You posted this on Diz's post **As long as you feel the way you do, you are letting OW have power in your life. You need to take back your husband, your role as his wife and your home.** I am having problems in this area. I can't stand to look at my husbands truck and I refuse to ride in it cuz they had sex in there ALL the time and their first time was in there. We have a rental property that he moved her into also and they had sex there too. Okay, I am making him sell off the house and the truck cuz when ever I see them I think about them together and it just kills me inside. How do you take back your life like you said? How can I do this. I'm so broken hearted that I can't stand it. I do want my marriage to work but I keep thinking about them and I just want to punish my husband and I end up pulling away from him. I'm good one day and bad the next few and it's driving me and my H nuts! (sigh) So, if you are anyone here would like to sort of mentor me through this horrible thing I'm going through I would appreciate it. It's only been 3½ months for me and I know others here have made it all the way through and are happy now. I would love that for us too but I just can't see it right now <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Thanks!

Marsha,

THAT IS WHY GOD MADE ANTI DEPRESSENTS!!

My Dday was memorial..05/31/04 and for 4 months I obsessed and blubbered and could think about nothing else but how I was betrayed by my W.

I then started on Lexepro. It is amazing the difference. I start dwelling on the most horrid movies in my head and my mind goes back to more positive and "in the moment" things. No more tearing up or great sadness. AND NO MORE MOVIES!!

I would strongly suggest asking you doctor for some form of AD. Takes the blues away.

Stay strong!

k

<small>[ November 04, 2004, 08:56 PM: Message edited by: krusht ]</small>

Marsha -

There are lots of us here that will help mentor you. I am much older than you, and have learned many things.

The father of my children used to beat me. He was a horrible alcoholic. When I left him, I sold our house, because it held too many bad memories. But of course, it was not the house. That was just a place where things happened.

Going through infidelity is HORRIBLE. But the house, the truck, etc. has nothing to do with what happened. These are only physical things.

As BS's what we need to do is take our lives back, banish the OP, and get on with having a wonderful marriage. It is hard to do.

You are very knew in this, so please hang in here and lean on us for support.

I am on lexapro and have been since Aug. 26th. Yes, the deep hurt is gone and I don't think about taking a gun to my head any more BUT I still have these horrible bad days where I don't want to be around my H and I push him away and I'm so angry and I start obsessing about him with her and how could he etc. I'm also still mourning the loss of my "illiusion" of my marriage. So much to work through! I just don't understand HOW to "take our lives back" like you say. HOW is this done?? What is the first step in doing this?

Marsha - Many here are mourning the "specialness" of their marriage. We always thought we had an exclusive relationship. But that is gone.

However, you can move on and have a marriage that is better than before.

While I will admit that AD's may help some people that are going through this situation....they won't make your troubles go away and they won't heal you.

I've been in your shoes....and am happy to say that I can talk freely about my H's A...with others and with him. It no longer has an affect on me to talk about it...and I no longer dwell on any part of it. In fact...I see the OW's H on a daily basis and the OW several times a week now......does nothing for me or to me.

I refuse to let them have a part in my life......they never really had a part in MY life...just my H's.

What got me to this point was realizing that only I had the power to do this. Nobody but me could help me. I woke up one day and said to myself......what the heck am I doing dwelling on the past...when my future is right here. I realized that I was the one holding back our recovery at that point...and my H was doing his part...and getting really frustrated that it was taking me longer to do mine.

I had to decide what was more important to me.....wallowing in my memories of what was and letting it eat at me....and believe me...I have a memory like an elephant.....I seem to absorb EVERYTHING.....or getting on with what I had faught so hard to have....my marriage and my family.

We moved....not because I wanted to....but we had to...and yes it was like a fresh start....after we got out of my in-laws and into our own house almost 2 years into recovery.

We are a little over 3 years into recovery now....and man....what a change we have both made.

I know it is easier said than done......but really thinking about how much time you are wasting by thinking of things that had nothing to do with you....and things that are in the past and can't be changed really helped me.

If you would like to email me at any time please do so......

the3ringcircus2003@yahoo.com

<small>[ November 04, 2004, 09:29 PM: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</small>

Marsha,
I posted your link over on the recovery board to get some folks over there to help you out.

We have a really great support system over there for people just like you... AND ME <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I keep thinking about them and I just want to punish my husband </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You DON'T want to punish your H...what you really want to do is somehow...someway... have him FEEL what you felt. You're diving into your little bag of goodies...searching...searching... trying to find SOMETHING.

It will NEVER happen. NOTHING...will ever hurt him like you've been hurt.

BUT... you have the ability to heal. It takes time...and hard work...and the healing DOES begin.

You are in a down right now...but you'll come back up.

It's not about a timeline in days...weeks...months..it's about a timeline in the BS.... different BS...reach different levels...at different times.

HOWEVER...we've drawn the same conclusions....that around the 6 months mark...you turn a corner... it's not FULL recovery...but something will change in YOU.

Drop on over to the recovery board if you're up to it...and I'm sure you'll find people over there that can relate with what you're going through perfectly.

Hi MarshaR-

It's very hard to do isn't it? I am still struggling with this whole recovery. I see you are having your H sell off his truck and the rental house. Thank You. THAT is why we are selling my house. I can't stand walking into that room. It triggers me still. If you need to talk just holler!

Yes your right I want him to hurt like I hurt. I've even thought about having an affair myself so he can see what it's like. I don't know if I'd ever really do that but I think about it. I want him to hurt like I hurt. Is that so wrong? LOL!! Yeah, it is I know. I know this all takes time but I need to do something NOW to help cuz at times my H thinks I really don't want this marriage to work. I have posted on the recovery board I just don't get much response over there and I need help in a bad way right now. I am starting to come out of the down dip right now but I know the high days don't last long <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

MarshaR,

Hi, I'm cgar. And I was right where you are about 4 years ago. My S and I are one of the couples who have made it to the other side. It has been a long and hard journey and even now I am not sure I could tell you exactly how we got here. It's kinda' like we kept driving and making turns, not knowing which way to go, and finally, made it to familiar surroundings!

Recovery can have a plan. It can be derailed but it also can be put back on the track with the help of family, friends and the wonderful people on this site. In the depths of my darkest times, I came to this site and posted. I,too, did not receive much response and it kinda' put me off but I just kep reading and lurking. With time I began to recognize certain patterns of A's, WS's, BS's, recovery both sucessful and not. Now, I post on the recovery site when I feel I can give help back because many there have helped me whether they knew it or not.

(((((((((((Marsha)))))))))))))

I hope you can feel that cyber hug <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Cgar

MarshaR

I'm sorry you didn't get our attention over in Recovery. Sometimes I read a post but don't respond bc I feel inadequate. You'll see from my signature that I'm very young to this awful experience. I can tell you my recovery is going very well. It has its ups and downs -- I had a trigger Monday -- but as Fraggles said in another post -- the aftermath of a trigger isn't as intense as it once was. There is progress.

I don't know how much reading you've done. It has helped me enormously. I found this site about one month after d-day. I lurked and read for a while. The articles and readings on this site helped also. The book Surviving an Affair gave me some healthy structure to stay focused.

Are you in counseling? Many churches/pastors will provide marriage and individual counseling for free.

MarshaR, it didn't happen here in my home. But phone calls to her did. Thoughts of her did. He once called her from my D's softball game. WSs bring the OP into our lives -- but I refuse to give her a foothold. If NC is respected, she's not part of the recovery in my mind. She is a part of my pain. This may sound weird, but years ago when I had major surgery I hurt a lot. I was able to "touch" the pain, recognize it, and then put it aside. That's what I try to do with OW. If I feel that pain, I recognize it, and then push it away.

MarshaR,

You have to tell your H, not a demand, but info about how you feel about the truck and the house. Then ask him what is he going to do about it to help you to overcome it ?.

I don't know your story, how did you take him back ?. Are both of you in M counseling ?. You need someone to tell him in a Texan's way ... do you want your M or your truck & rental home ? if you keep your truck & rental home ... you won't have your M and you have to split up 50-50 your truck & rental home anyway <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . You can't say that but 3rd person could <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

-rh-

This has been interesting to me because I also have truck issues here. FWH keeps saying he isn't in the market for a new truck, likes the ones he has. I hate it. Everytime I ride in it, which is very seldom, I feel like puking. Weird thing is I picked it out for him. I was driving one day about a month before the A started and I saw it and I said wow that would be perfect for H. Right color and everything else about it. He went right over and bought it. Then he has sex in it with someone other than me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . We still have the truck and it certainly isn't my favorite place to be and it is a huge trigger for me. I figured once we were through with the major part of recovery I would mention how much I hate it. Right now I don't have to ride in it if I don't choose to so it isn't hampering our recovery much.

Good Luck!

HINY

marsha,

listen to the good folks that are reaching out to you. you're getting good counsel.

in order to start making some forward progress you have to give yourself permission to hurt and realize that what you're feeling is pretty normal for the trauma you're going through.

you also have to have a plan. i once posted this to you when you were on the recovery board. a person wobbles, doubts, stews, and wanders in the dark when they don't have a plan. if your plan is to recover, then get serious about it and stop this wobbling. a plan, by the way, will help you segment the logical side from your runaway emotional side.

you may have to learn how to compartmentalize. i sometimes marvel at foreverhers, how he mentions his fws's affair went on for six years and how the tapes, if he let them out, would haunt him. he has learned to effectively compartmentalize and to steadfastly focus on his goal: recovery.

i would suggest you spend some time evaluating constructive ways to heal. in your alone time, ask yourself how all this wallowing is helping you to personally recover, or for your relationship to recover? further, how is this returning to this decaying carcass to poke at it helping you form constructive habits to deal with life's disappointments. ask yourself the hard questions again....do you truly want to recover this relationship or are you simply seeking revenge in some acceptable form before you walk away from a relationship you deem too broken to fix?

i don't say these things to hurt you, marsha. i say them because i care and because i remember well being where you are.

remember, today i am 3+ years post dday. but three years ago, i was where you are now. everyday i wallowed in the mire. everyday i mused about the relative merits of causing him to hurt like i did. everyday i obsessed about his vehicle and how they used it for their tryst. everyday i mentally rehearsed the betrayal, the lies, the geography they covered in their dates and mentally made lists of all MY losses and hurts.

it took a real wakeup call to realize that what he didn't kill by his stupidity, i had taken up the charge to finish myself off. that was sobering. i vowed to live, and to live fully. i had already had some success with that on my good days and moments. but i decided to be bold and to step back into the light. i also, silly as it sounds, had a stern talk with myself. i realized that i wasn't as weak as i was trying to convince myself i was - and i would rise above all of this sadness and misery and live....not only live, i'd live well.

in short, i got my legs back underneath of me. i took back the good parts of my life and decided to cherish the things that mattered. i decided that the one thing that i could never get back was the time that had been robbed. the lies could be undone with truth, the apologies could be given and forgiveness rendered - but the time, well it was lost forever. i vowed that NO more time would be lost on silliness. the course was charted, and though there have been dips and valleys on this path, the goal remained the same.

i trust that you love your husband. i trust that he loves you. now, what are you going to do? the answer, truly, lies in your hands.

always, pendragon

ps. if you have specific questions about how to do a particular thing, ask. there are so many here that are wise and experienced. generic questions, i've found are too loose to give practical answers back. stay the course, post often. and get back to the recovery site so we can see your posts, eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Diz, yes my husband thinks it's a good idea to sell these things cuz they bother me. That in itself has helped me so much. That is he very willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy. A little about my story. My husband had an A for a year with one of our friends. We've been having problems mostly with communication. She would talk to him about anything and everything made him feel good about himself yadda yadda. Happened one night at a friends house they went for a drive in his truck. He then hired her for a few months, he is a contractor. I've had problems with her since day one! I knew something was up but didn't want it to be true so ignored it. Dumb me!! I asked many times but always believed him cuz he's my husband and would never do this to me. DDay he told all, held nothing back, answered all my questions for over a month. VERY apologetic, was so very hurt that he hurt me so bad and still is. Will do ANYTHING for me, wants to rebuild with all his being. NC since I found out. OW lied about being pregnant, had to go through that for 2 months. That was hell. We counsel with Steven Harley since Aug 26th. I want to take my life back! I don't want her to control what I do! I don't even really like her and yet I think about her all the time. It's time for me to stop this madness! My husband even bought beautiful new diamond wedding bands so we can renew our vows, I just haven't felt like it yet. I keep wondering if all this hurt is worth it or should I just pack up and leave. I don't cuz I have two boys that I homeschool and I don't work. Why should I have to work and put the boys into school when he's the one that slept with that slut! I didn't do anything wrong!! I just keep getting so pissed at him and pushing him away. It's like come here I want you then next day go away your an a@@hole! (sigh)

Forgot to mention, we have never spent the night apart since DDay. Even when we found out she was supposedly pregnant. I totaly flipped out screamed shouted but we talked for hours and made some progress. In all our marriage we have never had a seperation.

<small>[ November 05, 2004, 08:34 AM: Message edited by: MarshaR ]</small>

marsha,

i think we were posting at the same time. your latest post reveals the "wobble" that i spoke of. i hope you can take time to hear the counsel and concern that is being offered. you're not alone.

-pendragon

I agree with RH, be honest about your feelings.

Start with "I am bothered because..." As you think of things, share them with him. Let him know he can't fix anything, these are just things you will have to work out. Let him know you need a great amount of reassuring. That you are trying to build back your trust, but that he CAN help with that.

Ask for what you need.

What helped me in the months afterward is that I wanted to be a better W so he didn't feel the need to run to OW again. I also wanted to make him pay.

I found out later that the h$ll and hard time he is giving himself I could never match. He IS paying.

Yes, I know my husband hurts. That he will pay every day of his life as he thinks about what he's done. Pendragon, I wrote you over on the recovery board! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I seem to wobble every 2 or 3 days. Steve says this is normal and will get further and further apart as I recover. Since I am NOT good at communication this is where the break down comes in to play. I need to tell him about how I feel and he begs me too all the time. He wants to do anything for me if I'll just tell him what I need. Why is this so hard for me to do??? I wanted to talk to him last night but I couldn't get the words out. He even knew I wanted to talk but we just talked about the kids and he didn't push it. Maybe I'll try again today or maybe I'll just write it down. I seem to do it better that way. Thanks everyone for helping me through this rough spot.

One possible explanation for why you don't share your feelings....


You have learned in the past that it was not SAFE to share your feelings. What would happen when you would tell someone what you were feeling? Did you get told "Oh no honey, don't feel that way."

Another explanation, you don't trust him. He will hurt you if you show your vulnerability to him...also something you learned in the past.

Both you have used to protect yourself, both are PROBABLY outdated defenses now. As Dr. Phil would say "How's that working for ya?" Do you still need this protection?

marsha,

the reason you don't reveal your thoughts isn't a mystery. history has shown you that by extending trust and allowing someone close to you to know you, your thoughts, etc - you've made yourself vulnerable and it ended up being a direct route for someone you cared about to destroy you.

as humans, we try to self-protect. by building wall, you think you're reinforcing your ability to keep someone from hurting you. logically, it makes sense, but in practical terms it doesn't.

a marriage is about mutual caring and trust, and being vulnerable and being able to share on the most intimate level. that's what you're trying to restore. you don't restore it by withholding.

all of this sounds pretty cut and dried, but i need to keep reminding you that i was in the same spot you're in just three short years ago. it was that defining moment that told me that following my instincts and feelings weren't getting me anywhere. I had to go back to rock solid things: i loved him. he loved me. we both had made some terrible mistakes, albeit his decision to have an affair seemed to trump any of the ones i had made. we were both good people and despite the mistakes we were still good people. we wanted to recover and have a wonderful marriage and never repeat the past.

i had to take a leap of faith and let him back into my world. i had to stop the downward spiral - what a long-ago poster named Chorus used to call The Hobby of Despair. I had to stop revisiting the carcass to dredge up bad feelings to validate why I thought I needed to keep hurting. I had to let go of the obsessive thoughts about the OP and realize that she is what she is - a twit, an opportunist, and someone that was in the wrong place at the wrong time that allowed my husband to act out. I had to realize that positive thoughts and actions would beget positive thoughts and actions and no amount of wallowing in negativity would get me one step in the right direction. I had to will myself to live, to love, to forgive, and to recover. And I had to learn to relax and just Be.

hang in there. -pendragon