Husband and I separted three weeks ago. Found out he was having an emotional affair with woman in another country. Talks to her by phone, e-mails, has seen her a several times over the past two years. Swears no physical contact--totally irrelavent to me, as it is still an afffair. Some issues have come to light in the past few weeks concerning childhood sexual abuse that we both experienced, but had never told anyone (including each other) about. Once this came out we realized that we needed to individually work on our own demons before we addressed the marriage. (There are other circumstances that I do not feel comfortable going into here, but feel that for now we do need to be separated.)

We are both just starting IC, and have essentially agreeed that the marriage issue has to be put on the back burner for now. We have had several very good heart to heart talks. He has no one else other than the psych to discuss these issues with. I have been very kind to him, and have done my best to be a good friend (the only one he really has) in order to help him deal wilth his feelings.

Tonight after we had talked for several hours, I asked him if he was still in contact with the OW> He said yes, he was still calling her, but once again that they were "just friends." I told him that in order to begin to re-earn any trust on my part that NC was necessary if only to prove to me that he was willing to truly be there for his family (meaning the kids, and of course for me to be willing to help him figure out why he has done the things that he has done). He flatly said he was not willing to do this. At this point, I told him that I did not want to see him anymore.

So, even tho we are not truly dealing with the marriage problems right now (and please don't slam me for that--if you understood the entire situation you would be amazed that I have even been able to be supportive of him in any way). Is is time to go to Plan B? I feel right now that if he isn't willing to do the NC, and prove it to me that I cannot trust him in any way with anything. I certainly cannot go on trying to be his friend and doing my best to help him sort thru his other problems. I have no idea if we can ever even get to the point right now where we will address the marriage problems, but I am still legally his wife, and the disrespect he is showing me is intolerable. So, all of you vets out there is it time to go to Plan B?

it is time for plan B when you are ready for it, There is no magical 8 ball that lets us know when we have had enough. It is up to you. I wish you best. 3 weeks is short though. Is he living at home? She lives in another country, how far away is she? Just thinking if you push him out the door if she is not too far away he might go there....

Just something to think about.

He left home 3 wks ago. She lives in Mexico and we live in the US. I have written my letter and will probably e-mail it to him tonight. I am not willing to deal with the disrepect any longer. He is cake eating and running away from our family and his repsonsibilities and perhaps he needs this jolt to decide what his true priorities are. I am not willing to pour my heart out to him, have him do the same as we have been doing the past two weeks, only to have him very callously tell me that he isn't going to stop talking to his "friend." I am not a person to put up with much crap, but now I realize that I have been doing nothing but that for years. I am the only friend he has to talk to about this right now, and I don't feel that he is deserving of my love and care if he has so little respect for me that he is still willing to carry on with his affair. I feel used and abused right now, and I am worth more to myself than to be his mental punching bag. It's time for him to face the consequences of his actions.
BTW he told me tonight that he's would never leave me for her (some cold comfort there), but that they are still talking. Bunk! Say I. When he left tonight I was sitting right in front of his car rocking and sobbing. He merely jumped in his car and said "Call me later, dear." I immediately called him back and told him he needed to get back here to talk to me. He called a few seconds later and said he was not coming back. I hung up. The man is a coward, who I thought was ready to face up to his problems, but he is not. At this point he is not worthy of me or my willingness to emotionally be there for him.

With consideration for the history of the marriage..

A truly superb plan A is probably a better idea if the recovery of the marriage is your honest desire..

The approach you are considerring is likely to send him straight off without giving you a chance to do any work on the M and he really..really may not come back OW or no.

However..if you feel that plan A is not something you can sustain..and don't really care to be the only person working on the M for a time..then I guess plan B is the only option. Or plan D.

You seem fairly certain. Are you ready for this?

--Noodle

Mystified, I am reluctant to post to you again because I have posted to you before and you didn't heed my advice. So here goes nothing.

It is way too soon to go into Plan B. Plan B will just give him relief from you right now because you havent' done Plan A. You will be throwing him into the arms of the OW.

Plan A and Plan B are in that order for a very important reason because if you jump right into Plan B, and skip Plan A, the WS is GLAD! Now he doesn't have to deal with your lovebusters, tears, anger, etc.

On the other hand, had you done Plan A for a few weeks/months and avoided lovebusters and tried to be as attractive as possible, you would have given him reason to miss you. As it is now, it is doubtful that he will miss you at all in Plan B because you have not corrected the dynamics that made him so disillusioned in his marriage that he seeks refuge in a 26 yr old girl. The dynamics are the same, Mystified.

If you go dark now, the last thing he will remember is you sitting in the car sobbing after you told him what an SOB he is. That is the memory of you that will be imprinted on his mind.

That will help the OW. Do you want to help the OW or do you want to help yourself?

You must ask yourself an important question: if you were your H, who would you choose? An angry, distraught wife or a silly, admiring 26 year old girl who gives you no trouble?

Please read my previous posts to you and consider what I say. Because outside of that, I no of nothing else you can do.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=033383;p=1#000000

Melody,
I'm not sure why you feel I didn't heed your previous advice. Other than not revealing his affair to our families and children, I felt that I was going a pretty good Plan A. Due to some very ugly issues in our family dynamic (most of which I have just learned of) I do not have any idea if our marriage is even salvagable, or if our getting back together would be in the best interests of my familly. So MB is probably the wrong place for me and my problems, but it's the closest thing I've found (other than my IC). At this point, I'm just trying to keep my own and my children's heads above water emotionally. I was trying to do Plan A mainly to make him realize what he was missing here, and that he was in grave danger of losing all of us. He seemed to be understanding this, but now I see that he is just living in his own little fantasy world. I chose to no longer make my self vulnerable to his callousness and selfishness. I guess this will be my last post here as my goals right now are trying to maintain the best relationship I can between my children and their father, but respect is a two way street, and I'm not getting any. I'm sorry not to be able to be more clear about my situation, but I do appreciate your advice.

Mystified, how long have you been in Plan A? I thought your D-day was in October. It takes anywhere from 3 to 6 months to really execute a decent Plan A.

Have you exposed the affair to your family? That is probably the single most effective step you can take to hasten the end of this affair. Were you able to get the book Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley?

I would really hate to see you give up at this point. You would certainly be within your rights, but this is not a hopeless situation.

I do realize that this is very difficult, but it not hopeless and it will take alot of work if you do want to save your marriage. It is probably harder to get a divorce.

Do you want to save this marriage?

<small>[ November 03, 2004, 10:04 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mystified44:
<strong> Melody,
I'm not sure why you feel I didn't heed your previous advice. Other than not revealing his affair to our families and children, I felt that I was going a pretty good Plan A. Due to some very ugly issues in our family dynamic (most of which I have just learned of) I do not have any idea if our marriage is even salvagable, or if our getting back together would be in the best interests of my familly. So MB is probably the wrong place for me and my problems, but it's the closest thing I've found (other than my IC). At this point, I'm just trying to keep my own and my children's heads above water emotionally. I was trying to do Plan A mainly to make him realize what he was missing here, and that he was in grave danger of losing all of us. He seemed to be understanding this, but now I see that he is just living in his own little fantasy world. I chose to no longer make my self vulnerable to his callousness and selfishness. I guess this will be my last post here as my goals right now are trying to maintain the best relationship I can between my children and their father, but respect is a two way street, and I'm not getting any. I'm sorry not to be able to be more clear about my situation, but I do appreciate your advice. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mystified:

Sorry for your pain. Are the "ugly issues in the fanily dynamics" really salvageable? Some may have a different opinion, but please remember that ALL MARRIAGES SHOULD NOT BE SAVED. I think sometimes the END DOES NOT JUSTISFIS THE MEANS. Please remember that. I am not telling you what to do here, but I can sense what you are feeling. Do not continue to do a PLAN A unless this is something you feel in your heart that you have to do. There are times that WS do irrepreable damage (and despite what many think) , I believe there is no undoing it without causing far greater pain. Good luck, and I will say a prayer for you.

<small>[ November 03, 2004, 10:12 PM: Message edited by: lemonman ]</small>

Lemonman,
Thanks for the kind words and the prayers. As to the "ugly issues" my older kids are aware of them. Even tho they love their dad, I have seriious reservations of what even attempting to salvage the marriage would do to their psyches, not to mention their opinion of me. I think in some ways a reconciliation would be a betrayal to them. My daughter, husband and myself are all in IC, and at this point, my focus is on the three of us dealing with what needs to be dealt with. I guess since we are not doing MC at this point, my WH feels perfectly free to continue his phone relationship with the OW. Guess he needs an escape with dealing with the guilt he feels for what he has done to our family, so he can call her, have his ego built up, and for a few minutes feel better about the whole horrible mess for a little while.
Right now I just want him to realize that continuing his A is causing me once again to have no trust that he is willing to do the work to at least have me have some kind of respect for him. I am doing my best to help my children that we all have issues that need to be dealt with. Right now he is only willing to work on his own problems, and my feelings are totally of no consequence. I will continue to remain calm, kind and civil, but at this point he's on his own. Until he comes to the realization that his family is the most important thing in his life, then he is living in a dream world. I am here at home facing the reality everyday. I have to answer the questions of my 11 yr old whose world has fallen to pieces. I have clearly told my older children that we are done with secrets and pretending to be a "perfect family." So, I cannot and will not become an accessory to his fantasies. If only as the mother of his children, and the fact that we are legally still married, he owes me respect instead of the callousness he is displaying now. I guess it's time to see a lawyer and cover my butt.

Mystified, have you decided then to just end the marriage? Because unless you are willing to do alot of work yourself, that will probably be the result.

As you have probably figured out, your H has lost his mind, figuratively, and will not be able to find his way back alone. He is not available to work on his marriage, and has no willingness. If it is to be saved, it would be up to you initially, the only sane person in this scenario.

If you don't want that burden, which is perfectly understandable, your marriage will likely end. What have you decided?

<small>[ November 04, 2004, 06:49 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>