Empathy:
Emotional identification with another.

Please hold the 2/4's. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I burned OM's letters, cards and photos today, my final goodbye.

Because I was so wrapped up in OM's life, I know what he is doing this very moment as far as work is concerned, I know his schedule for his work life and personal life for the next 2 weeks. I have moments where I have empathy for OM. I know right now he is having to work and deal with people and deal with anger, rejection, feeling like a fool, lost, etc. Again, please hold the 2x4's...I also occassionally feel guilty because I have been blessed with such a great accountability group, awesome pastor and a husband who is willing to work on the marriage. I am so thankful I did not give up my family for OM even though occassionally I miss the dream or fantasy. Please, I said occassionally! I assume this is part of withdrawl? I also feel so bad for my part in breaking up his marriage, I pray blessings on his EXW and restoration for OM and EXW.
I will say for the most part I am sooooo grateful to be back on track.
Again, are these normal feelings of withdrawl, even though I can clearly see OM and I had no life together?

they are certainly normal but they MUST be pushed out of your head/heart!!

and i do have one suggestion on how to do that, can you guess??

Waking Up - Yes what you are feeling is normal. Unless you were a cold, heartless, person it's quite normal to have regrets for a lot of things.

There is no known "quick fix," but time and working on your marriage and your relationship with God will help to have the thoughts and memories and feelings fade.

Yes, it's also hard for a BS to know that those feelings are there. But in one respect it's not a lot different from the feelings we may have had for someone else PRIOR to our marriage. Again, those feelings "prove" you are human, fallable, and caring, all rolled into one. It is not the "mistakes" that define us, it's how we learn from,and deal with, them and grow into the person we'd "like to be." Not all consequences simply "go away." Some we have to deal with for quite a while, sometimes for the rest of our lives, but they do not have to define us for the rest of our lives.

That's a whole lot of what forgiveness is all about. Not the "doing away" with the mistake, but the "not holding it against you" part. It's the part that we might wish to "undo" if we could, but since we can't, we learn and never go down those paths again. It really is amazing how good it makes us feel to KNOW that we really are forgiven and accepted for who we are despite the mistakes, blemishs, "bad things," etc. It's an understanding that grows as to what Agape love is. We also examine ourselves like we've never really done before and begin to understand just what it means to be "partners in marriage" and that we are "completers" of each other. This growing sense of being "one flesh" is amazing, as is God's provision for us regardless of our "past."

As you "practice" with your husband putting each other's needs ahead of your own, you start a cycle of gaining more than you actually give. You will end up with much more than you had before and much more than you think is possible. With a posture of "servanthood" it is impossible to willfully harm each other based in selfishness. This is what is embodied in the idea of "never being the cause of unhappiness" for our spouse. It is also what is embodied in the idea that "love covers over a multitude of sins." We simply don't let our "feelings" get in the way of being a servant to our spouse, even if there is some temporary pain or hurt.

God bless and guide you with His love as you build your marriage with Him.

Finallylearning,

Hmmmm, concentrate on my H, family, God and count my blessings??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ForeverHers,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
It really is amazing how good it makes us feel to KNOW that we really are forgiven and accepted for who we are despite the mistakes, blemishs, "bad things," etc.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes it is, that is exactally what I'm feeling.

I can't wait to get to heaven and meet you and thank you for posting here!

WU

WU,

close but not exactly. got another guess?

FL,

Nope, gonna have to spell it out for me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

WU

tell your H everything...

i know, simple but very hard!!

i'm proud of you WU, you are really doing good!

Ooohhh,

Gotchya! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Waking Up.

I just read your thread "OM showed True Colors"
WHEW...you have a long road ahead.
I was surprised that you have been seeing OM for 6 yrs and since Feb(D day) when your husband thought you had stopped seeing OM.

By NOT being totally honest and telling your H, you are very very vulnerable to meeting or talking with the OM again....

You are living a DANGEROUS life and I am glad to see you have decided it is time to get on the right road.

And these feelings of worrying and caring for the OM...They are normal if it was an emotional attachment between you. (6 years of your life, I think you must be pretty attached!)

I STILL have these feelings; even after 1 1/2 years of being apart.

I even started a thread today called "Romanticizing Affairs" so believe me, I do understand withdrawal and continued caring for OM after you part from them.

Sincerely, Rachel <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 04, 2004, 07:39 PM: Message edited by: MakeYourOwnSunshine ]</small>

MYOS,
Thank you for your thoughts. Yes, 6 years is a long time and there was a definate emotional bond, but I know over time and the help of God it will fade.
What is the status of your marriage?

WU

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I STILL have these feelings; even after 1 1/2 years of being apart.

I even started a thread today called "Romanticizing Affairs" so believe me, I do understand withdrawal and continued caring for OM after you part from them.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Perhaps you had an OM who was a nice fellow. Most reformed WWs don’t think that way after 1 and a half years.

This must be hard on your husband------ I suggest you keep those feelings private if they don’t interfere with the marriage. However, if the feelings get in the way of the marriage you must tell your husband.

It takes time to get 'used' to the new life you are coming into Waking Up...time and resisting that urge that WILL come to you to make contact with the OM...oh, and he will try to contact you also..count on that...make a plan on how you will handle that event and stick to it...it only takes time and NC..that and keeping as busy as you can...the rubber bands on the wrists are good too...but mostly, when you feel like wavering...pray..pray..and pray some more...God is helping you do the right thing...btw, my A was 5+ years too...I lived through the end and you will too..hang tough

<small>[ November 04, 2004, 08:21 PM: Message edited by: dreamcatcher ]</small>

Waking Up, yes, those feelings is part of withdrawal and normal. I have been through that myself and I can assure you that with time, those feelings will definitely fade. I was emotionally very ‘addicted’ and attached to the OM and in spite of the feelings of guilt, shame etc., it took 18 months in total before I was completely through with withdrawal and completely recovered from most of the residual feelings. In my situation withdrawal took so long because I also suffered from a psychiatric disorder (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder with associated anxiety and depression) and after I’ve started to received IC and medicine, my recovery process was much faster. I used to call that my "real recovery".

The fact that a FWS can still have residual feelings and empathy for the OP while in recovery and working on the marriage doesn’t necessarily mean there is something wrong with the M or that you don’t love your spouse with all your heart. As I’ve said, what you’re experiencing is just normal and part of the recovery process. You have learned to care for the OM very much and you became emotionally attached to him… You are just a human being with feelings and emotions, and just as you have developed these feelings for the OP over time (6 years IS a long time), it will take time again for those feelings to fade. Yes, those feelings for the OP were very wrong, extremely inappropriate and a result of your own wrong behavior and choices, but the fact is, those feelings and the pain to “get over” the OP are VERY REAL and takes time… I understand occasionally you still think of the OM....but time and distance will deaden this pain, and as your marriage heals and becomes stronger, it will get easier.

Please read the following insightful post I received from Ark while I was in early recovery and while I struggled to get rid of those feelings:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YOU SAID
The one major thing I’m still feel guilty about is my lingering thoughts and feelings for OM and the difficulty to put these feelings complete to rest. This is really a big struggle and religious problem to me. Although I’ve already forgave myself for the previous mistakes made and although I know that my H and God had also forgiven me, I’m still having a issue with the scripture in the Bible where Jesus talks about ‘adultery in the heart’. Therefore, in spite of the fact that I’m still continue NC and do all the right things to protect my H etc., I’m just wondering if I’m still commit sin/adultery in the heart because of my lingering thought and feelings about OM. Maybe I’m just too hard on myself sometimes.

Sometimes for very obvious reasons and sometimes just because it is the nature of the whole big mess. Thoughts, feelings, and occurances take on huge meaning, grave seriousness, and potentially worrisome issues...when in reality they are just normal occurances..but when processed through the infidelity filter...watch out...magnified to the 100th power.

Suzet the truth is that if your OM had not been an other man but someone you as a single person were dating and for whatever reason you two broke up and you were now dating your husband...you would still have thoughts and memories and think of him...that is totally normal..it carries no great meaning or profound revelations.

The act of our brains having a memory and thoughts coming in our head in not stoppable,

What we do and can control is our reaction to these thoughts...give these thoughts weight and meaning and they will continue...spend time really pondering them, reminicsing and they will become stronger and gain "meaning".

It is you that must break the cycle in your brain by doing different things..

1. as soon as a thought, image, pops in about him you push it away and change your thought,,,and we all KNOW we can do this...no one spends a lot of time with the thought of their upcoming dental appointment to get a cavity filled...or when your on vacation you don't spend a lot of time about packing and leaving day...no we have those thoughts and quickly move on to something more pleasant...you must learn to the same....

2. Time fades and heals the importance we place on events is also true...the farther we move from experiences the more distance we place on them instead of deeply pondering and examing them the more we learn to let go of those thoughts.

3. YOu need to quit associating a lot of guilt and negative emotions to these thoughts or you will be feeding the power they need to continue...

Look at to why you are clinging to the guilt of thoughts rather than saying...dang I can't control my brain from thinking the thought initially but I can control the amount of time and energy I spend exploring the thought AND how much importance i give it...

You may actually be gaining something from the guilt you feel...that it somehow PROVES your regret....but we "prove" our regret by totally recommiting to our spouses and acting thusly.

In pop-psyche these days people love to throw around repressing those feelings and ingnoring them and that leading to unhappiness...but in reality those thoughts are normal as is moving away from them...people don't graduate from high school and the morning after graduation never ever think of highschool anymore...it was big part of their lives for a while with emotional attachment...but as people move forward those memories carry less and less weight and bring less and less emotion as time moves on...and not spending minute after minute pondering highschool is not repressing thoughts and emotions..it is moving on...
suzet you need to "just let it be" (as john paul ringo and george would say)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A while ago Just Learning posted the following to two other FWW’s. It will give you more insight into the process and nature of withdrawal:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is one other thing you need to understand and that the affair IS an addiction and it does affect your brain chemistry. It is a feedback system where some behavior causes good feelings (chemicals) to be released and gradually you become dependent on those feelings. So thinking of the OM is sort of self-medicating when you feel a little down.

It can take weeks to months for this to pass. But, there is something you should realize. The reason Harley pushes No Contact so hard is because some of the residual feelings and response linger for a long time.

You will NEVER forget your OM, what will happen is that the "feelings" attached to remembering him will fade. I would bet that for both of you the memory of OM is NOT accompanied with as strong a feelings as they were say 2-3 months ago. So you are recovering it just takes time.

It has been suggested and even done that when you start to really think of OM, that you call or talk with your H. It starts to replace one set of feelings and memories for another, sort of like quitting smoking. People often use candy to replace the desire for a cigerette.

Just let the feelings fade and gradually you will realize you CANNOT self-medicate with memories of the OM. It will happen.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hope it helps! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Suzet

<small>[ November 05, 2004, 01:03 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Dreamcatcher and Suzet,

Thank you so much for your posts!

I am doing much better and know that I am on the road to recovery!

My heart has changed so much since 11/3, it's amazing what God can do when we are finally obedient!

WU

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Stanley568:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I STILL have these feelings; even after 1 1/2 years of being apart.

I even started a thread today called "Romanticizing Affairs" so believe me, I do understand withdrawal and continued caring for OM after you part from them.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Perhaps you had an OM who was a nice fellow. Most reformed WWs don’t think that way after 1 and a half years.

This must be hard on your husband------ I suggest you keep those feelings private if they don’t interfere with the marriage. However, if the feelings get in the way of the marriage you must tell your husband. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">PLEASE take this advice...

My W's continual downplaying and minimizing of her R with OM did nothing but create more pain for me. Not too mention it frustrated me to NO END, I sit there busting my chops so to speak and I'm wondering why things are not moving ahead more rapidly..the reason was my W's R with OM was 100 times more serious then she ever let on..they even had talks of marriage, he proposed to her and she wore his ring...

I think a wedding proposal and plans for kids are a tad more serious than...

"Oh he was just a good friend, he made me feel attractive and empowered"

YUP, It took me a year and a half into our reconciliation to find out the true depths of my W R with OM. Please spare your husband the agony of being blindsided constantly by things you should have divulged earlier, not to mention it takes away your H right to make informed decisions about staying M to you or not, and believe it or not your H is entitled to choose if he wants to forgive you and work on the M. I hope you do the right thing and the in my opinion leveling with your H now saves him from pain in the long run and it begins to REBUILD lost trust.


Take Care,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I know right now he is having to work and deal with people and deal with anger, rejection, feeling like a fool, lost, etc. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YES! Horray for consequences! If there were no consequences would any of us attempt to follow the rules? OM having to "deal with" the social consequences is a very good learning opportunity.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am so thankful I did not give up my family for OM even though occassionally I miss the dream or fantasy. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The dream of a fantasy , like me winning the lottery, is not in it'self immoral. Just sometimes a foolish waste of resources that might be better spent on your "real life".

You know, you are "living the dream" of having a healthy happy family... appreciate that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I also feel so bad for my part in breaking up his marriage, I pray blessings on his EXW and restoration for OM and EXW.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And this "feel so bad" sensation, otherwise known as "guilt" is good for you! Rejoice in the knowledge that this bad feeling, this guilt is teaching you something valuable.

You know, when you are teaching your child about behaving morally, you hope and expect that the guilty child will feel pains of his conscience.... otherwise, that child grows up to be ammoral. NOT what any parent wants.

Do not run or hide from your guilt, you should feel it, you are guilty. But do not dwell there forever, feel it, learn from it, and grow better fruit on your tree thereafter.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will say for the most part I am sooooo grateful to be back on track. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wonderful!

Thats exciting.

Pep

FamilyMatters,
My H knows the depth of the affair, he knows OM asked me to marry him, etc.
I hear your advice.
Thanks!
WU

Pep,
Thanks for the "Pep" talk! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I cannot begin to express how relieved I feel in spite of the guilt I have. I have learned a valuable lesson and hope I can one day help someone else.

Thanks,
WU