My wife had an affair this summer, for those of you that don't know me. D-day has been over 3 months ago. Marriage is kinda in stand still right now. My wife says she needs more time to "find herself" and to figure things out. We have done very little recovery. My being able to forgive her was hard at first but got easier. Now since she is unwilling to work on marriage, it is getting harder again. I have bad thoughts about her all the time.

My question is: Is complete exposure absolutely necessary. Right now the only people that know about the affair are 2 of her friends and 2 counselors that I've talked to. Some people seem to sense that something is wrong with us but we try to put on a good face and pretend like everything is fine. My wife would be mortified if her family ever found out. And I don't want to tell my family for fear of them turning against her....in case we do make it. She has had a hard time getting them to accept her and this would really make things worse.

The only person that I think really deserves to know about the affair...and I am pretty sure that they don't know....is the OM's girlfriend. My WW wife has said that OM didn't want to expose to her cause she is looking after his mom and paying his bills while he's away in Iraq. I think that's a sorry excuse. He's using her. I think she needs to know. My WW is afraid that it will start something and the A will be exposed and talked about all through her home town. Then, her parents would find out and that terrifies her. She said that she would be so ashamed that she would have a hard time dealing with it.

Should I just leave it alone....or what? Is complete exposure necessary or is it just hurtful to the FWS?

Expose to OW's gf and don't let your W or her OM know you are going to do it.


Let things fall where they may. You are not the designated secret keeper. That is the job of OM and W. Let them deal with the consequences of their secrets once they have been made non-secret.

I'm struggling with talking to OMW right now.
There are reasons I don't want to take this step.
But it seems every day there are more reasons to take it.

I firmly believe that revenge is the wrong motive. I do however feel anyone of us who is betrayed deserves to know the truth. Even more so in the face of something that may still be going on.

But there are also family issues I need to consider. WW may not have come totally clean with her family.
I have with my family. And while my parents dislike her right now, they have told me, in essence, if it works out, they will get past it as well. They also said, she will always be the mother of their grandchildren.
So worrying about family, I guess we just need to know that they will always support us.

BTW: For me to write that last sentence...well if I had been in therapy, my therapist would have jumped for joy. What I'm saying is, it's taken a situation like this to bring me closer to my parents.
Go figure??!!

One small problem....I don't know OM's gf's full name, address, or phone number. Just know first name. Town is small tho. Maybe it won't be too hard to find her. I can't ask my wife cause then she'll know what I'm up to. But I do thin that OM's gf deserves to know. I hate that OM has her wrapped around finger doing his stuff for her and pining for him when he comes back from Iraq.

SC,

This affair is over, right? This is a different guy than the one that she is doing "homework" with?

If so, it seems to me that HE is the guy who really needs to be exposed. That's the relationship that needs to be broken - and poses the most threat to your marriage.

Yes, this affair is over. I'm not even sure about this "homework" guy. I don't really think much has happened with him. I'm just uncomfortable with it. But I think the A needs to be revealed to the OM's gf who is still waiting for him at home and is taking care of his business for him while he is in Iraq.

I don't how to "expose" this new guy....cause I'm not really even sure that anything is going on. If it is, I hope that my wife will confess to me when we start seeing the counselor. If anything is going on, I'm sure she'll crack then and confess. If not, maybe she'll realize that she needs to spend less time with him in order to protect our marriage.

Not up to date on your story, but it certainly falls into one of two broad categories:

1) The affair is over. In this case, exposure of the affair to your wife's friends, family is unnecessary and likely counterproductive to your recovery.

2) The affair is not over despite your wife's knowledge of your knowledge of it. In this case, exposure in expanding concentric circles is absolutely necessary. No ifs ands or buts. Start immediately and do not inform her of your intentions.

As far as exposure to OM's GF is concerned, this should come via the NC letter your wife writes to OM. Send GF a copy if you can find her.

See the link in my sig line below and the embedded links about exposure.

SCD, without exposure what reason does OP have to maintain NC ?

Exposure illiminates the bindings of an affair to the light of truth. Very few survive exposure to OPs partner. Without this exposure, the lies that fertillize the affair are not tested.

* Naples, you need to expose if the affair is still active and you want to take all proven actions to stop it. You are using 'revenge' as an excuse IMO.

Its a big scary , risky thing to do but i am CONVINCED I'd be without my W now had I not exposed to OMs GF. She became my ally in stopping Contact. WOnderful.

Do it. DO IT !

OM is deployed in Iraq. I wouldn't focus on him much. I would monitor and see if your W is contacting him via email, etc. They do that now over there to keep in touch with home. The REAL big threat right now is "homework guy". Did your W ever tell you the whole story of girls night out and you finding her at his place next morn? If the story you gave us were a boat it would sink from all the holes.

You need to be real concerned with this new guy IMO. You need to explain to her your concerns, set boundaries about W's contact with him (NC).

I know that you think of plan B as the end of your M, but, from everything you have posted here about her recent activity, it may already be ending.

I think you should tell her parents about A from this summer and your wanting to save M and about this new guy and her attitude. I think you need all the help you can get in this. WW can only be upset with herself (initially she'll be p'd at you, but she know the truth).

Here story about the girls night is kinda sketchy but I can't get any more out of her about it. I've decided to let it go.

Tell her parents about the summer A would be devestating to her. She is really close to them and would be enraged at me if I told them. I hate keeping her secrets for her but I feel like I have to right now to show her my loyalty. I don't know if she would really understand if I did it. She would think that I was trying to torture her.

SCdazed

I'm sorry to see you here but at least its the right place to get some good advice. It has been for me.

Ok first of all are you SURE the affair is over and if you are sure how? I ask this because its the key to exposure or not. MB guidelines say the purpose of exposure is to help end the affair, not revenge. If you have a moral reason for letting the GF know then thats something you should decide separately from actions to rebuild your M. However know that if NC is in place this is likely to hurt recovery for the reasons you posted.

Unfortunately with email contact available with troops in Iraq I would not be surprised if there is still contact because of the description of her actions. I'm not so sure its withdrawal as much as what is called 'being a cakewoman'. Someone who is getting the OM to meet some EN's and then having you also meeting sone EN's.
This is just a guess but think carefully if she matches what Harley describes as someone in withdrawal or someone still in an affair.

if you are sure this is not the case then it seems as if her interest is somewhere else right now. Could it be with anyone she is studying with? Not physical perhaps but a EA attachment?

I know this is not what you want to consider but maybe its better facing this once & for all if there is ANY chance for you two to work on your M.

Myrta may be right in that she just wants to be single & have no responsibilities.

If you can rule out all other interests as such then maybe its time for Plan B IF you are feeling you are losing your love for her. If not I would suggest you continue with Plan A for now.
Just know that in Plan A you get little back for a long while.

<small>[ November 08, 2004, 12:23 PM: Message edited by: aussieswife ]</small>

Yes, I am 95% sure that there is no contact going on with OM and that the affair is over. I keep tabs on her cell phone, email, and home phone. I don't think that she has contacted him anymore. I am just concerned about her emotional attachment with her study buddy. He seems to get most of her fun energy and I get the down and depressed side of her. I commonly hear her laughing when talking to him on the phone or on Instant Message. It reminds me of conversations with her OM (the ones that I knew about at the time) They were all light and airy and full of laughter. I miss that part of my wife. I'm jealous that her study buddy gets to see it more than I do.

If you are sure that the A with army man is over and you monitor it that is good.

Here is where I am just going to flat tell you what I think. This is based solely on what you posted. I think that W has replaced army man w/study buddy to help fill the needs that you are not meeting. Frankly, it may not be possible to meet all her needs, she's 22 and in college. That atmosphere is not conducive to marriage. I do not believe one word of the girls night out story. If you don't press her, she will never tell you the truth. By the way you post, it seems you ask, she fires back at you and you back down. Her defensiveness is a clue to if she tells the truth. You know her personality do you think she is telling you the truth.

When it comes to revealing the A from this summer to her parents. My opinion, you are not revealing this out of revenge or just to get back at her. You should go to her P's about what is going on right now with study buddy. Her behavior now is a continuation of what went on this summer and the A is part of that. Exposure is meant as a tool to break up an A. That is what you are doing, the EA (at least) that W is having with study buddy. From what I have heard she said she was sorry, but is not doing much to work on M, in fact she is doing opposite by spending so much of her time with her classmate and leaving scraps of attention for you.

Either this is true, or you may feel insecure due to previous A and are way overblowing the sitch. i don't believe that because of girls night out story. Either way, you two need to talk and reach an understanding that will work for BOTH of you.


Post back.

You said-

Either this is true, or you may feel insecure due to previous A and are way overblowing the sitch.

My wife would claim that this is the case. I don't know.....maybe. I don't believe that my wife has told me all of the truth about her summer affair. And I don't believe she is being completely honest about current relationshiop with her study buddy. She has gotten into a habit of lieing. And she justifies it by saying to her self that there is really no harm. That I don't know everything. That I'll overreact so she feels ok with covering some things up. After confessing on D-Day, she had said that she had debated on whether or not tell me about the affair. I couldn't believe that she could go on holding that secret between us.

She mustn't ever regret being truthful. How do I get her to want to be honest with me. It seems like it's the last thing she wants. I have to fish out details about her interactions with study buddy now. Had to fish out details about the affair. It's like she feels that more truth will only cause unneccesary pain or overreaction. So she glosses over the truth. I really don't trust her much at all right now. I question everything and I hate being like this. I'm sure that that leads to her wanting to continue this behavior. How do you start back down a path of trust again? How do you start?

The only way you can start to rebuild trust, etc is for W to be completely truthful with from this day forward. That does not mean that she has to tell you everything from this summer, that may come in time, but she has to be truthful with you about what she is doing now.

So how does that happpen? Well, that is something that you need to figure out and be comfortable with. I still say talk to her P's. What is their R with you? How strong is it? If her actions were exposed, it would make life very uncomfortable, end the A. She needs to know that you will not tolerate her disrespect, lying, etc anymore and you won't cover for her either. Something like this would turn her world upside down. Where would she go? If she ran off to move in with studybuddy (Idoubt he wants that) or even move anywhere what would P's reaction to that be?

Can you think of any other ways where she would begin to tell you the truth? Bounce them off me.

I hate this. Trying to determine if your spouse is being totally honest or not is kinda like playing cards. Apparently I can't read her that well. All I know is that some of her accounts of her whereabouts don't add up. When I call her on it, she says that I'm being ridiculous and that if I don't believe her, I should go and test to see how long it takes to get home from there...etc. I don't know when to call her on it or when to fold. When I do call her on it....she denies, denies, denies, so eventually, I fold. But I hate not knowing if she is telling me the truth or not. I question everything and that is really counterproductive to any kind of recovery. How do I call her in a nonthreatening way....to make her want to come clean.

On her parents, I am very close to them. If I talked to them, I know I would get their support but my wife would deny, deny, deny and try to turn them against me. She would make me out to be the bad guy so they would have to decide who to believe. I'm not sure that I want to go that far yet. It would be storm that I don't know if the marriage would weather.

OK. You know for a fact that she had A this summer, right? And now she is asking you why you don't believe her? Hello. I don't think you should beat your W over the with the A every time something goes wrong. In this case though, her actions sound a lot alike. Tell her your feelings, why talking to the studyguy hurts you, etc. If she doesn't care, tells you that's your problem, etc. You are going to have to dropa bomb.

BTW, you are going to need to tell her P's eventually. My W and I had M problems that went back some time. Her P's found out about her A right away. The first thing FIL asked me was why i didn't say anything to them. Now I keep them informed of how are withdrawal/recovery period is going and they are giving support and giving tough love to my W. A cold dose of reality is what she is getting. Now we have a child, so grandchild's future is at stake so it does make a difference. But, i like to think they would be there anyway. I am more one of there son's then their own sons are. So we're pretty tight.

If you guys split, they are going to want to know why. Her dirty little secret is going to come out eventually. She wants to keep it his from them, fine, work on M. Reach some mutual agreements, etc.

Also, you are never going to be able to keep playing that card game with her. YOu can't keep up and you will end up hating her because of all the suspicion you have.

Oh yeah....I have already decided that if we do ever split, I will reveal the reason why to her parents. No doubt. She doesn't know this. Perhaps that fact would be a good bombshell? Or just a threat that would scare her into staying with me? for the wrong reasons...

But I will not let her blame anything other than the truth if our marriage does disolve...she will have to face that. I'm content with protecting her from their wrath as long as she stays with me though.

Okay, I'm just going to say it:

She is 22 and needs to be able to learn to handle her relationship with her parents. If they 'blow up' at her. She put the dynomite there. Big wow!

They obviously are very instrumental in her life and would be wonderful to partner with at helping her face the real world.

People work on their marriages or don't and leave them.

If your ILs are told matter of factly about what you suspect is going on.......your W will need to see how deal with truth vs secrets.

You can't be in a marriage with a secret-keeper.

YKWIM?