Stanley and Mryta, I've always felt like sort of an "odd duck" FWS here, my situation is so different from most stories on MB. I hope to God that Mryta's is not as horrible as mine.

Stanley, my H also had a sense of danger even before he knew of the A. He was correct because the OM HATED him and I believe that only because of my reassurances that H was not a problem ect did he not act on whatever he was plotting. The life insurance question was so casually tossed out but it scared me SO MUCH. By the time he said that, I already knew some of the really bad things that he was doing although I didn't know specifically who the people were. I did know of one 50 year old woman whose house he broke into and beat up.

You need to keep in mind that my life has always been normal and it is not populated with criminals so I really didn't recognise one when I met him. This guy is a con artist to a very developed degree. No, I was not able to report the rape let alone seek help from H. Some of the sordid story is on this link. It is a very difficult thing to revisit..I am uncomfortable with the subject still. It was such a frightening time for me and I still don't ever leave my house alone, I still screen my calls.

I know that OM will call someday or suddenly just be standing next to me in a store or whatever . I am still afraid of him, the guy is a nutcase and there is no reasoning with him. I don't want to trigger him in any way and especially not by being seen.

You are right Stanley, affairs can be dangerous in more ways than one. Like I said in the earlier post, you never know WHO it is that you are inviting into your life. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Maybe someone contemplating an affair can get something out of my story...it's not the norm but it is always a possibility.

Can I ask you Stanley, if you were to find out that there was a coersive element to the OM, would it change the way you see things? I am curious because although I and my H don't discount my initial decision to enter into the A, what happened was so over the top that much of it was out of my control or rather I felt it was because of the circumstances. H understands that. It very much complicated our recovery rather than making it easier..I have been very changed by this and not necessarily always in a good way. Sometimes I think the marriage healed so much better than me, you know? KB

KB:

Naugh!!!!! You are very much like my wife. Unsure of your husband’s love. I have heard this all my life. My wife couldn’t believe I married her. Yeah, you are similar to Myrta.

I read your post of Feb 04. Many WWs that feel the way you do are unfaithful; Myrta did it too. Do you have an idea why?

IN our case I lost some interest in sex too, but this only developed after Myrta was in the affair and started to reject my advances in bed. Because I was in my early 50s I did not complained a lot and adjusted to the slower pace. I guess I didn’t have the sex drive of an 18 years old. I also noted occasional dysfunction with erections in that they would not be optimal for the duration of the event and this came with premature ejaculation. However, all this developed when Myrta was already receiving lots of SF from the OM. So I did not get any constructive advice from her. In fact all she did was rejection in bed and I was so proud that I stopped looking for her. I am sure she used this to justify the affair. In the meantime OM was popping many Viagras before sex and seemed like a stud to Myrta. And folks wonder why I tend to get down on myself!

I will write you some more when I get home!

Back to the original topic of ' an Marriages really be imporved after an affair' it occurs to me that Suid and I currently enjoy a better day-to-day marriage than we did before the A for several years.

Shows of affection , expressions of love, wall climbing SF, genuine coversations again, each CHOOSING tospend time with each other. She actually TXTd me today and said she MISSED me cos I was working away all day !

We do more with the kids, the kids are happy that Mom & Dad are happier.... mechanically our M is already BETTER than our old one.

And like I said previously, do you know ANY couple who HAVEN'T gone through infidelity who are working hard on their M ? I don't.

If only we can get past the massive sadness in us I really can see a better marriage.

Oh Bob, thank you for pointing out that somehow this veered into a total threadjack! Actually I hope that MIF doesn't mind my story hidden in the thread, I'm more comfortable with it that way. Thanks MIF and sorry about the threadjack.

Stanley can you start a new thread if you have more questions? Oh don't feel bad, Viagra was the drug of choice for OM over here too. Ask Mryta if she ever had to sit around bored, waiting for it to take affect, LOL. (That's a joke between H and I about the OM) You refered to a Feb 04 post?? I was lurking but not registered in Feb. Not sure which post you mean. KB

YES! The A is not the death of a marriage, but rather an opportuity to have a better marriage. I understand so much more about love than ever before. No I don't wish to go through it again, once is enough, but I learned that love is more powerful than evil.
Christ's Love,
Roman

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ncdesperate
Member
Member # 37956

posted November 12, 2004 09:18 PM
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For those of you who have posted w/ success stories, I'm so glad to hear about you! This site makes it seem like every marriage has a chance, even w/ the infidelity. However, I'm curious as to how many of you were in a situation where the WS moved out, b/c was having an EA/PA where thought OW was soul-mate and really spent very little time/contact w/ you. Did you ever get to the separation agreement stage? And did you sign it? If so, how did this affect your R w/ WS? This is my situation and I've pretty much given up on WS doing/seeing anything in our R. I'm just putting trust in God and doing plan A more for myself. It's only been a month of plan A, but still nothing seems better.

Thanks for your input. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">---------------------------------------------

I got even farther than a seperation agreement with my then WH.....I filed for divorce. Even had to go to court AFTER we were in Recovery to cancel his child support payments.

While my H was invlolved in the A though.....and had moved out.....he talked ALOT about a seperation agreement. Not really sure why since Indiana is a no fault state....so filing for divorce would have been the thing to do.

He even went so far as having a paper drawn up with this "so called" attorney and wanted me to sign it. Agreeing to his visitations with our children and finances and so forth.

I never signed it....though he asked me about it EVERY time we talked.

After a while he just quit asking......and then I "moved on".....and eventually filed for divorce myself.

As you can see though.....we never went through with the divorce. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />