Just thinking about ya...haven't seen a post from you in about a week ("good" time to take a break!)

How are you doing, friend?

<small>[ November 05, 2004, 04:42 AM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

Thanks LINY...
I hope all is well on your side of the world.

Things have been very difficult, well at least there hasn't been any arguing. I've just accepted that there's nothing more that I can do to change my W's attitude or thought processes. We are still sleeping in separate rooms, I guess she doesn't mind the roommate thing? I am thinking about filing for D, that's why I haven't posted, I don't want to be the guy with the negative thread. I am feeling upbeat about everything else in my life, so I do feel blessed. I have some very hard decisions to make so I've been trying to simply exhale and let whatever I do be something natural, without emotion, animosity or desperation. She seems content to let this marriage slip through her fingers and I've been coming to a place of acceptance where maybe parting ways isn't such a bad thing. There is such a thing as irreconcilable differences right?

Take care and thanks for your friendship and support. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I do wonder if other BS's have thrown in the towel due to running out of gas in recovery...

Quitting seems like a waste, but this is so draining. I miss happy weekends.

GOod luck to all of you....
I wouldn't change fighting to for my marriage regardless what my marital status becomes. I respect myself and that's huge....

but humans are selfish so I guess it's understandable that I wanted to have my W and my sanity...

but if I had to choose ..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

FM...hugs, prayers, beers...whatever will ease the pain for that moment, here's to ya.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've just accepted that there's nothing more that I can do to change my W's attitude or thought processes.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You do know, you never could do this anyway? You never could "change" her. It's a damn shame.

I don't want to pry--this in mind that I know you haven't followed the MB way strictly--the principles? Absolutely--but, have you thought about plan B, or is it too fargone now? I don't want to bog you down with questions, but the one in the forefront: has she gone to see a psychiatrist (and meds?) And along with that, are you taking care of yourself?

You've proven to be a very deep (and regretful) man. I wouldn't want you making a decision *you* wouldn't be able to live with. Then again, it just may be best for you and your kids. (How are they?!?!? Hoping your D is still back with you, negative for both and all.) I'm having a tough time just thinking of what to write to you. And you are living it. {{FM}}

I sincerely mean this--please let me know anything me (or even me and brown) can do. Phone call. Email. A thread. Whatever. (Let me know if there is. For real.)

We both started here around the same time. I grew a great admiration for you--still have that. Just wish (and pray) that we could be in the same place. And to think, I still have a lot of work to do.

For you, for what it is worth (and probably something you still don't want to hear but I'm gonna go there anyway), YOU will be a better person. You already have grown. We've all seen it. Just hope and pray your W realizes how close to end of her M is.

Love, peace, and harmony, brother.

LINY

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LINY:
<strong>

For you, for what it is worth (and probably something you still don't want to hear but I'm gonna go there anyway), YOU will be a better person. You already have grown. We've all seen it. Just hope and pray your W realizes how close to end of her M is.

Love, peace, and harmony, brother.

LINY </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know you're right LINY...I am a much better man and it still bothers me that I wasn't a better man before. I went to church today, me and my son in the house of the lord and it was beautiful. My wife declined to go, afterwards we went and ate lunch, then I picked him up some clothes for school, he's growing so fast!!! I love my life and I still love my life, but I will file for D sometime this week. If only I could rewind time and be me when I was the other guy blind to what what really matters.

God bless you all.

{{{{{{{{MB}}}}}}}}}

FM, may you find a way to be at peace with all this.

Hope your daughter is doing okay, too.

GC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by graycloud:
<strong> FM, may you find a way to be at peace with all this.

Hope your daughter is doing okay, too.

GC </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">first...thanks for responding GC...
Yes my daughter is doing fine...she's currently in a girls grouphome, but she will be here on the weekends real soon. I'm blessed that she was found unharmed.

I always thought my situation would work itself out and my W and I would be just fine, recover and she'd look back on all of this and feel I was her KNIGHT who never gave up on her..instead she treats me coldly as if I've wronged her, she'd distant and refuses to be a W to me...yesterday I touched her on the back as we walked in the house..you should have seen her fighting to not smile...its as if its her lifes mission not to be my W. We must learn to accept things and maintain our dignity and self-respect, I'de done this and I do not regret it, not for a second.

I am a good man and I deserve better, we all must reap what we sow, REALITY comes for us all.

FamilyMatters -

Sorry you are at this place now. I do think that there is only so much one person can do. I'm right on the verge of filing for D. But I still feel good about everything as I did my best for a long time.

All of my family and friends think I'm completely crazy to hold on for so long, but like RedHat says, I can look back with no regrets.

(((((((((FM)))))))))))))

I know you are hurting ,and very sad about making a desion that I believe you do not want to make .

So can I ask you (well going to ask anyway LOL) DO YOU WANT TO FILE FOR D?

If not than why do it?? YES I have heard all that you wrote but still do not see that YOU need to be the one to "fix" this for her in anyway ...

Being more clear ,, can you ask her to leave ? Just explain that this has gone on long enough and that you feel you have done everything YOU can think of to try to restore the M ,, BUT if she is not willing to parciapate that it leaves some things to be done and SHE must grow up and do then ..

1 you do not want to live with a roomate ,so there for if she wants to continue to live there she would have to go to MC, IC, and start to interact as a W ..

2 if she can't to do that then she needs to FILE for D if she does not want to be a W in this M ..

JMO --- she jumped home to soon , is in WITHDRAWAL , and also with that comes depression ...OR may still have some CONTACT with OM or his <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> family ...

Either way its not all healthy for you ... but again JMO its not healthy for you to FILE for D it YOU do not want one .
I know the 2 of you where seperated some time ago but very well possiable that this separation is needed on a long term for her to straighten out her life .

PLease , if I am way off here tell me to take a leap <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

BUT I feel like YOU are doing this and its not what you want but feel more that she will be better if you do ...

I think the selfish thing is ok , if you are doing it cause YOU JUST HAD ENOUGH and thats that. YA know what I am saying ???

AND please know that I agree that YOU have done a great job here on yourself and forgiveness to her and have been a wonderful farther and strong man through out this hole ordeal .

Best to you FM ..

JUST be sure you are not doing it to help her anymore .. D should be that YOU want it . The calm in heart should be the first priority (sp)

3

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 3isacrowd:
<strong>
So can I ask you (well going to ask anyway LOL) DO YOU WANT TO FILE FOR D?

If not than why do it?? YES I have heard all that you wrote but still do not see that YOU need to be the one to "fix" this for her in anyway ... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3isa,
I think you have a very vaild point:

Why should I file if she's the one not living up to her role as a W?


My struggle begins when I imagine putting up with this for another 6 months, or a year. I cannot continue to be so stressed. I sent my W an email asking some important questions and based on her answers I will make final decisions. Its a very difficult position to be in:

Does my W fail to assume her role as W due to choosing not to

of

Does my W fail to assume her role due to her depression/withdrawal etc..


See the answers to those questions cut to the core of my decisions and unfortunately I don't know if I can answer them, and I'm only partly certain if my W can answer them?

I do not want the loop where I say okay lets move on with life and then she runs in 6 months from now saying heeeeeeeey...wait I want my life back, I'm ready now!!! I want my W to say that to me NOW...she's not SAYING THAT TO ME...she's not saying anything.

Back to your response, I agree its time that my W make some decisions, I do not need to take her off the hook by filing for her. I would be willing to do what's necessary to keep us one family but only IF my W's willing to roll up her sleeves and help, I cannot do this alone anymore. I'm tired of feeling frustrated, I hope her responses to my questions shed some light on the path I need to take. I will shut up and follow her answers and not sway her in anyway. I will accept that I've put us in a position to save our marriage but in order to mend it I WILL need her participation and her acceptance of her role as a W. I don't feel that I'm asking for too much, but in the end I need clarity and realness not vague responses where she refuses to take ownership of her own life and the impact of her actions on our family. This must stop.

FM

If anyone has time please help me decipher this message, comments are appreciated.

I think it shows she is still depressed, fogged etc..and any action I make is probably not going to change her mindstate. Also bear in mind we are sleeping in separate rooms and have been that way for about 2 weeks, she has left like 3 times, slept on the couch for a month etc, etc...
IMHO, this is not some chipper situation though her letter might lead you to believe so..



Family Matters,

You’re doing a great job – you are in your role and handling your business as well. How I truly feel? I know I need to go, just for a little while. I do not feel worthy of being your wife – you’ve seen and endured way too much for a husband. A wife is supposed to be adored, revered – all those good/sweet “wifey” things a wife is suppose to receive from her husband that I’m not deserving of at this time. I know you are anxious to give them, but either I’m really not the one or it’s just not my time yet. If things were reversed, I know I would be incensed. I do look at things differently that involve me, mainly because I know me. I never wanted anyone to get hurt, that’s not my nature. Looking at this past situation, I was selfish and wanted what I wanted when I wanted it and felt no one had a say of my choices. I would never take flight from my family to a friendship and at the same time did not want to give up that “other side” of me that I claimed as mine as an individual.


At one point I feel I need to remove myself completely, but then if I do, I lose my son and that will send me further into a depression of missing him. I don’t want him to be sad or ever feel that I don’t love him and that I’m leaving him. That happened when I left before, so I know what to expect. I know he’ll be alright, but I’m mommy and he’s supposed to see/be with me everyday. If I stay, I’m messing up your life in the meantime and that is not fair to you. I’m not where I need to be to make us both happy and something this special and important should not be forced and thinking back, I had to be forcing myself back thinking everything would glide right into the “normal”. I honestly had high hopes of making things work once and for all when I came back the first time – that was no con.

I will go away/separate if that is best but I want to be able to see our SON anytime. If after a while you feel like I’ve still got you on a marital string, I will not make things hard for you if you want to divorce. I’m sorry for everything.

I am calling Dr. ### today, maybe she can see me sooner than Saturday. You’re right, whether I stay or go, this depression is going to follow me and I really, really need to get the help, stop crying all the time and move on.


Family Matters Wife

<small>[ November 08, 2004, 01:17 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

help if anyone has time...

thanks folks...

FM,

I think it is a positive step that she has recognised her depression and is now ready to actually do something about that. I think that might be a catalyst for change in a few other areas.

Is there any way for you to pull back and get some of what you need from other things? What I mean is, trying to move on with your life no matter what? Is it possible for you to do that even if she is still around just being a 'roommate'?
It seems to me that she feels very unworthy of you and she is even in awe of how much you have done. She doesn't think that she can ever do as much as you and so she's not trying because she's afraid of failure or of being judged a failure by you.
So maybe if you can pull back, she might be able to make some small efforts and see that she is not a failure, that she can also do something positive for your R, which will then lead her on to feel good about herself, and then she might do more. Just an idea anyway.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by smur:
<strong> FM,

I think it is a positive step that she has recognised her depression and is now ready to actually do something about that. I think that might be a catalyst for change in a few other areas.

Is there any way for you to pull back and get some of what you need from other things? What I mean is, trying to move on with your life no matter what? Is it possible for you to do that even if she is still around just being a 'roommate'?
It seems to me that she feels very unworthy of you and she is even in awe of how much you have done. She doesn't think that she can ever do as much as you and so she's not trying because she's afraid of failure or of being judged a failure by you.
So maybe if you can pull back, she might be able to make some small efforts and see that she is not a failure, that she can also do something positive for your R, which will then lead her on to feel good about herself, and then she might do more. Just an idea anyway. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well what I've done so far hasn't worked or at least it hasn't achieved the results I anticipated, so anythings worth a shot. I actually was thinking this just today, move on with her in the home? I'm seriously considering this, and this is something I would have never considered just a month ago. I was more selfish then I guess, it was either recovery or I want to end this drama. I get very close to throwing in the towel and then I read a scripture, see my son hug her, or I glance at an old photo and think what if I could hold on just another week?
I hold on for that week and its essentially more of the same. Yes, move on it is, for now. I am seriously considering this option FOR A SPECIFIC AMOUNT OF TIME THAT IS...I don't want to live with a roommate, or within a unfulfilling M ALONE indefinetly, but I do think I should give her time to let the medication to show results in leveling out her depression.