Well last night my H had our children while I was at school. When I got home at 9pm they were ALL gone. I was only due home at 9:30pm. I called his cell phone, and lost my cool. I wanted to know WHY he had left the house with them at this hour. The truth? The OW and her kids were at the corner store about a block from here, and she wanted to 'see' what his kids 'looked' like so he ran them over there for a few minutes. I know this to be the case because my son explained what happened to me. My H and I both went in to put the kids to bed, and I kept my emotions in check, for the kids sake. After they were in bed I went outside to 'talk' to him...
I explained to him that my feelings, and our agreement about the OWs involvement with OUR children had not changed, and he violated that. He said that the OW was very jealous of me, and my children and wanted to meet them. I had only really been in plan A for a week (D-Day was August 3rd, but I wasn't REALLY using plan A, and I didn't REALLY know how to use it before coming to MB. Well I THOUGHT I had been doing good... BUT, he upset me so much, that I lost my cool. I told him that I loved him, and wanted the affair to end, but that our children need NOT to be involved. Well this turned into that and we ended up arguing for about an hour. I used LB in the way of demands and jugements, I regret it now. He finally said that he couldn't ever come back to this house, because it holds to many memories, and he also holds out hope that he maybe someday will be happy with the OW. He said he hopes my books and MB is true and he can someday come home, but he isn't ready. He ended up driving off, very angry. Today when we talked I apologized for loosing my temper. I said 'babe' and he said to me "don't say I love you, or call me babe after how being so mean to me last night" I said...I am sorry that I lost my temper. You were out of line with the children, and I was out of line. I said "I am hurt by your actions and your choice to stay with the OW" He said "I was trying to be involved with my children, and I F*ed up by letting them see the OW, and now your going to use that against me" Then I just said I hope you have a good night, and he said goodbye.
I am not sure what to do.....I could use ANY advice. I do plan to speak with a lawyer about legally making sure the OW can't see the kids...But on a level of my H and I...I am not sure what to do.
Thank you for reading..
Danielle

First I want to say that I would have not been as nice as you were. Involving himself in an affair is one thing, but the kids? That's out of line in a way I can't even explain!

As for where to go from here. I think talking about what happened is best. When you are both calm that is. He seems to understand that what he did was wrong. So I'd let him know that incident is in the past. You can't make him keep the kids away from her, you will have to trust that he'll keep his word and never do it again. He said something about you using this against him. I'd make sure you address that you will not do that and then keep your word too (easy to say, hard to do, I know!).

I'm sure you'll get better advice here than this. I'm pretty shocked that your husband would take your kids to see her and for that specific reason (she wanted to know what they looked like). So my reply is a bit well....Jaded.

Jaded,
Thank you for the reply. He knows it was NOT okay to bring them to see her, yet he still did it. She is NOT a "moral or upstanding" individual, and I have no respect for her. She puts him on the spot like "I am just down the road at X store. You know how bad I want to meet your kids, bring them by, okay? He doesn't have the guts to say no to her I guess. I have made it very clear to him that this will NOT happen again. He didn't tell our children who she was, so he didn't see the harm. I won't use it against him, but I am not OK with having him watch the kids while I am gone...because of this. I love him, and he is in such a thick fog that he can't see the reality of his actions...
Danielle

Your reaction was normal and expected given that this involved your children.

Apologize and continue with your PLAN A.

Why he's not living it home? It will be best for him to move back in during PLAN A.

Mimi,
I would give the world to have him back home. He lives on board his ship, or spends nights at the OW house. He does not want to live here...because he is 'confused' and doesn't see how we can work things out. He will admit he is not happy with the OW, but when asked why he would be with her if he is not happy he says something like 'she patched the missing pieces in what I was missing from our relationship'. He admits he wished he would have never met her, but now that he has, he is in love. He basically has shut off everyone else in his life, friends, family etc. I am doing my best with Plan A from a distance...and contact every other day, minus duty days.
Danielle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DanigirlinVA:
<strong> he is in such a thick fog that he can't see the reality of his actions...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Truer words have not been spoken.
Keep up the Plan Aing. She may meet one need but you are there meeting them all. He'll eventually break through the fog. Hang in there and maybe find someone else to watch the kids for now without seeming obvious why you're doing it.

I can totally see where you blew up from. I did the same thing. Our kids already new the OW because she was their nanny- however once it turned into an A I wanted them to have nothing to do with her, It hurt them as they liked her. Everytime my H would have her to the house when I was not home and even when I was it was a crushing blow to the chest. I would see red as I am sure you did last night. He was WAY out of line to take them to meet her and her kids. Now your kids are stuck in the middle, and they should not have met her because my guess is they are confused as to why daddy is not living with them and who this other person and children are. Does he not see what he is doing to them, probably not as he is in fog land and thinks that everything is so very great with her. Well everyday life has not hit them yet, bills, homework, bed time. Right now they are in a constant state of Disneyland time and they only see the world through rose colored glasses when it comes to their relationship. He is not thinking with anything, he is only going with the here and now feelings that he gets from her. I am sorry this stage sucks!!

You did not ruin everything, you are human you have feelings and he should feel bad. Yes he is looking for what ever he can to justify his affair to himself. It is going to take a lot, so you have many more chances to turn a cool calm. Eventually it will get easier.

I will pose a few questions. I am looking for suggestions to how to react to them...

I call him after work..he says "WHAT do you need?" (he is apparently with the OW)
MY responce "I wanted to see if you had a good day, and to tell you I love you"
His responce "Well now isn't a good time, so quit calling"

I say to him "I hope soon you are able to see that we love you and that I am willing and ready to work on a thriving marriage, and I wish you would come home"
His responce "I KNOW Danielle, please don't start this right now"

I say "I love you (H name)"
Responce--"I know, sorry"

He says "If you ever need me to come 'tuck you in at night' just say so.
My responce "I would love for you to come home and sleep in our bed every night"
His responce "That isn't an option and you keep asking me to do unrealistic things"


Any advice..??
Thank you all so very much, you have no idea how much I appreciate it.
Danielle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He is not thinking with anything, he is only going with the here and now feelings that he gets from her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is so true..
I ask him about his life in 6 months, 1 year, etc and he says "Your thinking to deep about this"
I don't think I am...but then again he has NO interest in thinking about how this might effect his life in the long run. He gets out of the Navy in 5 1/2 months...and if it doesn't happen before then, he will realize that he has to make some tough choices then.

First for him to say that it is not an option for him to come home and stay home shows you how much of a fog he is really in. HE can He is just CHOOSING not too. Why, he knows you are waiting there for him, and he is with this other person. He is having his cake and eating it with a bowl of ice cream. Why would he give it up? My H did not.

What does he mean that he will tuck you into bed if you want? Is he implying SF? I slept with my H during the A, dumbest thing I could have done IMO- does not mean the same for you. However I was at home taking care of his house and kids, I told him I loved him, I was working while he was not, and I would have SF whenever he wanted- what a life for him, sucky for me. Why would he give it up?

Yes you need to leave yourself in a good light with him, but you do not need to go out of your way to do so. When you see him be nice, when he calls be nice. you should STOP calling him unless it has something to do with the children or house and you can not do it on your own or have someone else do it for you. All you are doing is hearing him be mean so he can look good and committed to the OP. Be pleasent again when you see him, always look GOOD and flirt and do what not, but stop throwing yourself at him, another thing i did, I lost self respect and respect of my H. Be nice, but live your life like you are doing just fine.

I am sorry this sucks and you should not have to do this. This OW will never measure up in the end. Stop letting him have his cake and eat it too.

Is he open to any type of individual or marriage counseling? Or is that off limits to him?