first off you have NOT lost me. I am still listening, taking things in, and I have already contacted my sons school.

MP..

I can beat that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I was held literally at gunpoint by my drunk and stoned father.

Never once prevented me from making my kids breakfast <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Noodle

K,

If you think your kids are in danger you have an obligation to do something about it. Because no one else will. No one else is living your life so they can't make that decision for you. But if you DO feel they are in danger you have to do whatever it takes to make sure they safe.

Hang in there. It really sounds like your kids need you on their side. Forget your mother's and H's sides. Think about your kids side.

Miker

Good one, Noodle!

Fine KMEJ, you don't want to get an advocate for yourself, FINE. But please don't keep posting about how much you care for your children unless you are willing to put your money where your mouth is.

I have FOUR kids myself KMEJ and I would do ANYTHING to protect MY children including LEAVE my husband if I felt they were in danger from him. Do I need to remind you that when your H throws YOU against the wall, YOUR bones are much less likely to break then THEIRS????? What on earth are you waiting for?????

kmej,

Sorry to hear about this unnecessary stress. If the dad, won't get up in time to get breakfast for the children, what else is he neglecting?

I recommend you check out the local women's abuse shelter options. You may qualify for daycare at reduced rates.

My concern is what your 7 yr old is going through and what you don't know about your younger ones.

What reason does your spouse give for NOT doing his fair share? What will he do to make sure he does?

I know this is quite stressful but the permanent damage to your children is worse. While your mom does not like your H, her reasons are gaining credibility. Your H on the other hand is losing it. To give into your H's abusiveness by giving into his needs, is not good for anyone.

Does your work provide for any IC or MC? If so, see if you can take advantage of it.

This is hard but survivable.

take care,
L.

I am not trying to make excuses. I am looking for possible solutions aside from the whole closeing the door on my H in our life. I am looking for ways to approch this subject with my Husband to make it actually sink in. I am trying to do who knows what- Probably just enough to make the whole matter go away. I DO NOT know how to approch this subject, or deal with this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> noodle
Member
Member # 36298

posted November 09, 2004 01:00 PM
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MP..

I can beat that

I was held literally at gunpoint by my drunk and stoned father.

Never once prevented me from making my kids breakfast

Noodle </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't get me going....remember...I said that wasn't even half of it....I left the BAD stuff out.

Are we gonna do a my childhood sucked so bad thing now? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I would like to add....that my mother and I have a GREAT relationship now.....as she is and always will be my mother....and I cannot change that. Even though she sucked at being a mother. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am not trying to make excuses </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No....your letting your H do that for you.

JMHO.......

Option 1:
You stay and continue the way you are.

Option 2:
Your H agrees to get help with HIS problems.....yes...he has problems.....whether he wants to admit them or not. He needs help. You set an amount of time for him to allow for a change...and stick to it. If no change....then he's gone.

Option 3:
You tell him to get out. If he won't leave....seek assistance in getting him to leave.

Option 4:
You leave and take the kids with you.

No matter what......YOU NEED TO TAKE CHARGE!

Give him ultimatums....piss him off....tell him how it is.....I don't care......but you need to quit taking his crap.

The above is bound to get a few people riled up......but at this point.....I really don't care.

You say it's so easy to see what you need to do.....but you don't seem to be willing to do it.

Do you want to be married or do you want disfunctional children?

<small>[ November 09, 2004, 01:15 PM: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</small>

We could do "Yo Momma" instead. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Just making a point..or rather..reinforcing your point.

Noodle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Will it ever end? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not unless you make it end.

K,

I think you need to get to the bottom of what M said about DS4. Can you talk to him or have someone else talk to him and see if you can verify that?

That would really scare me if it was the truth.

M

All kidding aside..

KMEJ..here's the thing. It isn't that he doesn't understand ..it's that he doesn't want to change.

You are not meeting ignorance from him..you are meeting resistance.

No one is advising you to close the door on your M [well, possibly LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ]

What you are being told..time and again is this..

1) Your current situation is not acceptable

and

2) Your H will not change until and unless he is in unbearable discomfort where he is. He is more likely to do it IF he has a good reason to do it.

You are making him comfortable where he is and asking how to TALK him into change.

And what you are resisting..is being told in many ways by many people that THIS WILL NOT WORK.

Noodle

I still do not know how to approch this topic with my H. what do I say, hey we need to talk about this?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> I am not trying to make excuses. I am looking for possible solutions aside from the whole closeing the door on my H in our life. I am looking for ways to approch this subject with my Husband to make it actually sink in. I am trying to do who knows what- Probably just enough to make the whole matter go away. I DO NOT know how to approch this subject, or deal with this. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kmej,

The way I approached it to my WS was that I exchanged the word 'love' for 'safe'. I let the WS know that H did not make us feel safe. Even others are seeing it. When he asked who the others were I gave some names and then said there are others (whose names I did not give). Let him know that if he could not make us feel safe, it was critical we find safety. I didn't explain what my words meant. Instead I watched his actions and next words.

If he asked in an angry way, I had a plan on what to do. I did not give him a forwarning, I enacted. If he asked in a nicer way, I watched for hidden agendas. If I felt safe, we worked on a plan where he carried the major part of work. Still doing my responsibilities, he learned to carry more.

In our case initially he got angry. My request for safety hurt his pride and put up his defenses. This was my cue to go to a safer place. Plan B.

You have more options than you realize. Put your support group on notice of what maybe coming and size up how they can help you.

take care,
L.

KMEJ,

If your husband cares AT ALL about his children, he'll drop his defensiveness and LISTEN.

The key here, it seems to me, is to make it clear that you are not taking sides in a dispute between he and your mom. You are on the side of the CHILDREN - HIS CHILDREN.

Are you telling me that if a school counselor told your husband that one of his kids had a problem...your husband would not care?

Noodle <--- Liking Orchids plan. Plan O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> KMEJ
Member
Member # 37888

posted November 09, 2004 02:17 PM
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I still do not know how to approch this topic with my H. what do I say, hey we need to talk about this? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How have you approached any other topic that you have dicussed with your H?

It doesn't matter how you approach it....your H is going to get defensive about this. He's going to blame it on others....especially your mother....he's not going to take responsibility for it....he may even blame you for it all.

Your H sounds alot like mine was.....about 6 years ago.

Replacing certain words for other words probably isn't going to do you any good. He'll take it the same either way. You blaming him for something he doesn't feel responisible for.

You say....we need to talk about this calmly. Please let me have my say without interupting me or getting angry. Our children should be our first priority and this needs to be taken care of.

Tell him how you feel about what your son said.....not about what your mother said.....it will only make him angry. Tell him what your concerns are about your sons thinking this way. Tell him about your decision to call in a 3rd party concerning your son.....if he doesn't like it....that's tough...it's out of his hands now.
Tell him what your concerns are about his sleeping and making your 7 yr old take over the responibilities that should be taken care of by an adult. He needs to know that he's telling his children that he doesn't care enough about them to take care of their basic needs.......that really makes a person feel good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

You also need to tell him how you feel about this in whole. Are you really willing to let your children suffer so you can stay married to this man that completely ignores you for the most part?

He's acting like a child that needs to be coached in every little thing....when actually he's an adult with the capabilities to make his own decisions without the help of anyone. He's not a complete idiot.

You on the other hand are still waiting for him to make all these changes....and nothing is happening. He needs a little nudge........too bad I only wear a size 5.....I'd give him that little nudge.

If he can't make these changes for his children....do you really think he will make the changes he needs to make to be with you?

It's not about the fact of him knowing about the changes he needs to make.....he has acknowledged them.......he just doesn't want to put forth the effort. In his mind.....you'll always be around.......and every little time that he thinks you may be slipping in another direction....he'll throw you a little bone and bring you right back in....where HE wants you.

The ball is in your court. The decisions are all yours......we cannot tell you how best to approach this....I personally don't know enough about your H to tell you how best to do it.....other than just come out and say it.

heard back from sons school counselor, he is now in a group at his school, and she will continue to talk with him if I like.

Got home from work. Talked with H. Not sure much sunk in. Told him we needed to sit down and talk unintereupted.

KEMJ,

Wow... this is a tough one. I may have missed it, but I'm assuming that your H is working nights and sleeps during the day... and I'm assuming that both of you must work to pay all of your bills.

Have you considered downsizing your lifestyle so that your family can live on just your H's salary?

...Because IMHO, you really can't afford the "cost" of you working if you look at what your boys are "paying" for you to work... and that "cost" is going to get higher and higher for each one of your boys as they grow up.

I've seen so many young families that try to have it all... nice house, two cars, nice clothes, vacations... and then they complain that both parents have to work and that they can't "afford" day care. Only problem with having all of this "stuff" is that it's always accompanied with a big mortgage payment, two car payments, and credit card debt.

I'm not throwing stones at your family...but IMHO, it could be that you and your H are living above your means at the expense of your boys...

Take a good hard look at your own financial situation and see if this might be an option to discuss with your H...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

That is a good point.
however-
we have only 1 car payment
we take no vacations
we buy our clothes on clearence
our house payment is cheaper then rent
we rarely ever go out to eat or on dates or to movies
we use coupons at the grocery store
we use family to babysit- so it is free, or cost us a meal out here or there
our internet is dial-up so $10 a month


I wish we could down size something, I am just not sure what that may be.

I told my H today that he needs to look at going to straight days and I will quit my day job and work strickly nights, so that he is not the one in charge in the morning. he is looking into it.