Noodle, I am including the letter that I have made up regarding my concerns. Could you and anyone else critique it please? This is a fine line and I need to come across as a sane concerned wife. I know he has told everyone that I am a crazy person. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Here is my letter:

My name is BS. My husband is WH. I am asking for help not only for myself but for WH. While I realize that this could be a black mark on his career, that is not my intention.

I sincerely believe that he is going through a mid-life crisis and is not thinking clearly. It seems that each time, the navy sends him away he gets overwhelmed and starts to believe that the grass is greener elsewhere.

We have been together for over 13 years. A little over 3 years ago, WH went away to (other base) for 3 months. At that time, he deliberately sought and initiated an inappropriate relationship with another military member. When he returned he announced that he was leaving. No prior warning. No hint of problems. He did leave. And did try to get posted to Halifax where that other person is posted. He continued contact until November. At that time we reconciled.

Then a year later, I was offered a severance package from the government. After much discussion it was mutually agreed that we use the money for a down payment for a house on the Mainland. And, that I would maintain the house and live here with our daughter so that once WH retired, we would have a home where we wanted to retire.

It has been a difficult struggle for all of us; both financially and emotionally. But we were surviving and I thought thriving. Yet, the next time that WH was away for 3 months in June to September of this year, he spent our mortgage money on alcohol and whatever else he did. When he came home in September, he did not communicate any of his feeling regarding his unhappiness. In fact, on the trip back to the ferry, he asked me to move back because he missed us so much. Yet 3 days later, when I agreed to uproot my daughter and myself, to sell the house and move back, he avoided me altogether. When he finally called 8 days after he returned to base, it was to announce that he wanted a divorce. Once again, with no prior notice. Just a pronouncement of his intentions.

I was again devastated by his actions. I have tried everything in my power to get him to agree to counseling. I have tried to acknowledge his unhappiness and to offer solutions that do not include tearing this family apart. He is refusing to listen or to try. Very recently he has informed me that he is dating. This is not appropriate as he is still married.

Furthermore, this situation has greatly distressed our daughter as well as me. We are both now seeing a counselor to attempt to deal with our anger and our betrayal by her father with his lies. I have repeatedly attempted to contact him so that he can at the least email his daughter. The latest last night. He is avoiding me.


A number of things greatly concern me about this situation.
1. he is engaging in behaviour that is unbecoming to a member of the forces.
2. I am concerned that his depression, (which he refuses to recognize), is going untreated and could cause him to do something even more harmful than his dating.
3. He has told me repeatedly that if I go to his superior, (you) or the CO, that he will apply for his release and “disappear". And that I will never find him. This is very threatening both personally and financially.
4. he has told me that he has been given tacit approval by his shipmates and “friends” that this is the right thing to do as we are not really married anymore as I do not live with him. This of course is not reality. If he was at sea, we would still be married whether we are in the same place or not.
5. He is refusing to assist me in selling the house and refusing to apply either for MQs when we move back, or to try to reconcile.

In closing, I am unsure of what you can personally do. However, I must reiterate that I am trying to save this marriage and this family. And that I am concerned that he might do something drastic to damage our relationship beyond repair.

Regards,
BS

What do you think?

<small>[ November 10, 2004, 09:18 AM: Message edited by: fightingalone-again ]</small>

Well, I talked to the Fleet Chaplain today. It was an eye opener. I was shocked and disappointed at some of the things that he said. He is a Roman Catholic priest so when he said that this happens a lot and sometimes there is no saving the marriage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Well, I told him that I considered my vows sacred and had no intention of letting them go without a battle. He did say I must get legal advice to protect our daughter.

We talked about some of the things that WH has said. Like I never listen to him and it is all my fault. BLAH BLAH. Well, the Chaplain said that he had heard on the news that I was also responsible for the Gulf War. Well, good point. How could I be responsible for either? He chose to do this. DUH! Made me put things back in perspective. He also gave me some contacts to call on Friday to get support in my struggles.

I also told him about WH's refusal to acknowledge that a HUGE amount of his problem is that he has issues with where and how is father died. And, that because his Dad was an alcoholic, that his lifelong habit of "stuffing" his emotions and sucking it up, has damaged his ability to face up to his part. THe Chaplain said that is a typical reaction of a child of an alcoholic. They blame their family and loved ones when things don't happen the way they want. And they also turn their self-hatred into blame on someone else. Gee, sounds just like him.

I also mentioned about going to his CO. He said he was very good friends with the XO and if I decide to go that route, call him and he will carry it forward for me. I also told him about WH's threat to put in his release and disappear if I went to his CO. The Chaplain just laughed. He told me that it certainly would not be easy to disappear. Once his release was put in, half the pension would go to me automatically. And that WH was acting like an immature 5 year old.

Sigh. I am so sad about this whole mess. I also talked to WH again because he finally wrote back. What a crock.

In a nutshell, he has done all the giving, I have done all the taking, he has no more to give, he is tired of being 3rd in the relationship, all his hopes and dreams are gone, I never listen to him. Since he has nothing anyway, there is nothing left to loose. I have it all. FOG FOG FOG

Anyway, I am still planning to go over there next week. Face to Face. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

His Mom said that she has not written him because she didn't know what to say. But that she thinks he is being crazy and not looking at the future or the whole picture at all. So she is going to email him. Fat lot of good that will do. But it is nice to have her on my side of the fence.

God, I wish there was a big enough 2X4 to get him to REALLY see what he is so busy trying to throw away. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Crazy man.

<small>[ November 10, 2004, 08:55 PM: Message edited by: fightingalone-again ]</small>

FAA [Yeah, I'm lazy..no way I'm typing that out every time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ]

Something to keep in mind..is that from the perspective of the CO..you are reporting a crime..so the secondary issues do not really apply..his possible depression..FOO baggage..all not his concern. Once this is dropped in his lap he MUST act on it. I'd just give the info/evidence..bare bones.

I think that YOU need to be clear of your intentions..what do you hope to gain by exposing him? My intention was to bring the consequences ON..you seem to be hoping to sidestep them.

I think that the fleet chaplain is the person to go to about the non A related issues..and he may be able to bend your COs ear a bit and force H into counseling. Alternately he may put YOU in a bad position in order to protect your H..after all THEY are on the same team..you are not. It could go either way.

Or they might send him to jail.

Or discharge him dishonorably.

Take these possibilities seriously. Make the best decision that you can with the info that you have and then act. What more can you do?

Noodle

Sorry I can't give you any advice on this really. I have no experience military wise.

But I do think the chaplain's mentioning of being good friends with his XO is a door being opened for you. That may be the best route.

Okay, thanks, Noodle. I will rework it. I need more evidence, names, etc. And, I will talk some more with the Chaplain.

I don't think I am trying to sidestep this. But, with all the other stuff I included, I see how it might look that way. I think WH needs to face all the consequences. And that is my intention. SO, you are very right, More facts and less sentiment.

Thanks.

Hi, TTSi. Yes, I saw that as a big opportunity, too. But, as Noodle says, I have to be prepared to face the consequences. THey could be severe or they could be nothing. Depending on how the Old Boys' Network is working. Mind you, the XO is female.

I must have everything correct and provable. That is what I am hoping to dowhen Iget over to his city. I am going to search his room for evidence.