not let it get drowned out in the future?

We are in MC, the first time in all of our history. Only have had three sessions, but it seems to be going well. I just wish my husband can figure out why he does this. Does anyone ever figure it out? He said the most recent one was for the sex. Claims he can't remember why the others happened. (I can understand the first, but not the others. There seemed to be nothing lacking in our relationship then.)

Thank you both for your advise. I will get the book. Please post if you have any other insight to offer. (BIJ, I love your signature's quote!)

nsane, Surviving an Affair might be a help, but a better help would be individual counseling for himself. It sounds like he is a serial cheater for whom cheating is a way of life, rather than an aberration of character. Marriage Builders is more designed to address the latter, rather than a character issue.

He can change, though, if he chooses to change with the right counseling. Is he committed to changing himself?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What if we don't keep this up? How do you remember what you've learned and not let it get drowned out in the future? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you don't keep it up it will repeat itself. To remember what you have learned you simply make it the most important thing in your lives. And when either one of you try to stray from the program I suggest that you try to remember how you feel right now. Personally when dealing with addiction or lack of motivation I think that it is helpful to focus on a intense feeling that you can remember. Use these memories to help you to both keep from getting caught back up in the daily hustle and making excuses for why you can't follow up on your commitment.

God Bless and Take Care,

C.

I think he is committed to changing himself. Before I could suggest going to counseling, he did, and he called for the appt. They wanted to see both of us, and have said that most of the time they'll see both of us, and then individually when needed. I will reiterate that I want to focus on him, as we seem to be doing well by following MB guidelines.

When I confronted him about the ONS while TDY I told him that I thought he had a problem, maybe a sexual addiction. It's probably not technically a sexual addiction, it may be something else, but there is a problem. Perhaps because we never really addressed the past affairs (other than me kicking him out so he could "think" for 5 days), he now thinks that he can get away with infidelity. His father had affairs also, and he was very angry at his father when he found out about them. This was before he had any of his own.

I am just confused. Things are going very well between us (been four weeks). We are using the MB principals. But I have that nagging feeling, am I doing the right thing by staying. Is it going to happen again in the future. I tell him my fears, and he is so optimistic. He tells me that he sees what we were doing wrong, and now that he knows what I need from him, we'll be ok. I just need to trust that, but it's hard.

Thank you for listening and being there.

nsane, MB principles can be helpful in any marriage, but in your case can you honestly say that your H's affairs ocurred as a result of unmet needs? That is usually not the case with a serial adulterer. And since that is not the cause, it cannot be the solution. See what I mean?

It will HELP, don't get me wrong. But your H has character issues that have to be addressed that go outside of marriage counseling.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> can you honestly say that your H's affairs ocurred as a result of unmet needs? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sure that the first and last affair occurred because of unmet needs. Those inbetween, there didn't seem to be anything lacking in our relationship at the time, except that usually we were not physically together due to military obligations.

I brought it up today in MC that I still don't understand how he could make that decision (to cheat), and what it is inside of him that thinks it's ok since it has happened before. He thinks this time it was a combination of things, unmet needs, opportunity and thinking I would never find out since he was TDY somewhere he/we would never be again. I think he thinks that as long as we work on meeting each other's needs and being open with each other, it won't/can't happen again. I see the possibility of us having ups and downs and of course the biggy, him being sent away again (although not in the near future).

Is there anything out there to learn more about "serial cheaters"? I would like to see if he meets the 'criteria' and how it's dealt with.

Thanks all!

just bumping to see if anyone can advise me about "serial cheating".

Thanks

Change the title of your post to ask for info on serial cheaters. That way you will get the MBr's that know the most about this topic to answer.

C.

I'm new here as of today...But I also am a military spouse with a H that I believe has cheated more than once, but I only have proof of atleast once after getting an STD from my H.

We have lived apart now for about 2 years due to Korea (unaccompanied tour) and now Iraq.

I know so many other spouses that have been victims of affairs, some get through it some don't. I am still really trying to figure out if I want to or not.

Hang in there and keep trying. I have also thought about the marriage retreats, did they help at all?

Hi nsane,

I agree with ML... your H has some issues that he needs to address with an IC... My W had multiple A's during our first three years of M and they sure weren't caused by 'unmeet needs'...

With IC and meds for my W, lots of prayer, and strong Christian based MC, my W and I dealt with all of her past issues and our relationship issues and slowly started rebuilding our M...

Another good book for you to read is Torn Asunder by Dave Carder... Our MC gave us this book and it really addressed my feelings and emotions as a BS.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

ArmyMom78

I know how hard it is to find out when he is away. That is what happened to us our first years of marriage. He was in Desert Storm when I found out. Once back together he did the "single guy" thing too, saying he was just going out with the boys. After being hit with reality, he stopped it all. That lasted 8 years. (I also got an STD from him, but that affair was never confirmed until recently.) We never really dealt with the affairs and afterwards avioded the topic. Since his ONS we are in MC and reading HNHN, a very good book for our current situation (unmet needs).

It's hard to think of the right words to say to you. It is a very long and hard road, but you can do it if you both want make that effort. Read over this site, get some good books. Learn how to communicate without love busting. In reading HNHN my husband and I are making notes in the margin to each other about what is important to us and what hits home. Perhaps you can do the same with any book or print outs you read for your husband. We are also keeping journals to help remind us of the behaviors we want to learn. Definately start counseling now for yourself! I went to see a Chaplain for IC and he really helped me sort out my feelings and develope a plan.

The marriage retreats we went to were really good. They were through the military. But, you get what you take out of it and USE. We would be able to live by what we learned for a few months, but then forget to listen and communicate the right way. Just got caught up in life. I hope it doesn't happen this time. I'm pretty sure the pain of it this time will remind us that we don't want to be here again and keep us working at our marriage. Of course I'm afraid, being military, of future opportunities for him to cheat. That is what I've been trying to get answers for on this site.

Take care and good luck.