I've been married for 16 years and have 3 children ages 7, 9, and 11. During this time I was a fairly heavy drinker. I was pretty much a happy drunk, but when provoked I would get very defensive and argumentative. Fights were extremely rare in our marriage. Over the past 2 years I've felt pushed away from my wife. She started a Masters Degree and that added on top of her already busy schedule (work, girl scout leader, school board member, etc) left her no time for us. I'd try to talk, but she'd always bark that she has a paper due, etc. She's always very short tempered with the kids and vents a lot of that anger on me. Also over the past 2 years my drinking increased to a point where I became uncomfortable with it. I made a conscious effort to try and improve myself around our anniversary last June. I tried to cut back on the beers (with varying success) and be more attentive and affectionate with her. I noticed she was shunning my romantic advances. Finally, in mid-July I asked her why we not so intimate anymore. She lashed out with a “it’s about time you noticed”. The conversation then went to her feeling ‘empty’ and that she had thoughts of leaving. That was my wake up call to sober up (done) and try to be a perfect husband, doing all the things she would like.

Shortly after exiting detox we went out with some friends and had a great time. But something bothered me. She and a male friend seemed a little to familiar with each other. I chalked it up to my mixed emotions from alcohol. A week later I get a whopping cell phone bill. Mostly calls to this friend of hers. I confronted her about the calls and she said it was some friend from work. I called the number and he answered (its his cell phone number) and he denied talking to wife a lot on the phone. Make a long story short it appears to be an emotional affair that started around Christmas 2003. The contact has virtually stopped but they still run into each other since they are both on the school board and our son is in the same class as his kid.

Now its 4 months later and I still get the ILYBINILWY stuff. I’ve read numerous books on fixing marriages, but she refuses. I asked her about marriage counseling and was met with extreme hostility. She still fills her schedule and has no time for me or the kids. She still yells at them and directs anger towards me. I logically know I had nothing to do with what angered her, but yet I still internalize it. I’m lucky to get a kiss hello and good bye. We are both seeing physiotherapists, but individually. She outright refuses to discuss our love issue. Refuses any joint counseling, ALANON, etc.

She says she’s “disconnected” from me and doesn’t know if it can be fixed. I’ve noticed she has “disconnected” herself from everyone. Her sisters have remarked on her changes over the past 2 years, she avoids her mother. Now she’s taken on a full time job (night shift) and will make herself scarcer. She seems happier if I just pretend nothings wrong, and has said this is what she wants. But yet there is her feelings of not loving me.

I have all sorts of anxiety - comes and goes. I can't function right anymore.

What do I do?

Welcome to MB,

Glad to see you are taking steps to deal with your internal issues. As for your family issues, I recommend you do the following:

1. Read the concepts section above.
2. Take the Emotional Needs quesitionnaire.
3. Call Jennifer or Steve @ MB.
4. Read Surviving an affair, His Needs/Her Needs (both are by Dr W. Haley). Also read Love must be tough by Dr. James Dobson.

5. Keep posting here.
6. Know that your W did have at least an EA and that is hard to break.
7. Know that your W will accuse you of reverting back to your old self. Regardless of her accusations, let her know your changes are within your control. She can choose to be supportive or attack it and be the reason you revert to your old self. The importance is that you don't take her guilt. You already have a lot on your plate, you don't need to carry her guilt.

That's for starters.

take care,
L.

It sounds like she feels she put up with a lot for a long time - and now she is trying to pay you back. Don't take it personally, but you could try this approach... acknowledge that you were neglectful in the past each time you try to initiate conversations about the future. And you can tell her that you don't blame her for being upset about the past, but that you hope she will be able to put that behind you someday so that you can have a meaningful future. What woman doesn't want to be asked for a meaningful future? I am glad you are hanging in there and I hope you are extra careful to give the kids the love they need. Do you think your wife is a workaholic? You can talk to your counselor about patterns in your-and-her communication styles, too - to see if there is any "punctuation" going on - where each of you are blaiming the other or "reacting" to the other (it sounds like it might be). Then you can change the "punctuation" game rules, and hopefully see some progress.

Alcoholism is a family disease.

Being married to a newly sober alcoholic is no picnic. Sobriety alone does not fix the family. The entire family dynamic has a history of being centered around the alcoholic's moods ... and sobriety does not automatically change that dynamic!

The long-term disconnect is not unusual as a self-protective mechanism for the sober spouse. It will not go away just because you are sober since July. It took your wife 16 years to reach this point of disconnect, and it will take longer than 4 months to change to a "connect".

You have not met your W's needs for more than a decade... do you even know what her needs are?

She has no history of getting her needs met in th marriage. Why should she expect anything different now?

Do you understand what Plan A is???

Pep

I've repeatedly asked her what her needs are - even pointed out the exercise in His/Her Needs book. She has stated she's not sure what her needs are. She refused to even as much as open the book.

Then you take the EN questionnare as if you are her. The point is to give you some sort of gauge. If she doesn't want to participate, then let her be. She isn't playing nicely anyway....why would you want to her as she is? She may give you the wrong answers just because she is pissed. See WS' don't like to get help. They'd rather manipulate you to enable the A or their WS personality. I am sure you don't want t/b used that way right?

L.

Mark - Sorry that you are going through this but you are lucky to have found this site.

As you have been informed by others, your wife has 16+ years of possible abuse (emotional by the sounds of it) that she has been dealing with and obviously repressing. She is going to be angry / disappointed / and now disconnected from you as a saftey mechanism.

You will need to win this inch by inch, that is you will need lots of understanding, love, empathy and patience. You are going to need to develope a hide that is thick as an elephants for the next "x" months becuase your wife will more than likely say some very hurtful things. Note the way that you are presently feeling, that's how she probbaly felt for quite a long time.

Work real hard on improving yourself, follow the MB principles and don't appear needy or expect anything in return for your kindeness (for some time anyway).

If you are truly sorry and put in the effort in you will have a good chance of resolving your differences.

BE PATIENT!!! Cheers R-Man

Thanks R-man,

I'm trying very hard to that. The problem I'm having is patients. I feel very anxious all to often. I obsess over this whole thing. I'm in therapy by myself and I get some good advice, but putting it into practice is so hard. I often wonder what’s on her mind. I hesitate to ask because usually she says ‘nothing’ or she gets angered. That’s why I’m choosing to live your suggestion of let her be and act nice. I have a hard time getting her out of mind. My work suffers, and I can’t stand being away from her, etc. I just want to hold her forever. Things that I would look forward to, like kids soccer games, are not the same, I can’t fully enjoy them anymore.

My question is how to stop my obsessing. Anyone ever feel this way? It’s been months. I’m seriously considering medication. Any advice, anyone?

It's obvious that your W has a lot of resentment towards you which comes out in angry outbursts towards you and the kids. Your putting pressure on her to go with you to MC only fuels more of her resentment so its best that you do not bring it up again in the near future. Acting needy is definitely NOT attractive but living your life [and your children's] without including her will sooner or later make her look at what she will lose if she continues to harbor her resentment towards you and the children. Please read Dr Robert Huizenga's 7 Powerful Tactics to Break Free From The Affair and Stop it NOW!; 12 Unattractive, Ugly, Typical Tact...he Affair and Guarantee Their Own Misery; and Michelle Weiner Davis's Divorce Busting 180 Degree List for way to achieve this emotional independence. No amount of words on your part will convince your W about your changes, but your actions certainly will.

Thanks - great post. I'll keep those ideas in mind. I violate some of guidelines; say I love you - too much, ask the kids where they (and mommy)were and who with (got busted on this one). Its sort of what I'd like to do. Right now its very hard on me - thats why I'm considoring meds. Got some appointemnts tonight - we'll see. I'm trying to get more social - its tough making new friends later in life. I'm getting involved with a religous club (Knights of Columbus) see where it leads. It does seem better the few times I get comfortable (anxiety low) and take care of some things for myself.

Looking forward to the holidays. The wife will start working nights (new job) and I'll have to take more care of the house and kids (she does admire my fathering). It will give me chance to prove myself some more and we could both use some holiday spirit.

Thanks and keep these ideas coming.

Well I saw a psychologist last night and was prescribed Effexor to help deal with my anxiety and obsessive thoughts. Took the first one today. I’m having a really hard time today. I’m ready to jump out of my skin. I can’t wait for this stuff to work (and I hope it works). From what I read and the conversation with the Dr it takes abut a month to start feeling effects.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MarkNY:
<strong> Well I saw a psychologist last night and was prescribed Effexor to help deal with my anxiety and obsessive thoughts. Took the first one today. I’m having a really hard time today. I’m ready to jump out of my skin. I can’t wait for this stuff to work (and I hope it works). From what I read and the conversation with the Dr it takes abut a month to start feeling effects. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, it may take 4 weeks for you to acheive a "steady state" of the drug in your blood. The drug however may provide you a "placebo" affect in the meanwhile. Good luck with this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Mark,
I'm glad you have found your way here for support.
Many of us have needed to use medication, at least on a temporary basis, to survive this type of crisis. When we get all stressed out, it changes the chemistry of our brain. The medications help bring the brain back into a state of balance. And yes, it typically takes 4 to 6 weeks for the medication to build up to a therapeutic level. Although, some people start to notice changes earlier.

My xWS was an alcoholic/addict,(had used for 26 years) and it took at least a year into his Recovery for me to start to trust him. It definitely was "walk the talk" time! And I did feel disconnected, and told him I wasn't sure I'd want to stay with him even if his recovery was real. I also made it clear that I saw it as his recovery, not mine. I told him that it was his responsibility to work on it, go for counseling, attend 12 step meetings, not me. I was tired of dealing with the whole mess. I was already in individual counseling for myself. He was three years into recovery from addiction before we married.

Now this is probably my paranoia speaking, but I really triggered when you said your wife is taking a new night job. That's what my xWS said when he was involved in an affair. He worked a full time day job, and then said he was going to work a second job at night to try and improve our financial situation (he knew I was really concerned about our finances.) He ended up working 6 days a week, day and night. He was a painter,(houses, office buildings)so it was hard to keep track of him, and he had no cell phone or pager. I always wondered how he could work all day and night, come home and nap for 2 hours and get back up and go work again. I would have thought that once asleep, he wouldn't wake up for hours! And....no extra money ever came from the night job...because "the contractor isn't paying me...the owner isn't paying him...the check he wrote was bad...etc." As I later found out, the night "job" was being with the OW, and she obviously didn't pay well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> (The OW was a 21 yr old he met at his 12-step meetings. He was 47 yr old) I know you don't need this extra issue to consider, but you might want to keep it in mind since you question your wife's relationship with a male friend.
Take care and keep coming for support.

<small>[ November 12, 2004, 01:36 PM: Message edited by: heartfailure ]</small>

Thanks for your concern about her night job, but this is legitimate. She’s a registered nurse and is in the midst of perusing her master’s degree. Last couple of years she worked as a school nurse, but the isolation made her depressed (probably has something to do with her ‘emptiness’). She was alone in her office all day with no adult contact; I think I’d be depressed too. She still worked in a hospital a few days a month. This spring she resigned the school nurse job and intended to pick up more time in the hospital (not full time). Then a job offer came up to be a head nurse in another hospital. While she is happy with the career advancement, the hours give her serious doubts about succeeding. In all honesty I hope she quits and reverts back to her part time idea. She overbooks her time, and admits it’s so she doesn’t have time to think about things.

She’s hurting mentally, but won’t open up about it. I must exercise patience, but my anxiety is hindering that big time.