Hi ArmyMom
Well I’m a FWW and my H is in the Aust army and has been deployed to Afghanistan & Iraq and as I write is about to be sent again by the looks of it. Sucks doesn’t it.
Well I can give you some things to ponder on from my wild 4 to5 months of this hell after I admitted my affair to my H. NOT FUN.
I’ve read your posts and can see much that is alike with many M relationships that end up here. I feel your H has been a very insecure and immature young man for a long time and yes I’m sure he has taken advantage of you, his children and family to enjoy himself as & when he felt like it.
Frankly reading your posts I think you have done well not to divorce him after the Korea incidents.
But that aside , I guess like most of us you would like to save your M if it was something which could become a relationship worth saving.
Not that different from many here.
From your posts I have gathered that in your particular circumstances your revenge affair as you called it may not have been that alone. It may have been a simple desire to share some intimacy and kindness with another person after a long time of being ignored and betrayed & that you really did feel the M was over at the time you had the short term affair.
Its an affair for the reason that you had not yet divorced. I don’t say its an excuse but it may help to put the ‘affair’ in context.
OK I think your doubts are entirely reasonable given the past actions of your H, however you’ll never be sure if you do not try to do all that you can to get the M to what it always should have been. Your sons comment of why doesn’t Daddy love us must have been heartbreaking. Your H also needs to know this by the way it’s a very telling comment on his past actions and may help him realise what he’s done.
What you can start off doing is read all the info here if you have not already done so and see how you can Plan A him for now. This means you are being what I and others relate to as a lighthouse. A place for your H to know there is love, commitment, understanding, welcoming, all those love bank things that people need. Reminding him of why he married you.
However a lighthouse is NOT a outhouse. You CAN set boundaries like no more boys nights out until he has earned your trust and even then not so darn often!! No more excuses for not being home with you & the kids. Things like that which are taking from your love bank.
I’m guessing you are pretty empty right now.. That’s pretty normal to.
You may not get a lot of positive responses right away, but that’s usual. Your own feelings are likely to be up one day and in the depths of hell the next. That’s normal too. You will hear lots of people call it the roller coaster ride. Boy is it!! You see you will both be coming from the side of betrayed and betrayer so there will be such a mix of feelings. Don’t despair it can work out.
Your H says he wants to start over? Ok then say if he’s serious you want a good pro marriage MC - not as silly as it sounds as so many seem to ‘want’ to help you separate. So choose carefully.
Its probably wise to discuss the hard issues at the MC, like the details of your affair , his affairs, etc etc so that it’s done at a neutral place.
The STD issue must be resolved. That’s a biggy for you and you need the honesty from him on this no BS and I don’t mean betrayed spouse.
As far as you’re A is concerned was it in your home, your bed? those things are so difficult for guys to accept even if they are the biggest play boys around. My guess is he will be devastated by the knowledge even though he has been playing around for so long. This is important to know from a point of planning. E.g are you inviting him back into the home for now, is there SF between you , is it THE bed etc etc. Might be an idea to get rid of them if you can.
There are no guarantees in this but at least if you do that and you finally decide that he is till the same you can walk away knowing you have done all you could to save your M and keep your family together.
But that’s a long way away. Remember we are here to help as much as we can even if you only want to vent.
