This is totally off-topic for the infidelity board, but I need you guys' advice BADLY!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

First, found out that OW has offered to let DD live with them if she'd like. So much for OW repeatedly promising me they had no intentions of taking her away from me. And she's considering it.

But that's small compared to this:

Bad night tonight with DD, and I was trying for once to stand my ground and not let her walk on me. Simply asked her to load the D/W and it became a major fiasco for her--angry, cursing, ranting.

I maintained my calm on the outside. Talked calmly and slowly and matter-of-factly. Told her I wanted respect. (Inside, I was seething)

So, I'm in my bedroom cooling off after she threw dishes and silverware all over the kitchen floor, trying to decide what my next move was...

And I hear her screaming on the phone in her room. And I hear...

"I can't help it if your son knocked me up!!"

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<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I don't even know what to say...what to do...how to act. Her life...toast, if she is. And I feel very guilty because I also am thinking how that's just one more nail in my coffin of never being able to find love again if I'm supporting a teen mother and a baby (and I don't even have the money to support two people with no child support).

I am angry at her. I am hurt for her. I'm not sure it's the real deal yet. Her period isn't due for several more days, so I'm not sure how accurate her test was. But she had a very crampy, bad period last month so it's possible she is PG and it's been going on for over a month.

I am sick, if it's true. I am totally against abortion. I won't give my approval for her to get one if she's PG, but if she chooses to anyway, I am left to deal with it.

I also found out from what little she said, that OW and STBXH already know about this and that OW is taking her to Planned Parenthood tomorrow for another test.

Why do they keep these things from me? Why do they lie to me.

How do I deal with all this?????

LL

My first reaction would be to ask her about it. If this is true, she's got WAY too much on her plate right now, and she needs her mom.
Myself, I'd begin by telling her how much I loved her and that, you know, are not going to throw a stink about this. That you are there for her no matter what.

LL, I would reach out to her if you can.

Let her see that you are not sanctimonius and hypocritical, but are kind and compassionate and will help her if you can.

I don't have kids, but I know they don't make stuff like this any easier.

Try, if you can, to not flip out, and try, if you can, to hope for the best and expect the worst.

And LL, don't let the chaos in your life define you.

GC

I remember....when I was 17 I found out that I was pregnant.

I was completely TERRIFIED to tell my mother. She had ALWAYS been a single mother.....and unfortunately not a very good one....but that's a completely different story.

I kept my secret for almost a month before I got up the courage to tell her. I went into it imagining the worst....the yelling.....the berating......the "lecture".

I got none of that.

What I got was the last thing I expected.

Support

My mother couldn't help me in any way financially, emotionally, physically. She wasn't capable of that kind of support......but she understood what I was going through. I think that understanding is the BEST sort of support that you could give your daughter right now.....after all...the deed is done.

I'm sorry to hear about this as it makes me sad....I have a 14 yr old daughter and this worries me......although she's more into school than boys right now and swears that she will not have sex before she is married. I hope that is true.

Please.....if it comes back that she IS pregnant....support her in any way you can. It's as hard for her as it is for you.

I am dying right now.

OW just came and picked my daughter up and took her to stay with them tonight.

I am being calm. I am being loving. I have not yelled. I did admit I was disappointed, but that I wanted to help her.

Instead, she calls OW, because she identifies with her (OW was a first-time mom at 16). OW told me, just now as she was taking my daughter, that she would not discourage my daughter's choice to live with them if she decided that's what she wants.

So, she's taking daughter tomorrow for a PG test. The only thing I found we all agree on right now is that we are all against abortion.

Other than that, I'm watching everything in my life blow up right now. I want to be here for my daughter, but the woman who stole my husband is doing a fine job stealing my daughter, too.

And I'm here alone. Can't even call my family on this one yet because they'll absolutely freak out. So, no one to call. It's even too late to call my pastor.

I am scared. I am really scared. Of everything.

LL

And to drive the knife in a little deeper:

When OW came to my door to get DD, in plain sight was a very large, blood-red hickie on her neck. Always good to remember that she (who is still legally married) and my STBXH have wild, kinky sex all the time.

And this is where my daughter should go live?

LL

Is there some way you can go...

Take her for the test yourself, without coming across heavy-handed.

She is your daughter. OW she can I.D. with or not.

Who's in charge here?

GC

And finally, who is to blame for not pushing the birth control issue with my daughter? I hated admitting she was even doing that. That has been a crushing blow. And we have talked about birth control. I offered to take her in and get her on the pill. But she didn't want to go through the exam. She avoided me on the issue, and I dropped it.

I was reminded of how I failed my daughter in this area tonight by OW. And she's right. I pick up DD two days per week from school. Why didn't I just make her an appointment and demand that she go.

But I didn't. OW probably would have.

I am really trying to see the good in all this but failing in a big way right now.

Maybe what God's plan is is to take away everything that is meaningful to me in this world so that I can focus on him only (I say this in all seriousness).

And if my daughter goes away, the only other things that really mean anything to me are my puppies and my house. And if I have to pay child support instead of receive it, the house will go and I'll be in a small apartment.

And small apartments don't allow two 80lb dogs.

So that'd pretty much take care of all of it. Should I pick a date on a calendar by which I imagine this all will have taken place?

Yes, I am a little down on things right now. I'm not sure how one is supposed to react when within approximately one year's time, one's spouse of 19 years ditches them for a younger woman, their first child leaves the nest and moves away to college, their second child gets expelled from school, admits she's sexually active, and then comes home very probably pregnant.

There are no good "how-to" books on this one that I'm aware of.

LL

A couple of questions I think you should ask yourself,

Why did you let OW come pick up your DD? Couldn't you have told her "No"

Why are you worried about paying child support? Last time I checked, custody is always given to the mother unless she can be proved 'unfit'

GC,

Had she not gone to stay the night with her father and OW, yes I could have taken her tomorrow. But she's gone.

I seem to have no control. That's the problem. She's 15, and if she chooses to go stay with STBX and OW, there's not one single thing I can do about it, because there is no formal visitation agreement written up in our temporary orders. It just says that I have physical custody right now, but that she can freely see her dad.

The OW did say she'd call me and let me know what they find out tomorrow, but I believe that about as much as I believe anything else that spews out of her mouth.

And I don't dare go near their apartment to try and pick my daughter up because they've already threatened a restraining order due to my blow up last week.

LL

LL...

Events spin out of control. Seas are rough. Will you be tossed about, or will you surf?

Surf!

You have power. See where, and use it where you can.

Poor you, you'd better believe it! Poor all of us. I think you're experiencing a major "suck it up" moment.

In everything you do in the next few days, ask yourself, will I admire myself, or will I regret doing this or not doing that?

My thoughts are with you this evening, LL.

GC

I'll be the ocean so deep and wide
And catch all the tears whenever you cry
I'll be the breeze after the storm is gone
To dry your eyes and love you warm

TTSi,

Why did you let OW come pick up your DD? Couldn't you have told her "No"

I did tell my daughter I didn't want her to go, but OW was already on her way to my house by time I even found out the plans had been made. When she arrived, making a scene and refusing to let my daughter go seemed to be a bad idea given how the evening had already played out.

Why are you worried about paying child support? Last time I checked, custody is always given to the mother unless she can be proved 'unfit'

There seems to be a magical age here in Iowa (around 13) where the judge will entertain the childs wishes of where they want to live. If my daughter, who is 15, decides she'd rather go live with STBXH, he'd become the custodial parent and I'd get stuck with a visitation schedule and paying child support to HIM. And OW is making it VERY clear to my daughter just what her rights are.

Fine, if STBX had been a great dad. But where was he for all the school conferences, IEP meetings, the doctor and therapist appointments, the school social functions? In fact, where was he when it came to taking care of the kids? Cooking meals? Being there to play with them in the evenings and on weekends?

He wasn't there at all. I think he'd have to be in jail or be proven totally unfit for the judge not to grant custody to him if that's where DD wanted to go, though.

We'll know possibly within the week. The final decree is written with me having custody. If they sign it that way, then I maintain custody until/unless they choose to pay an attorney to take me back to court.

However, if DD decides this week that she wants to go live with them, then they probably won't sign the decree as it stands.

GC,

I am falling apart, aren't I? This is where I'm supposed to have a husband's shoulder to lean on, when we have major kid issues. Or I'm supposed to have a really good friend I can call night or day. Or maybe it's a really close family member?? Don't have any of those.

I'm very close to my sis--the only person in my family I'm comfortable discussing personal issues with, but if I talk to her, she'll spill the beans to my mom, and then my phone will ring off the hook 24hrs/day with advice, worries, questions, more advice, more worries and more questions. This is the same mother who still asks me daily if I've heard from my STBXH and what's up with him, and goes on and on about how she and my dad just can't understand why he'd do what he's doing.

I'm tired of hearing that after 10 months. I don't want to add this to it right now.

So it's mighty quiet here right now. Guess I could talk to the dogs about it. We've talked about a lot. They're very understanding.

Sorry, I do need to "suck it up". Given some time to react to everything, I'll probably be better again. Tomorrow, and this next week will be a long one, though.

LL

LL..

To a fellow Iowan..I'm on my way..I'll be there June(ish) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Yes..laws do favor emancipation of the teen a lot of the time.

I wish I had some encouraging revelation..but I think all answers fall short tonight.

Tonight is for YOU to gather yourself..and grieve..and plan.

Noodle

My goodness, what a painful situation! First of all, what legal right does the OW have to take your minor daughter for any kind of medical test? Is your WS going along too to sign for consent?? Secondly, your daughter is working this situation for all it's worth. And she knows that it's worth a lot! If your WS and OW are so dog-gone concerned about your daughter's wellbeing, don't they get it that them allowing you daughter to pull this sh-- is not in her best interest in the long run? They're doing her no favors. They are assisting her in being defiant to you. That's real healthy parenting on their behalf...NOT! So don't get so down on yourself about the issue of WS and OW's relationship with your daughter. They want to be "nicey friends"...and that's not what our children need. And furthermore...what makes them "fit" to parent your daughter on a full time basis when you're WS is not even divorced from you, nor is OW from her husband?? It's easy to be a parent when all you have to do is "relate" and say "yes".. It's the "no's" that are tough. And the OW talking about how you failed your daughter in the area of birth control?? Please, the OW and your WS failed to teach your daughter about commitment and faithfulness. As well as the OW showing up with a hickey to pick your daughter up.

What I'm trying to show, is that you are a much better parent than you give yourself credit for. Your life has been turned upside down,not by your choice, and you have been the one to deal with all the crap. Who issued the Temporary Orders? Why did they give you physical custody? Someone must have thought you meritted it! Besides,,, if your DD does move in with OW and WS, they might not find themselves in such a happy little love nest anymore! Teens have a way of doing that! Don't give up the battle yet! Final court orders are not in. You may be able to have people (pastor) speak on your behalf about your parenting abilities. There may be a review by the court of the fitness of both parents to parent. Whatever you do...do not give up and give in at this point. If you say "Ok you take her." then you relinquish custody. This would not look good in court. Your DD may go there, but state to your WS and OW that you are not agreeing with her being there full time. Perhaps even consider sending them a letter, through registered mail, with a statement to the effect that while the court said your daughter could have contact with her father, you are not in agreement with her being with them on a full time basis. You want your time with her. No threats...just statement of facts. Even if it doesn't happen because daughter refuses...it still shows the court that you did not willingly give up any kind of custody. Obviously your best bet would be to speak with an attorney.

And if your daughter is pregnant...adoption is an option. Or perhaps your WS and the OW who "can understand you DD better because she was pregnant at 16" can financially support your daughter and baby, so you don't have to on your own.

I'm not telling you to do or act on any of the things I've mentioned. I'd just like to encourage you to not give up hope so early in the game. Your daughter needs you whether she knows it or not.

P.S. When I divorced I was worried about having to give up my dog because of needing to move to an apartment. She was the only consistent love in my life. I ended up finding a small 2 bedroom house, on a lake, to rent for the price of an apartment. They agreed to let me have my dog, as long as I'd cover any costs if she did damages. God was good to me. I never saw that blessing coming until it was dropped in my lap one day. I never even dreamed that I could live in such a beautiful place, with my dog!

Thanks for all the positive statements about my parenting. Right now I just wish I could see a little of it.

I just agreed, after a long call from DD, OW and STBXH, to sign and have notarized, a statement saying I allow her to go to Paris with them at the end of the month.

I've never been overseas. I was very hurt when I found out STBXH was taking OW there. But now, to have them take my baby girl on their trip is about beyond what I can take.

Yet, if I don't sign the statement willingly, he threatened to go around me thru an attorney, since he IS her father. That would not look good for me to not allow my daughter to go on a vacation with dad.

I don't want her to go. I don't want her with them. And guess what--if she spends two weeks being carted around France with them, considering they already let her smoke and do pretty much whatever she wants, do you think she's going to want to live with me (who doesn't have the $ to do much fun stuff) or with them, who will have a LOT more $ once we're DV, because he gets 1/2 of my retirement.

I feel like I lost the war. (And then OW reminded me, it's not about me, it's about my daughter). Whatever, feels like it's about me tonight because everything I've worked so hard to raise for the last 15 years (and apparently done a lousy job considering all the trouble she's been in) is going to just turn and walk away from me, just like her dad did.

And if it weren't enough that I am blowing everything else and bawling like a baby on the phone, but I used the Lord's name in vain probably 5 times. I NEVER do that.

Now I question if I'm even a believer, or if I'm just deluding myself, because every time I'm seriously squeezed like this, I say horrible things, instead of responding in love like Jesus would have.

I'm going to take some Xanax and hope it kicks in soon and go to bed. Not much will right now to continue functioning. (NO--not suicidal. Believe taking my life is wrong.) But seriously thinking that if I just quit breathing, that might be a good thing for all parties involved.

Sorry, major suck-it-up moment and I can't do it. Guess it takes a while for the shock and hurt to all settle down.

LL

Oh, and as for OW taking my daughter for the PG test, she's not taking her to her doctor. She's taking her to a place like Planned Parenthood (except this place doesn't push abortions). Just like Planned Parenthood, you can go there before you are 18 and you don't need a parent's permission.

She has promised to call me as soon as they find out tomorrow.

LL

LL,

I feel for you and everything your going through...

I realize your trying to keep some civility but...

Why are you letting OW take your daughter to an appointment without her mother?

Your daughter needs you to be there. She is a teenager and will make sure you think she doesn't need you...but she does.

If I were you, I would show up tomorrow at that appointment and support your daughter no matter how much flak you get from her or OW. She will thank you later in life. Trust me.

She's only got one mom, and she will need you for the rest of her life.

I know how much pain your in....don't be a doormat with her...but don't allow her to push you away either. You do what feels right...and be proud. Even if she gives you crap...at the end of the day you will be at peace because you gave it your best.

My thoughts are with you,

Rachel <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

hey LL. what you and your dd are going thru right now is my worst fear.as i told you once before, my d is out of control.i hope to never have to deal with what you are going thru. i was pregnant at 16. even though my mom wasnt into disapline or boundaries of any kind, i still was terrified to tell her until i was 3 and a half months.maybe your dd's yelling what she did was her way of letting you know her situation?i cant think of any other rational explanation for it.i think maybe she does want you to go, stand up to OW and go anyway. she's your d, you dont have to let that tramp (OW) push you into a scene. your d is young now, maybe she doesnt realize how trashy OW and WH are , but she will later on in life when she looks back. be there for her and go tomorrow. oh and BTW, if shes not get her on some birth control.better safe than sorry.

LL. Hi, there. I am so sorry that this is happening. My oldest DD was a terror for a number of years. And , she went through the same "I might be pregnant" thing.

I really get how you feel about the dogs. No judgements, etc. And I am in the same boat. I have 2 100 lb dogs and 2 cats. AND, I have to sell my house. But don't get ahead of yourself. By focussing on what MIGHT happen, you are not dealing with the current issues.

I hope that this post is helpful and not seen as judgemental. From my own experience, when I have been overwhelmed, someone suggesting things that I can do gave me focus. And, I have commented on what I "heard" you say. Perhaps it is just the way you have written. But, if I "heard" things a certain way, perhaps, that is what your DD and WH hear as well. Just something else to think about. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

First things first. Take a breath, step back and think about this. YOUR actions and reactions will determine how your DD feels about you. NOT your WHs. No matter what he says or said about you to DD, it is what YOU do and how YOU react that determines the respect or lack of it that you get from your children.

You are the one that needs to be in control. NOT WH or OW. You STILL have physical custody. Whether the final papers are signed or not.

Do not let your shock further damage your relationship with your D. When your WH threatened you about giving permission to go to Paris, you sounded upset that you had never been to Paris and the OW is going. THAT is not the issue here. DD is YOUR daughter not OW's. Even if she is 15, you are still her mother.
This is not a time to fall apart. Nor is it a time to cave on your WHs demands. Let him go through the attorney. Your daughter is still a minor, she lives with you and should be in school. Not vacation time. You need to STAND up not only for yourself but for your DD.

Some POSITIVE things you could do:
Talk to your lawyer. Get the facts about what your rights and your DD's are.

Go to the Planned Parenthood. It is not about you or the OW. It is about your DD. You NEED to be there for her. If she is pregnant, she will see that you will stand by her no matter what. If she is not, then she will still know that you love her enough to get past your pain about the WH & OW to be there for her.

Whatever the outcome, take your DD to your IC. INSIST on it. She is troubled and crying out for help. BE STRONG for her and for yourself.

These, of course are just my opinions and observations. I will say a prayer for you and DD.

Good Luck and be strong. You and your daughter are worth it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Am still reeling from everything so will write more later.

Message from OW: "You are not going to be a grandma."

I called back. PG test was negative, though since my daugher isn't technically "late" yet, they want her to come back in a week if she still hasn't gotten her period, and they'll redo the test.

Actually, we're still waiting in a week, I will take her to her pediatrician and have them run a blood test. They are very accurate.

She is going to Paris. I am not happy. School is not happy. OW and STBX are happy.

So I wait, and hope, and pray on everything else, and feel that God is far, far away today because of the bad language I used and the hateful thoughts I had (have?) toward STBXH and OW.

LL