I've been thinking alot about WW lately. It's been a year and 4 months since she left. I have friends and I go out and do things, but I still think of her often. My 2 daughters live with me and I thought they would be all I needed to feel whole, but I don't. There is a huge emptiness I feel so often.

Last night I went clubbing with a friend. I saw all these people with "partners" to dance with. As I drove home, I kept thinking about not having a partner in my life. Even when we were together, we didn't do a whole lot together, but I always felt my W was there for me and I always felt rushed to get home to her. I don't feel there is anyone waiting for me anymore and its a crappy feeling...

My emotions are all screwed up also. I tear up alot during movies or just driving home and hear a song that reminds me of "us". I try not to think of her and the more I try not to, it seems the more I do. I try to act all big and all around my friends saying she can go wherever, I don't care, but the truth is I would take her back if she wanted to really come back. Even after all I've been through, I still love her...

I don't know what to do at this point. I haven't talked to her in a while and it is always very brief when I do, and I act like she doesn't matter to me. Some days I just want to call her and tell her how I feel or write her a letter, but I'm afraid it will backfire on me and let her sit on the fence longer. Though she has never given me any hope of ever reconciling, I still have a tiny bit of hope. I pray to God every day to give me some kind of sign to either keep me hopeful, or let me get closure and move on. So far, I haven't gotten any signs to do either.

I know this is long and I probably sound like an idiot, but I really don't tell anyone else how I feel and it just needs to get out. So, if I've bored all of you, I'm sorry. I just had to get this off my chest...

you do not sound like an idiot, you sound like a broken man. I know exactly how you feel. I am so sorry for you. Eventually you will have good days and bad moments instead of good moments and bad days. Your wife is missing out on a nice caring sentimetal guy.

Thanks KMEJ for the uplifting words. I guess the holidays coming up have me a little down. I'm also in class and I'm dealing with a lot of stress right now. Thanks for listening....

I am so sorry for your pain. You touched me this morning with your feelings. I don't think you have bored anyone. You have some real feelings and need to share them. That is what this board is about.

I wish I had some words of advice. But I only have my wishes to you that you feel better soon. How are your daughters handling things? Do they see their mom very much? I will never understand how a mother can leave her children. Or a father either. But since I am a mother, I just can't wrap my brain around it. My SIL did the same thing after 16 yrs. of marriage. Just left her 5 children (2 were grown or almost grown) - the other 3 still quite young. Anyway, they live with their father now too, but see her a lot.

Anyway, I do pray that you can find happiness. I don't know your whole story, but perhaps if you told her you would take her back??? But only you know if that is something you can even do.

Hugs to you today.

ng <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

lwh ...

Everyone has her/his own time to heal and ready to move on. Your feeling is normal. I was helping OMexW ... it tooks 2.5 years before she could feel "indifferent" toward exH.

-rh-

It does get better after time. I've been doing this for 22 months, and don't even think about my WH anymore. We still have to settle the financial things, and that is the only reason I ever feel like talking to him.

And yes, when I go out, it does seem like the whole world is made up of happy couples. It sucks.

But you will find someone too. It is better to just try to enjoy your life and not look too hard. There is someone out there though, someone who will love you and treat you like you deserve to be treated.

lost-without-her,

I haven't posted much in a few days, because I have been feeling down and confused. I've been lurking though, and wanted to respond to your post.

I totally feel your pain, and understand how you feel. My WW has put me through h3ll, and she doesn't even call our children (and she has unlimited long distance calling). Like you, even though my WW has done what she has done, I find myself missing her, and half of me is willing to take her back (if she wanted to).

I too, act tough around family and friends, with regards to my WW. But when I am alone, all I can think about is her and/or the OM. My emotions are screwed up like yours. The ONLY time I have ever cried (since adulthood), was with anything having to do with my WW. Now, I find myself tearing up from hearing certain songs, or watching certain movies. It is something that perplexes me. My mixed up emotions feel alien to me. I wish that I could get over it, and be the Dimmu I used to be.

I hear that healing will come with time. I know that its been over a year for you. Some wounds take longer to heal for some people. I have stopped praying about my situation, for I have read that God doesn't like repetitious words, and that He knows what we need before we open our mouths. So...I take it day by day.

I see couples here and there, during the few times I have managed to get myself out of the house. I cannot imagine being happy with another person at this time, it just seems impossible. But who knows what the future will bring? Maybe our WW's will come around, repent of thier actions, make amends, and work on building a new, better M. Maybe they won't. But if they don't change...if they stay where they are, there is that chance of meeting someone better, who would never cause the pain and agony of an A. The half of me that wants the divorce, thinks about this.

Hang in there man. I'm usually pessimistic, especially because of all of the negative things that have happened in my life. But I am optimistic that one day, things will get better. Try to hang on to that hope, especially when you feel hollow inside.

Dimmu

Well, for both/all of the BH's in here... I hope that you can find some encouragement. I know that situation looks bleak at the moment...but, you have some things now to help.

In whatever relationship comes in the future, whoever it may be with, you now have the tools to build a stronger relationship. You know how to define boundaries and what to expect and watch for. How to attend to your mate.

Lost, it's time to file for the divorice, unless you feel God is still guiding you to wait, of course. I'm curious about your daughter's response to their mothers behavior. I can't imagine it would be too good. Unfortunately, I believe they are learning some absolutely horrid traits because of it.

Hang in there guys.

naivegirl, my daughters don't spend a lot of time with their mom. She does call them and takes them out to eat every once in a while. She is taking them to see their grandparents over the Thanksgiving break. OM will not be going. In fact, D says that he is supposed to be moving out by the 15th of this month. I'll believe that though when it happens... Thanks for the support...

redhat, how have you been? I haven't seen much from you lately. I don't read the board as much as I used to though. Thanks for being here...

believer, you have been an ispiration to me for a long time. I've read alot of your comments on other people's threads and I'm sure they agree with me that they are happy you post here.

Dimmu, hey thanks for the support. I guess what we are feeling is the norm, but it sure sucks don't it? I can't wait for the day when WW never even comes in my head. I feel really dumb sometimes when my emotions go haywire. Just the other day I was watching "Remember the Titans" and it almost had me in tears. I don't know if I should get on meds or if this will just pass on its own. Anyway, just remember you are not alone out there. This board has saved me so many times and I guess that's why I keep coming back here. I know there are those that feel the same and it's good to know someone is listening...

RookKev, I filed for Dissolution several months ago. After the court date, my WW said she wanted to work things out so I pulled the paperwork. That lasted all of about 2 weeks. I have since resubmitted but haven't heard anything back from the courts. I don't know if they will reinstate the original case or if we will have to start all over again... I'm in no great rush, but it would be nice to get closure. I'm hoping God has some other plans for me, but I'm not too sure on that one. Thanks for listening...

LWH...well, as all these replies indicate, you are not alone. My WH had an affair over a year ago and we now have been separated for 6 months. Divorce papers are being signed by my WH tonite and should be sent my way next week much to my discontent. Even after all the crap my WH has pulled, I can see beyond it, focusing on all that once was good between us, all the wonderful memories we have spent. Every little thing can trigger my emotions....a restaurant we frequented, our wedding local, the apartment we shared and I still am living in, photos, songs, bars, airplanes, movies, cards and poems (they really get me). So pretty much anything can get my emotions going and I know the holidays will be rough. I am not sure how WS's are able to just blank out all the sentiment they experienced with us...it is if they have no problem moving on and throwing so much history away without a care. WH tells me I need to let other men see what a great person I am...I told him that I never have been the type to just throw my heart out and I certainly am not ready to do so right now. I need the independence but oh do I long for the intimacy that marriage provided.

All I can say is that confiding in family, friends and staying true to who I have been since day one with WH has helped me. I try my best to occupy dead times when I am most vulnerable. I have written down one good deed/experience I have had each day which always can put a smile on my face. And I am trying to move forward with things I had once planned to do with WH...like buying a house (only it is now going to be with a friend). Keep you chin up...keep smiling. Everyone keeps telling me that there is good in the world for good people like us...if we were not meant to be with our spouses, there is something bigger and better out there for us that will be sitting at our feet soon enough.

Happy Thursday,

-K

Me: 28 yo FW
Him: 30 yo WH
His Affair: 4 months last fall, supposively ended 1/04; new affair starts with unknown timeline.
D-Day: May 22nd, 2004; WH immediately leaves without allowing me to respond or even giving our marriage a chance.
Divorce papers being signed by WH today...being sent my way next week much to my discontent.

lost...
re-read what you just typed, not that you really need to think anymore about everything... but, what you told me...

when I raised the bar, and the end was in sight, ww got scared, and tried to make ammends...but, after the pressure was off, she went back to her old ways.

Now.. it sounds like the pressure might be building again, and you mentioned OM may be moving out of the picture...to me, out of the apartment means out of the picture (at least in theory)....

It would appear maybe you have a great deal left in this story...first of all, the thing I see, your ww must be looking at you and thinking, hmmm... will I ever really find a man that can love me so sacrificially?

Hi LWH,

It's been a long time since I posted to you.I am sorry to hear that you are down.You know,when I was riding in the car today,it dawned on me: I kinda feel like I lost a limb.My "arm"(WH/marriage) was such a part of me,I loved it,I still love it even though it's gone,it's hard functioning without it,I know I will never be the same without it but yet I have to go on,life goes on.I have a scar that shows me that I did indeed have an arm once and that it hurt like he** for it to be taken away but I will survive although not in the best way I would hope.I will always think about it,I will probably always wish to have it back but I know I cannot.It's a loss,a big loss.

Of course this scenario only encompasses a portion of what it is like to lose a WS and a marriage and all the hopes and dreams associated with it.But it's true that you will just never be the same.Some will go on to feel even better about themselves but other's like you and I may never quite feel good or as good as we once did,at least not now.So we go through each day doing our stuff and trying to get by.Wondering if this will be all there is left.

I hope not but I am not convinced yet myself that a world of happiness awaits me.I do have many things to be grateful for: my beautiful daughters,supportive family,my beloved home,favorite dog,and importantly everyones health(except my dad) but I miss so much about the comfort I felt being married to my WH and thinking we would always be there for each other.It's a struggle.I am not even sure myself what will become of me but I know that I am strong,very strong and I have a lot to live for even if it's not with another man.Time will help I think but it will be a lot of it that I need.

It's not over by a longshot for me and perhaps you too.Be sure to tell yourself that you need more time.At least to get to a place that doesn't hurt so much.SOme peopel never get over this kind of a traumatic event,not fully anyway and I think,no,I know I will carry it around with me the rest of my life but how much I let it affect me is my CHOICE.That is my journey now.But I first have to get this darn D over with which is hampering any recovery for me.Maybe that is true for you too.

What is the plan now for you?

O

I too share the same feelings as you do. Although most of the time I can't find the right words to describe them, like you have.

I guess a lot of it is fear, of the unknown. I've been with my W since high school. I know nothing else except her. So it really does feel like half of me is missing. I've been at this a year now, and it hasn't gotten any better. Probably worse actually. I keep longing for days where at least I'll feel ok, but they never come.
I too have not spoken to W in a while, and sometimes I feel the same way, about writing a letter such as you describe. But I know deep down that it won't matter. She's in her own world, and while I know she has not pushed me out of her mind, she keeps me locked up as best she can I'm sure.

kjb23, I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish no one had to. Its rough. I hope you do something tonight to get your mind off the DV papers. Maybe call a friend and go see a movie or go buy yourself something nice. Shopping for myself always makes me feel better. You deserve it! You know, I've talked to my sister more than I have ever talked to her in the last year. She has been a big help in this time. And if it weren't for people on this board, I'd have probably gone crazy. Somedays were unbearable and that's when all of you on these boards have helped me through and I thank you for that. I know one day things will be better, I just wish that day would hurry up and get here....

RookKev, don't give up hope. There were many days when I wanted to give up but I didn't. Though its been this long, I still have a glimmer of hope. And I guess until the DV papers are signed and she marries someone else, I think I'll always have a little hope. I mean, how can you be married to someone for 18 years and just out of the blue call it quits. Either I am very naive, or she will eventually remember some of the good times in those 18 years...

Octobergirl, its good to hear from you again. Are you definately getting a DV? Recovery from this shouldn't be centered around the DV. You have to come to grips with your life, make the improvements in it for "you" and only you. The DV will not bring recovery about, it may bring some sort of closure, but true recovery comes from dealing with the issues, bettering yourself, and moving on. DV should be the last thing that happens after all that. I used to think that it would be all better if I just got the darn DV. But, you know what, I worked on the problems I had. I realized where I went wrong in all this. I worked out the bad stuff in my life and I'm a much better person today because of it. Yes, I still miss my W and I'll probably always miss her to some extent. But, I know I can and will have a better life someday, with or without her. Octobergirl, don't wait for the DV to get yourself better, or recover from this. A new boyfriend will not make things better for you. As Dr Phil says, only you can make you happy! I don't like Dr Phil very much, but I agree with that saying. You go and make yourself happy. Do things that will make you happy. You deserve it!!!

TTSi, I got married a couple of years after high school. I went from my parents house to my own house with my W. My whole adult life has been with her. It is difficult to say the least to go on without her. I have had to be mom and dad for my kids alot in the last year. Its been tough, but I am closer to my girls than I've ever been. And, if nothing else good has come from all this, at least I know I have my kids and they know I will always be there for them. It's kinda crazy, but a day dosn't go by that I don't think about my W. I haven't talked to her in a long time, but everyday I ask God to watch over her. I have been and I am still angry with her for what she has done, but I still want her to be happy. I know some day I will have to let her go. I'm just not ready for that just yet. I hope your W will one day remember why you both got married. I hope she remembers the love you shared and maybe that'll steer her back to you. I hope if our W's do decide to come back, that its not too late and we haven't moved on without them... My prayers go out to you...

lwh,

I am busy pursuing degree in clinical psychology and start looking for MFT-internship. I am very excited looking forward. Yes, one in a long while I feel it would be better if I have someone beside me. However I am not in a hurry and I am not bring in anybody while I am studying, working full time, internship plus volunteering.

Hang in there buddy, have faith. I suggest you to go really dark.

-rh-

You guys definitely aren't alone in your feelings. It's tough and each day is a new adventure in emotions for me. Fortunately I too have relied on family and friends a lot. My kids have also been great so far and their strength seems to help keep me going.

If you are finding it tough to cope I'd suggest you try to get into someone to talk to. Talking has always helped me when I've been really down...

(Or writing on this board for that matter :-) )

Hi again LWH,

I am definitely still on the D path.My WH and I had our first,and only thus far,meeting with our Mediator which was thoroughly depressing.I quietly cried through most if it while my WH was busy taking notes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Now we are at a standstill and are waiting to make the next appointment.We also have to see a Financial advisor for obvious reasons.So,my inability to "move on" as we say is encumbered by the continued contact with my WH and because we have yet to put this all to rest.I have "moved on" in many other ways and some days are better than other's but I still feel like I am in limbo.I just don't want to endure any more planning with this man that is still involved with the homewrecker.I just want to be away from him as much as is humanly possible.

There isn't much else I can improve upon like you mentioned,not to toot my own horn but it's true.I am still a great parent,I am still there 110% for my kids,I still have a super clean and beautiful home that I tend to each day,I still do all the chores and errands I have been doing all along,I still see family and friends when I can,I still read and learn and I try to get enough exercise as much as I can although today,it started snowing! so I will not be walking my dog as much as I would like(her paws get cold).I have stopped taking my AD's and so far,I feel pretty good although maybe once or twice a month now I need to take one because I feel bad but that was a big step for me.

I know a new BF will not make things better for me and I have no trouble being alone and I do have fun on my own.I am very comfortable with that BUT I feel like I have so much to offer someone,I have learned so much that I would like to have some fun one day.I will make sure I take the time to heal first of course and reflect,etc but one day would be nice,we will see.Same for you,you deserve it one day after that chapter closes.

Like you,I have been with my WH since just after HS.I have been giving off *Not Available* vibes and signals for so long now I don't know if I can change that! lol

Well,you will be ok.Stay true to yourself and your beliefs.Remember what "they" say about D,it can take years to recover after one and yet,you are not technically even divorced yet.No wonder you still feel down at times.Take it easy now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

O

To all...

I don't post a lot on GQII anymore because I'm nearly DV. But this post caught my eye.

I can relate totally to what you all are saying. I was with my STBXH since highschool. I've never even seriously dated anyone else. Nearly every memory since I was 15 has him in it in some way, good or bad.

I listen to a Christian radio station that plays a lot of good music, but every now and then they'll have a little blurb about some sort of advice, too. And it seems like almost all of them are about how to help your marriage, or fall more in love with your spouse. And everything is about "couples" in this world. I've never been single until now so never noticed it. It really stinks.

I have sort of shut myself off from popular culture (movies, tv, radio, etc) because it seems like there is always something in them to make me think about my STBXH, or that I'm alone. I'm improving some, but most of my time is spent at home cleaning, playing with my dogs, working, trying to be a mom to my daughter, or typing on here.

I am probably about a week from being DV, and at this moment I have no desire to see anyone else. I can't even fathom what it'd be like to be with someone else. But I also have ZERO desire to be single for the rest of my life. I understand that emptiness that friends and family and children just don't quite fill. I just have this fear that perhaps God wants me to be single for the rest of my life. We shall see.

Lost, I'm not sure what my advice would be to you. I didn't even wait a year before I filed DV. I still have a few mixed feelings but overall I feel it was the right decision at this time. I know the day the papers are signed, I'm not magically going to be over him. But I do hope it gives me some sort of closure--the "limbo" will be over.

Hang in there.

LL

Octobergirl, how are you? So, was it you or your husband that decided to get the DV? If you don't want it, don't do it... Go dark and let them do their thing. Eventually the A will end. They all seem to. It's just a waiting game, who can hold out longer?

I hope you get what you want. I hope if DV is what you want, it will come quickly. If its not, I hope you can wait it out and possibly eventually reconcile... I don't know. I just know I have a teeeeny bit of hope for my future, I don't see why anyone else can't have that same hope as long as they are willing to wait.... Take care and let us know how you are...

In my case, I didn't want it, but she was determined. Then when we went through it all, she decided she didn't want to. When she went back to him, it was me who decided I wanted the DV. But, now, waiting, I'm not sure anymore. I'm not sure about anything anymore...

I know I'm happy some days. I feel free. I don't have to worry about waking her up when I get up in the morning. I don't have to worry about calling her if I'm gonna be late. I do alot of stuff now that I didn't do back then and its kinda nice. But, then there's the bad days. They come and go. But, there still isn't a day that I don't think about her. Maybe she is my addiction.... I don't know...

lordslady, I'm not sure what's in store for me. I guess noone can really know. I hope things go well with you. I will hang in there and hope you do the same....

Miker, I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish no one had to. I did some individual counseling in the beginning. It helped a lot, I don't think I could have made it through that period without someone. But, it has been this board that has help me so much to maintain my sanity. Without you guys, I definately would be in a worse position. I hope you the best. We are here for each other and thats what counts...

<small>[ November 14, 2004, 02:13 AM: Message edited by: lost-without-her ]</small>