How can I ever trust him again?

indy<BR>You just found out a week ago?<BR>Hold on. Trust is the last thing you need to worry about now. That is something that will come if he shows he is trustworthy.<BR>talk to us some more. What are you feeling besides the worry about trust.<BR>You are in shock right now if you've only known a week. You have a lot of feelings to get through. Let them out.<BR>How long was his affair? do you know who it was with. Just because it happened in the past doesn't mean that you don't have feelings to deal with.<BR>please let us know more. There are so many great people here to help you.

He had an affair 13 years ago while i was 7 months pregnant with a co-worker. I found out an he moved out for a short time. I let him move back in basically so I could keep my eye on him. I don't think we dealt with the affair the way we should, I have not been able to put into the relationship what I should be able to since the first affair. I think I have been waiting for it to happen again. So now it has and it was with someone he doesn't even know either. She was on the internet. He said it was only a few weeks that he was talking to her. I have not asked for details other than he could talk to her. We have been very distant for a long time and have not met each others emotional need for a very long time. I have always told him that I was the type of person who did not require much but I think that I have been cheating myself. Other than that I don't know what I am doing or how I feel or what I want at this point I'm still real angry.

Sorry indy<BR>I misread your profile. I thought you only just found out about the original affair.<BR>Have you read the info on this site?<BR>How did you deal with the first one? Did you ever feel safe after that?<BR>I know I'm full of questions today and if you don't want to answer that's okay. <BR>Read all that you can read here. If he's looking for someone to talk to You can be that person. you have to let him know that though. Do you still carry resentments from before. There I go with the questions again. Sorry!<BR>The only one that you can change is yourself - unfortunately. I think I understand that you have built up walls. Is that it?<BR>I'm not the person to give you advice on that one. I just wanted you to know that someone is here and listening.<P>

I don't think we really ever dealt with the first one we just kinda swept it under the rug so now we get to deal with two at once. I have built the tallest walls possible. I figured it would prevent me from being hurt again. Didn't work though. I did read everything on the site. I think the only thing that worries me is am I going to have to worry that if I'm having a bad day and not meeting his emotional needs, that he might(and have an excuse) to find it somewhere else? I don't want to walk on pins and needles for the rest of my life. Am I overreacting since everything is so new to all the what if's.

You are reacting - not over reacting.<BR>This is new. It is scary. <BR>Try to imagine that now you have an opportunity to deal with all the things you didn't last time.<BR>You now have this wonderful place to get info and advice. I wish I had found this site long before I did. I was winging it on my own for the first while.<BR>You have a lot of emotions to deal with. Don't put more on your plate than you can handle right now. Please don't worry about trust and doing things wrong. <BR>You can only do your best. <BR>You are in my prayers tonight.<BR>Sunday is a slow day at the forum. There will be a lot more people here tomorrow with a lot better advice than I can give.<BR>Read Kat 1's Thread on Empty Love Banks if you haven't. I will try to go back and find her story as well as others to give you some insight. Please hang in there.

Is the shattered remnants of a trusting relationship held exclusively to marriage ? The trust between two cops on the street to watch one another's back ? The trust between a horse, and its rider ? The trust between a child and the mother ? What about those poor kids in the back of that station wagon the "person" from North Caolina shoved in the pond a few years ago ? Those kids trusted their mom . . . <P>Hell, darlin' . . . you are alive ! ! <P>My concept of trust is not to ge AIDS . . . . and the rest is academic . Joint-checking ? Shared emotions ? Prenuptial agreements ? <P>I trust my God, and no man or woman . You leave yourself exposed to trusting, and then leave the question unanswered until asked . . . would you forgive me of the unthinkable at the most selfish moment ?<P>Am I with my friend now ? No . Is she with her husband now ? Most likely . . . <P>Do I trust her not to sleep with him ? Of course not, and expect only the truth if I were to ask.<P>Guess my real view of trust in a relationship / marriage is . . . If you are not prepared for the truth, don't ask and wish for a lie. <P>Trust is truthful speaking at all times . . . often brutally honest, but then it is up to the seeker of truth to accept what is, or is not. Trusting the truth be spoken is all I ever asked, or expected . . . as I am with my truest friend . <P>" No, officer. I did not know I was going over the speed limit " . <P>Everybody lies . . . just a matter of whom you choose to deceive. <P>Any future for our relationship is being built on brutal and complete honesty with one another, yet continued tact where to be less considerate of someone's feelings would be selfish, and self-fulfilling.<P>So it goes . . . <P>. . . notice I did not posxt anything on a Sunday ?

Don't worry so much about trust right now, you probibly can't at this point.<P>Hold on to each other and grieve for what you have lost, then slowly build a new a better future by growing and learning. Trust will grow from that.<P>It is horrible and hard, but eventually it does get better. Really. <P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

First of all, Indy - I want to tell you to ignore Carlton. He's someone's OM, and is trying to justify stealing someone's wife. And seems to think that he can convince someone on this board that what he is doing is for the betterment of mankind. Ugghhh.<P>I read your post last night, and thought wasstubborn was responding just as I would respond. Trust is something that is earned. It is one component of marriage and fidelity, but not the entire component. There is commitment, love and a future as components as well.<P>I feel trust is something that we shouldn't give freely. It is something earned, just like respect can be earned.<P>I think the trust issue is the least of your worries at this point. It is important, but there are so many other huge issues to deal with, like changing behaviors. <P>The concept is this - If you and your husband are both parts of one unit, then when one person's behavior changes - it changes the other's responses. This is the main theory behind the plan A approach. Stopping lovebusters - takes the fuel for the fire away, and is a real job for some of us. Stopping the lovebusters can really take almost all of your energy. Trying to give trust before you've stopped the lovebusters is like putting the cart in front of the horse. So, I think that is your first step.<P>The second thing, is to find out what emotional needs your husband has. If he is like my husband, he won't communicate this to you. So, you have to figure this out by trial and error. And then you try your best to figure out how you can start meeting your husband's needs.<P>Then there is communication. Very important to learn how to communicate without lovebusters. Saying what you mean, being heard - and doing it without blaming. Hard to do, and takes lots of energy.<P>I think the trust will come, but after lots of hard work, and after you begin to see some progress. Keep working on it, and keeping your goal in front of you.<P>

Well I have told him about this web site and hopefully he reads it. He has always told me what his wants and needs were, he just could never tell me he was really unhappy and he couldn't stand it anymore so he would do these things so I would make the decision for him.

Indy - Did H actually tell you that he was doing these things so you would make the decision for him? If so, I have to admire at least that action. So many others do things to force their S to make the decision to leave so they won't have to. And in most, if not all, of these cases, they don't even have the guts to admit it.<P>On trust, trust will come only over time with positive reinforcement from your H. It's going to be difficult, but if your H starts to do things to ease your mind, accept them and thank him for them. It will make it easier for him to continue....Just my two cents(and a wooden nickel).<P>

Yes he did admit to wanting me to make the decison in a round about way. I just think its such a cop out not being able to be honest with me or more importantly himself. He did that with the first affair also.

Well, don't get me wrong. I believe that it is a cop-out of the worst kind, but at least he admitted it(even in a roundabout way). W has been trying to get me to do that for several months now. The difference is that she vehemently denies it. But, I finally caved and filed because she certainly didn't show that she wanted anything but that.

More of the same . . . <P>Ignoring the "OM" or "OW" is shear denial of the real issue. So I am somebody here that offers feedback from the stands ? Hardly . . . <P>A natural catastrophy has brought my friend and her husband closer together. This is good . . . <P>I am not "stealing" any man's wife. Her desire to dissolve their partnership MUST be done as if I never existed. The process was initiated long before we ever met, yet I am condemned for being a loyal friend . . . even with a real possibilty of their putting any further movement toward divorce ? Duh . . .<P>Guess you all just don't get it . . . Some of us guys out here really do LIKE a woman as a person, and not as an object or prize to be won in a contest. <P>Will you ever get over yourself ? Reason dictates that we are all mortal, and will one day answer to a higher authority . . . <P>My intentions remain honorable, with no regrets. An "affair" oftens ends . . . love for real will not fade away . . . sorry .<P>She called awhile ago, and I could hear her husband working in the background repairing weather damage. I am glad he is with her now. Perhaps reconcilliation, perhaps not. It is all in God's hands . . . same as it ever was. I pray for what is best for her. And him. And the wisdom to accept things that can not be changed.<P>So it goes . . . I will not abandon her over mere jealousy or possessive and selfish "male"ness . . . yep, I really do like her . . . a lot . . .