Thanks again for all of your posts...I am reading them all and thinking about everything that has been written.

I will be gone all day today, but back late tomorrow. I'll look forward to hearing from you all again.

I'm glad I came to this forum.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No one can do it better than I can because I KNOW I'll get the job done...trusting someone else to do it is too risky. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That gets pretty damn tiring doesn't it?!?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Okay....let me put a different spin on this for you.... during our marital breakdown... and the primary reason my H found himself in an A...was because of my "controlling" nature...I completely took away ANY value he offered, as a MAN, this depleted his feelings of love for me pretty badly. He had no PLACE. He no longer bothered to voice anything...opinions....his own wants...his own needs...his own desires... what would be the reason ? It fell on deaf ears....he was wrong either way...why even bother ?

When your H....has an A....because you've taken away his value as a husband, a man, a PERSON, is pretty much a HUGE WAKE CALL . That's a pretty hard slap in the face. By NO means am I saying I deserved him having the A (affair)...but I can look back now and see why I made him miserable. Hell....I'd be pretty miserable too.

This was NOT an easy task to overcome...MONEY issues...well... since my first H was an addicted Gambler, and physically abusive, I put up a few protective walls. (a few <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )You're talking to someone who had to UNWRAP, and return her son's VERY first christmas presents to get BAIL money together, because her H wrote bad checks all over town to cover bookie debts...and got himself locked up for petty AND grand larceny about 5 days before Christmas.


I've been a bit tramatized....that story goes on for 5 more years...but I won't get into it all. It's damaging.

BUT the point is in all this...is my NOW husband...is or WAS paying the price of his predecessor.

My values are still very much in place, but MONEY...let's see...we both make a pretty decent living...and neither one of us is "co-dependant" on the other financially. (As you can read above, it's a fair assumption that I'll NEVER rely on anyone financially again.) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

So my H spends money... money I wouldn't spend... why shouldn't he ? He works for it. He works just as hard as I do...and it's only money. Can't take it with you, and it adds NO VALUE to you as a person. (don't think I've overcome this..because I haven't..... we currently are struggling with purchasing a home. Paperwork is all in order, pre-approvals already done, here I am still renting.... see my fears jumping out all over the place ?) He wants to buy a house...what's stopping us ? Oh yeah..that would be ME. See... I have my own struggles too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We are not a team - but I'm smarter than he is and he'll never pull something like this again </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">THIS...is the breakdown of your Marriage. Your FIRST goal is to become a team. It's both of you against the world. You are NOT smarter.... that's a misconception us control freaks trap ourselves into. And what would you rather be, RIGHT...or HAPPY ?

Took me a few scrapes on the knees...but I choose happy.

And I am. Just because my H, approaches things differently than I do, doesn't make me smarter. We're not talking IQ, street smarts, common sense. We're talking about 2 people, united by marriage...in it together. How happy is the union going to be if one is always right, smarter, more in control, and the other is miserable, feels inadequate, and towed around like a pupply on a leash ?

This stuff doesn't happen overnight..it happens over a period of time. Your H has now developed what I'd like to call ... the resentment bank. And it's FULL. And his reactions now are not the same as you first married are they ?

He's drawn himself into the fight or flight mode, waiting for the next round.

What I'm learning ...particularly through the wealth of information from folks on these boards...is that there is a profound difference between being MARRIED...and being HAPPILY MARRIED.

I choose happily married. My husband and I are a team, and we're either going to fail together, or we're going to succeed together.

It is NOT too late. You start with small steps...and you being with honesty..and humility..and you open the door for your husband. You may just be surprised.

You tell him what your goal is.... and you start reading here about meeting emotional needs, building up each other's love bank...and I promise...in 3 - 4 months...you're outlook will completely change. It's a leap of faith...but what do you have to lose ?

Incidently, this is why your relationships fail, because it's the one area in your life you CAN NOT CONTROL. You can only control YOU, and the effort and time you put into trying to control a MARRIAGE that takes TWO people...is exhausting you.

I do hope you continue to post..and maybe..JUST maybe...we can turn your failures...into a HUGE success...and you can be an overachieving WIFE !!!


Hang in there !!

Ooops...almost forgot...
(((((((((LINY)))))))))))) thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

DHDW,

Just a quick question and a thought:

Have you shown your husband the beautiful, expensive necklace you received?

You say you have trouble connecting with your husband. Perhaps you are getting all the emotional connection you need from the OM, and your H is no longer needed to fill that requirement (in fact, it's safer this way because he can't hurt you if you aren't connected).

Please consider breaking this business connection with OM and concentrating on your H and your marriage.

~ Snow

Something to get you thinking as well…….
You know there was something you said in your posts, a line of thought really, which struck me right away. It’s a pattern that I’m seeing here.
You haven’t actually said it I think but it seems to me you have created s VERY resentful husband.
Did that happen in the other 3 marriages?
Just look at the money issue as an example. Ok he had hid a sum of money - and who of here will put a hand up to say they haven’t? - not for any ulterior motive but a surprise for US something for the house etc - I wonder if you ever asked?
Then you busted him & took ‘CONTROL’ went & spent it on a lounge, no consultation AGAIN. Perhaps???

I feel this is a major chink in your M that you go off and ‘decide’ what is going to happen and your H can come along or not as he pleases. Maybe that has been part of the pattern too do you think?

I can only speak from my own experience where my close friendship led to an affair.
We stepped over a line and that necklace is probably yours. Why? Because now you know consciously that you are having an emotional affair with the OM, your business partner.

I too always said I would NEVER actually cheat on my husband and I had such contempt for those who did. How the mighty have fallen !! I can’ believe I was such a prig back then, much less lacking some compassion. But I guess youth will do that for you, you always think you know the answer.

Hand the necklace back and firmly but nicely say its beautiful but inappropriate to receive such a gift from a friend. Talk to your H and say you feel its not right and you wish to give it back with thanks but no thanks.

Please talk to your H and explain the doubts you have about M, probably in general, and that you need his support in attending MC for both of you .

Round of applause to those that spoke after me, very well put!!

What is amazing to me is that I am still learning so much. The letting go of the control part is a relatively new phenomena for me. Especially since he really went off the deep end for awhile so I felt I had to be in control or my life would be over. I have learned alot about myself in these times and I have also seen alot that I do not like at all. If I don't like me than how can I expect someone else to?!

OK, I don't want to give you brain overload when you get back, but aussiesw said something SSSSOOOOOOOO very important:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why? Because now you know consciously that you are having an emotional affair with the OM, your business partner.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There was a big debate on the board awhile ago. EA vs PA, EA: when did you know, etc.

"Most" of the time, in any A, IMHO, especially an EA (guess I'm biased!) one doesn't know consciously what's "going on." I had asked a poll also: How many people outside of MB would know what an "EA" is? I personally had no clue--until it was put down on "paper" and I read it.

You have the knowledge now, D. You can't use that as an excuse now.

What you did with this knowledge is up to you.

Best Wishes--we'll be here to help you along, if need be.

LINY

[edited to fix the italics only]

<small>[ November 07, 2004, 10:34 AM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

DHDW, you will not get permission here to have an affair.

Work on your marriage or end it. Behave decently please for your own sake and the sakes of you H and the OM.

All blessings.