<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
I'm trying to start a plan A, but so far all I'm able to do is fight with her and try and change her mind.
How do you do the plan A without falling apart?
I had a hell of a fight with my W again this morning. I can't get over the hurt to be able to do the plan A.

Gustav

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Me- H (38)
W (29)
Married: 10/9/1999
Son (4), D (2)

Hi, GK. Welcome. I am new, too. And I am sure that other more experience poeple onthis forum will answer you, too. I would suggest that you give more details in this thread.

Just some questions:

Have you read ALL of Plan A and Plan B?
Who have you exposed the EA/PA to? That is one of the FIRST parts of PLAN A.

Are you and WW seeing a MC?

How long since you found out? How did you find out?

You said "trying to start a plan A, but so far all I'm able to do is fight with her and try and change her mind."
IMO, from personal experience trying to change their mind by fighting is a LB. Remember that they are in a fog. When you fight, that makes them even more sure that they are doing the right thing.
You said: "How do you do the plan A without falling apart? "
Someone here told me to "Breathe". Sounds simple but it is not. WHen you feel like you are falling apart, STOP and take a breath. Leave the room if necessary, until you can talk without fighting or LBing.

You said: "I can't get over the hurt to be able to do the plan A." Of course it hurts. And it will be very bad or even worse for a long time. But, as someone else asked "Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?" If you are willing to fight for your marriage, you must do more that "try" you must "do".

It takes a lot of practice and you will make mistakes. But, is getting your marriage back worth it? Pnly you can answer that.

Hi there

Mine is a long story. I've been feeling for a long time that we had marital problems, but due to the fact that I've already been through a divorce, I was so afraid to talk to my wife and maybe set something in motion that would end in divorce. Stupid isn't it.
Then my wife startedd taking cycling very seriuosly, although we originally started it together to be able to do something recreationally together. One day she arrivedd at home with a cycle which she said this good friend gave her to use untill she could buy a new one. I was upset but afraid to tell her to take it bake and look like a jelous fool. She then started talking with this guy every day at the creche when she picked up the kids.
One night she went out with some girls from work and only came home at 4 in the morning.

We once had a fight when she told me the Friday evening that she was going to cycle with this friend the next morning in a race. She told me she was going to sleep at another girl friends house. I tried to stop her and held her by her arms. She then pushed me out of the way and stormed out of the room. I took the car keys and we later both calmed down.

About a month later she came home late again and we had a fight again. I was busy with an industrial show that week. The next morning she phoned me and told me she had taken leave and had gone to her parents. I had to wait till Saturday before I could go and see her because they lived 250 km from us. I tried to talk to her but she kept on telling me she had made up her mind and were going to emigrate to the USA and take my kids with her. I was terrifiedd of loosing her and in shear desperation I gave her a spanking like one would do with a spoilt child. The Monday she filed a complaint of domestic violence against me. In the meantime I found out that she's been befriending this Muslim friend and he is boosting her ego by giving support, helping her with money to buy stuff for cycling. She keeps on maintaing that they do not have an affair. I still don't believe her.
She comes from a childhood where her mother was abused by her father. She sees her mother as pathetic and from her frame of reference what I did to her is only the beginning of worse to come. In my frame of reference it is the worst I could ever do to my wife.

We are going to see a clinical psychologist on Wednesday to deal with this paranoia about me being an aggressive person. She is so bad that she is leeping with spare keyes under her bed so that she can run away. I think this is just an excuse in her mind because she can't deal with the fact that she's "befriended" this other person.

To answer you, I've just received the book 'His Needs, Her Needs' and started reading it. I havent read all of the plan A, plan B part yet.

So, there is a little more information about me and the W.

GK

GK, your story scares me!

You said you "spanked" your wife as if she was a child? Firstly, she is NOT a child. And secondly, you physically abused her. You touched your wife in anger. That is abuse. You also said you kept her from leaving by "holding" her arm? Once again, that is abuse! If your wife is so fearful that she keeps keys by her side so that she can run, I suggest that she is afraid for her life.

Whatever your wife is doing, does not EVER warrant physical restraint or "spankings". I believe that YOU need some serious counselling to get to the root of your control, fear, anger problems.

I am not qualified to deal with spousal abuse issues.

<small>[ November 08, 2004, 09:54 AM: Message edited by: fightingalone-again ]</small>

Take it easy, fighting. Gustaf, were there any violence issues BEFORE this came up?

I know on D-Day I slapped my H as hard as I could. Okay, I'm not condoning it -- but I had never done anything like that before. Or since.

One big side-effect of the violence that comes with betrayal is that the WS will use it against you: they HAVE to leave you because of your behavior. That's a way of denying the pain that they have caused.

Again, I'm not condoning -- just saying I understand.

<small>[ November 08, 2004, 11:08 AM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

Gustav -

I'm pretty new here too and in the midst of trying to Plan A while my WW is having an EA. Not an easy thing to do.

I would like to suggest that you need to start arming yourself with information and knowledge that you can gain from this sight. I have found that when I accepted that I contributed to my WW's actions by not meeting her Emotional Needs, and when I discovered that I can't change her (only myself), then I began to see how I could set into place a real Plan A.

Things like this have been shown to me by wise folks on this site....listen to what they have to say with an open mind.

Good Point A.M. Perhaps it was the tone that scared me. Spanking? Restraining, etc. If it is not a normal occurence to try to physically control and intimidate.

Then, sorry, if I misread your post, GK I apologise.

bump

(Fighting: I have to admit I still have fantasies of shoving people down flights of stairs. But that's one of the joys of Plan B -- even maintained in the throes of divorce. My silence is impenetrable and non-violent. Even Gandhi would approve.)

<small>[ November 08, 2004, 07:07 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

Thanx for your reply all

I 've never been a voilent person in my life. My W actually noted previously that she was proud of me because of this trait.

I am busy with coounselling and the psychologist has also reassured me was more a lashing out in reaction than an anger problem.

AM, I've gone through my wifes cellphone account and started seeing a pattern that started in March 2004. She still denies having an affair but she won't be able to aknowledge having an affair because she has had a similair affair with a married man just after leaving school. She has been living with this guilt for the past 10 years without sharing it with me.

We are going to a psychologist together tommorrow so that we can adress the so called anger issue. I still believe she is trying to manipulate me as her mother and her sister is telling me. But as we know, nothing will help until the A has been made known. I am also contemplating informing the OM's W. Should I do this or not? Should I confront her with the cellphone details at the psychologist or not?

GK