Hey there!

You've been gone a long time, and I just wanted to find out if things are still moving ahead with the seperation (D?), or how he or you are handling all this.

I know its kind of complicated since your DD still works with him and OW is/was an employee.

Again, you've given us a pretty creepy image of your H...so we DO STill worry. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

(Also some of us are just plain nosey!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> he, he

But if you see this..please just let us know your STILL OK and where your heading.

Thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

^^^bump for Haywire^^^

Been wondering about you too.

Last I remember WH had no remorse, you had asked him to leave, he was staying with OW, and was denying there was an A.

You were planning to go to Plan D.

TR, I was just thinking about her earlier this week. Thanks for posting this! How are ya, haywire?

Thanks for thinking of me!. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Sometimes things are so overwhelming that it's hard to put them in writing!

But we're OK. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I'm fine, DD is fine and I'll try to fill you in without making this too long.

I filed for divorce at the end of Sept. and WH was served a few weeks ago. I worried about his reaction but he's been calm for the most part. There've been a few angry phone calls but nothing else. There have also been some congenial phone calls but I've finally become a bit more wise -- for awhile I'd almost believe the things he said about missing me, thinking of me... but I can see through it now.

He has an apartment a few miles away but is still working here daily with DD. They're getting along alright for the most part, other than occasional blowups, but he's been withholding pay from her. That makes me crazy! Well, she and I are working on that. All the clients are here for her; none will leave when he leaves. So we're working on separating her business dealings from his.

He's still seeing the OW, with her living at his apartment much of the time. He was still trying to deny the affair until a week or so ago when I went to his apartment during the night, videotaped their two cars, sat in my truck in the driveway until they came out in the morning, and tape recorded their conversations with me. It must have scared the crapola out of Ms. OW when she saw my truck blocking her car <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I also found a deposit slip showing that WH recently deposited a large chunk of money into the OW's account.... I think my next career will be in the investigative field LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> The PI couldn't find out where he was living so I did the deed myself one night by following him from his favorite watering hole.

The court date is set for Jan. 5 but he'll probably have it extended. The settlement will be difficult, but I feel much better now that I know his best-/my worst- case scenario is that he could be entitled to a portion of my family home's equity, not a portion of the total value. Boy I'm glad I did that refinancing last year!

So things are going along okay. I have ups and downs but mostly feel good, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. DD seems much brighter and confident too. I know we'll make it through this, but I also know it's going to be a tough year getting through the D.

Thanks again for calling out to me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 12, 2004, 10:08 PM: Message edited by: haywire ]</small>

haywire, I am so very happy to hear that you are doing so good. I am also very proud of you for not falling for his lines and protecting yourself from him. How clever of you to track him down when even the P.I. couldn't! That is wonderful. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


Have you found any new hobbies? What are you doing with yourself socially?

Socially? Ha! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I wish I could do more, but I can't complain. I've been getting together with friends now and then and prying my daughter out for dinner whenever she's not too tired! Sunday I'm supposed to go out with a friend, her boyfriend and his friend but she says it's NOT a date. That's fine with me as long as we can watch the Sunday football games.

As for hobbies, well, lately I've been spending time researching divorce law and putting together the numbers that show who's been paying for the household costs (and it's not dear WH). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> LOL. I can't wait to get back to buying and selling antiques!

((((((((((((((Haywire))))))))))))))

So very wonderful for you to check in with us. It sounds like things are going well, under the circumstances. We've missed you around here! Well, you know what I mean <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It's nice to hear DD is doing ok, as well. Drop in from time to time and let us "lifer's) know what's going on in your "new" world.

Best wishes
SD

((((((((SD))))))))

You "lifers" are lifesavers for so many of us! I don't know how I would have gone through the discovery without you all. I was so devastated and lost. Still it hurts. Without the guidance here I probably would have caved in and closed my eyes to the A.

I know my situation is different than most because my marriage can't be saved. But I will keep coming back and maybe sometime I can give back a little and help someone else.

Hay wire:

Thanks so much for responding! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My Goodness, you sure have moved very far, very fast. (in many areas of your life)

Even if its not turning out in MBers fashion....I for one am soooo thankful you DID NOT just turn a Blind Eye to your H's A. (no one deserves to be treated this way).

Great move in "seeing through" all the lies your WH wanted to throw your way.
That's one of the Biggest Hurdles to overcome as a BS. (Because Deep inside we so Desperately WANT to believe them).

Honestly, I know this is ALL still very painful...but it's Encouraging to read that you do feel as if a mighty weight has been lifted off of you.
Your spirits do seem to have grown and your emotions stabilized.....so I'm happy for any and all progress your making for YOURSELF.

Its almost as if this terrible time in your life has somehow STRENGTHENED YOU, instead of destroying your life.
YOU (at least on the outside) seem Empowered....not defeated.

Believe me that is such a switch, as compared to what usually happens.
(Or even when someone does get it together, it usually takes a long, long time).
It says a lot about you....that you've done so well....in such a short time frame.

And as far as your investigational skills.....YOU GO GIRL!!
(If you are looking for a change of careers.....I'm sure this site could provide you with plenty of referrals) from all the poor folks who check in wanting HELP "not knowing" if their spouse is/isn't cheating.
Your sooooo good, you'll be $Rich$ in NO Time!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (joking) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

But seriously, please do keep us up to date on the D (sounds like it could be nasty) as well as your attempts to separate your Daughters career from her fathers. Sounds like THAT could be complicated as well.

I know it's not all peaches and cream (not by a long shot).....but its good to read that your not as desperate as you were when you first came by.
(And WE STILL don't trust your H), concerning even your safety.
However, if he's going as far as too "live" with this OW.....then that makes me think he may just be ready to move on and won't do anything "rash" to you.....just to Cover his own reputation & azz.

Your a strong woman & you've proven it (at least to me) with the decisive moves you've taken since your discovery. I wish all the BW's could be as Strong as you've been. It would make it a lot easier on them in the Long Run.

You've done a fantastic job in saving YOU ....and I told you way back that this is the main goal in all this Mess (even if the M doesn't make it).
Indeed, You've taken that and Run with it.
SO TWO "Thumbs up" (way UP) for Haywire on that front.

In addition, any thing you could do to help out someone else (by giving your advice or perspective) would be awesome.
Your doing WELL (all things considerd)....so keep it up.
We won't forget about you....so don't forget about us.
take care

top rope,
I don't know how I missed your last post here! I check in every now and then and somehow didn't see your last message to me. Thanks so much.

I thought I was doing pretty well, feeling strong and relieved. But now WH seems to be turning around and I need help holding onto my boundaries.

I guess it's the holidays or the impending D...he seems to be coming out of the fog and wants to come back to me. It seems to have happened in just the past week.

We went for about 3 weeks without contact, during which he went on a road trip with a mutual friend who probably tried to talk some sense into him. Then he spent Thanksgiving alone (or so he says) while DD and I had some friends visit for the holiday. The day after Thanksgiving he and I had our first sensible talk since this whole thing started. I didn't push R talk. I made it clear that I'm serious about the D. He said he doesn't think we're over, that I'm his oldest friend, that he loves me.

I know, it's probably just that he doesn't want to deal with the financial aspects of the D. He's a cake eater extraordinaire.

When I first spoke with my lawyer he asked if there was any chance that I wouldn't go through with the D. I told him only a miracle could change it, and I still feel that way. It WOULD be a miracle for WH to undergo the changes needed. Should I encourage him to try? Ask him to read SAA? If he wants to adopt the MB principles should I give it a chance? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Well, geez HW, I guess there is always a chance.

What he is probably trying to do is get back to the status quo, he liked the situation as it was for YEARS, his friend and partner at home, and his honey he shared his work and passion with.
So now he only has one side of it, and he is missing the other.

Yeah, you could give him the laundry list of what he could do, but I would also include with that there is no promise even if he did all these things you would take him back, but that he would be a better person afterward...

Number one on the list, cut the OW COMPLETELY out of his life...no phone/visits/working R. Get the money back from her. He will balk at this, and you will know his answer...or if he answers too easily, then he is probably planning to hide her well...

Yep, I'm not very trusting, but he sounds like he has TRULY thought he could get away with this forever and feels no remorse...

I am so sorry you are having to go through this, but I must say I admire you for getting on with your life and recognizing the destruction your WH was creating for so many years.

StillhHere,
Yep, you echoed my thoughts. OK, I'll admit that I was hopeful for awhile (wouldn't it be nice to have back the man I thought I married, loved...) but I see what you're saying. He's taken no ACTIONS to back up his manipulative words. He's just hoping to return to the cake eating life he enjoyed for years.

Now that I've tasted life as I should/could have been living it, I'm not going to backtrack without a serious commitment; and that's not in his repertoire. When I wrote the above message it was shortly after a supposedly heartfelt talk with him. But now, a few days later, there has been nothing but a few phone calls from him with superficial reasons for calling. And tonight I assume he's back together with Ms. OW.

I was with him since the age of 19! Never really experienced mature adult life or mature relationships and it's about time. I can't keep myself from wishing it had worked with him but I need to realize that it DIDN'T. Time to stick to my guns and move on. Thanks for the back up!

I told him only a miracle could change it, and I still feel that way. It WOULD be a miracle for WH to undergo the changes needed. Should I encourage him to try? Ask him to read SAA? If he wants to adopt the MB principles should I give it a chance?

Haywire,

Only you can know the answer to this question. In that the A went on for so long, I would suggest you make no hasty decisions. If WH is coming out of the fog, it will give him some time for some serious introspection, as to how he's chosen to spend his "love" for the last several years.

You will always be parents together, whether you live together, or are married, or not. The times ahead may allow for some healing for both of you, and I sense that you still have some feelings for your WH that may not be easily let go. The holidays may be more difficult for your WH than for you, because HIS actions are what brought your marriage to this point. I would guess he's probably feeling a healthy dose of guilt, and perhaps even remorse at this time, however, his words mean little, without being accompanied by actions at this point.

Take your time, and think everything through to your hearts content. You will know if there's any reason to depart from your current path. From your very first post it was obvious you had the strength to survive this A, with our without your WH. I am certain your independence has put WH in a place to rethink his position. Time will show his colors. Be patient, listen to your heart, trust what your heart is telling you.

Best wishes,
SD

I told him only a miracle could change it, and I still feel that way. It WOULD be a miracle for WH to undergo the changes needed. Should I encourage him to try? Ask him to read SAA? If he wants to adopt the MB principles should I give it a chance?

Haywire,

Only you can know the answer to this question. In that the A went on for so long, I would suggest you make no hasty decisions. If WH is coming out of the fog, it will give him some time for some serious introspection, as to how he's chosen to spend his "love" for the last several years.

You will always be parents together, whether you live together, or are married, or not. The times ahead may allow for some healing for both of you, and I sense that you still have some feelings for your WH that may not be easily let go. The holidays may be more difficult for your WH than for you, because HIS actions are what brought your marriage to this point. I would guess he's probably feeling a healthy dose of guilt, and perhaps even remorse at this time, however, his words mean little, without being accompanied by actions at this point.

Take your time, and think everything through to your hearts content. You will know if there's any reason to depart from your current path. From your very first post it was obvious you had the strength to survive this A, with our without your WH. I am certain your independence has put WH in a place to rethink his position. Time will show his colors. Be patient, listen to your heart, trust what your heart is telling you.

Best wishes,
SD

Thanks SD.

Guess I'm still riding the roller coaster. I feel silly now for having thought for a minute that he meant the things he said.

It's frustrating to not be beyond that yet, but it hasn't really been that long since discovery. It's going to get even more rocky as the divorce progresses. It was obvious during that conversation a week ago that he still doesn't think I'm serious about divorce. It's probably a safe bet that the more real the D becomes to him, the more manipulative he'll try to be.

<small>[ December 04, 2004, 12:21 PM: Message edited by: haywire ]</small>

Sorry, I'm in a venting mode and this is a safe place.

Oh, WH and I had a lovely afternoon together. He told me how it's not over between us. As testiment to that, I guess, he told me that he's been dragging his feet with his attorney. Well, he let it be known that I may need to pay alimony to him.

I am far from rich. WH and I worked together in our own business until his criticism and the need for health insurance for our family prompted me to find a "real" job. I then worked with my dad in his business until he retired due to alzheimer's. I continued in the field and landed a decent job with the government. WH told me tonight that I may end up paying alimony.

He knows that our household bills, which I have covered for many years, eat up everything I make.

My only response was, I wonder what "your" friends will think of that. It was shortly after he'd told me that his friends thought we weren't done with our marriage. These are men that I'm friends with too, but I know that they think cheating is OK unless it threatens the marriage.