Here's the latest, what does it mean?

Believer -
I'm at another crossroad, but it's time to confront what is going on and how we feel. I don't know how your really feel because we don't talk and I know that is my fault. You tell me that it is best that I write you, because we don't seem to say anything of much importance or get anything resolved when we talk. I guess that's the truth.
You tell me everything is good with you, what does that mean? I know you have moved on with your life. I think it is time I move on with mine too. I know I am the one who has caused all this pain, I am truly sorry. There were many times I just wanted things to be the way they used to be between us, but once I left, it was really the beginning of the end. You really do deserve much better than this or me, please forgive me.
I'm not going to lie to you, and say I don't still care about OW. We did go our own way and left the door open for me to give you back the respect you deserve, by being honest.
I'm going to start looking for work on Monday, I'm starting to run out of money. If I can help financially in some way, I will. You've put a lot of resources yourself keeping the roof up, making repairs to our home.
I deserve whatever happens to me, it would be consequences for my actions. I am just so very sorry for hurting you. I do care about you.

Sounds like he is feeling sorry for himself and hoping to guilt you into also feeling sorry for him. that is at least my take on this.

One thing I noticed is that he referred to the house YOU have been living in without him....for whatever amount of time now....as OUR home.

Funny how he can say that about the home he has abandoned. Just because his name might be on the mortgage doesn't really make it HIS home too.

He wants to know what you mean by saying that everything is good for you?

He's looking for a way to put his foot back in the door. To keep it open just a crack.....for his own purposes. He's wondering if by saying that you mean that everything is okay because there is possibly someone else.

I really didn't get....in this letter....that he's looking to come back.....more that he is looking for assurance from you because he feels so crappy about himself right now. So...he's looking for someone to either stroke his ego or tell him everything will work out.

Funny how they turn to the BS about that too.

Another funny thing is that he said he guessed it was time for him to move on with his life too.....like he hadn't already done that?

I think he's reaching here.....again.....a foot in the door.

I think he's pretty sincere about wanting you to forgive him.....at the same time wanting you coddle him and tell him it's all right.

JMHO

<small>[ November 05, 2004, 07:49 PM: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</small>

The other thing that is strange is that he has gone through over $100,000. in marital funds. Out of that, he gave me $1500. in the last two years. Now that he has no money left, he is asking if I need financial help. Yuck, I'm so tired of all of this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> The other thing that is strange is that he has gone through over $100,000. in marital funds. Out of that, he gave me $1500. in the last two years. Now that he has no money left, he is asking if I need financial help. Yuck, I'm so tired of all of this. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, then why do you let him MAKE YOU FEEL this way? You control this, not him ! Does part of you miss the drama with him? Just curious.

lemonman -

Nope, don't miss the drama. I was hoping to save the marriage a long time ago. Now I don't want WH back. That is why when he called last week for a meeting, I told him to put everything in writing.

I have been going through this for over 22 months. Tried agreeing on a settlement, going to mediation, and on and on.

Sorry, it's all over except for the paperwork.

Okay, then if all this is true...why do you care about what he wrote in a letter ? And why did you ask him to write it down ?

I'm confused. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Betrayed - Who knows why I asked him to write a letter? Guess I am trying for closure. I'm completely done with WH. Don't want him back, don't care about him. I do hope that he has a nice life, but that is all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> The other thing that is strange is that he has gone through over $100,000. in marital funds.. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OUCH!!!!! Believer, my take on this was the same as above- he's feeling sorry for himself- and looking for YOU to make him feel better.

Ughhhhhhh

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sounds like he is feeling sorry for himself and hoping to guilt you into also feeling sorry for him. that is at least my take on this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with the Lemonhead, er, lemonman (see, told you I liked your posts! and see, told you your name reminded me of those irresistable little sour/sweet candies - NO FAT candies, I might add!).

AND, I also believe that "closure" is a myth. I kept searching for that with FOW, also known as FBF, and it just ain't there. The closure you seek, believer, is INSIDE of YOURSELF. Don't look for it outside. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

BUT, I KNOW you KNOW that already. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

HUGS!!!

I'm sensing regret from you. You care more than you're letting on. Talk about it...don't dismiss it.

Closure....is only needed when you have UNFINISHED BUSINESS.

Dig...it's in there.

Come on...you can do it.

There is something you're keeping tightly held in.

AHA !!
I KNOW WHAT IT IS !!!

You are PISSED OFF !!

You are angry.

He waited TOO long to get his act together.

And now that he finally pulls his head out his butt...it's too late....you got tired of waiting.

LET THIS OUT !

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by betrayedinjersey:
<strong> AHA !!
I KNOW WHAT IT IS !!!

You are PISSED OFF !!

You are angry.

He waited TOO long to get his act together.

And now that he finally pulls his head out his butt...it's too late....you got tired of waiting.

LET THIS OUT ! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree Believer- it's ok to throw things and SCREAM!!! We can take it...c'mon let us have it!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You are PISSED OFF !! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh wow. I don't sense this at all. Are my Spidey Senses going out on me? Have I hit a "dead" spot (or DRY spot???), am I out of range, are we experiencing interference???

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW???

<small>[ November 05, 2004, 09:50 PM: Message edited by: Spider Slayer ]</small>

Hugs, hon. And so it goes...

I'm not going to repeat everything that has already been said--I agree.

I'm gonna take what MissP said one step further:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...our home.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First, it's not "our." Where has he been?
Second, if anything, he should have referred to it as "house", not "home." A house can be anything, anyplace people reside in. A tent, perhaps? Maybe even cardboard. A mansion? A home...ah, comforting. A place where one can reside and "LIVE!" Not only wasn't he there living, in the physiological, literal sense, he hasn't been there for 22 months.

A self-preserving, "forgive me" from the WH.

Well I almost hate to say this with Liny and Lemonman on the thread but men are stupid, STUPID, STUPED, STUPED!

That's it, all I got.

That is a typical WS letter...my WH could have written that one.

But what are you doing about that? Have you proceed with D? I am still stuck. I posted this question hoping to get an answer.

I see that the ball is now in your court believer...you need to do what you feel is right. He has ended his relationship with OW so you can work with him or end it with him. If you are waiting for WH to make the effort without communication from you then i dont think that will work.

I think we have to be the one with strength here to pull our WS out from the mud and head them along the right direction. Some WS are like this. I believe yours and mine are almost the same. The other question is...do we WANT to...is there still enough strength in us to do that?

The strength and the will to save this marriage comes from you...us the betrayed spouses. Me included. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> We are also given the right to end things if we want to. So what do YOU want to do? If you keep waiting then it will only prolong the pain of waiting...if you dont want to D WH then maybe you should move to another path of trying to work with WH...especially since he said he has end with OW.

Take care believer.

Hi, Believer.

From the first time he consummated the act of adultery, your choice to divorce was cast. That is completely your decision. Let no one slight you regardless of which way you choose. You may choose at any time.

He dumped you and now his bad choice has come back to haunt him. That is indeed sad. I am very glad that God is capable of forgiveness, otherwise I would be long dead. As he faces what he has done, he can work out his forgiveness. There is nothing you can do to help. That is a personal thing.

When someone realizes they are drowning, it is human nature to grab hold of anything in sight to try and stay afloat. Ask any life guard what the first rule of lifesaving is. You can't let him grab you. He has to work this out.

If he is really feeling amenable toward you, ask him to pay back half of the 100k he spent. It is the right thing for him to do, and at some point in time, you are going to wish you had demanded it. Get it in writing. That is not taking advantage of his state. That is being wise. There is a difference.

I think the letter is sincere. He is feeling lost and reaching out for anything solid. You, even in the midst of his antics, have been the most solid, stable person he has ever known. It is natural that he be drawn to you again. Even so, you can't help him right now.

I appreciate how you always make lost souls feel so welcome here, Believer. You have a real gift for supporting people at their worst. I know you are going to be okay.

All the best,
Gimble

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well I almost hate to say this with Liny and Lemonman on the thread but men are stupid, STUPID, STUPED, STUPED!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We are too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Theres a classic mail exchange that my Dad used to tell us about as kids. It starts with a telegram from a prodigal son :

"Dear Dad
No Money, no funny
Your Sonny"

The response was:

"So Sad
Too bad
Your Dad"

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


Your H chose a hedonistic life without you.
At any time during that life he could have stopped it and retunred to you and yuou would have tried to forgive him and rebuild.

Instead the end of his hedonsitic lifestyle has made him look at alternatives. YOU are what he would like to have right now: lovely , non judgmental, reliable applying salve to his wounds.

I have no doubts he would return to you now if you asked him back but I suspect this would be because his CHOSEN life has crashed and burned.

Your response depends entirely onwhethe you ar eprepared to work on becoming his first choice once more knowing you are not at all to begin with.

Its all about what you see whan you look in the mirror B. For some folks, giving up on their M instantly causes no regret. Others spend their lives pining for a prodigal spouse.

Do not rebuild out of duty - your duty of care was removed the day he first slept with that OW.

But do not abandon out of spite either.

Me ? I'd tell him " so sad, too bad, your dad" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

{{{b}}}