Was told to come here more traffic. I have been married for 6 years. Love him dearly. Tried to move on. Found I don't want to. He doesn't want a divorce and still talks to me everyday and has lunch with me about once a week. She doesn't know we speak or anything else. Everyone thinks I'm crazy and should just let him go. This site just spells it all out. I am greatful for it. I set my sites on 6 weeks. I began plan A today. I know the chances are slim when he's living with her but I have to give it my all. I think deep down inside he's a good man. I miss him. I would like to know what to say to him. I know no overly lovey things but we text message all the time. What do I say? and do you think I'm crazy for even trying?

Be careful. He might want to cake eat. Have the best of both worlds you and OW. I would Plan B and send a Plan B letter until he is NO LONG in contact with the OW. I know that isn't what you want to hear. Sounds like you really love him and would love to get him back. I'm not much help there though. Don't mind chatting though, I do know your pain! Everyone here does.

Thank you. I started plan A today and am going to work with it for a few weeks. Then I am going to plan B. But I want him to know what he'll miss first. I have been alittle crazy lately. Until I came to this website and I realized that I'm not crazy I just had to calm down and work the plan. I realize that the chances are very, very slim, but I have to take the chance and know I did everything I could.

I would probably try some plan a first and then do a plan b after a period of time, esp. if things at home were less than perfect before.

If home was a battlefield of unmet needs, a smoother tempting home hinted to might be just what he needs. He needs to know that things will be different and that needs will be met, if that is the case. Then I'd pull away if he did not give up OW. Ideally, you do it if they refuse to stop seeing the OW, but maybe the home life needs to be addressed so that the future looks brighter. Either way is a start.

By the way, your chances are really very good. With knowledge comes power!!! The chances with the OW are less than 3%. Yep-97% chance of failure in that relationship. Hang around-you are really in the driver's seat. Chances are better than you think.

Tawny,

Unfortunately sounds like you have become the OW!

She doesn't know about your liasons? Are they physical? Or just emotional? Are you his buddy?

I must agree with Marsha, the boy is cake eating.

But I want him to know what he'll miss first.

You have been married for 6 years!! He knows what he'll miss already!! I think YOU are prolonging the fencesitting. Go to plan B, with a vengence.

(IMHO I am not a vet here by any means.)

k

Edited to add () above.

<small>[ November 04, 2004, 08:52 PM: Message edited by: krusht ]</small>

Thank you. I really do mean I want him to know our relationship won't be what it was before. I have really been working on me in the last 6 months. I want to be the best person I can be even if it's not with him. This website gives me another piece of the puzzle. It helps me.

It will be OK

sorry for what you are going through.

Welcome to MB to bad it is this forum... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I was not ignoreing you on my post, I had logged off to attend to my kids. I would love to talk to you anytime. Hang in there!!!

Update day 2 in my six week plan A. Things are going well. Very supportive, blinders about her are coming off. Still think I'll have to go to plan B. Would still like to know topics to avoid and safe things to say not to upset him.

Tawny,

U have received some very good advice already, I just wanted to add that in addition to reading all that u can on this site, if u believe in God & the power of prayer, pray.

Pray for yourself, for God to give u guidance & wisdom as to what to do & say to your H, pray for your M that God would reconcile u w/ your H & make your M stronger than ever & one that glorifies him , pray for a forgiving spirit towards your H & OW, yes even pray for her as well, thats a tough one. Pray for your H as well, that he would see that this is not God's plan for him to live in this adulterous relationship.

Yes according to the bible u have grounds for D based on your H's infidelity but the bible aslo says to love everyone even your enemies & to forgive them.

I can say all this to u cuz I have lived thru what u r going thru right now. My H lived w/ OW who was pg. w/ his child for 8 months. It was sheer hell for me & if not for the grace of God I would have lost my mind or committed murder. He did come home to me last April 2003, I can't say that we r truly in recovery, w/ his daughter in the picture, he cant stop all contact w/ OW so it has been difficult but we r still trying.

U have to really decide if u want to try & save your M & what u r willing to do to try & save it. Like JT said u need to really need to know u have done all u can before u give up on your M, I have come close to D on a few occassions during this "journey" I can't walk away w/ no regrets though, so here I stand!

Praying for u! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tawny}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thank you and I do pray for guidence everyday. God knows I put him first and husband second because without god I would have nothing. There have been points when I was very low and I believe god was there for me. He also led me here and to all the other things that have helped me through. Anyone who wants to pray for me, my husband or our marriage is welcome and appreciated like you wouldn't know. Thanks everyone for your support of my very difficult decision.

Yes, yes, stick with Plan A until you are sure you have given him the best of yourself, fulfilled his top three needs.

Also, let him know you still want to be M to him, not just buddies. Also let him know if you are not M, then no more buddies.

When you Plan B it will be important for you to let the OW know that you and he had continual contact this whole time, that you still want to be M, then sit back and watch the firworks fly... A very stressed OW will LB away because she is scared.

Stick with Plan A, but let him know you do NOT like him living with OW.

Most men have the same needs-physical attractiveness and playmate-meaning if he likes to golf, go with him. If he likes sports buy tickets to an event or concert if he likes music. Boys like to go play with their wives.

Keep it light with him, be someone he wants to spend time with, not *****y. Let the OW LB. Be pleasant. The grass is always greener. His relationship with the OW is doomed.

Oh, thank you for the tips. The one about telling her when I go to Plan B was something I had not thought of. I am making it through day 2 and praying constantly. I am pleasant, kind and concerned. He's very unhealthly right now. Lost alot of weight and is throwing up blood. He's going to the doctor monday. I think it's stress because of the situation and how bad he feels about it, but I told him it was just stress and to tell the doctor everything, so he could help him. All I can say is god work through me and help me say and do the right things. And thank all of you for your thoughts and prayers. This is the first place that hasn't ridiculed me for putting up with this mess. But I love my god, I love my husband and I love my marriage and god knows what's in my heart.