Hey all, I don't have any news to report or really any questions. I guess I'm writing this for my own benefit more than anything. Heck, maybe I ought to start a blog....

Yesterday marks one year that my W and I separated. Following the affair she started up, pregnancy by OM, and a few false recoveries, that I unfortunately had to go through.
W was due 10/31. Haven't heard anything about that, nor has her parents. W hasn't tried to contact me since the middle of Sept.
Plan B goes on I guess.

Everyone says Plan B is for the BS, to help protect them. I feel no such thing. I'm sure it does help others, as I've seen here, but not me for some reason. I thought it would make what's left of my life more bearable, it really hasn't much. I am left with worries about if she is alright or not, regardless if she wonders the same about me or not. I had hoped plan B would have gotten her off the fence. I guess it appears it has, as she's no where around here.

I know of nothing left that I can do at this point. No matter what, I won't help her get a divorce. Even if it comes to the time that I want one. She'll have to do it. I will go down fighting, and standing up for what I believe. Regardless. I know no other way.
My father, who doesn't quite understand why I'm still doing this, at least respects me for what I'm trying to do. I was surprised he said this to me the other week. As he has kind of badgered me about this sometimes.
I am thankful for the support that my inlaws have given to me. Reading a lot here, I don't think anyone else has received the level of support that I have been blessed with from them.

So I will continue on, doing only what I know how to do. And wait.

Wow, your case makes my case seem like nothing. My wife just fell in love with another man and almost left me and the kids but your wife jumped in with two feet.

Dr. Phil has stated that you're better off to divorce in a case like yours but everyone is different. I can't imagine having the patience and desire you have expressed to have your wife back. I do commend you for your own personal perseverence. You are going way beyond the call of duty to bring your wife back, imo.

I don't recall Plan B being used in your exact type of case but I haven't read up on pregnancy issues since I was lucky not to have that happen to my FWW.

I truly wish you the best in your very difficult case.

TooSoon

<small>[ November 08, 2004, 08:22 PM: Message edited by: TooSoonToBeComfortable ]</small>

I don't know about Dr. Phil, but I have counseled with Dr. Harley, and we had no discussions about divorce. He did ask what I wanted to achieve, and he did not even ask me to think about my choices. Although I am pretty direct with people when I have made up my mind.

I know divorce would be easier. At the very least, it would be easier than working things out with W. I have chosen otherwise, and I am fully up to the task if W wakes up. Hopefully she will be as well.

TT...

Your option to divorce is a given - a BS has the right to pursue a divorce any time he wants. Infidelity is absolutely grounds for divorce, and you have no moral obligation to stay married to someone who cheats on you.

I think if you acknowledge your shortcomings as a spouse and use the opportunity to make yourself a better person, all the better. But it's an opportunity, not an obligation.

I know how you feel. I'm not enjoying plan B a lot. I have a WS who bolted and has not looked back, from anything I've seen.

It takes time. My W left five months ago. I've seen her a handful of times since then, but not once since plan B. It's strict and firm, and from the two or three things I've heard about her since, she has no intention of coming back.

But I know she was a decent person before. I dismiss the talk of "there's no way she's ever coming back". Though I fully expect it to go that way. For now, I can try to have a life, try to build something on my own, knowing that a day will come when I'm indifferent to her.

What else can you do? You have to grieve, you have to be alone. You have to go through it. And you should not put too much pressure on yourself to be done at any point. It's only been four weeks for me, but the "plan B is wonderful; I'm having a ball" stuff is not happening. Plan B is lonely. But it is a time when you have to make a new life for yourself, even when you're not motivated. You have to go through the motions of becoming a single person.

Maybe some of the differences in how people experience plan B are circumstantial, and maybe some have to do with how close your relationship was, and maybe some have to do with how commited and loyal you are. Many, many variables.

This week I'm getting done packing the last of the stuff my W wants from the house. After that, I don't have to work around that junk in the process of creating a home for myself. I'm looking forward to that.

What are you looking forward to?

GC

TT:

I am not being critical of you for hanging in there. I just don't know at what straw would break the camel's back for me. My wife betrayed me too and betrayal is betrayal. I did not dump her for it and neither are you.

I do hope she comes back to you to give you another chance if that is what you want and is best for you.

No case on these boards are easy and the pain and suffering runs rampant. Take care.

TooSoon

I know you are not being critical. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I was just expanding on what you brought up, as I didn't know exactly what you knew or didn't know about my situation. No worries. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi TTSi,

I was just thinking about you this pm and wondering how you were doing so I am glad that you posted.

When I read your different threads, I did not realize that it has been a year....some people would not understand the amount of time that we, BS's devote and I do mean devote to this effort. Family members and friends do not want us to be hurt further so they generally don't understand our devotion to the process and our M's. I guess when we were asked the question "for better or for worst", we actually answered truthfully.

I guess the one year must be a difficult time for you. You have waited for WS to come out of the fog, exposed and found out what a b@$[censored] the OM is. On the other hand, you have demonstrated great courage and dedication to yourself and your M...esp. since you are at such a young age!

I am glad that you are in IC with SH. I was going to ask you about that. It will help tremendously.

When trajegy hits in our lives...we ask "why". My mom had a stroke and for two years, I traveled back and forth to be with her...it was often difficult to get there and she was not always in a good mood or coherent...but I went as often as I could. In the end, I had great peace of mind that I did everything that I could to be with her to help and support her. Sadness yes, but no regrets. I also found out about my great capacity to love....not love based on what my mom buy for me or do for me....but my capacity to love the essence of that person.

I have stuck in there through this ordeal pretty much for the same reasons....eventual peace of mind and because I love my H and being M'd to him. To each his own. Much criticism has been delivered on the boards lately for sticking in there. I, for one, am not looking at M as being "disposible" or quick fix like other things in life. For me, this is the only place where the institution of marriage is respected. No one likes D, but there seems to be little information out there about how to prevent it except for here.

So TTSi, I salute you for your perservance and loyalty. I hope that WS will wake up soon before it is too late. From what you have said about OM, the abandonment and hopefully not abuse should be right around the corner. Hope WS wakes up and gets out before then and returns to the safe haven that you can provide.

God bless you tonight and may he keep us safe in this journey.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{TTSi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

ss

<small>[ November 08, 2004, 11:09 PM: Message edited by: SureSurvivor ]</small>

SS,

Thank you for your thoughts. Brought a few tears to my eyes. You're right though, only those who've been here really understand. I guess it's a good thing that not everyone has to know this pain.
I don't know what will wake W up. Enough I think has transpired for it to happen by now. She's looking at losing her whole family because of this. Everything I have said about OM has been true. I have some people keeping their eyes open, so if I do find out there is abuse, W will have one last chance to come home. I won't allow that to continue.

TTSi,

I hope you are okay.

I think about the situation of our WS's and I wonder why some people want consistent instead of good. I read on the boards how certain WS's stay in, what seems to me, unhealth and destructive so called relationships/A's. I think what kind of negative self-image does that person have to stay in that place when they have a better alternative. Such is the nature of addiction I guess. WS's is so fogged that can't see past it....or want out and don't know how...and fall back in.

They say, that hindsight is 20/20 vision. I feel glad for our clarity and the vision we have developed that comes with time. We have the 20/20 vision NOW because we did not walk quickly past the pain and then look back. We are looking hard at the situation through the pain. This does not mean we don't have limits or self-respect...it means, we are in the moment.

Now enough of the seriousness....what are you doing for fun?

{{{{{{{{smiles}}}}}}}}}}}} ss

For fun?

I will admit, it is really tough to have fun. What tends to ruin it is always having those thoughts of how much better whatever I was enjoying would be if she were there with me.

But other than work, which is fun for me, I spend most of my free time on the weekends at the family lake house. Either watching movies, or when its a warm day, jumping on the jetskis and tooling around the lake.
I spend some time here or there working on the house, as it is still a 'work in progress.'
Mostly I stay close to my family.

Oh yes,

Movies...Star Wars, right?

I think my problem is my ability to keep myself entertained which makes me a Plan B person to the core...I can have fun by myself and have been trying to train myself to get back into the "we" part of M.

Lake house sounds good...movies, reading, self-reflection, but what about any new good hobbies or recreation? Maybe it is time to take up something new. Take it from someone who is a bit of a workaholic...me...it is time for something fun! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I have a hard time with that. Finding new hobbies and things to do. A lot of the time I just feel paralyzed, unable to do or get anything done. All because of dealing with all this.
I don't know. A lot of what I feel probably has to do with me putting too much of myself into the M. I didn't know any other way though.

TTSI:

I wish I had some words that could help you with your situation. It is very difficult but you seem strong. I know what it feels like to be frozen from depression and pain.

This has got to be a learning process of some sort that you are supposed to go through and, in time, maybe something positive will happen as a result of this tough time. Somehow, keep up the faith and pray that a breakthrough will happen for your family. I will be thinking of you.

TooSoon

TTSi, I understand how you feel...the numbness and the funk. I felt that too.

At some point, I decided that making myself a better person included outside activities. I started with physical exertion which is big for me...because I was on the ABE program (anything but exercise). At first I walked, then I found an exercise class that I adore. It burned off my anger and depression and gave me energy. So jet skiing is good--what else might interest you? Race-walking? Lacross? Curling? Just some ideas.

Mostly tonight, TTSi, I am just sending my support your way. This has been a tough road and we'll make it. I hope you will consider or try something new...but if not, I'm still behind you a hundred percent <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Take care.

Well, about the only thing that I had a serious personal drive behind was bodybuilding.
I was doing pretty good at it, but that all went in the toilet once this all started. I'm hoping to restart it again, but it's something I can't do right now. To do it properly, you can't really have major stress in your life. Stress burns major calories. The same calories that would be used in gaining muscle. I'm hopeful that once that is not much of a factor anymore that I'll be able to get back into it.

Considering how much I weighed when this all started, I do have one thing I can say that I don't think anyone else here can....
Although most people here have lost a good amount of weight going through these things
I'm probably the first that can say I lost 100lbs on the betrayal diet.

TTSi,

Oh yes.....the betrayal diet is better than any OTC drug or exercise program for burning weight. And it does sound like you have a record with your amt. of weight loss. I lost 17 pounds and regained ten, now want to loss back 5. More roller coaster stuff.

Anywho....the body building thing sounds intense.... again, I was an ABE person. Is there a related activity? There are so many variations and fun new things to try. I went for a cardio class with one of those exercise balls...I love it...just bouncing around on the ball with childlike abandonment. It is given at a yoga studio...it sounds so new age, but it sure helped me with burning energy and breathing...sometimes I just needed to breath.

Anyway...keep your eyes and ears open for ideas..you never know what might strike your fancy. I found the exercise flyer at a Starbucks! It got me, the ABE person to try. Keep looking around...it will be out there!

<small>[ November 10, 2004, 12:43 AM: Message edited by: SureSurvivor ]</small>

Well, just got the news tonite.
I guess W gave birth late last month.
Her parents got a picture in email. W didn't say anything in the mail, just the picture.

Really don't know how to feel right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Oh, I am so sorry TTSi. She isn't in contact with her parents, either? How lonely and defeating that must be. How are you handling it? What is your next step? Or are you in an onhold mode?
{{{{{TTSi}}}}}

No, she's not in contact with her parents. They won't have anything to do with her because of this. The picture I think was her way of trying to get them to respond to her. It didn't work.

Right now I just feel alone. Not the no one around here to talk to alone, the alone within myself feeling. It's very dark, and I don't like it.
What do I do now? I don't know. Nothing much to do.

AWW NUTS! TTSi. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I feel your pain, I really do. One day at a time. That is all we can do. That dark place is BAD BAD BAD. I don't know about you but when I get to that place, I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to hide. Of course, I also know that is the worst thing to do. Well, to be honest, what I really NEED is someone to hold me, take care of me and tell me everything will be okay. Someone who will be strong for me. Instead of fighting this ugly and lonely battle by myself. PHOOEY, am I helping? Probably not. Just know that there are lots of folks here who care.