Well my H came over last night at about midnight to pick up his uniforms (his ship is going out to sea for two weeks). He sat on the edge of our bed and said that he had a really bad day and was depressed. When I asked him why he said that he decided he wants a divorce, and wants to sit down with a laywer and decide how much money he is responsible for giving me and be done with it..
I guess he had been talking to 'some friends' and they 'advised' him of this. He also said he talked to his Mother who told him to seek legal advice. Really odd because two days ago she talked to me and acted as though she was upset with him and hoped he would come clean.
Wow...I am not only devistated I am shocked. I am not sure why this shocks me since he is still with the OW...I just really hoped we could work this out. He is out to sea right now...and I feel so helpless. I don't know what to do...and I feel like he has just taken all of my hope away.
Any advice? Just suck it up and get a D?...
Thanks
Danielle

I've been trying to pull up your previous posts to get your story, but the 'puter keeps freezing up.

I personally never feel one should "suck it up", unless it is what you want to do.

I am going to assume that you are well read on the Plan A, and have already been working on yourself, your interaction with him and have identified any behavoirs of yours which need to be changed.

If not then do so right away.

On MB they feel you should never agree to divorce unless it is what you want. However it does you know good to make your WH feel like he is in a cage, either.

You can let him know it is not what you want but that you won't stop him. And then STALL, STALL, STALL the divorce anyway you can.

This will give him the feeling of freedom he needs right now while you have a chance to Plan A your butt off.

No begging, no crying, no blaming, and most of all NO FEAR.

Now is the time for you to be strong and show him and yourself what you are made of.

(((((Danigirl)))))

Weaver,
Thank you greatly for the reply. My QUICK story.

My H met OW on 8/3/04 when the kids and I went on vacation to visit home. He moved in with OW who is 10 years older then he is, going through her own divorce and has 3 kids. She is LOW LIFE..bad. Anyhow, had two false recoveries, now he has gotten angry..and very distant. We have two children, who miss him terribly. Currently he is upset about money. He wants to provide for OW (basically she is using him) and would have to take from his responsibilties here to do that.. She gets angry with him if he can't give her money, so he does, which leaves the kids and I with very little money. The finnancial aspect of this has gotten out of hand. He is in love with the OW, and she wants to get married to him.
Anyhow... I have been doing my best with Plan A. He is very unreceptive at times to my attempts to met his EN. When I say I love you, he says sorry. It is difficult. Right now he is out to sea for about 2 weeks..and I am wondering if I should just not e-mail him...or continue to write to him. When I call him he says I 'bother' him, so where is the line between bothering him and not talking to him at all?
I just love him so much...and I miss him being home and I just wish he could see that...
Danielle

I would stay in Plan A, but seek legal advice to be sure you and your children are taken care of. See if you can get an allotment for spousal and child support, to keep OW from getting anymore money from your husband.

Clearly, this is not going to work out with him and OW. So take your time, and settle down. We will help and support you through this.

Have you seen a lawyer yet to protect you and your children? If not, you need to do this immediately. He is using marital assets to fund this affair and this needs to be stopped immediately. Please go see a lawyer today!

I am going to call a local lawyer for an appointment today. I had been putting off the lawyer thing because it felt so final. Like once I was at the lawyers office...I was just headed for a DV...
Danielle

Just some suggestions - by all means see a lawyer immediately. Ask him what you can do to protect yourself and your children.

Suggestion: Don't say "ILY" any more. On another web site, I read that saying ILY makes you appear weak and needy. WS cannot reply truthfully, so becomes defensive. Mine did. I said ILY one night as we were going to sleep - he said nothing. I said "Did you hear me?" He angrily said "I heard you." (in a very ugly tone of voice.) I will not say it again until he says it first. The exception is that when I confronted him about the A - as part of what I said to him (about 10 - 15 minutes worth) I said I didn't want a divorce, and that I still loved him. I did not expect nor demand a reply of any kind. But I felt it had to be said at that time.

I know talking to a lawyer is a big step but it does not mean you are headed for a divorce. You are taking steps to protect your family while your WH is incapable of doing so. You are doing what you need to do to save the M and your family.

Remember while he is still involved in the A, he will be deep in the fog. During this time believe nothing you hear and only half of what you see. The things he is telling you have been said my almost every WS out there. It does not mean the end. Stick with Plan A for as long as you can. Also, have you heard about the 180 approach? That seems to have worked for me as well.

Starz,
Thank you for the ILY advice. I am going to try that...and see how he reacts to that. He is put off by me saying it..so I will try without <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Kloe,
I do not know about the 180 approach. Can you fill me in?

Thank you everyone...
Danielle

DarlinginVA
I read your post and we have some similarities
except my WW has fallen for someone in the Navy and just like your WS has pretty much convinced herself that she is strongly in love with OM. I too have been guilty of the ILY's and she does reply back but at times sounds a little aggitated that she has too.
Currently i am in separation with her. If you are from VA. You have to be legally separated for 1 year before you can file for the divorce.
In a way that is good it buys some time for hope in that the WS will come out of there fog after their fantasy world burst. But for us BS it can be torture to wait it out and try to hold on to feelings you have for your WS. Currently what iam experiecing.
Hopefully this will ease your concicious about the DV a little. It is not immediate in VA.
I would definitely check to see what you are legally entitled to with you WS being he is in the military. The military frowns upon this. You may even want to open this up with his command. This could throw a monkey wrench into his fantasy world.
jets

Here you go:

Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

The 180 list is NOT the "180 approach". It is simply a list of things that could POSSIBLY be done while doing the 180.
You should NOT in any way go down the list and do all of them (and possibly any of them).

Also, the 180 does not necessarily fit in with Marriage Builders. I HIGHLY suggest you stick with one or the other. Don't mix & match unless you are getting professional counseling from someone trained in either technique.

Go to www.divorcebusting.com and read "The DIvorce Remedy" and "Divorce Busting", both by Michele Weiner-Davis

Don't say "ILY" any more. On another web site, I read that saying ILY makes you appear weak and needy.
So only weak & needy people say, "I love you"?

WS cannot reply truthfully, so becomes defensive.
SO say it if you mean it but say itwith no expectations of a reply. After all, it isn't a question, it is a statement.

I said ILY one night as we were going to sleep - he said nothing. I said "Did you hear me?" He angrily said "I heard you." (in a very ugly tone of voice.) I will not say it again until he says it first.
Yeah, you'll really show him, won't you?

Marriage Builders/saving your marriage is N O T about playing games or trying to coerce your spouse into loving you.
It is about being honest (with yourself and to your spouse) and truthful.

Chris,
So you would continue to say I love you? This whole thing is so hard!!!


Right now he is out to sea for 12 days so we are only talking via e-mail, which makes things harder. The first day he was gone I didn't write to him, I didn't want to seem like I was 'needy' or 'bothering him'. He wrote to me the 2nd morning and asked how I and the kids were doing, and I replied. The third day he wrote to me and asked if I had talked to the OW since he left. She USED to call me every time they were on the outs and complain and pry me for information until I basically told her I didn't want her calling anymore. I told my H that I had not talked to her, and asked him if he was OK. He said he was really depressed, but everything is fine. If it was fine why would he have asked if I talked to her?? He has been sleeping a lot out to sea. We e-mail back and forth twice a day or so, about small talk. He avoids responding to any comments that the kids miss him or that when he comes home we could go to the range or out with friends or something. If I say anything about 'us' or the kids and him he just avoids it. Yesterday he asked me if I could do him a big favor and go get his medals mounted at the tailor shop. I FELT like saying...go ask the OW, since your so in love with her. I didn't...I just asked him when he needed them by and how he would like me to pay for them. *sigh* His brother and wife are coming to stay here for the weekend of the 21-22nd because they are getting stationed in Japan and want to see the kids before they leave, and I feel horrible that my H lives at the OW house.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> I would stay in Plan A </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well that's a suprise you would say that Believer ??

Okay...well he is in port in Florida right now. (It's okay that the public knows <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Anyhow, he just called here COLLECT to ask if I could move some money in his account. Sunday he told me he couldn't help with ANY bills anymore and all this crap, then a few days ago he bought an amp. for his car from e-bay, and now he is in port with no money so he calls me for money. I want to scream. Normally I would have NO problem giving him money for port, but I feel like saying, why am I good for money and to call when there is crap b/w you and OW but you can't call me to just say Hi?
*sigh* I DON'T want a DV like he does, but I don't want this either...
Danielle

Well I havn't heard from him again...
I am not sure how I should handle or respond to him sometimes. I love him so much. I know the OW feels 'powerful' because she 'has my man' as she puts it. Blah!
Danielle

OW doesn't have a 'man'....she has a WS. Big difference! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

L.