I have been married for almost one year now and my husband wants us to spend Christmas with his x-girlfriend's family. Apparently, he grew very close to this family and even considers them his "family" during a time when his real family wasn't really there for him. I do not feel comfortable spending time with this family especially at Christmas. Two of the family members visited us recently for my husband's birthday in August - which I believe was generous on my part. The family members, specifically his x-girlfriend's sisters, are constantly begging him to come visit and make him feel very guilty when he misses something, like a graduation. Sometimes, I feel like I am burdening him by keeping him away from the "family" he cares about most, yet it hurts me that he would even ask me to spend Christmas with them. Comments?

LJ,

This is an inappropriate request from your H, in my view.

He married YOU. He shouldbe willing to put the ex's family permanently inthe rearview mirror. Seriously, what does he hope to gain by nutruing that relationship - except to keep a role in the ex-girlfriend's life.

You should tell your husband as firmly as you can that you won't agree to this.

As I understand it, one of the fundamental tenets of Marriage Builders is that, in a marriage, neither of the two people do anything unless BOTH people enthusiastically agree that it should be done. That seems to me to be a good standard for resolving conflict. You are CLEARLY not enthusiastic about this. That should be the end of it.

So...tell your husband to send the ex-family a Chirstmas card - and if he wants, a letter. Then, prepare to have a great Christmas together!

Andrew, thank you for your thoughtful response. Unfortunately, my husband is insisting as follows: "The *****'s are not my ex's family..they are MY family. They have been part of my life since before you ever came into my life. I will not sacrifice them. If you want me to be part of your family you need to at least try and at least toe the line with me. If you can't meet me half way with this we have a serious problem." I don't know what to do about this... am I headed for divorce?

This is a tough one.
Has he ever asked you to spend time with them before? Like when you were dateing? Has he ever expected something along these lines before. Like to attend a birthday party, or Thanksgiving, or Easter?

I agree, I don't think there is an easy answer to this one. If these are people that your H grew up with and he truely feels close to like family, is it fair for you to ask him to give them up? Are you worried about the ex-GF? Is this something that you and your H have discussed? It doesn't sound like you have tried to get to know these people at all. Why do you think you were being generous when two of them came to visit for your H's birthday?

I think you two need to work on finding a common ground here, right now you both sound like you are at opposite sides of the room and refuse to see the others point of view and take their feelings into consideration.

Answers to the questions... No, he hasn't asked me to spend time with them when we were dating. I asked him before we were married whether or not he would be able to not see them, or rarely see them, because I might feel uncomfortable and he said "no problem". So in this sense we have "discussed" it. He did want to go to one of the sister's college graduations, but did not ask me to go and felt guilty about not going later. He did not grow up with this family, I would say he has known them for 5 years. He and his x-girlfriend were together for 2 years then he spent a lot of time with the family for some time after that before he moved to the US, afterwhich he keeps in touch by phone and email. So I wouldn't say he grew up with them, but he does feel close to them like family. Two of the sisters came to our house for a weekend, initiated by me to show him I was trying to get to know them... though I did feel a bit awkward when they were at our house.. so I feel I did make an effort and I have exchanged emails with these two sisters since then. Also, about 6-7 mos before we were married, my H wrote an email to his x responding to a picture she sent him saying he missed her and still goes crazy whenever he sees a picture of her. I'm not so worried about his ex - except that I know I will feel uncomfortable around her knowing he exchanged such an email. He explained to me that he is over his x and the email meant nothing...thtat the email was like a joke. He even asked me whether I wanted him to say goodbye to this family in order to make me more comfortable. Now that we are married, everything has changed, and he is insisting on having the relationship with his "family". What do you think?

Any comments?

LJ,

Why would you accept an ultimatum like that from your husband? Yes, there may be a serious problem if you don't "meet him halfway." But...why isn't HE willing to meet YOU halfway?

You've alreay got one warning sign: the email. Read through this board and you will find many, many, many stories of people who got emails from "friends" that "meant nothing" or were a "joke" - and that later led to an affair.

Your husband is trying to hold on to his relationship with his ex-girlfriend. The question for him is a pretty simple one. "You say that you won't sacrfice this family. Are you ready to sacrfice our marriage?"

Your husband, if he is a reasonable guy, will see that the stakes are high here. Maybe there is a compromise: you two have your OWN Christmas together (your first?) and then pay a brief visit to the family AFTERWARD.

Again - this is one of those issues where the policy of joint acceptance applies. Unless BOTH of yo uare enthusiastic about this...it should NOT be done.

I'm curious, does your H have a family of his own? If so...waht are they doing for the holidays? Maybe this situation can be short-circuited by an invite from his family or yours?

Yes, we did get an invitation from my Father... but he doesn't want to spend Christmas with him. He feels "forced" to get to know my family, when I apparently won't get to know his (but its not his real family). As for his real family, he doesn't like his Mother - she left him when he was a child and his father is a drunk - they all live abroad. As for his x's family, they all live in the US, but the Mother lives abroad and is coming up for Christmas. This why he wants to spend Christmas with them - because the whole family is there... yet I thought it would be more important to spend it with my Father...

Again, the key here is mututal enthusiasm.

It seems to me that a compromise is in order. He doesn't want to spend Christmas with your father. You don't want to spend Christmas with his "family."

So...how about a special Christmas get-away for the two of you? It doesn't have to be expensive or lavish. Maybe a couple of days at a bed-and breakfast somewhere?

Find a place that you'd both like to go. Spend some quality time together. (I's assuming there are no children yet?) Then..promise that you'll visit both families during the holiday season.

Do you think he'll go for this?

Not sure if he will go for this... but I would definately rather spend Christmas alone with him without all this complication! I already agreed to visit his "Mother" next time we are in her area. I also agreed to have two of the "Sisters" visit us once in awhile at our house. He doesn't seem to think I'm making enough of an effort, but I feel like I'm bending over backwards!

Obviously, there needs to be compromise here. It sounds like you have made some concessions. He needs to make some, also.

Maybe an approach similar to "Plan A" would work. Come up with a just-you-two Chirstmas scenario that is so enticing that your husband can't possibly refuse it.

You know the man. Put your mind to work creating a Chrismas secnario that will appeal to him. You are at a great point in your marriage - no kids - so you have lots of opportunity to go places and do things toghether.

How much travel is involved in visiting this other family, by the way?

The other family is about a 3-hour airplane trip.

So...it sounds like you'd really have to commit to a long visit if you agree to this.

Your husband obviously has a couple of things going on here: these people are surrogates for the family he doesn't have...and they are linked in his mind to memories of an ex that - it sounds like - he may not have completely shaken yet.

This is a difficult situation. Over the long-term, I think you are going to need to find a way to fill the needs that this "family" fills for him. It may not be fair to ask him to completely give up this family. But, it IS fair to ask him to focus on YOUR marriage, to listen you, and to consider YOUR needs and feelings as well as his own.

You know your husband better than any of us do, obviously. Is he a pretty reasonable guy? And...how does this other family treat you, in general? Have they been kind/respectful to you?

Yes, this other family has been nice to me.

My Husband's last reply: "Hey.... No matter what happens with this I still love you and will always >love you and it does not change my feelings towards you or my intentions to >have a long fruitful life and family together. >I just cannot give up my family and immediately adopt your family as my own. >I love the XXX's and I consider them blood the same way you consider >your family. I have had to sideline them just to please you and I think that >is totally unfair to me and to them. This is something that will never go >away as they are always in my heart. You will never have to compete with >them for my love as my love for them is different from the love that I give >to you every day. I am not asking that you be best friends with them but to >acknowledge them and show them the same consideration that I show your >mother and sisters."

Is this your first Christmas as a married couple? If not, what did you do last Christmas?

Yes, this is the first Christmas as a married couple. Last year we stayed home and the year before that he visited other relatives in NY.

Well...I think you have a pretty good case for styaing home this year, as well.

Tell your husband that you understand how important his "family" is to him. It sounds like what he wants is validation of that relationship. Does he understand, though, that his actions with his ex, the emailing, have made you uncomfortable? If that HADN'T happened, would you have been more willing to go?

I'm not sure I'm being much help here, but...it seems like one way to solve this is for both of you to work on creating a special "First Christmas" together, and perhaps for you to agree to visit both families during the holiday season?

I am going to propose that we alternate spending christmas with each others family. This year with mine, (we already have plans to go to my Mother's house during Thanksgiving). Next year will be devoted to his... and on and on. If he doesn't want to go to my Dad's for Christmas this year, we will have our first special Christmas together alone. What do you think? I don't think I'm ready to go to the "family's" house this year, but I think I could get mentally ready for next year and that will give us time to resolve the issues with his ex.