KMEJ,
It's OK - I appreciate your apology, but you don't need to worry about it. I was upset, but it's passed at this point.
I need to tell you something. I feel very close to you, because it was not that long ago that I was almost just like you. You are seeing in your M what you want to see - not what is. You are picturing your H for what you want to see - not what is. You think your M can be what you want it to be - not what is.
When I went to my counselor, I was diagnosed with "Rosy Depression." It was severe depression, but I hid it under the guise of "things are not so bad. H may say things, but he had a horrible childhood. H may degrade me, but I know he doesn't mean it. H may say I'm a whore, but then he says he loves me, so he must not mean it." I was not judging my relationship by
actions - rather, I was judging it by
words. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
You posted tonight about the cycle - ignoring, being cruel - and then all of a sudden being overly nice and sweet. KMEJ - that is an abuse cycle. Emotional abuse. It's to control your emotions - bring you up, put you down, bring you up, put you down. Why do they do it? Because it makes them feel better. Because in order to feel better about themselves, they have to flex their power and put someone else down. Plain and simple. That's what it IS.
At this point, I will cease to post to you. I want very much to help, but things are too emotional for me to be very objective right now. I did not mean for anything to be started about your or LM
having an EA. Your state of vulnerability reminds me of how I was before my A....and that is a reminder of how I never want to be again. I wanted for someone to like me for who I was. I longed for someone to just talk to. H*ll, I wanted to have someone to even
give love to, since H wouldn't take it. I would have given anything for that person to have been my H. But it wasn't. It was OM. And that was where I didn't protect myself. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
I would have settled for a lot less from H back then. In fact, if he had not said such things as "I wanted to come home from work, but when I got home and saw you, I wanted to leave again" - I would have been happy. Now, being further away from it, I want more. I want respect. I want care. I want to be treated like a wife. I want emotional fidelity. I want honesty.
KMEJ - I am going to wish you the best. I will part ways with you here because I care too much to watch someone I feel close to get hurt. I truly hope that sometime in the future you decide to protect yourself and your children.
