I feel I need to let off some steam about my mother-in-law. She is visiting from her home abroad at the moment and I feel expressing my views here will help me keep my mouth shut til she goes home tomorrow!

Her faults are best presented in a list, chronologically:

1. She is pleasant to my face but b!tches about me behind my back. When H told her we were getting married she hid her thought from H but said to BIL: "He had better be f'ing joking". She used to go round town telling everyone that it was my fault H did not get top marks in all his exams. She has NEVER said a single nice thing to me.

2. She refuses point-blank to talk to my Dad. He always makes an effort to be nice to her only to totally ignored as if her were invisible! Even at our wedding she never uttered a single word to him! My dad is an amazing, hard-working, caring, honest bloke who has been like a father to her sons since she moved abroad, and she cannot show him the slightest bit of respect!

3. She moved away when my H was 18, BIL was 16 and the youngest (who she took with her) was 12. She has no concept of the responsibility of parenthood and cites her own wants above the needs of her children! She also left her ill mother, who H and I lived with for nearly a year and cared for her, while she was swanning about in Spain! The youngest son's education has been totally ruined due to having to go to a Spanish speaking school because she didnt want to pay to send him to the English school!

4. When she came back for our wedding, she told us she would give us enough money for a deposit for a house as our wedding present. She promised to transfer the money on the 22 July. We are still waiting for this money, with mutterings that she is waiting to see if the exchange rate will go down. In the meantime, she has bought herself a breast enlargement (i wish she had had a personality transplant), a £900 laptop PC in addition to the expensive PC she already has, new mobile phones for herself and the youngest, a new car and spends most nights drinking in the bars and eating out.

Obviously, she is free to spend her money as she wishes. What I dislike is people who do not keep to their word, and it seems crass that she is flashing her money about while H and I live in 2 rooms and can barely afford our rent, after her promise! It seems she decided not to give it to us and indulge herself instead, whilst continuing to fob us off.

5. She is a total snob. She used to discourage her sons from associating with kids who lived on council estates, and looks down her nose at my family because we have a local accent and my dad is a fisherman.

6. This is perhaps the worst thing.
She has been involved in a PA with a married man where she lives for about 18 months. She is divorced herself, my FIL had an affair at one point. Her family has been broken up and her family permanently scarred and she sees no problem in being an accessory to breaking up another family! People may say "it takes two...", but it only takes one to say no! She has no conscience! She sees it all as a big joke and has made absolutely no effort to stop seeing this man.

That really makes me sick when my past pains are so fresh in my mind.

7. She forbade her kids from seeing their dad for 6 years after they divorced and constantly put him down in front of them, and never attempted to explain anything to her kids, so that they were seriously confused and upset. FIL did not come to our wedding because he didnt want to see her and she spent most of the day b!tching about him! Fact is, she totally bled him dry financially after they divorced and he has to work 90 hours a week just to keep a roof over his head and feed himself!

8. She has my H wrapped around her little finger. He never sees any bad in her, and brushes it off when she has upset me. She is very clever at not letting my H see what she is like towards me and my family. He will never stand up to or challenge her in any way, she would probably go completely psycho on him.

9. She only talks about herself and how busy and stressed she is. She has an air of superiority about her and feels she should be worshipped for bringing up three kids and working.

10. She has a loud, irritating laugh and is deafeningly shrill.

In conclusion, she is a nasty old cow! Wow, that felt good. Thanks for listening. Feel free to unburden your own closeted hatred for your mother-in-law!

Otherwise, I am doing great! H and I are very happy at present and everything is going according to plan.

Lots of love to you all!

Wow, I bet you feel better now!

Incidentally, I'm impressed to see you on MB. If I knew at 20 what I know now, just maybe I'd be in a different place. Good luck. TT

ks....
I'm glad you got that all out. Don't mention ANY of this to your H...bad BAD move.

I have absolutely NO problems with my MIL. She ceases to believe I exist <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

KS,

I respectfully submit that your problem is not with your MIL, but with your husband.

Did you not know what she was like before you married? Did you not see how your husband adored his mother, despite all of the things she does?

You can't change this. Only your husband can. And it doesn't seem likely that he will any time soon.

You also seem miffed at MIL not coming along with the money so the two of you could get out of your rented dregs. Was getting a home part of the bargain that convinced you to marry this man?

~ Snow

-- edited to remove last graf, unneccessary

<small>[ November 06, 2004, 08:34 AM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

The promise of the money did not come until the day of the wedding, and I have never expected she would give us anything. In fact, I would prefer her not to give it to us because I know she would remind us of it until the day she dies, and she would expect to stay with us when she visits.

I would be prouder if we earnt our first house through our own hard work, just as we did with out wedding.

I know it seems selfish of me to complain, but my main gripe is not with the money but the fact that she does not keep to her word. She is unreliable and untrustworthy.

I have always known what she was like, but she continues to amaze me with her poor character. Luckily, she lives abroad and visits rarely so she is not normally a big problem.

I dont really blame H for seeing her through rose-tinted glasses as he loves him mum a lot, and doesnt see her a lot. It is his faithful loyalty which is one of the many reasons I love him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well on the MIL route... recently we had some deep, meaningful conversations. H thought maybe I was at the root of his deep depression that he is recently out of with the addition of a second AD, questioned our M and whether it was all right for him, for us. Big grrr after all that we have worked through and (deep breathe)...

I insisted he look deeper to the source of his unhappiness, as I know there is alot of mess he never dealt with. That very night (I am so proud of him for this!) he called a sister and confirmed he had been sexually abused by his mother as a child. His father also sexually abused his sisters & apparently there was incest porn in the house from H earliest memories. Talking about MIL and FIL issues?! His mom recently moved back here with her 18 yr younger H and her miserable self. Untreated bipolar, passive-agressive as hell, loads of fun. Can we say opening up old wounds? We actuallya re returning to C after stopping when the A recovery had been goign so well. I am somewhat excited though, I know that these things eat at you. I, too, was molested as a child (have had NC with him in years) and have a mom who thinks the earth revolves around her and quite frankly I hate my mom most days. Yep, we still have work to do! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Your MIL sounds like a gem. I too had one of those. When she passed away last July, there were many who shed not a tear. Her "special" favourite child (and her family) sadly were pretty much the only ones upset. Mother played favorites (one out of four), and was garish in how obvious she was. (one daughter gave her a Christmas gift (necklace)..."I can't use this"...and immediately handed it over to "special one"...who kept it). Special one got 5x more of the estate. Estate wasn't large, it wasn't the money. But, in death, as in life, she showed who she liked and who she didn't. And,the siblings are all upset with the special one now. MIL left that child to continue on her legacy of differentiation.

My H tried and tried for years. Her treatment of me was abusive ... "if you marry HER, don't bother coming home for Christmas" (said in front of me by the way...AND, I'd never done anything rude to her, just kept trying and trying, till I gave up...and then I remained civil).

But, AND THIS IS IMPORTANT....it is up to your H to defend you to his mother. You have to take a back seat, recognize her personality for what it is (pray that she changes if you wish...but don't get emotionally involved). And, if your H doesn't stand up for you here, there are more troubles down the road. Take it from one who knows.

I caught a "moment only" of Dr. Phil the other day, and the couple there had MIL problems. The Good Doc told the H that it was up to him to work on his mother for resolution, NOT his wife.

Just to let you know, I totally understand. And, I have a few personal close friends who would also understand.

My prayer for tonight...."Lord, don't let me be an awful MIL to my kid's spouses".

<small>[ November 06, 2004, 04:14 PM: Message edited by: JanetS ]</small>

Double post!

<small>[ November 06, 2004, 08:37 PM: Message edited by: ks2001 ]</small>

If I ever end up a nightmare MIL, shoot me!

I do try and take a back seat, this is why I vent here rather than to my H or to MIL herself!

Also my mum understands, so I can vent to her as well.

Goodnight everyone!

Wow. Lucky you to have such a MIL....not!

Deal with her as little as possible and don't count on anything from her but your fingers and toes.

I was very lucky with the MIL I got. I loved her a lot for the 5 years I knew her. She died 10 years ago and I miss her often.

I hope things settle down and you can put your MIL out of your mind most of the time soon!

<small>[ November 06, 2004, 08:44 PM: Message edited by: picklesaresour ]</small>

Hey there ks,

Wondered where you had gotten too!

Glad to see you make your return.

I too have the MIL from heck. (The only good news is that my W dislikes her EVEN More than I do).

Well, that's NOT really good news cause that's the MAIN Reason why my W is soooo screwed up (and helped lead to the A) but ALLLLLLL that is for another thread.

I'll end with I'm encouraged that your Issues with her are Not negatively effecting you and your H.

Take special care with this though.....cause it sure could in the future (as it begins to Wear on you ) as the years of M go by.
Things that don't bother you now (like your H's reaction to His mother's actions) CAN (and usually do) begin to get too you as time goes by.

However, as you ARE aware of this.....perhaps you'll find the solution to NOT have it negatively impact your M.

In any case, Welcome back!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Hi toprope!
Its good to see you are still here.

Since I have posted the rant, I have found it relatively difficult to hate MIL! I think ranting about her has got it out of my system for the time being.

A terrible MIL is an all too common occurance, and it is something that should be accepted as a fact of life.

Everything is rosy at the moment! I am concerned about heroswife though.

Lots of love!

My 'natural' MIL abandoned my W when she was 2 years old. She was a promiscuous hippy lush.

my REAL MIL is Squids Gran who took on the abandoned kids and raised them as her own, setting UK legal precedent for being granted legal guardianship while both parents were living and sane.

She is a ferocious Madrasi catholic woman of huge faith, capability and cooking wizardry! Had my own mother been delinquent, MIL would have been my second mother.

Always adored me and me her.

She's dying right now ( sad not tragic as shes 85 and a woman of great faith) but shes still funny, engaging and loving right to the end.

I'm SO glad I never exposed Squids affair to her - it would have been a terrible thing for her last thoughts of her wonderful Granddaughter to be disappointment.

Yeah, shes a bit of a snob , and can behave somehwat 'queenly' but shes a diamond.

So y'see SOME MILs are stars ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />