D-Day was July 10, 2004. I have been very good at not focusing our whole lives on my H's affair. As far as I know, there has been NC since then. I tried last night to talk to him once again, just trying to figure out what went wrong between us to start an A. He remains defensive, and says that he hates her for allowing him to do what he has done, but I tell him that she didn't do anything to him, he shouldn't hate her. My H says that the A is all we ever talk about but truth is, I rarely bring it up. I told him last night that I didn't care what happened between him and her I wanted to know what happened to us. He always says that she was just someone to talk to. I asked him what happens when someone else comes along to talk to and he says that he won't talk to anyone else. Problem is, we don't really talk either. At first he was willing to talk but seems unwilling now. He said he was tired last night, we would set aside some time tonight to talk, so we'll see. I just thought about our entire relationship last night and I realize that ever since I can remember he has always considered his own feelings before mine. I used to be okay with doing just whatever he wanted to do, so we pretty much did what he wanted. The few times that I haven't wanted the same thing, or I disagreed, he was mad or just kept on and on until we did. If I want SF, he doesn't do it unless he chooses to, he's always too tired and when I want to talk, guess what? He's tired. He said that he thought things were getting better, like I should be over it already. I told him that I wonder now if we should have seperated until he was sure he was willing to put as much work into our relationship as it needs. He said, your car is in the driveway, then as I got out of bed to go to the living room, he wants to know where I'm going, but just goes right to sleep like nothing happened at all. Any ideas guys?

I don't think it is time for Plan B if your husband is no longer in contact.

However this can't be all swept under the rug. Would your husband be willing to fill out the emotional needs questionnaire?

Jennie,

I don't think you need Plan B....which is designed to end affairs. The affair is over, but you DO need a recovery plan. What does recovery look like to you? And what steps are you two doing to get there?

As a beginning....how much time or undivided attention do you spend together in one week? Time is an essential ingredient of recovery.

Are you seeing an MC? Sounds like your husband is still in withdrawal...has he considered antidepressants?

We spend time together but most of it is with him watching TV, can't say we spend more than 4 hours in a week and It's spent driving. I don't know about withdrawal, he doesn't seem to do any of those things, and doesn't blame anyone really, I'm unsure what's going on.

Jennie:

Time for you to PLAN A. Develop your OWN PLAN without his assistance about how to meet his ENS. Have you read HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS. Study that book to come up with your OWN PLAN. Don't discuss it with him. Just begin to put into action.

What did you do to attract him when you first start dating? Steve Harley advised me in this way.

I would think that you probably can figure this out without asking him TO DO anything. You can only change yourself--not him.

Jennine,

Dr. H recommends at LEAST 15 hours a week of undivided attention...TV doesn't count. For folks in trouble, he recommends even more time. So the first part of recovery for the two of you...would be to sit down and SCHEDULE time this week together. Without time, nothing can be accomplished and none of the other strategies (which all require time) can be used to rebuild your marriage. You must begin with that.

Ever since I found out about the A, I've been giving it my best to do so much for him and be so good to him, but then I've always doted over him, telling him how sexy he was and that he was the most wonderful man I'd ever met and I wonder if that is what interested him in the A to begin with. I thought Plan A was also for couples who were trying to end an A. I'll read those again. We can't afford MC, but I got His Needs Her Needs from the library and am reading it now. There was a couple of weeks that I couldn't even stand to look at him. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this!

If contact has ended...you shouldn't be in Plan A...but using recovery strategies to rebuild your marriage.

JG,

Your husband sounds similar to mine, however he doesn't blame the OW, he blames himself. But that doesn't mean conversations about her are easy. In fact, unless I catch him in a "talky mood", these conversations haven't gone well at all.

Now, we have made a ton of progress with the help of a marriage counselor. One year later, we would not be where we are without it. Recovery, has been a very slow process. It takes a massive amount of patience on the part of the BS, to hang in there.

Looking back over the last year, I can see how far we've come, but it takes baby steps with some couples. Many times I have wanted to throw in the towel, but I have stuck it out because my husband wants and has worked for a stronger marriage with me.

I think you need to ask some hard questions. Does he want a better marriage? And do you think he will make the marriage a priority? Listen to everyone on this site....Get a counselor even if its just for you. Do the EN questionare with or w/o your husband. It will at least help you to see what's important to you.

As far as Plan A, Plan B...I don't think thats what you need to do right now. He is home, he has stopped all contact so...I think the priority would be to focus on working (rebuilding) your marriage...which includes talking to him about his needs and his goals for the both of you.

My husband is still resistant at times to discuss the A, although we have been able to agree on a few things. First, talking about it reminds him of how much pain he caused which then he ends up hating himself, but I do need to talk about sometimes - it is essential for me to move past certain things. So through mutual agreement, we both apprach the subject at times that are appropriate...like times where the kids aren't going to interupt, when I am angry, when he is angry...ect...

This needs to be a healing process for both of you and should bring you closer together not farther apart. Keep reading this site...it is a wonderful guide to help you build a new marriage.

Hang in there...I know it's rough...but it is worth it when you finally see the strong couple you can become.

Rachel

Whatever you want to call it. PLAN A or YOUR PLAN TO MEET HIS TOP EMOTIONAL NEEDS!! This should occure throughout the lifetime of your marriage, especially during RECOVERY!!!

PLAN A FOR LIFE!!!

Continue reading!!!!!!

I think the Harleys would agree with this!!!!