My WW must really think she is in love w/OM.

She said again 2 days ago that she ended it, but yesterday she said he came by her desk and talked to her. She wont quit her job. She tells me she really wants her family, but does nothing to get them back.

3 day ago I heard a recording of her and OM making out in car... moans etc. This made me look at her differently. Do I really want her? Can I live with someone who wants someone else.

Last night she said she is unhappy and she wants to be happy. I tell her she is selfish and what about our boys happiness and that if she ends up with OM she will still be unhappy. I also asure her she will be happy with me again if she gets rid of OM. She cant see that now.

I have told her before that I would not file for D and I am not going to give up on my family, but last night I told her I have been in hell for last 5 mo and if she talks to him again I WILL file. I know she cannot stop talking to him. I also would love to let her go and fall flat on her face and regret this the rest of her life, but where does that leave the boys and me.

I really think that I am going to do it.

Beleive me. I am a good man, husband and father.
She has a v. good life and family.
I know half the reason we drifted apart was because of me. Its hard when you have 2 young children close in age.

Please someone, give me hope, tell me what I should do. I am not going to stay here and let her cake eat and I am not going to give my W permision to fool around with another guy; what does that say about me as a man.

What is it going to take for her to see the light.

I don't have the answers here, but I will pose some questions that may help you find the answer.

How long have you plan A'd? Just wondering. You made it clear by your post that you cannot plan A while she is continuing the A. That leaves plan B. If you did file for seeperation, what do YOU think her reaction would be? Would she see the light, or would she go for OM?

This is a lot more difficult because you have 2 children, but also, in a wierd way, works in your favor. If it were just you two, there is a lot less there to keep her from leaving. But there is more than just your two futures at stake. Do you know the statistics for children who come from broken homes when it comes to alcoholism, drugs, depression, etc.? Does she? Is she that selfish that she would risk her childrens' future well being and tear apart the family just to fill her own needs?

You have already confronted her about the A if I remember your story right, yet she persists. Maybe she doesn't really realize the consequences of her actions. I have read on here people plan A'ing through an awful lot, stuff I wouldn't put up with. You have to decide if you can do that, or will it only cause you to despise her?

There are many more experienced MB's than I here. I am just posing some questions to you that I would ask and have asked myself. I have not had to confront my WW continuing PA, hopefully never do. But I have already decided what I would do if it happened?

Right now, I can tell by your post that you are rattled. Calm down, detach your feelings from you W and think clearly of what your next course of action is. She is in control of you, how are you going to take back control of yourself?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SoNumb:

I have told her before that I would not file for D and I am not going to give up on my family, but last night I told her I have been in hell for last 5 mo and if she talks to him again I WILL file. I know she cannot stop talking to him. I also would love to let her go and fall flat on her face and regret this the rest of her life, but where does that leave the boys and me.

I really think that I am going to do it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Issuing promises or ultimatums is counterproductive and you end up losing more respect from her if you don't follow through.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please someone, give me hope, tell me what I should do.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you feel that you are losing plenty of love for her then consider implementing Plan B. Plan A is not intended to become a lifestyle [with the exception of ending all love busters of course] and if you stay in it for too long you will end up losing all love for her and head straight for divorce. Plan B has many advantages:

1. Reduces the amount of love withdrawls from your love bank. You need to have enough love to weather the hard part of the initial phases of marital recovery.

2. You take yourself away from the day to day pain of seeing your WW cake eating.

3. And last, but certainly not least, you give her clear notice that you are no longer going to stand for the situation and that until she choses to end all contact with the OM and recommit to rebuilding the marriage, she is not to depend on you for anything. This is where she will get a taste reality without you in her life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not going to stay here and let her cake eat and I am not going to give my W permision to fool around with another guy; what does that say about me as a man.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then implement Plan B and get back control of your life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What is it going to take for her to see the light.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MAYBE facing the consequences of her decisions.

Bear, to answer your question, YES, she is that selfish. She is a completely different person now. I can see where the alien thing comes from. I have asked her from the beginning, "just stay away from him (NC) for a couple mo for you kids so you can see" "do it for them" but she can't. It is a v. strong addiction.

There is no legal seperation in my state, just divorce. If you file using irreconcilable differences, then you have to separate for 6 mo before D can be final. But if I file, its going to say adultary as cause, then you dont have to wait.

I really beleive I am going to stick w/ my promise. Enough is Enough. No more seperations, I told my son that I will not leave again. When I tell her to leave she says she is not leaving w/o the boys.

I guess I need to start preparing the house to sell. By the time the fog lifts, there will be nothing left. Thats when she will see the consequences of her decision. It's a shame.

I sent her this Email today; what do all think.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> OM wants and wanted a married women.
OM wants to break up a beautiful family.
OM wants WW to give up all she has worked for and believed in.
OM wants S1 and S2 to grow up in a broken family.
OM wants S1 and S2 to lose time with their mother and father.
OM wants S1, S2, SoNumb and WW to lose their house.
OM wants SoNumb to give him his wife and family.
OM wants to ignore the fact that deep down, WW really wants her family.
OM wants to ignore the fact that S1 and S2 will resent their mother and him one day.


The sad part is, WW may give OM what he wants.

Does OM really care about WW; I think not.

OM is a predator.
OM has nothing to lose.
OM is very selfish.

Remember, talk is cheap.

From the person who REALLY loves WW, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The names have been change to protect thier identities. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Anyway, I don't know, but thanks for your replies.

SN,

I'm sorry you are going through this. Its tough. You've got to do what you think is best but the only advice I can give you is make sure you think it through first. I'm great at making rash decisions. Thankfully I usually run them past someone first which gives me time to think.

If you read my story (link in my signature) you'll see we have some in common and you can see what I did. I don't know if I did the right or wrong things, but I do know its what I had to do.

Hang in there and do the right thing! I'm sure you will.

I take it OM is not married?

Anyone to expose the A to? Family, friends, work associates?? Sounds like your W is so foggy it would not deter her....but maybe it would.

They say you must try to do ANYTHING to stop the contact.

k

M, I have read your story is somewhat similar, but my W wont leave w/o kids. That is what is really going to hit her when/if I file for D. cause Im going for custody.

You know my fogged up W took my kids w/OM out of state for a couple days to evacuate for huricane. I think that gives me some ammo in D. I am v. afraid that D will be extremely ugly, b/c I was hurt so bad. You can forget about getting remarried to each other.

K- no OM is not married. I was thinking about contacting his mother. I really don't think they know the whole story. How would you like your son doing this to a family. He has no heat on him at all. I could also get them both fired from thier jobs, but then I would be taking $ away from my kids. Then when I think about it I would give any amount of $ for my family.

SN,

I'm not sure what the divorce rules are where you live but where I live its VERY difficult to get full custody (especially for man) unless :

1. Your WW doesn't want custody
2. She is abusive or has a problem with substance abuse

The rules are different everywhere so probably you should consult a lawyer if you decide to go through with this.