My H is in medical residency. He is almost three years through a four year program. When we met he was the most warm, loving, sensitive man I have ever seen. We met in his first year of Medical School, six years ago. Since then, each year he has become more removed and distant. He is now completely withdrawn from me. He says he feels no emotions at all -- but I know he has some because he laughs and has a good time with his friends. He just has no time for me, and he when he does, he wants to watch a movie and call that "good time together." Well that time is good, but certainly not enough to meet my needs. Because he is withdrawn sexually as well, I have asked him if there is another person involved. He says no, but my gut says something is wrong. Because this situation feels unusual due to the stress residency places on a family, I wonder if I am paranoid and I wonder how to fix it. He doesn't think he has the time to make things better right now.

I don't have the time to post right now, I have to be in the OR in 20 minutes. I will post to you later to give you my opinion on this. I have some experience with this as I am a doctor. Many others here will be able to offer you great insight and different perspectives. I will post later to you.

Because he is withdrawn sexually as well, I have asked him if there is another person involved. He says no, but my gut says something is wrong.

listen to your gut

Because this situation feels unusual due to the stress residency places on a family, I wonder if I am paranoid and I wonder how to fix it.

I doubt you are paranoid

He doesn't think he has the time to make things better right now.

He's hiding something...

Keep looking... something is fishy.

Pep

Pep,

Here's my dilemma. I have been looking. I have been obsessing over it and I am tired of feeling that way. All his free time is spent at home napping because he is tired from being in the OR all day. Sometimes goes out with a friend from the hospital (male, married). I have checked it out with the friend's wife and his stories hold up. There is no weird stuff on his cell phone bills (I pay everything so I see itemized bill). If he is doing something it is while he is at work. If he is not doing anything, I don't want to keep obsessing about finding concrete signs because that will push him further away. For the first time in my life, I am at a point were I truly don't know what to do.

Any advice / help from anyone would be appreciated.

Sally, do you work?
What do you do?
What are YOUR interests and hobbies?
What are YOUR dreams for the future?
What are things that YOU want to accomplish?

Pep

2004 Sally:

I have NO idea whether your H is cheating or not. YOU are there and see/hear things we never will.

However, a note of caution from my experience.

My W's A took place 100% at work (in a Hospital).

They didn't have to explain any "extra" time away, as all the encounters took place inside of the lab's they worked in. No one could catch them as they had the keys and could lock the doors, it was "off limits" to most persons, ect.

They also had perfect excuses to meet up (getting "paged" back in or having to work "over" because of the fictitious patients, ect).

In addition all the frequent cell phone calls, could and were explained away as Work Related.

This dynamic is what let it Go on so long.
I had NO idea this was happening.

Yes, I sensed something was Wrong between us.....but I thought it was just me or this was just the way a M got once married for a while.

Listen to your gut. It probably "sees" more than your head.
None of us EVER WANTS to believe our S could be capable of anything like this.

Most BS almost Want to be in Denial (at least on some level).
The alternative is just Too Painful to grasp. (at least till you have conclusive proof).

Wishing you success in finding out the Truth (one way or another). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dear Sally:

residency and fellowship can suck out the last little bit of strength out of your body and soul. Having gone through med school, residency and fellowship I can tell you that. There are presentations to give, patients to care for, night calls. Lack of sleep makes me irritable and moody. It is hard. Very very hard. Like running a marathon for 7 years.

Talk to your H. Explain your concerns to him in a loving way. Not accusing him. Suggest to start marriage counseling together. At some point in his life he needs to realize what is really important to him- his wife and family. I have seen it with many colleagues, that during residency the job takes absolutely first priority. Only later in life one realizes that the most valuable asset is not one's career, but the one special person who is one's wife or husband.

Life gets better after residency and fellowship. Support your H now. He may be heading towards burn-out. Caring for sick patients all the time is extremely stressful. You have no proof for an A. Be watchful without letting him notice. He may be having an A as an escape from the stress in his life. But I think that residency alone can cause all the symptoms that you have described.

All the best,
DR. IP <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dr IP,

I believe my husband is burned out and wants to have a little fun which he deserves (that's why he goes out with his friend). I just want that fun to be with me and I get jealous because he just has no time because of Residency.

Let me share some good news...I did change some things about me last week after learning about this site. How did he respond? We had sex 4 times this weekend. Last night he came on to me too. I love this because I think he is so very attractive.

I believe the problem may be more with me than with him. Residency is horrible for relationships. In my situation it has left no time for my husband to devote to me, and it has also taken all of his energy. That makes me mad and I go into "Taker" mode. He physically can't give me anything more, so he withdraws because he says he cannot make me happy. I realized I was withdrawn too last week, and I decided to change because I am the one who can.

I actually don't think he has had an affair yet, but my radar is high. I think I may be pushing him to an affair, but I don't want to be naive.

If you aren't employed can you volunteer at the hospital? Get in with the in crowd..so to speak. Be a part of the dynamics that go on in his world. Try to do it with a positive, fun, friendly attitude. Maybe you can go to lunch together and have a bit more time together.

I saw this recommended to M23B's when she was first here and thought it a good idea.

Trix,

I am employed. I would love to volunteer at the hospital but it is not feasible for me right now. After residency is complete, I will keep this in mind when he finds a full time permanent role. I had always planned to volunteer but couldn't think of where to do so. The hospital is a perfect place for lots of reasons <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 10, 2004, 10:20 PM: Message edited by: 2004sally ]</small>

If anyone out there has had experience in residency or with a spouse in residency. I would love to read your story/learn about you.

Funny Momto3Boys and I talked about starting a support board for medical marriages. There is one out there for people in your situation (med school & residency) But not really for those of us whose Husbands /wives that are established.

Years ago hospitals use to have support groups for the wives of Physicians. It's tough being married to a Doctor. Mine is in the OR again tonight it's 8:30 PM he has not seen his kids in 2 days and yes he lives here at home with us.
He just called, going to Memorial Hosp for yet another surgery. It does not get any better Sally
there are just things you have to accept in Medical Marriages.

Hang in there. I cant remember the web site but do a google search on Medical spouses I believe the support board will come up. I think it's Medical spouse network or something like that.
It was excellent, but like I said mainly for Med students and resident spouses.
Good-Luck
SOM

Thanks for the advice on Residency support board. I need it. It is so hard for me to tell right now if I am crazy and paranoid, or if something horrible is going on, or if the situation we are living in is the foundation to the problem.

Because the hospital in which he works is close-knit, I don't have anyone to talk with about this. I don't want to compromise his position by talking with some of my friends who are wives of his colleagues.

It doesn't seem like their marriages are as bad as mine, but I am not privvy to all of the detail.

Well Sally:

I have completed a general surgery residency and trauma fellowship so i have some experience to share. I can speak first hand what it is like. Unusually it was my wife who had the affair (NOT ME) and was the catalyst for our impending divorce (though I certainly had a part). I can tell you that any wife/SO who can make a marriage work during one's general surgery residency is a saint. It is almost like MB in that alot of the times it is the NON-MD spouse who is doing all of the work in the marriage. Doing a surgery residency is very hard on the physician BUT HARDER in my opinion on the loving spouse. The spouse gets what ever is "left of the post on call doc". The spouse gets the falling asleep at thanksgiving dinner, the spouse gets the "I won't be home at dinner-I want to do this last case", and the spouse gets the "I need my down time from my job-Leave me alone, I don't want to talk now". I now this, I lived it as did my wife. I will be honest with you though , I would not trade those days for anything. There is a certain bond that we develop going thru all of this and it is a bond that the wife usually doesn't get let into. It is will be almost like your husband is having an affair, but it may not be another woman...it may be with his job and fellow residents. That being said, affairs DO HAPPEN, although not as common place as on General Hospital <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . My job definitely played a role in my marriage failing (but this was something that I let happen). The only advice I would have for you is to get MC or mkae your marriage a MUCH higher priority NOW. The relationship between any MD resident and spouse is innately dysfunctional, and will need to be balanced before it is too late (like in my situation.. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I had a tough time talking to anyone outside of medicine. All of my life, socializing, vacations were all with MEDICALLY RELATED PEOPLE. My wife used to call my fellow residents my "girlfriends", as she said they spent more time with me than her. This was infact a true statement. It is no wonder there are so many divorces in medicine................when mine takes effect soon that will have made 5 out of 7 chief general surgery residents having been separated or divorced....Now that is sad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

wow that is a hard life, but that is why you get paid the big bucks. to heck with your personal life, the hospital is all you know. I doubt they care that your wife is at home crying or dinner is getting cold, or that there is an empty chair at Christmas. Sucky. But hey thanks for doing it, you save many a lives <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Seriously- thank you. Big commitment

How your post rings true. I call my husband's best friend his "girlfriend" because they share so much with each other. The wife of my husband's friend calls my husband her husband's girlfriend. We laugh about it sometimes, but it really isn't funny. My big watch out is not letting myself continue to be withdrawn, I think if he hasn't had an affair he will if I stay that way.

would you recommend getting involved more in my own activities, i.e. join a running club. Or does this work against making my marriage more important?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2004sally:
<strong> How your post rings true. I call my husband's best friend his "girlfriend" because they share so much with each other. The wife of would you recommend getting involved more in my own activities, i.e. join a running club. Or does this work against making my marriage more important? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you have to be very independent. Joining a running club is a great idea. A big strain on the marriage is the nonMD spouse had learned to center all of their happiness and fun around the resident. The resident is usually sleep deprivered, moody, tired or just being a rotten SOB b/c he took too many AW's (A$$ Whippings = chewing outs by the attending docs) in the OR today, Be as indepednet that you can be as long as you keep the common goal in site.....to help you maintain this marriage untill he finishes the traning program and gets a job,,,,things will settle alot then. You can even think of residency AS A long college/frat housing party for the surgery res. and then graduation becmomes real world. This is a skewed look at it from my view only admittedly. I still feel it is very very accurtae. Good luck sally <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lemonman is very correct about the amount of infidelity in Medical marriages. I worked as an RN for years in an ER situation. There were alot of affairs. I have known other Physicians wives that also had affairs on their husbands, for the exact reasons Lemonman stated. This is the reason I came to marriage builders in the first place. I was afraid I would have an A.

My H is no different in his professional career as he was in residency and his fellowship. He has a strong work ethic and patients will always come first. I think they call this being a workaholic?? I just dont know how you fix this when you are a Physician ? Lemonhead ? Dad ?
Iceprincess?

I think you know by your own H's personality and his commitment to his profession. Medicine is not a job you punch out and your done, you are just never done. 9:30 PM now, Do you know where your H is ???

I signed off last night at 9:30 pm because my H just got home. He is really good at his job and will be a chief next year.

I think I have been focused way too much on him as a way to derive my own happiness. This is so hard to figure out, but I guess the message is to do what it takes to make it through. We only have a bit over a year left.

You need to be an island by yourself and he will be the ship that comes in and out of port. You need to do it all and be very supportive even when they come home grumpy. Let him chill in a chair for a while. Greet him with a drink (no not alcohol neccesarily-although that might be OK sometimes!!) Let him unwind. He's talked to people all day, so there may be nothing left at the end of the day. He'll be happy if you have taken care of things-thrilled actually.

My H's A happened in the hospital. Keep your eyes open and try to meet each others needs.

Lemonman, I am sorry about your wife. Surgery is a tough field.

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 09:20 AM: Message edited by: new jersey ]</small>