I'm so tired of this mess. My mom is quite possibly the sweetest person in the entire world...but she is also Queen Momma of Jewish Mothers - not that we're Jewish, but she literally has the handbook and not only read it from cover to cover, but LIVES the damn thing.

To give some background Uncle Virgil was having car trouble on the way home from the wedding in Austin. I offered to follow, but since I was taking back country roads home (cutting about 2 hours off the drive) he thought it better to stick to the major highway in case he had an emergency...I STILL offered to follow, but he said I had young'uns to get home (I did) and not to worry because it wasn't like he didn't have a cell, and what would I be able to do anyway?

I called Mom to make sure they'd gotten home okay (they live next door to my 'rents) and was told that Virgil was "put out" that I didn't follow because (and these are his words) "he's always been there for me." It's true. He and my aunt have always been there. We're a pretty close knit bunch. I lost it on the phone with mom...I started crying so hard I had to let her go because I couldn't control it.

Between my aunt and uncle and my mom and dad, I've always been a "pleaser". I lived for their approval...still do...this mess with Nio is the first time since my teenaged rebellion that I've not done things the way they think they should be done.

Mom emailed me yesterday saying she was sorry that she told me and basically said it was her fault and mentioned "shooting the messanger" (I guess referring to my inablility to talk at that point to her about it).

Through all this mess, I've tried and tried even to the point of NOT discussing things with them regarding my relationship just because I couldn't take the judgements. This is my response to her email:


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Momma,

It's not you. Its me. I feel like a screw up no matter what I do or say....I asked Virgil more than once if he wanted me to follow....each time I got, "no" from them. But it still doesn't matter what I did, because it was wrong all the way around - if I followed them, I'd not be "minding" like a good girl and Virgil was put out because I did what he told me to do...couldn't win that one to save my life, in my opinion.

It's my life, mom. My life sucks, I can't make a correct decision in anyone's eyes for the life of me...I try not to care what anyone else thinks, but I do and it hurts that everyone sees me as a doormat or wussy or whatever. I'm tired. I'm bone-weary tired of all of it. I love Nio, and I'm a doormat....I do what I can to try the best for me and my family and I'm wrong for it and I'm talked about and I'm bone tired. Tired to the point that I feel no matter what I do or say or how I behave it doesn't matter anymore. I can't be a "good girl" or a good daughter or a good mother or a good wife and you know what? I just want to run away to where no one will judge me anymore.......

I DO love you. I love you more than you'll ever know....you just don't understand - none of you do - not you or Mike or Patty or Virgil or any of the "adults" who I love and respect with all my heart - you all have NO idea how it KILLS me that I'm such a freaking disappointment at every turn to you all. THAT'S how I feel - and I don't want do it anymore. I don't want to have to look at any of you and know in my heart that you feel like I've wasted myself or lowered myself.

I love you mommy. I love you so much. It KILLS me to ever to be negative or say anything to hurt you....it really does - I wish I had words to tell you how much I love you - there are none big enough. But I can't do it anymore. I can't please everyone anymore- Lord knows I've tried - He knows that I've tried to be upbeat and perky and happy for everyone's sakes, but it's way too hurtful and tiring for me. It wasn't you the other night.....it was EVERYTHING. Everything.....it's me not doing what everyone wants for me to do, it's me disappointing everyone....I just can't deal with it....and I've no idea when or if I ever will be able to. I'm so sorry. I'll just remove myself from all this for awhile till I can try to heal.

I do love all of you....so much....I love you all so much.......

- Kimber
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">PS - If anyone says anything about me calling my mom mommy I'll kick your butt. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

You made me cry.

This took so much out of you.

years of built up emotion you had to let out.

You took a huge step in helping YOU...congrats.

I'll wait for others to input...but I want to really say you did the right thing.

Niosgirl, I do not have any help to offer, but I did want to let you know I read this and I'm leaving you mucho hugs.

Hon, you're only a doormat if you feel like you're one. We all know you're not being like one...don't you see that too?

I truly hope that you can find some peace.

PS Would it help to know that I wore brand-new black PVC pants and bikini top with 5-inch heels on halloween?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You took a huge step in helping YOU...congrats. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks BINJ, but you know what? This is gonna make my mom cry buckets..............that is the worst thing ever imo....

How can I ever get over feeling like I suck like a Hoover?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">PS Would it help to know that I wore brand-new black PVC pants and bikini top with 5-inch heels on halloween?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I say this with all the love in my heart - and because I'd wear the same thing in a heartbeat:

Slut.

PS - For all you GUYS out there, girlfriends (even ones that have never even met) can say this to one another and totally get away with it - infact, in many cases it's a term of endearment. DO NOT TRY THIS IF YOU ARE MALE. It will only serve to get a drink thrown in your face or your face slapped or both....and even if you are in to that kind of kink, I can guaran-damn-tee you that you would not like the outcome.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Licks for Maddy cause she rocks!

Kimmy, she's your mother. She'd rather know what you're going through and cry a little than have you shut her out and feel fine, I reckon.

You should tell people when you're hurt, otherwise you just stuff it and become resentful.

Kimmy, do you feel like the way things are with your family situation is better for your children than it would be without Nio?

No doubt it's better for the OC.

GC

Niosgirl..lol..i take that statement with all the love you've got to give!! Hope I made you smile.

On your mom..i know it sucks to think that maybe you've upset her. But our moms just want to make everything better for us. I think that sometimes they hurt just as much as us, if not more.

NG,
Don't assume this will hurt her the way you think.
I think she will find relief in it ! I know you don't see where I'm coming from...but you're giving her a gift.
Do you know much your momma worries that you're just not gonna make it ?
Well you've just shown her a stronger side of you that said..hey...I WILL make it...I'm not gonna let people walk all over me anymore...I'm my own person.
She is trying to PROTECT you...see how she takes the blame...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Mom emailed me yesterday saying she was sorry that she told me and basically said it was her fault and mentioned "shooting the messanger" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your life does NOT suck NG.... YOU...take lemons...and you make lemonade...that quote should have been written with YOU in mind..because THAT is who you are.

Giving people...people that give endlessly, without expectation of receiving anything back...the people pleaser.... have these issues FOREVER. It cripples them.

But this is YOU...reclaiming YOU...what YOU want..and of course you're sorry that people aren't pleased with you..and yes sweetie...maybe they are down right disappointed and pissed...but you did nothing wrong. You are NOT here to please everyone. How unhappy that life is. Trust me I know. My therapist once told me I had the sacrificial lamb syndrome... and that's what you have. I'd let myself get hurt..and let other people hurt me because I felt that my was place in life.

This is the FIRST step in you RECLAIMING your life.

It will change everything going forward.

This ONE little step...will be followed by more steps...and you'll find the ability to say NO.

Think about this for awhile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Niosgirl..

Your post just struck me right through the heart.

I have experienced the exact same thing. To such an extent that one of my aunts has used me as an example to her children . They feel this has befallen me because I married before I established my career.

My life is such a disappointment to them all. My choice to remain in my mariage..ditto.

On a bad day..I wonder if they are right.

--Noodle

Hey Kimmy,

Sweetie I think it was a good thing that u had that good cry that u have probably been holding in for months, I hope your mom doesnt' cry as much as u, but u r not made of stone, u r human & u hurt & u r so very tired.

I am praying really hard for u, u need an answer from God - like yesterday, but its not HIS time yet. I won't tell u to be patient cuz u have been so much more than most, I know u r not a doormat, u have to do what best for Kimmy & u will. Wish I could say more to uplift your heart, just know that I feel your pain.

Love u girl!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kimmy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hi niosgirl... Have you ever thought about what happened here? You did what your uncle asked you to do. You tried to negotiate a solution that was good for both of you. You OFFERED to make sure things were okay.

So what happened here? He was dishonest about how he really felt -- and then expected you to read his mind about what he really wanted.

And then, rather than tell you about it directly, he told your mom about it.

And your mom turned around and gave you a guilt trip about it.

Now, this kind of thing happens in families all the time, but that doesn't make it healthy! You're absolutely right that it's time for a change, and time for you to look at what you've been doing really carefully.

You've been making sacrifices for your family, and yet it's never enough, right?

Well, have you thought about maybe not sacrificing yourself for them anymore? That's not to say that you shouldn't love them and be kind and compassionate and generous with them... but there's a big difference between doing that when you have the emotional energy and reserves to give -- and doing it when you DON'T.

I guess what I would say is that it's important to do that little internal check before you give -- do I have the energy to do this, really? Do I have the strength? When you first start, it's often better to assume the answer is no, and then only proceed if the answer is absolutely yes.

Because you sound like you're at your absolute limit of reserves, and you -need- that energy you've been giving them. It's totally okay to keep some of it for yourself. You need it to survive, after all!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Kimmy, do you feel like the way things are with your family situation is better for your children than it would be without Nio?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you know how many times I've questioned that one GC? (sigh) My babies....o'geeze...my babies would SUFFER if he wasn't there. I'm certain of it. I'm not saying he's like the world's best father......far from it with the behavior he's exhibited for the last couple of years....but if you'd just see them with him, you'd KNOW that I'm doing the right thing by trying....I mean it...it's not romanticizing it by any stretch of the imagination.....Lord knows there is nothing romantic all the effing work and energy this takes....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> sacrificial lamb syndrome </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YES! Now how do I quit feeling guilty for reclaiming ME????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">On a bad day..I wonder if they are right </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm right there with you sister. BTW: I LOVE your posts - they are always well thought out and to the point.

Neicy - UR 2 good. (did I do that right 2long?) You are a blessing for a friend!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You've been making sacrifices for your family, and yet it's never enough, right?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YES, YES & YES. Told my therapist I'm sick and tired of taking care of everyone else and no one taking care of ME. (how selfish did I feel for even saying those words out loud - you've NO idea)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because you sound like you're at your absolute limit of reserves, and you -need- that energy you've been giving them. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I AM, I AM, I AM. It took a long time for me to reach the limit. I may have only started MB in June, but I've been TRYING SO effing long...I'm so, so tired....

So the general consensus is that I am *allowed* this for me???? How do people know these things? Why didn't I get the memo sooner? I'm not trying to be a smart a$$ here, but I've ALWAYS been like this........and how do I make myself change what I thought was hardwired in?

[censored]....and how am to learn how NOT to feel guilty for this? I mean, guilt is like, my middle name..................

OY VEY!