He has always been attracted to me -- and tells me still that he is (that i'm the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, that he is extremely attracted to me still, blah blah blah - why does he have to say that stuff and still continue his behavior?? while i'm very glad and it helps to make me think i still have a shot here - it KILLS me) -- I went to talk to him the other night in my pajamas and he kept staring at me and told me how good I looked... its KILLING me... what has worked for me to feel comfortable w/ my sexuality?? I have no idea honestly - how pathetic is that? I know there have been times that i've felt more comfortable w/ him intamitely but not sure why - maybe when he's met my emotional needs i felt more connected to him - but, obviously, he's really not meeting those needs currently.... help.

Sounds great that he finds you physically attractive.

You went to talk to him in your pajamas?

Are you sleeping in the same bed? That is an essential first step here?

Remember he is your husband. Sexual intimacy between you and him is legitimate, normal and healthy!!!!!

yes - went to talk to him in my PJs - he was in his home office and I've been on the "affair diet" (have lost about 15 lbs. - didn't really need to lose it) so I look pretty decent -- I know he has a weakness for me still so I came up w/ an excuse to go talk to him so he could see me.. am i sick or what?? No - we haven't been in the same bed since he confessed -- and I know I'm the one that should be on the receiving end of the sexual intamicy but, like I said, I really fear he'll reject me because of our current situation -- and I'm also not sure I could go through w/ it -- knowing that he's been with that whore and would really fear he'll be comparing -- I just don't think i can do it -- so do i just continue to "flirt"? ugh - I feel like a teenager!!!

Your first step will be to begin sleeping with him in the same bed. It will allow for Physical Affection if not Sexual Fulfillment. See how he responds to this. He will notice even if it appears that he does not. He may even try to approach you.

Start seeing this as a battle to save your marriage. You are in a winning position by being able to sleep with him each night. What is the matter with sleeping with your husband, Still..

Meanwhile get a copy of SURVIVING AN AFFAIR and Read up on PLAN A.

That first step (sleeping w/ him in the same bed) will be a doozy - I really really don't think he'll go for it... what am I supposed to do? ask him?? I honestly don't think he'll think its a good idea... plus the weekend is coming and I'm sure he is heading off to see whore... probably won't see him until Sunday or Monday -- I really really hate this.. I do have the book you mentioned and am going to print some stuff off of this web site -- again, I don't think I'm going to be able to meet his emotional needs - he will resist.... is it time for Plan B? and, Mimi, thanks, you've helped me alot.

Are you ready for a fignt for your marriage?

We're willing here to help you but you have got to do the work!

I know how hard it is to see him go off with her on the weekends. I've spent many weekends in hell. However, you see that I have reconciled happily with my FWH. However, I decided to put up a fight. I was unwilling to sit back and let her have him. I was not going to give him to her on a silver platter. You've got to do the work, girl. You've got to be ready to go into battle.

You are sounding wimpy which I understand. Let me know if you are ready for this because you can put up a fignt!

Did you move out of the bed or did he?

No it is not time for PLAN B. We have to develop your PLAN A if you are ready and willing.

Mimi - I am ready to fight (and now i'm getting teary as i'm typing)He moved out of the bed the night he told me - we didn't even discuss it, I certainly didn't want him near me - he's sleeping in the guest room. I am feeling whimpy and afraid - so afraid that if I put myself out there too much he's just going to reject me... but yes, I'm ready to fight for us. He certainly isn't in the state of mind to do it... please help me formulate a plan "A". Thank you!

This is going to sound cold. Remember it was said to me and look where my FWH and I are today.

He has already rejected you in the worse possible way so how can he do anything worse at this point. Build yourself up to expect rejection from him. You are just in the beginning battles of the war. This will take time and patience.

Read up on Emotional Needs on this site or better yet get the book HIS NEEDS/HER NEEDS by the Harleys. Try to determine the primary ENs that are being met by the OW. Begin to focus on meeting those needs again.

For beginners, I would either ask him to return to your bed. Or better yet, get into the bed with him in the guest room. Which do you think would be better? Don't ask for anything or expect anything. Just get in the bed wearing the type of nightwear that he likes and the type of perfume that he likes. Let's see what happens.

Mimi - no, did not sound cold, you're right - and I've already felt that sting of rejection.

I will get that book. And, wow, asking him back to bed or getting into his bed -- would totally freak him out -- what if he boots me? I'd be devestated... ugh... if he boots me I just go? I just got confirmation from him that he won't be home this weekend -- staying at "bills house" ummmm... sure.... so I'll have a weekend to do some reading... so, really, get in bed w/ him? wow.... ummmmm.... wow....

Yes. It's time for you to get bold. Remember you are in a battle for your marriage.

Even though you are not likely be effective, let him know if you speak with him again that you would like for him to come home tonight. That you do not want to spend the weekend alone, that you will miss him, etc.

Remember Expect Rejection. Don't be Afraid or Surprised by it. Rejection has already occurred.

What did you mean by boot you out of bed? Has he ever been physically abusive? If so, I will take a different point of view.

Otherwise, don't make assumptions about what he will do. Assume the positive until you have reason to believe something different.

Stillprocessing - you are almost my mirror image - My wife is having an affair in a town 4 hours away and she left last night to be with him for the weekend while I take care of our 2 and 5 yr old boys. I discovered the A 9/28 and it had been going on since july. Sex is involved but not the primary thing for her. She was looking for the intamacy and closeness. I concede that I was distant and would cocoon myself by watching tv or reading. A lot of this came from our jobs, kids and just being plain tired, but also I have since been diagnosed w/a form of depression seperate from my marital issues and they are helping. She tells me she loves me but isn't passionate about me and is afraid she will never get it back. She has said she has felt dicannected from me for a couple of years now - but never said anything. I have always loved her and told her so as well as affectionate but the friend part of our relationship is what suffered. Since she was busted she has actually intensefied her relationship w/him. The august and september cell phone bills were a little over $150 - the october bill went up to almost $700. As you can tell their relationship is mostly predicated on the phone. Actually caught her by stumbling onto text messages. Before getting caught the had sex twice both in Sept. Since then she has actually been down to see him on 2 different weekends plus this weekend. I am frustrated, scared and also feel like a doormat. I have tried extremely hard to be the person she fell in love with 15 yrs ago and she has conceded that she sees the changes. (I have been on anti depressants which have really helped). She doesn't want to divorce and says she wants to fix this, but she is not ready to give him up. We have been to counseling a few times, and e like him just haven't been able to see him enough. i found this site yesterday and printed off most of the info and have already read most of it. I showed it to her and asked for her to read (said she would when she gets back) - also showed her the emotional survey and will sit down with me when she returns and really work on it. I asked her one question before she left (after of course asking her not to go) - what good is this visit is going to do for us to repair our marriage - she didn't have an answer but said she just had to go. She did say that this trip would help her with the emotional eval when she gets back.

We have always been the perfect couple on the outside. Aside from the emotional distance that we allowed to develop we were. We are still sleeping in the same bed but haven't had sex since before D-day. We have had a couple of instances of intamacy in that time that was genuine. She is definitly in the fog everyone mentions but I do not have any idea what to do next. i can't take much more but I also can't bear the thought of losing her. I would love to hear your thoughts or anyone elses. Thanks

Stillprocessing - you are almost my mirror image - My wife is having an affair in a town 4 hours away and she left last night to be with him for the weekend while I take care of our 2 and 5 yr old boys. I discovered the A 9/28 and it had been going on since july. Sex is involved but not the primary thing for her. She was looking for the intamacy and closeness. I concede that I was distant and would cocoon myself by watching tv or reading. A lot of this came from our jobs, kids and just being plain tired, but also I have since been diagnosed w/a form of depression seperate from my marital issues and they are helping. She tells me she loves me but isn't passionate about me and is afraid she will never get it back. She has said she has felt dicannected from me for a couple of years now - but never said anything. I have always loved her and told her so as well as affectionate but the friend part of our relationship is what suffered. Since she was busted she has actually intensefied her relationship w/him. The august and september cell phone bills were a little over $150 - the october bill went up to almost $700. As you can tell their relationship is mostly predicated on the phone. Actually caught her by stumbling onto text messages. Before getting caught the had sex twice both in Sept. Since then she has actually been down to see him on 2 different weekends plus this weekend. I am frustrated, scared and also feel like a doormat. I have tried extremely hard to be the person she fell in love with 15 yrs ago and she has conceded that she sees the changes. (I have been on anti depressants which have really helped). She doesn't want to divorce and says she wants to fix this, but she is not ready to give him up. We have been to counseling a few times, and e like him just haven't been able to see him enough. i found this site yesterday and printed off most of the info and have already read most of it. I showed it to her and asked for her to read (said she would when she gets back) - also showed her the emotional survey and will sit down with me when she returns and really work on it. I asked her one question before she left (after of course asking her not to go) - what good is this visit is going to do for us to repair our marriage - she didn't have an answer but said she just had to go. She did say that this trip would help her with the emotional eval when she gets back.

We have always been the perfect couple on the outside. Aside from the emotional distance that we allowed to develop we were. We are still sleeping in the same bed but haven't had sex since before D-day. We have had a couple of instances of intamacy in that time that was genuine. She is definitly in the fog everyone mentions but I do not have any idea what to do next. i can't take much more but I also can't bear the thought of losing her. I would love to hear your thoughts or anyone elses. Thanks

Mimi - no, never ever physically abusive -- I'm not going to talk to him again before the weekend - we had an e-mail exchange - i made him "LOL" w/ a comment in my e-mail, then I sent a response to him ending it with "enjoy your weekend"... so, for now, I'm just going to leave it at that -- he says he may stay at "bill's" house but i'm highly highly doubting that -- and don't really feel like calling him on it at this point... we need to do some talking about practical matters when he returns and I'll see where it all leads... i'm going to get the his needs/her needs book and read it this weekend - i have some others that are mentioned on this site to that i'll skim through... any other pointers from you will be much appreciated.. thanks so much!

vdc - fun, isn't it? I'm constantly amazed that i'm in this situation w/ a man i never ever thought in a million years could do this to me -- It's a struggle every day -- I spend the weekends cleaning the house so i feel like i have control over something (its never been cleaner!) We don't have kids (5 dogs though) so I don't have that as a distraction.... the weekends are the hardest for me but I have no control over what he does so I just take the baby steps I need to take to get to the point where I feel like I can survive this w/out him if thats what ends up happening. We haven't had any intimate moments in the last 6 weeks and only this past week have been able to talk about "stuff" - I love him dearly and unfortunately don't think I realized how much until all this happened. So - I try to take it a day at a time -- and i really do see the struggle in him -- this current affair is just a symptom of other issues he has -which he has pretty much admitted -- along w/ admitting he knows it isn't going any where w/ the whore - but he loves the feeling when he is w/ her (gag)... i'm getting such mixed messages from him and he told me that deep down he thinks we'll get back together but he just can't give up the whore... well, gee, that's great! So - I struggle every day...and pray for alot of strength. I can't give much advice to you cause it seems like we're in the same boat...

<small>[ November 12, 2004, 03:40 PM: Message edited by: stillprocessing ]</small>

Hiya... sorry for not replying sooner.

I agree with Mimi. It's definately time to get bold. I really honestly don't think you have to worry about rejection.

From what you say about the way he still looks at you, I think you have this one in the bag. Of course I could just be projecting my own darn self into your situation... having said that, I'd just like to point out that if your H is going through what I went through, then my advice is good and you've got it made. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

So ya, seduce him. Boldly. You don't have to go to all the trouble of setting up a romantic evening... save that for another time. Right now there are raging needs within him and you should approach him with that in mind.

You want bold? Try cornering him up against a wall. You'll see the look of surprise turn into a look of lustful joy. And if you keep that up for a week, I can almost guarantee that come the weekend he'll find a reason to stay home. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

And also (assuming your H and I have some things in common) once you start needing his need for SF (and the need really goes much deeper than simple SF) you will find that he'll be doing backflips to try to please you and show his appreciation.

Betcha a cup of coffee I'm right...

dewt

dewt -- i really hope to be buying you a cup of coffee... I am still real freaked out by it all - what about the 180 "method" - should i be doing that now? acting disinterested, happy and like i'm moving forward w/ my life??? or, no, do i seduce my WH (who is probably w/ OW as I type this - gag) i am so so so confused... and i really don't mean to second guess all you wise folks but i think i'm just really freaked out by it all.... need more confirmation of my next step -- sorry! seduction? 180?

Two years ago I was in your exact same position.
Read LEMONMAN"S POST to DYING HERE if you find it hard to be a Believer in the MB SYSTEM'

I went through PLAN A, PLAN B and several FALSE RECOVERIES. Now my H and I are happier than ever.

It will take lots of pain and hard work. You will need to put up a fight for your marriage. You have to develop strategies as if you are in a war. Don't just let her have him. The chances of the survival of their relationship is small unless you give him to her on a silver platter.

Do not do the 180!!! Yes, you can and will seduce him> Why not? He is YOUR HUSBAND! Make a claim on what is yours. He chose YOU TO MARRY, her , to have an adulterous affair with. Spend this weekend reading about the MB SYSTEM and DEVELOPING YOUR PLAN to better yourself as a wife.

Believe me, I spent many a weekend alone, knowing that my husband was with another woman. Those were dark, dark days. I thought I would go crazy. I really feel your pain. But believe us here that your chances of being victorious are great.

Start thinking about your WH's primary ENS and what you can do to begin meeting those needs. You have the strategies and this system. The OTHER WOMAN DOES NOT. What she is doing is all show, all fantasy, all play. It will not last. She thinks that she has won. Don't let her. Put up a fight that you have a high likelihood of winning.

We will help you. However, you have to believe in this system. You have to believe in yourself and you have to believe in marriage.

Let's get to work.

<small>[ November 13, 2004, 05:30 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Thanks Mimi -- I knew I could count on a kick in the butt from you -- I know his ENS are SF and affection -- I know for sure that is what whore is fulfilling for him and that is why he is remaining in the fog - he basically said he hasn't really felt those needs have been met for our entire marriage (ouch) unfortunately, I have to agree... I think that is why I'm so freaked out about seducing him... its completely unlike me and i fear he'll think i've become completely desparate or lost my mind (but, to be quite honest, I really do miss him physically as well) So - is a subtle seduction OK? or no? are you ready to kill me yet? I'm driving myself nutty w/ this so i can't imagine how much you may want to strangle me.... sorry.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by stillprocessing:
<strong>I know his ENS are SF and affection </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well then, for crying out loud, don't go all disinterested on him!!! (I dunno if that's what you meant by the 180)

To be sure you want to find some happiness within yourself. That is part of what Plan A is about. If you have a positive, happy disposition, it will make hanging out with you much more attractive than if you act all depressed and upset. (Even though you have every reason too)

As for him saying those needs haven't been met over the entire marriage, well there's a prime example of the wayward re-writing history. That happens. Anyway, regardless of what the truth is, if he said something like that, chances are he (fogbound though he be) believes it.

All this is fine, because it gives you a place to start.

As for the seduction... well don't go overboard. As you say it might cause him to start asking questions that'll get in the way of him accepting that his needs are being met. If I were you, I'd wear something that you know will catch his eye, but that is not over the top. When you notice he's 'looking', that's when you know you got him hooked. From there, put yourself out on a limb and take a chance. Once you have him interested, the entire seduction should take less than a minute or so.

Ya, I know that sounds quick. The idea is to sweep him off his feet. Blow him away. (No pun intended, but what the heck, that might not be such a bad idea <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

And don't make a big deal of it. His impression should be along the lines of that 'you have needs too' and that you miss him... maybe that you're trying to 'reclaim him'. Longer, more romantic intimate moments are important too, and if you can work some of that in, well, it sure won't hurt.

The main idea is to make him realize he's got it better at home than anywhere else.

And be ready to follow through with some lasting changes. This is not a quick fix thing. You can win him back, but you also want to keep him back.

Oh yeah... I take my coffee large, double double.

dewt

Believe me. I know EXACTLY what you are going through right now. I never would have believed that I would be in the position that I am in tonight. I can hardly find time to come online because my FWH wants me to be within him at all times. Right now, he is calling my name as I am typing this.

However, I really want to help you now. I've been thinking about you because I know the nightmare that you are living.

I just read DEWT's post!! I am on the same page with him. Listen to US!!!! We are with you.


You are probably very anxious about this. Take it slow. Don't think about seducing him. Your first goal will be to get into the bed with him and wear something that he would find sexy. Let's see if he will make the first move. It probably won't be Sunday night but later on in the week that he will make his move.

Remember to try not to listen to what he says while he is in the fog. He will try to rewrite history to justify his A by saying he never was in love with you, etc. That is fog talk. He was in love with you and can fall in love with you again.

Think back to your first dates, the first night that you made love. Try to recreate those scenarios. Take it slow. We will make this simple so you will not feel overwhelmed.

I will check back with you as soon as possible.

On to my FWH.

<small>[ November 13, 2004, 06:34 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>