MYOS, I encourage you to post this stuff. This board is for all of us, and there has to be knowledge and understanding.

I have a WS who clearly enjoys all the romantic affair stuff, and when she feels guilty, she seems to rationalize it as unfortunate, but necessary and unavoidable.

GC

LOW , I like the rubber band thing I could use it for the triggers of the A ,,, OH man I may need medical attention before the day is over ... LOL

MYOS ,, time will help , and a comforting BS will make it better ..

LUCK TO YOU !

Thought I would share something I found a couple of years ago, just before DD2. Perhaps it could help you in your struggles...

"The past is over and done and has no power over me. i can begin to be free in this moment. Today's thoughts create my future. I am in charge. I now take my own power back. I am safe and I am free.

The point of power is always in the present moment."

You see there are many similarities between the FWS and the FBS....pain is pain, recovery of spirit takes time.

...thoughts of our future is all we truly have sometimes....hope that yours are full of strength,conviction and most of all hope.

Sincerely,
AG

Graycloud. Thank you for posting to me. I know it is hard to post to a lady that cheated on her husband. I am so sorry that you are one of the hurt ones. I always feel sad for the BH's that post here.

Since my H refuses to talk about my affair~I FEEL his pain through men like you. I NEED to feel and undertand HIS pain, so thank you so much for writing me.

3is a crowd. What a perfect ID and so true! I gotcha on needing medial attention after all that rubber band flicking today! Thanks.

A Grace. Yeah, you are right. We need to live in TODAY. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is such an uncertainly.
"Today is the first day of the rest of our lives"
Thanks for your message.

This will be my last message for today but I will be back tomorrow morning.

Thanks to all that posted and to those that read and are 'just thinking' about all this.

Everyone was so loving and caring.
Even though this selfish FWW does not deserve it.
Thank you from my sincere heart.

You are all just WONDERFUL!
You have shown the true MB spirit.

BS and FWS coming together with so much love and caring for ME; an undeserving lady that broke her marriage vows.

I leave here today with a broken heart for what I did. But also with a heart that knows TODAY, through God's grace, I can be a better person and have more empathy for others because of my own mistakes.

Good Luck to all of you. If I could make one wish for each of you, it would be that you could have a heart that can truly forgive.

And remember:
"Sometimes all you can do is go on with your life THE BEST YOU CAN."

End of sermon! Pastor Rachel~heehee~
('See' you tomorrow.)

MYOS,

I was mowing the lawn yesterday, thinking about your post and thought "If you are really serious about de-romanticizing the affair have Noodle write a private scenario concerning her thoughts on an A.

Did you happen to see her post on the DC thread?

It was the wrong place for it (she admits) but this thread is probably a very good place to post it or something similar.

She can throw a bucket of ice water on any warm and fuzzy feelings you may have concerning your A.

k <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BS and FWS coming together with so much love and caring for ME; an undeserving lady that broke her marriage vows </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MYOS...you REALLY have to stop thinking that way...I'm going to haunt you..and make you STOP beating yourself up.

You made a mistake of judgement, this doesn't leave you any more undeserving of love and caring than anyone else walking the face of the earth.

I say this to you FIRMLY... if you aren't easier on YOURSELF...you will hinder your OWN forgiveness !!!

2X4 put down now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

MYOS BIJ is absolutely right.

I dont say " Hi I'm Bob and I once spent time under arrest for assault, once tried hard drugs and cheated to get into my sport first team when I was eighteen".

The "F" is important. You are NOT having an affaor - not actively engaged in a sin that you CHOOSE to define you. You have STOPPED It and are making amends with God and the world after it.

READ thsi site & the books. It is PERFECTLY NORMAL to still have feelings for OP for a while., It is a SYMPTOM of recovery like a runny nose is a symptom of a cold !

Recognise it as something you must get past to recovery and DO NOT beat yourself up because of it.

Affairs are horrible and unforgivable, but RECOVERY feelngs are part of a predictable process that you can IN NO WAY be held responsible for as long as you stay in NC.

{{{MYOS}}}}

Romanticizing....fantasies.... they are dangerous stuff all around. It doesn't matter who does it.

When I romanticize something, and then the event happens, I'm almost always dissapointed. My expectations became so high that I didn't appreciate the reality as much. This hurt my marriage so much. (Of course, I'm not suggesting that anyone break NC to do this).

I have fantasies about my H and OW (very masochistic), but I bet they hurt my marraige just as much as your fantasies about being with OM hurt your marriage.

I also have fantasies about divorce and finding someone new. So what if he doesn't have a name or a face. This man would cherish me, value my touch and love, honor our family above all else, and everything would be perfect and simple, a complete fairy tale. I bet this fantasy is just as distructive as yours.

The problem with true intimacy is that it exposes all of our faults. There is no place to hide. Marriage exposes all of our faults and assets so that we can't escape them. Without marriage I might have never truely seen myself. Marriage forces us to deal with who we are and what we are not and use that knowledge to grow. My fantasies always assume that I am perfect just the way I am and am above change. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It sounds like there is a lot of common ground between the BS and the WS. We all hurt, we all have fantasies, we all forget that we are not alone. And then we learn forgiveness and compassion for ourselves and our spouse.

Krushtwith all the smiley faces.

Yes, I did read Noodles post to DreamCatcher.
I wasn't that offended by it because as a wife that committed adultery, I DO deserve severe punishment HOWEVER since Jesus died on the cross for our sins, HE took our punishment for us.
When we repent, our sins are blotted out.

Yet we STILL have to reap what we sow here on earth!!!

I don't know if you read my post earlier in this thread about what my husband did to me after he found out!
And how in a strange way, I felt that was 'my punishment' for my affair and I felt atoned?

Thanks for caring.

Rachel <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

BetrayedTHANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR KIND WORDS...and coming from a BS it makes me cry and cry. I feel your pain so much.

I think you are right. It is past time for me to forgive myself and stop dwelling on memories of the OM.

BobThank you also for writing.
I know you are trying to understand what makes some of us women stray. If you guys could only understand that it is a FLAW in us, NOT IN YOU, maybe you could just be able to forgive, knowing it was not because of anything whatsoever that you did wrong!
And Bob, your wife IS a diamond!
Rachel <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Loy Dear LOY.
If betrayed spouses would be mean to me, it would almost make it easier because then I would get defensive!

But you and the others have been SO NICE and so understanding. Again I feel SO UNDESERVING.

I think Harley says anyone that says they will never have an affair, watch out, because you could. (It is in the Home section about how affairs begin.)

When I married, no one could have made me believe that I would ever in my lifetime cheat on my husband. It seemed impossible.

But then I met this guy,(unmarried) he smiled at me, made me feel special, started calling me, and before long an emotional daydreaming attachment had begun!

And then we break up with this man, this good friend, that makes us feel so special, there is left a big void and it takes a long time for our husbands to fill that void.

Loy, you wrote: "It sounds like there is a lot of common ground between the BS and the WS. We all hurt, we all have fantasies, we all forget that we are not alone. And then we learn forgiveness and compassion for ourselves and our spouse."

You have that worded so perfectly, such an understanding you have! Your H is so fortunate to have you for his wife!
Sincerely, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am almost out of computer time but I want to say this to BS.

What I miss from the OM, that was missing in my marriage with my H, is PASSIONATE KISSES; not those pecks on the lips but those real kisses like you had when you were dating.

If you want things to heal in your marriage, how about taking your wife (or husband) for a ride in the car, park somewhere and kiss like you did in the early years?

My H and I are getting more and more romantic. I finally had to TELL him what I longed for.
I wanted him to hold me close, give me intimate touches often( not just during sex) and passionate tongue kisses! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Ok, that's it for my advice for today.
Now get out there and start kissing!

Lots of Love and Gratitude, Rachel <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

MYOS,

Yes, I did read Noodles post to DreamCatcher.
I wasn't that offended by it because as a wife that committed adultery, I DO deserve severe punishment HOWEVER since Jesus died on the cross for our sins, HE took our punishment for us.

One last thing on this...your original post was how do you stop the romantic feelings about the OM, correct?

So my suggestion was to have Noodle talk to you. Not as a "punishment", but to help you not have those romantic feelings i.e. warm and fuzzies.

You don't need anymore punishment. Just to stop romantisizing about the OM and the A.

k

this is an informative thread-
is this what I have been doing
to keep memory of A alive?
I dislike OM-he is not someone
I would ever choose again-not
to sound vain-but he was not much
physically- it was an emotional
connection-all over the phone
before PA. I am a very particular
person-and I was weak-he sensed
that-& to admit that his M was in
trouble-he was vulnerable too. we
both just needed to talk & laugh.
I want to focus on all the crap-
the unkind words-the false promises.
I am better than all of this...
prayers

<<BUMP>>
any thoughts?