It has been over 3 months since I found out about my wifes affair. I have been seeing a profesional counselor and speaking to a couple of diffrent ministers. She is not seeing anyone at this point. She claims to have changed her ways and found her religon again,but I feel it is just an act. I do not feel real remorse from her. Her actions do not show a true feeling of remorse to me. She continues to say that it is my fault and that my short comings are what lead to looking outside the marriage. I have asked for forgiveness for my actions in the past but she apperently never really forgiven me for them. I am curently filing for divorce, and she has kicked me out of our house. Any help with this would be greatly appreciated.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances.

If you no longer want to be married because of infidelity, you can choose divorce. However if you still love her, you can also choose to work on your marriage. Many here go on to have a marriage that is much better than before.

Usually WS's are NOT real remorseful right away. Instead they blame their partner. That is right out of their scriptbook, and most say and do the same things. As you read here, you will see it over and over.

Read about Plan A on the link in my sig line. Also check out the emotional needs questionnaire on the home page. The idea is for the two of you to meet each other's needs to enhance and protect your marriage.

I hope you will keep reading and posting here. You will get lots of input and support from all kinds of different viewpoints.

First of all, it is NOT your fault for her chosing to have an affair, SHE IS. She could have chosen one of two honorable choices:

1. Communicated clearly with you of her dissatisfaction with the state of the marriage and her desire for counseling.

2. Divorce you if she no longer felt any love for you and beleived that there was no hope for the marriage.

As adults, each one of you is responsible for his/her behavior. If you were a negligent and emotionally abusive H, then YOU are responsible for your behavior towards her, and vice versa.

Now as far as the bad state of the marriage is concerned, BOTH of you are equally responsible for it.

You have every right to divorce her but I would advice you to do some deep soul searching to find out what were the issues, on your side, that contributed to the bad state of the marriage. This will benefit you greatly even if you divorce your WW. Afterall, the last thing you need is to have your issues in this marriage to follow you in a future marriage. A good place to start is for you to read Dr Willard Harley Jr's books 'His Needs Her Needs', 'Surviving An Affair' and 'Love Busters' [my favorite] as well as Tom McKnight's book 'Love Tactics'.

You can't force your WW to change but you can certainly change yourself into a better person and a more attractive candidate for a future marriage.

<small>[ November 10, 2004, 08:48 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

I feel I should everyone that I am the bh of rae03. If you read some of her posts,she talks about meeting my physical needs but not MY emotional needs. She talks about me not meeting her emotinal needs as well. This part is true. As I have seen on this site it takes 2 to make it work or make it go bad. She is not taking resonsibility for her desison to go out side the marriage for her emotional needs. And who did she run to, an ex boy friend that beat her and put her in the hospital. So this is who she choses to meet her needs. Some make take this as an angry outburst but I would like my side of the story told. Was I the best husband? Probably not . But I was working on it. She claims to have changed her ways, but in the last week I have seen more of her evil side tan ever before. No remorse for what she did.