My WW has been in contact with OM six months past D-day (EA obvious, PA possible). PA for 18 months prior to D-day.

For six months I thought WW was in NC and now I am back to the beginning. WW stated she has feelings for OM and that they are still quite strong. WW said she is not physically attracted to me. I asked her to leave the house, however at this time OM does not have the means to take her in. OM is unemployed and dependent on his wife. They had made plans to live together, but it was mostly daydreaming.

My question is:

If WW cannot regain love for BH the marriage is over. Is it appropriate to see a lawyer now?

What is the point of this if WW loves the OM? Is this the end? I waited six months and she still cannot give up on OM.

What are we supposed to do when WW never regains love for the BH?

If you've done a good Plan A and she still refuses to end contact with the OM, then it is time for you to implement Plan B.

Exactly as TMCM said. I'll add, WW needs to feel the consequences of her actions. It's not your fault OM can't take her in. I believe, under the circumstances you've described, you should do everything you can to get her to leave, and go to Plan B. She needs to have the time to live life WITHOUT you filling ANY of her needs. If you are comfortable that your Plan A has been stellar (being honest with yourself on this), then it's time.

Let her live with her own warts, and those of the OM. Figure out somewhere for her to go.

Just MHO
SD

Edited to add: Have you fully exposed to the OM's W? If not, why not? Is she current on the continued contact? Have you read SAA, and do you know the program?

<small>[ November 05, 2004, 11:19 AM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Hi, UM.

I hate to state the obvious, but just in case;

You DO NOT LEAVE your home. Then she will have a place for the other man.

Sorry I don't have more advice.

Gimble

If the OM is unemployed so much the better because once she is unable to depend on you, she will try to get the OM to take care of her and the odds are that at this moment he is woefully inadequate for that task. There is nothing like a lethal dose of reality to kill any fantasy.

How do I get her out of the house? She does not want to leave! I don't want to get her an apartment so the OM can come and call it the love nest. If I go and get an apartment it will be the same thing. OM and WW will have a free love nest. In the past they had to rent a room in a local hotel which thye called their love nest. Gosh! I hate the term!

I am trapped by this woman.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by UnlovedMan:
How do I get her out of the house? She does not want to leave! I don't want to get her an apartment so the OM can come and call it the love nest. If I go and get an apartment it will be the same thing. OM and WW will have a free love nest. In the past they had to rent a room in a local hotel which thye called their love nest. Gosh! I hate the term!

I am trapped by this woman.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I highly advice that you contact an attorney and find out what your legal options are in this situation. Even if he/she tells you that you can't force her out of the house, you may want to ask him/her if you can put up the house for sale or other legal options that would have the same effect. If he/she tells you that the only way is to file for separation/divorce then please consider doing so.

Assuming your WW is employed, it is she who should get the apartment, and assume all the expenses for doing so.

This is a matter of consequences for her actions. Your boundry should be such that so long as she continues the A or any contact with the OM, she can provide for herself, elsewhere.

You didn't answer the questions at the bottom of my earlier post. More information from you would be helpful in advising you.

You need to understand Plan A and Plan B, so it's important to know if you've become familiar with the philosophy, or if you're flying blind, and coming to post for a quick fix (which does not exist).

Properly arm yourself for this battle. To do otherwise, is harmful to your cause.

Best wishes
SD

I have talked to wife of OM many times and we are on the same side of the ball. OM is unemployed and stays at home; the wife is a professional woman. My wife does not work. These two met as mom and dad in soccer practice (kids of the same age, also classmates).

THE BIG QUESTION I HAVE IS:

If she does not regain her pre-affair love for me. Should I file for divorce? I had a good conversation with her and she is not certain that she will ever love me again (pre-affair). She says OM does things to her that I cannot do. I know many FWWs regain feelings for the BH, but I suspect this is not always the case.

I think the right move is to leave her. I certainly have no plans to stay married to her if she has feelings for someone else. I have given her six months and she still has feelings for OM. She also admitted sex with OM was better than with me. So I guess she is telling me to dump her. What else can I do? As far as I can see plan B is separation----- so I will try to accomplish that.

ULM

I am sorry for your sad sitiuation <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Noone here can answer your question about regaining love and divorce. That is a decision you must make at teh tiem you feel is best.

What is undeniable is that affairs and infidels behaviour can typically be predicted, like the symptoms of a disease.

If you WW chooses to give up the affair and goes NC AND you both work on meeting the ENs missing recently there is every likelihood that you regain romantic love for each other once again.

It is the hope of this that keeps me going through early recovery right now. All out FWS friends tell us that once NC is in place, withdrawal recedes to manageable levels the efforts made by the BS in meeting ENs do facilitate a recovery of the romantic relationship.

There are no guarantees and of course only YOU know your heart and your sitiuation fully.

Its is very hard because you must lay aside your anger and betrayal and coax her back to you via Plan A /Plan B - plan A being the very last thing you want to do right now.Plan A is far more effectoive with the WS at home, only you know if you can stand that without fighting.

Read up here and be calm - take no decisions while angry or sad.

All blessings ULM. It gets better.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you WW chooses to give up the affair and goes NC AND you both work on meeting the ENs missing recently there is every likelihood that you regain romantic love for each other once again.
It is the hope of this that keeps me going through early recovery right now. All out FWS friends tell us that once NC is in place, withdrawal recedes to manageable levels the efforts made by the BS in meeting ENs do facilitate a recovery of the romantic relationship.
There are no guarantees and of course only YOU know your heart and your sitiuation fully.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mr. Pure: There are no guarantees!

We don’t get to hear from the WWs that never recover the love for the BH. I am sure there are many who come back to a loveless marriage out of convenience to lay low for a while before the next affair develops.

I read the statements by the FWWs who say they love their husbands. But, what else are they going to say once they decided they were going to stay married.

I think it is possible to love again. IN fact I am now loving my wife again with the intensity I had when we dated. This love was precipitated by the thought of losing her. Maybe she needs to lose me. PLAN B may be the answer, but then I am facilitating a love nest for them. No easy answers. I wish I did not love my wife.

Your love for her is the fuel that will help you survive this ordeal.

She is "mentally ill", "temporarily insane", her brain had been taken to the mothership, and she is NOT THE WOMAN YOU KNOW AND MARRIED. This is a recurring theme, and you will find it in every thread. People in affairs do not act in ordinary ways. Their thinking is clouded and flawed. They, however, think their on top of the world, in their demented, delusional state.

IF you have done a great Plan A (assuming you know what that is), and

IF you love her and want to shoulder 100% of the efforts to rebuild your marriage, and

IF you are prepared to endure more pain and dissapointment during this recovery period, and,

IF you are willing to do all of this with no guarantees.... then,

Believe in the Marriage Builders program. It's not perfect, but it's better than anything else I could find in a program giving you direction in this Herculean effort.

It is designed to improve you as a human being, and prepare you to be a new and improved person with greater inner strength and self confidence to survive all this, whether your marriage survives or not. In addition, it gives you a plan on how to be proactive in getting the affair to end, and how to prevent your marriage from becoming vulnerable again.

Everything your WW says to you now is fog talk. Don't believe it, don't even pay any attention to it. She'll say anything right now, even to the extent of provoking you to anger, which is to further justify her seeing the OM as her Knight in Shining, while she sees you as a "jerk" who's only reason for existance is to piss her off.

Take a deep breath, see your Dr. for some Anti'D's, buy the book, read it, understand it, post here with questions, or to vent, and get busy saving your marriage. No one else is going to do it for you. It's all in your hands, but we'll help you along the way.

If you haven't done PLAN A for the past 6 months, then keep her at home until you've read the book and understand what to do. We'll help with the rest.

SD

I posted this recently to another person who was in a similar dilemma.

You'll see a lot of posts here from people who refuse, for whatever reason, to "buy" into the MB program. You can tell they haven't read around the site at all, much less read the book, SAA.

Most people here base their responses on the MB Philosophy.

I'm hoping you aren't one of the folks I described above...

JMHO
SD

<small>[ November 05, 2004, 02:21 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

incase you didn't listen before. Do not leave your house!!!!

We are both on ADs. We have folowed MB principles and we read SAA book. We were supposed to be in the "filling love units" business and she was doing her end of the deal; NC.

So I was playing ball and she was fooling me the whole time by having contact with OM. Now she says she could not do NC just like that because OM is very emotionally hurt and not taking ADs. She denies intercourse, but they have seen each other several times in public places to talk and to do a slow NC.

To be honest, I am running low on my LU bank and I am starting to detest this woman whom I loved madly not that long ago. How can she lie to me and do it so well after D-day is beyond me.

So here I am stuck with her. She will not leave the house, she does not want a divorce, but tells me she has feelings for the OM and is not sure she loves me. I guess I am going to keep her in the house and see what is her next move. Right now she acts like a robot with no feelings. This is very disappointing. And that frigging OM kept putting all kinds of stupid things in her head for another six months. Like they are going to live in Europe. Of course, OM is flat broke and has no idea his wife may kick him out one of these days. I will keep praying!

With all that you've posted, your LB is drying out, so go get legal council, and do whatever it takes to get her out of your house. File for legal separation, and ask that it be stipulated that either she goes out, or the house goes up for sale and you go seperate ways. All this with Plan B as your ultimate plan or goal.

She is cake eating, and having the best of both worlds. You need to shut her out of yours until she is able to live within boundries you have set. NC, MC, NC letter, all of the things that are "dealbreakers" for you.

You need to empower yourself here, not sit back and wait to see what she does. Be proactive in your efforts, not reactive. Give yourself a pep talk, and get busy.

You can do this! Many others have successfully done it. Draw on their success for strength!
SD