[[Strange how she can think it sounds believable. I mean, daydream and miss one exit, traffic causes you to miss the second. Why not turn around and go back? Then because she is familiar with the area she drives another 45 miles passing god only knows how many hotels to stay at one 30 miles from OM. He leaves his house and tells mom he will be gone for 2 days. Lo and behold, my WW was in the area ]]

I think you know the answer to this...it's a ridiculous spin on a ridiculous situation...you know that she lied/is lying...the question is...is she ready to step up and commit to you or is she going to continue to spin her tales and drive you crazy...and how much will you put up with..?...Listen, she will get away with every inch you give her...all it usually takes is a big ole' dose of reality and consequences for actions to make a WS see if what they are losing is worth the fleeting excitement of the A...I really do wish Lemonman wasn't censoring himself in his opinions so much, I have a feeling he could articulate what i'm trying to say much better, but he's trying to be way to PC these days...

Make her accountable MIF..it's the only way we wake up...

I don't mean to sound disrespectful and you've got a right to be angry at her but if you are too upset to control your tongue, then I suggest that you cool off for a while until you get back control of your emotions. It's important that what you say to her is not misconstrued by her as a temper tantrum that will go away eventually. Your delivery on how you state your boundaries to her is extremely important for it will determine how credible you appear in her eyes. Your resoluteness must be absolute.

Well, she admitted to spending the two days with OM at the hotel. Said she didn't know why she called him, but did. Also said she cried most of the two days. Said they didn't have sex, he kissed her on the forehead a few times and she kissed him on the cheek once. They did sleep in the same bed but no cuddling. Not sure how much of that is true, but either way, I don't think I am quit ready to walk away from this M. She said she told him she wanted to save her M and said she had to put him out of her life for good and that she will not be contacting him in any manner and he said he respected her wishes and would contact her either. He also told her that he didn't think I could make her happy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Toomuchcoffeeman,
Well, I did set my boundries. We started off in an argumentative manner, but it calmed down quickly and we were able to talk. I set my boundries and don't think I am quite ready to walk away from the marriage at this time. I am going to cancel my appointment with my attny on monday and give this M one last chance.

Misn'tF

OK---now that she says she is commiting to NC--work on a PLAN that the both of you can do together to ensure NO MORE contact of ANY kind.

That was my mistake in the many false recoveries my H and I have had. OW was very, very persistent and my H was a cake eater. He could rationalize to himself that he never contacted her and that lots of times he didn't take her calls, once in a while talking was ok, etc. etc.

Read SAA and how Harley recommends a plan--cell phone bills, access to all passwords, checking in periodically during the day. Work together on this plan and talk about how you can each help each other. Recognize that it will be hard for her in withdrawal and she may not have enough strength to do it by herself. You are probably going to have to check up on her.

This stuff can work, but from my own experience I realize that if I followed it to the letter, things would have gone more quickly.

***Well, she admitted to spending the two days with OM at the hotel. Said she didn't know why she called him, but did. Also said she cried most of the two days. Said they didn't have sex, he kissed her on the forehead a few times and she kissed him on the cheek once. They did sleep in the same bed but no cuddling.***

MIF -- please. Surely you know that this is complete bull and that of course they were having sex and of course they were enjoying it. She is just manipulating you again.

***Not sure how much of that is true, but either way, I don't think I am quit ready to walk away from this M.***

That's fine and I fully understand that -- but you will never save it as long as you go on swallowing the stuff she's dishing out. That just sends her the clear message that she can date her boyfriend anytime she wants as long as she keeps on giving good lies to MIF.

***She said she told him she wanted to save her M and said she had to put him out of her life for good and that she will not be contacting him in any manner and he said he respected her wishes and would contact her either.***

That's what she *says.* Has she actually *done* anything to follow through on these words?

***He also told her that he didn't think I could make her happy***

That's probably the only thing she told you that is true.

MIF -- you have played right into her hands and done exactly what she wanted you to do. She got to enjoy a sexy weekend with OM, and then all she had to do to get back with you was go home and tell you some more lies. Sure, you're kind of upset, but you're going to give her "one more chance."

And one more.

And one more.

And one more.

You must do something about *this* slap in the face to your marriage -- not just let it go and send her the message that yes, she *can* lie her way out of dates with OM and yes, MIF *will* take her back even after she spends a weekend having sex with her boyfriend.

I understand the pain and the cold-sweat fear of having to confront her with something like this. But why on earth would you give this woman "one more chance?" Brace yourself, because unless there are some consequences for this little weekend escapade -- like MIF going to a serious Plan B for a good while -- I will bet my house (and you can too) that she WILL do this again.

As someone else on this board said, "No consequences = no motivation to change." And please don't make the mistake of thinking that seeing your pain and anger is a "consequence" to her. Believe me -- it's not. Not to her.
Mulan

Mulan,

I understand what you are saying and believe me I am not that naieve. I told her I can't just accept her story on face value based on all the lies she has told up to this point. I also have drawn my boundires, I told her one more phone call, one more email, one more contact of any kind and I am done. Not sure if she thinks I am serious or not, but believe me I am. No offense to momto3boys, but we watched the Dr. Phil ep together and I told her that I would not take her back over and over again. This is the first time she has seemed sincere about commiting herself to me and our M, so I figured I would give her the opportunity to prove herself. If she fails, then she's gone. She came up with a plan and I like it. She asked if she ever felt the urge to contact the OM, would I mind if she called me instead. I told her absoultley. I work midnights and almost always have my cell with me so I told her no matter what time call me first and we can discuss why it was she got the urge to call him. I told her I wouldn't be upset, because she chose to call me instead of him. If for whatever reason I don't answer my cell, I told her to call the post and they will get ahold of me and tell me to call home. That would be no problem either.

I also told her that I will no longer just give her my trust. She is going to have to earn it. It will take a while, but the only way for her to earn it will be to back her words up with her actions.

I thank you for your comments (and 2x4's <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

Misn'tF

mulan....i'm so glad someone with more respect than a (WS like myself) stepped up and said that...

mif...your wife is a lucky woman to have someone who loves her as much as you do...i hope she realizes that and walks the walk...good luck to you both... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 14, 2004, 04:35 PM: Message edited by: dreamcatcher ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by marriage isn't forever:
<strong> Mulan,

I understand what you are saying and believe me I am not that naieve. I told her I can't just accept her story on face value based on all the lies she has told up to this point. I also have drawn my boundires, I told her one more phone call, one more email, one more contact of any kind and I am done. Not sure if she thinks I am serious or not, but believe me I am.
Misn'tF </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">With all due respect MIF, SHE HAS NO REASON WHATSOEVER to belive you. You have shown time and time again that you really don't "draw boundaries". I hate to say this my frined, but she probably has ZERO respect for you. ANYONE removed from this situation can see this. I know you don't need any more $hit from me, but you are living the defn of insanity- DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS'. In all honesty buddy, I don't see what is different this time. I am sorry for your pain. I guess we can all tell you a million times over what is happening, but you have to be ready in your own time. Good luck with all of this my friend, sadl <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> y I think you will really need it. Best wishes.

what about Plan B at this point?

Well, she admitted to spending the two days with OM at the hotel. Said she didn't know why she called him, but did. Also said she cried most of the two days. Said they didn't have sex, he kissed her on the forehead a few times and she kissed him on the cheek once. They did sleep in the same bed but no cuddling.***


Ok....I think this could happen. As a FWW this did happen although I didnt spend the night or two. We saw each other during the day in between the kids classes and such at his house and I was just so unhappy and miserable that neither of us could conceive of doing anything sexual. Yes he did kiss me on the forehead too and I held him. But nothing sexual.

in terms of him saying that you could never make you happy...my OM said the same thing to me. He said something like "Face it, H will never be able to give you what you want. He just isn't like that. Accept that fact and move on." He also told me that sooner or later this will happen again but it might be with someone else who won't give a damn about you or your family but I do. I don't want to take you away from your family I just want you to have your needs met. It is just sex." He said "I will make it easy for you in fact. All the gentle loving cuddling stuff you will do with your husband, with me you will get nothing but roughness." But then he hugs and kisses my forhead. My mind was so messed up and spinning I just didn't know what to make of it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lemonman:
<strong>With all due respect MIF, SHE HAS NO REASON WHATSOEVER to belive you. You have shown time and time again that you really don't "draw boundaries". I hate to say this my frined, but she probably has ZERO respect for you. ANYONE removed from this situation can see this. I know you don't need any more $hit from me, but you are living the defn of insanity- DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS'. In all honesty buddy, I don't see what is different this time. I am sorry for your pain. I guess we can all tell you a million times over what is happening, but you have to be ready in your own time. Good luck with all of this my friend, sadl <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> y I think you will really need it. Best wishes. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are right, I am living the definition of insanity and trust me, I feel I am insane for it at times. I have honestly made my mind up to not put up with the pain any longer should she not commit herself to me this time. I guess, what I actually do should she stray again, will only be known when/if she does stray again.

when life hands you lemonman, make lemonmanaid...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Laundry Mistress:
<strong>
Well, she admitted to spending the two days with OM at the hotel. Said she didn't know why she called him, but did. Also said she cried most of the two days. Said they didn't have sex, he kissed her on the forehead a few times and she kissed him on the cheek once. They did sleep in the same bed but no cuddling.***


Ok....I think this could happen. As a FWW this did happen although I didnt spend the night or two. We saw each other during the day in between the kids classes and such at his house and I was just so unhappy and miserable that neither of us could conceive of doing anything sexual. Yes he did kiss me on the forehead too and I held him. But nothing sexual.

in terms of him saying that you could never make you happy...my OM said the same thing to me. He said something like "Face it, H will never be able to give you what you want. He just isn't like that. Accept that fact and move on." He also told me that sooner or later this will happen again but it might be with someone else who won't give a damn about you or your family but I do. I don't want to take you away from your family I just want you to have your needs met. It is just sex." He said "I will make it easy for you in fact. All the gentle loving cuddling stuff you will do with your husband, with me you will get nothing but roughness." But then he hugs and kisses my forhead. My mind was so messed up and spinning I just didn't know what to make of it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plan B is out of the question, we both have said that neither would leave the house. Besides we don't have the money for one or the other to afford an apartment.

Thanks for your synopsis. It makes it seem as though maybe nothing did happen, and maybe that will help me get past this someday as long as FWW can walk the talk. I guess, I have made my mind up, because I still want to try and save this marriage even if they did have sex. I hope they didn't but as I said, I am not that naieve to buy into my FWW's story hook, line and sinker.

MiF