I am completely new here. Have been lurking, reading posts, articles so far.

I am really trying to discover why I cheat and if/why I would stop.

I've been M 28 yrs, 2 older kids. My H is a sex addict - with me. I do not know of any As on his part, but I get sick of his asking for sex every night. I have no interest in him sexually.

My first A was 10 yrs ago. OM was M, 2 small kids. A lasted 2 yrs. I realized it was going nowhere, so I broke it off. It meant nothing to me.

Then, 2 yrs ago I met the love of my life. Also M, 3 kids. I admit I went after him. We were working together. Pursued him. Finally, after we became friends I got him to admit his M was in a rut. So, I suggested just kissing. One thing led to another. Then, we were in a full blown A. He tried to break it off 3 times. Every time, I told him he could come back. He did, until 4 months ago, when his W found out. She made the ultimatum, 'choose'. I was devastated when he chose her. Still offered for him to come back. He stayed away, but maintained e-mail & phone contact. But, then she found out about that, too. Again with the ultimatum. That was 1 month ago. He sent me what you call the NC e-mail. And it has been like that ever since.

I won't contact him, but I would take him back in a heartbeat. We were really something sexually.

I am miserable now. But, I think I would do it again. I feel no guilt about cheating, but I am tortured during and, in this case, after the A is over. Ideas? Suggestions?


WW-50 H-60

Hi.

The very first thing you need to do is tell your husband what you have done. It is only right that he have a choice to divorce you or not. You have already made your choices.

The second thing you need to do is read all the articles written by Dr. Harley and others on this website (I don't mean all the posts on the forum, although you will find that helpful).

Oh, and for the record, my wife (of almost 30 years) and I have sex everyday. I don't think that is weird or even uncommon.

Others will give you more detailed advice.

Gimble

<small>[ November 08, 2004, 03:08 PM: Message edited by: Gimble ]</small>

Whew.

Welcome to MB. Stand back. I'm glad you're here, but I'm warning you, you may be in for some tough love. Please stay.

A couple of questions:

You feel no guilt, but you're tortured during the affair. Tortured by what, if it isn't guilt?

Should innocent people suffer so you can feel good?

Why should you stop? Because you are hurting people, and because you're married.

It all depends on who you want to be.

GC

Is this for real?

CW:

"I am miserable now."

Think about why this is the case.

"But, I think I would do it again."

Even though it makes you miserable? What about the families you've trashed with this thoughtless, selfish behavior?

"I feel no guilt about cheating, but I am tortured during and, in this case, after the A is over."

This doesn't make much sense.

"Ideas? Suggestions?"

Depends on why you came HERE, a very pro-marriage site. If you want help 2 "stop", then you're at the right place. But if you want help with your next A, sadly there are other places for that.

Which is it? What kind of person do you want your kids 2 remember you as?

-ol' 2long

CW,

You may feel no guilt, but you have obviously come here for help. In addition, you admit to being tortured DURING your A's.

So...what does your H know? Have you admitted to him what you have done?

If you truly want help, and you sound like you do, then that is the first step. Honesty.

Then, you can start - with help - to build a marriage with your H that meets the needs YOU were missing that created the void that resulted in the A.

No one "wins" in affairs, CW. As you yourself have said, it is a tortured existence - hiding out, lying, feeling no sense of belonging anywhere. Perhaps you haven't felt "guilt" per se, but you have had other miserable feelings. And so have your OMs. There is fleeting "happiness" or "highs" but moreso there are lows and negative emotions.

We will help you if you truly want the help. Not all will be gentle. But many will.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

CW,

I am just asking but your post made me curious. How would you like someone to treat your children's marriage as you have treated the children of the OM? I mean if you had grandchildren would you like their parents (your children's marriage) broken up?

HOw would you counsel one of your children if their spouse did to them what you have done to other peoples spouses? Would you say get over it, love doesn't mean anything, commitment doesn't mean anything, and surely children don't mean anything?

I ask you this because until I have those answers any comments I might have about your lack of remorse or value system are premature.

I look forward to your answers.

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I am really trying to discover why I cheat and if/why I would stop.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think your answer is already written.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I am miserable now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You cheat because you are miserable.

If you wish to stop being miserable here is some advice....

BE the change you need in your relationship

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by noodle:
<strong> Is this for real? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is an equal chance of yes and no.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Then, 2 yrs ago I met the love of my life. Also M, 3 kids. I admit I went after him. We were working together. Pursued him. Finally, after we became friends I got him to admit his M was in a rut. So, I suggested just kissing. One thing led to another. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You could be telling the story of my WH's A with OW. So why should you stop? Let me tell you a little bit about the devistation this has caused. At the time the A started no one knew I was pregnant with our first child. I found out six weeks into my pregnancy. For the next two months, I did not eat, I did not sleep and I cried so hard my body physically ached. I thought for sure I would lose the baby because of this. Thank god that did not happen, but it was a very real possiblity. My point is, you can't even begin to know the damage your actions are having. The pain and hurt you are causing people you don't even know.

The fact that you feel no guilt is very scary. What kind of person are you that you could not feel guilt over the devistation you have caused? I hope you are just in denial and are not really that type of person, because if you are no one here can help you and I hope you are prepared for the consequences of your actions and I don't just mean here. I mean are you prepared to met your creator?

Weakness.

That, Carolinawoman is what your post communicates to me.

You are too weak to make the changes in your life that would make you happy.

Taking something from someone else makes you feel powerfull. For about a minute and a half.
Bet you really didn't like it that HE broke it off. Now you need a new one.

Or possibly..passive suicide?

HUM..will think on this and get back to you.

Noodle

CW,

The name of the post is "why should I stop?" so I'll try my best to answer that question if you return...because right now, it's hard to know if you're really genuine or not. But if you are...and you truly want help....I can give you some excellent reasons to stop.

For now....let's start with just one. Children. Yours are grown, and they had the security of going to bed at night knowing that they were safe and that their world was secure. How do you think the small children who have suffered through your affairs are faring at home? Are you truly unaware of the "wake" of destruction this causes in the lives of everyone it touches, especially children?

quote:
He did, until 4 months ago, when his W found out. She made the ultimatum, 'choose'. I was devastated when he chose her. Still offered for him to come back. He stayed away, but maintained e-mail & phone contact. But, then she found out about that, too. Again with the ultimatum. That was 1 month ago. He sent me what you call the NC e-mail. And it has been like that ever since.

I think the important thing readers of this thread should learn is how HIS WIFE handled her husband being a WS. Notice that she DID give him an ultimatum. Notice that she went immediately to the "love must me tough" method and not the standard Plan A method. Notice also that it WORKED... which is what I continually see as working the best of anything....

Now for you Carolinawoman..

You cheat to escape your boredom of everyday life and your problems of day to day reality. Some women need to have something to worry about, something to fret about. They are in the habit of escape. That is what you are in.. You are escaping your problems, worries, and everyday boredom.

You will stop when you can find another thing to think about that gives you pleasure or find another thing to worry about (such as your husband dumping you) that keeps you mind occupied. Either way, you are looking to escape from your own boredom.... Find another escape to occupy your mind is the smartest answer. You are looking for an excuse, where there is none. You are bored and fighting depression.

If you want to cheat, then get a DIVORCE and find a single person! Or do you do this because of the thrill of getting away with something? I have no respect for you at this point at all, yes, I'm being harsh, but what you are doing is harsher. If you want your marriage, then get in it. If you don't want your marriage, then get out! You should at least respect your husband that much... Get REAL!

The 3 most important reasons I can think of why you need to stop:

1. Because you are married and because it is immoral, wrong, sinful and deceitful to have an A while married. It’s also wrong towards God to have an A and deceit your spouse (regardless if you’re a religious person or not) because He created marriages and makes it sacred.

2. Because it is damaging, hurtful, disrespectful and deceitful towards your husband, your children, the rest of your family and your H’s family, the other man (OM), OM’s wife, OM’s kids, the rest of OM’s family and his W’s family.

3. Because it is damaging and destructing towards yourself as well... An A cause you to lose your dignity, self respect, values, morals etc.

Hope this could help,
Suzet

<small>[ November 09, 2004, 03:24 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

warning thread jack....
keepmovinsaid...

He did, until 4 months ago, when his W found out. She made the ultimatum, 'choose'. I was devastated when he chose her. Still offered for him to come back. He stayed away, but maintained e-mail & phone contact. But, then she found out about that, too. Again with the ultimatum. That was 1 month ago. He sent me what you call the NC e-mail. And it has been like that ever since.

I think the important thing readers of this thread should learn is how HIS WIFE handled her husband being a WS. Notice that she DID give him an ultimatum. Notice that she went immediately to the "love must me tough" method and not the standard Plan A method. Notice also that it WORKED... which is what I continually see as working the best of anything....

It's not possible to gather from this information that "it worked"....

We have no idea if this "worked" or not..in fact it is obvious the first ulitmatum didn't work as there was continued contact...followed by another ulitmatum....

it is possible the dance of ultimatums and threats has begun...
that the OM and BS have begun a relationship based on fear and power and control...

it is possible that out of fear the OM has returned to his wife...
no proof of any great ephinany...that what he did for 2 years of infidelity is magically erased and a light bulb moment of true recovery has occurred....

I would rather have a spouse back becuase they chose to be back..
that they processed the real depth of their actions and choices....then to ever have a WS back because of fear, force, or threats...

what we do know for a fact is that Dr. Harley counseled 100's if not 1,000's of couples effected by infidelity....
and though he has developed no sure thing garunteed plan...he has developed a road map that addresses the underlying issues...and guides the closest semblence to real recovery...much deeper than ultimatums and threats...

his plan of recovery is born through the chaos of couples attempting to get through it.......not a knee jerk reaction...

Infact..this poster may even be using this forum to "contact" the OM...
it's happened before...
it will happen again....

No one forces anyone to follow MB principles...
no one has to do anything....

ultimatums can often lead to children being pawns and dragged through a battlefield they have no control over....and can be very damaged by...

ultimatums should only be made with oneself...
never with another person...
each should decide which straw is the one to break the camels back...and proceed accordingly...

I am not too concerned with threadjacking this post...as I doubt carolinawoman is in touch with her true self enough to see much value in these posts...

but just incase...
remember carolina..it is our actions that define our beliefs...
if you believe in honesty you must act as if...

ARK

CW,

You don't have to take my word for it but if you do a little bit of research you'll find out that the majority of married OM do not leave their W for the OW. Why? because for them an affair is not a sign of an unhappy marriage like it is with married women who have affairs. The fact that your OM caved in to his W's ultimatum proves that he is one of these OM. You know why men like your OM love to have affairs with married women like yourself? because they know that they cannot make demands on them like a single woman would. If you truly want to be in a happy and committed relationship then you are going to have to face reality that you are not likely to achieve it in a secret relationship based on lies, deceipt, false promises and fantasy like an affair. It takes hard work to be happy and it will never come from another person.

Carolinawoman - ?

Is this for real?

This seems to be a "window" into the mind of an "Other Woman." Sounds too much like the TOW sort of reasoning.

Is there really some help that you are seeking from a site dedicated to saving and affair proofing marriages?

Why Should I Stop?

Why do you even ask the question when you already take the position that I think I would do it again? Do you really WANT to stop committing adultery and negatively affecting many lives?

I'm thinkin this isn't real...

Yep.

Carolinawoman faded in2 the woodwork, it seems.

-ol' 2long