Hi folks, This is part of a posting that I placed on the Diviorcing / Divorced forum. I think it's worth getting input inviting debate from others as it's something that I think any newbie to the site should consider.

Recently my WS seems to have started to come out of the fog and is starting to realise what the A has cost her / us in terms of our M and our future. I beleive that this is as a result of Plan B yanking her off the fence as it's supposed to.

I just want to be clear about this, though - Please do not confuse the following discussion with Exposure. Without exposure the A would have still been in full swing..

When we were going through the A I felt like placing full page Ads and telling anyone that would listen as to what was going on( i expect this is normal). This certainly made me feel better as I talked it out of my system. What I wish that I had done was to consider consequences of the following a little more.

My advice to any BS going through the discovery of an A, or trying to stop an ongoing A (plan's A or B) would be;
* Be extremely careful who you tell
* What you tell
* How much detail you give
* How much bias you place on your version
of the facts.

All the above can make it very difficult to try and reconcile later as you have stirred up many negative emotions in family and friends who have ridden the rollercoaster with you. You "definitely need to tell and talk to people", but I feel that the choice of people outside of professionals, priests, boards like MB and a few close friends needs to be very carefully thought out. Most people I have found tend to be a little small minded (as was I before going through it) about WS's and what they deserve for their infidelity. The choice of confidents' needs some consideration. There are people who I found extremely helpful in employing their help, i.e. my inlaws, and others who were so angry that they just want WS burn't at the stake (i.e. my brother <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> even though they mean well.

As a rule I found that if the person was a hot head, bad tempered, had unresolved divorce / marital issues of thir own, very opiniated etc, that in some cases they actually did more harm to my long term chances or R even though they want to help you.

Again, just my opinion but I invite debate from both side of the fence... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Cheers R-Man

<small>[ November 09, 2004, 08:16 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

I think I can agree with what you're saying, at least in part.
The big problem I see from it, is that you really don't know for sure the reactions you will get from people. Sometimes, even people you've known your entire life. Some people who I told, who I thought would support my efforts, it turned out that they thought I should give up.
Others, who I though would only maybe half-heartedly support me, turn out to throw more support at me that I would have imagined.

So it's really a big, big judgement call. But I think in the end, on average, you increase your overall chances by following a scorched earth policy regarding exposure.

TTSi - I agree that you do not know where the support is going to come from.
There were friends that I was certain would not help but were incredible in what they did and offered, and others who I would have thought would be there for me but barely even spoke to me.
Go figure. Having said that, I am much better equipped to help others in my predicament and have found myself doing just that without any bias.

Totally agree - also be careful in what you tell WS - mainly, what all you know and how you got the info.. If they aren't ready to come out of the fog - they will just get better at hiding thier activity...

RM,

I agree with you fully.

What I have read here, full exposure comes when there is no other way to stop the ongoing A. Like cutting off the leg to save the body.

Exposure to the OP's spouse or sig other is one of the first lines of action...but telling everyone should be saved for the last action before plan B or D.

My W's aunt found out about her H's A and started telling everyone she knew about it. After that they could never reconcile. Her anger and revenge was greater than her M.

k

ITHURTS and krusht, the hard part about this little nugget is that you are really not thinking too well as the BS when the emotions of an A are first unleashed within you. It's like you are drowning under all these emotions and the liferaft is telling anyone who will listen to you. You are panicked, under pressure and will do anything to make the pain go away.
The benefits of 20/20 hindsight and experience <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

RM,

You have started a VERY important topic and I could write a novel about this. When inmidst of all of this chaos, we (BS's) often feel the need to share our story with many people and we often do not consider who we tell these intimate details to and if these people even care about us/our marriage or can be of any help.

I felt a strong need to tell people what was happening, but at the same time, I am also a very private person so I didn't talk to ANYBODY. Imagine how difficult this was. It was not until people starting commenting on the reason for my rapid weight loss (that I certainly did NOT need) and start I acted and looked like a zombie that I finally broke down with some close friends and shared some of the issues that were happening in my marriage. I also shared (exposed) some of the issues to family and this was the biggest mistake ever. At first, I wanted to just vent and talk, but some member's of my husband's family insisted that they wanted to help. At first, I resisted, but then I agreed and I was hoping that they could maybe say something to him that would help us. Well, they never did... This made me feel stupid and exposed. Recently, they have called and wanted to come and visit. I declined because to tell you the truth, I am angry that they were not there when I needed them and they had the chance to maybe help our marriage and relationship.

I know that I need to get over this, but I felt alone and left alone. NOBODY helped, NOBODY!

I have learned a great deal from this experience and I would, just like you, caution anyone to be very careful about who they speak to and also not to place too much emphasis on the help that other's might lend.

Lesson learned...

Kati

Me 35
Husband 45
Married 14 yrs.
DDay August 03

I was in the same boat...billboard sign was what I was thinking however. I shared my sorrows with one of my very close friends, which she shared with her fiance, whom became a competitor with my H for job position. Needless to say this was used against my H(my H's A was with an employee of his).

When you are so distraught you need to talk to anyone who is close. The consequences don't even come into play because the absolute desperation takes over. Hindsight is 20/20, I regret the people I told in the beginning, but I had to speak with someone...desperation demanded it!

Kati and jellywink
It is interesting how I have read that the WS's all seem to read from the same script and such are very predictable in their behaviours(thankfully).

It would be fair to say that we BS's are also very predictable. We have a deep rooted desire to tell the world about how lousy we are being treated so that we can feel better as every one heaps scorn on the WS's. The more scorn the better, as we need to justify how poorly we are being treated(and in many cases we are).

Once the pain became more bearable and I realised that WS was a human being who had lost her way, I thought, maybe I shouldn't have told so and so as much as I did.

Don't get me wrong, (Sorry if I repeating myself here) but exposure was and is key to killing off the A many cases. I wouldn't have done it any different except much sooner.

We just need to be mindful of who we divulge all the gory details of the A. I found a few people (thankfully very few) that just liked to hear the dirt but didn't want to help in any way.

Thanks for you feedback...

<small>[ November 12, 2004, 12:29 AM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>