Wife has been cheating on me for 2 ½ years, I ask her to leave when she continued to see bf after a year!
I found out that I had been supporting her bf as well!
But she keeps coming by and saying nice things to me, and calling me everyday! but no talk of getting back together. She just wants to be friends! I have not filed for divorce yet, I still love her! I cannot explain why. I know that she has other men in her life but she denies this.
My problem is this! I have read the book and a lot of post on this site and it seams that I can save my marriage if I continue to neglect my on sanity
There is no hope of her ever telling the truth, she will lie no matter what, even with proof. Is she refusing to look at herself in a bad light or is it possible that she is just beyond help! She will not go to counseling with me and she still puts all the blame on me for the affair!
It kills me every time I see her out with a new man (we live in the same small town) and the next day she will call and reassure me that he was just a friend and that I shouldn’t think otherwise!
At what point do I give up on her! I cannot go on this way, nor can I fall out of love with her!
The pain has caused me to attempt to end my life on two occasions so far.
If I don’t end it with her it will kill me, but I truly love her!
I can not find any recourses on this site about letting go! Should I stop trying?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Please give us more information, including how long you have been married, and how often she has cheated.

It kind of sounds like your wife is a sex-addict, which, by the way, has little to do with sex, but instead is a response to an out of control childhood.

But that is neither here nor there. We can help you. Lots of us have gone through the same thing. Most cheating spouses are just like your wife. They lie and deny.

If you are feeling suicidal, please seek out medical treatment for depression.

Stick with us, and we will help you through this.

All,
Welcome to MBers. You'll be okay (one way or another). You need to work through some very tough questions that only you and your W can really answer. Why does she keeping lying about her A's (FOG)??? Why do you still love her??? What went wrong???

We'll try to help you ... keep posting

Brown

All,

You don't live in Texas do you??

but no talk of getting back together. She just wants to be friends!

If this is true, and there are no kids involved, and she is not living with you at present (I hope not) then I would fricken MOVE out of that small town.

You are in love with who she was and what you had.

Is she on GLUE?? Was she wild and crazy before the M? Something has lit her up!! Does she come back to you being nice asking for $$$? Maybe she is on glue or the crack pipe or something.

Don't know ages or how long you both have been married, etc. But total 180 degree changes in personality tend to be drug induced. IMHO
And alcohol is also a drug.

k

My husband was a liar too, but way before any problems of an A. He never wanted to be in trouble. He always felt like I would not could not except him the way he was. He had to lie about even the littlest things. Silly things. It is their defense mach for life. She still wants cake and eat too. There is no way to change the situation with her gone and seeing others. You can't work on it. It's driving you crazy. I set a time limit for my foolishness with my husband. Set yourself a time limit and stick to it for your sanity.

Thank you all for the replies!
This was a second M for both of us! I am 43 and she is 34, we were M for4 yrs, together two yrs before M.
She doesn’t use drugs, she has started to go to bars and drink, this is so out of character for her! she is a perfectionist, and no one can live up to her standards. She was an introvert, never want to make waves. She always did what was expected of her, she didn’t want to draw attention to her self. An impossible thing to do as she is an incredibly beautiful woman. Heads turn when ever she walks into a room!
I am an extravert. Always trying to do as much as possible in the least amount of time, I love to have a good time and let things roll of my back (at least I used to)
I don’t think that she is addicted to sex, she doesn’t even like it! She enjoys it once she is into it, but to get her interested is next to impossible! She thinks of it as something she should do, not as something she wants to do. But in the beginning she was insatiable!
She was diagnosed as unipolar, when we went to the therapist he said the affair was her drug!
10 times I believed it was over with the affair, but it is still going on today even as she sees new men. she claims she doesn’t talk to him, he went back to the married woman he was sleeping with when they started their affair. I think she is in competition with this woman.
I am able to see her phone bills, and I don’t let her know that I know. When she ask me to do something with her I decline. As long as she is still talking to the bf and these new guys, I don’t want to do anything with her. I don’t want to be second choice, or her standby fun!
I am seeking help for my depression, while I was trying to cope with what she was doing to me, I lost my only son to a roadside bomb in Iraq. I have come to the end of my coping skills. But I am still trying to rebuild some kind of life for myself.
I know that someday this will be the payment for some future happiness, at least that’s what I cling to!
As for what went wrong! On my part I guess I took my M for granted. I had to work so hard to keep a roof over our heads because of her constant spending and supporting her bf. that I was to tired to take her out as much as I used to. She said I didn’t help out around the house as I should. When things started to get bad between us I thought it was a lull, and would pass. No marriage is perfect all the time. I should have done more!
As for me moving, my business is here and she lives in an apartment. I was hoping that when I get the courage to file for the D, that she will move!
At some point she will want to not run into her growing list of flings, I hope! and will look for new pastures!
I just have a difficult time because she acts as if she has done nothing wrong and puts on this front of caring about me and calling me all the time. She never ask me for money, she makes good money. She says she wants to “be there” for me! I don’t know what she means by that?
I don’t live in texas, but I did! Good call!
Thanks again for any help you can offer, and to anyone going thru this my heart go out to you!

First my deepest condolences to you for the death of your son, God rest his soul.

You are doing the right thing in seeking help for your depression. Although be very careful and vigilant of any bad side effects from any anti-depressants that are prescribed to you and notify your doctor immediately.

It seems that your WW is in cake eating mode when she tries to get you to do things with her and calls you all the time without any committment from her to end her affair, NC with the OM, and agree to rebuild the marriage. Right now you've got a lot on your plate to deal with [the death of your son, your depression, and her affair] that you may want to consider implementing Plan B. Plan B would not only help you get away from the drama of having to continually witness her infidelity but it would also give her a taste of what life would be like without you in her life.

All,

She thinks of it as something she should do, not as something she wants to do. But in the beginning she was insatiable!

Maybe she is insatiable in the beginning with every new guy.

And you know she does not take drugs now because....?

Has her personality changed 180 in a short period of time?? I can't believe she was always like this when you married her.

My true heartfelt condolences on the death of your son. He is a hero.

k

Edited to "I agree that plan B is in order" You can only take so much. Any anti-depressents?? They do help alot.

<small>[ November 05, 2004, 12:28 PM: Message edited by: krusht ]</small>