Still:

I'm not yelling at you. I'm trying to encourage you. You are winning this particular battle but seem to be wanting to give up.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> so then I'll just be like - well, I guess you stay and we'll deal... or do I just say - you're staying... doesn't that sound pathetic? I don't want him to feel sorry for me... and I know he's in a fog -- he even desribed himself that way.... wow - Plan A is hard..
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To tell your husband that you want him is not pathetic. It is loving. You want to communicate your love for him and your desire for the marriage. It would be a bad idea to whine, cry or beg. I'm not recommending this. I'm recommending that you directly communicate, with conviction, your love and desire for him. Believe me, that is what the OW is doing. She wants to convince him that you don't care about him and don't want him. Do want your behavior to convey this?

If you go over finances with him, the idea will be to show him that he cannot afford to live elsewhere, that it is a waste of money. However, plan on him not understanding or listening to a word that you are saying.

I repeat:

HE IS FOGGED OUT, TEMPORARILY INSANE, UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF AN ALIEN!!!


You will not convince him of anything at this point. He is coming off a weekend drug high!!!

Do you get this, STILL? It is an important point!!

ummm... holy crap -- WH just called me back -- said he just talked to whore and told her he can't see her anymore -- he loves me and wants to try to work it out... then started crying (me too) wow - i'm shaking so much right now... so now what? i'm leaving work very very soon to get home to him.. what do we do tonight?

NC Letter. I will check back with you later or tomorrow.

Sleep together and make your claims on him. You know what I mean!!!!!

I'm praying for you!!!!


<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ November 18, 2004, 03:29 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mimi1254:
<strong> Sleep together and make your claims on him. You know what I mean!!!!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ya, no kidding. Next time you 'throw something out at him', make sure it's your clothes! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Seriously. Do not rush this. There will be plenty of time for relationship talks... you have the rest of your lives together. Right now... it's first aid time for your marriage. To much R talk at this point will do you no good. And if there is talk, make sure you do more listening than talking.

This weekend will potentially be a toughy. My advice, and please excuse me if I'm coming off as crude, is to 'mark your territory' (No, don't pee on him, silly. You know what I meant.) every night this week. And hopefully a coupla days too. By the time weekend comes around... he'll be in no shape to go anywhere. (devlish grin)

J

Ok... so I'm not going to get an update before work...

I can live with that...

I think...

J

wow - started out a rough night... I got home and he was so upset about hurting the whore's feelings.. he couldn't even look at me - i gave him a huge hug when i got home and he barely responded... so as he's feeling crappy over hurting yet another person and i'm trying to tell him that its normal to feel like that (or so I've read) which is totally killing me -- meanwhile his office phone and cell phone are ringing off the hook cause she keeps calling him... so, i'm feeling like, gee, he's really not going to be able to pull this off... she calls again - he feels like he needs to talk to her one last time (he had already deleted her e-mail addresses and phone numbers, opened up one of her e-mails so i could read it (she was yelling at him) and offered to me all his passwords) so fine i say, talk to her..... he does - i give him privacy... he comes back in - i say are we still on track.."yes".. ok -- then she calls AGAIN!!!! at this point, i'm ready to go ballistic on her... honey - get the point -- OVER..and she told him that if he means its over she's done and not looking back -- but i guess that includes calling 500 times after that... so - he answers...talks to her AGAIN.... i'm really starting to get angry at this point....

So - again I ask, we still on track... "yes"... OK - I tell myself, one day at a time...he'll get through this withdrawal of OW I'll give him space... but <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> he was in bed - asked me to lay w/ him and talk... we did... made my claim a/k/a marked my territory.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> slept connected to each other the rest of the night... soooooo -

how to proceed?? I do like the idea of not much relationship talk for a few days... i need a break... is that a good plan?

oh dear -- OW is insisting on another meeting w/ my husband -- to the point where she says she will drive to our house (8 hours) --

It is important for you to understand how the A is like an addiction. Everytime he has any contact with her, it's back to square one.

He has to immediately completely stop all contact with her! COLD TURKEY and then go through WITHDRAWAL.

First of all, NO PRIVACY between you and him. Why did you give him privacy to talk to her??? NO, NO, NO! He has no right to privacy!!!! He knows this.

He cannot meet with her again or see her again ever in his life. This needs to be said in a letter and/or in your presence by phone.

Then, change his cell numbers and E-MAIL accounts.

The Harleys even recommend that people move away to another city, this is so important.

The FOW in my case did the same things yours is doing. They know they have a spell, the drug to get him back. That's why she wants that meeting with him. If he is serious about this, that meeting cannot occur. From now on, his life has to be an open book as marriage is supposed to be. The secret meetings is how this all got started in the first place.

NO CONTACT WITH HER EVER AGAIN IN HIS LIFETIME IS ESSENTIAL. He certainly continues to want to have contact but it has to cease if you are ever to FULLY RECOVER YOUR MARRIAGE!!!!

I know!! He is now feeling "bad", he had a connection w/ her, doesn't want to hurt her feelings.... I told him that she doesn't want a face to face meeting for closure -- she wants it so she can throw herself at him one more time and make him change his mind.... He knows his marriage needs to be an open book now -- that there are to be no secrets... I told him if he goes to see her -- the marriage is done -- he realizes that... told her he wouldn't see her... oh and then he tells me that his parents went out to dinner w/ him and OW a couple weeks ago -- WHAT?!?!?! How am I supposed to face them ever again?? I can not believe they would do that!

None of this discussion about the past or convincing him not to talk to her or see her.

Also, NO TALK ABOUT IT BEING OVER IF HE SEES HER. Plan on it being hard for him to break off with her. You'll have to accept that and dig in for some hard work here. I'm trying to convince you to stop giving up so easily. You still have to FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE. It's not going to be easy. DO NOT GIVE HIM OVER TO HER! HE'S ALREADY ON YOUR SIDE OF THE FENCE.

Get together with him and do the NO CONTACT LETTER ASAP. Don't be wimpish about it. Matter of factly, tell him that's what you together are going to do. He's looking for you to take the lead here. You are the sane one. He is out of control, beginning drug withdrawal!!!

Remember the DRUG ADDICTION ANALOGY. THis is so important!!!!

Forget about his parents. What do they matter? All that matters is YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND.

<small>[ November 19, 2004, 10:06 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

OK - well, you're right, his parents don't matter - its about me and him.... he is insisting he needs face to face closure w/ her... i tried very hard to make him see how this hurts me and makes me feel -- he "understands" but he needs to get "closure" w/ her so he can continue w/ us.... she's crazy and i'm sure she will try to seduce him and in his state of mind may be succesful -- plan now is that he's flying up there tonight, meeting w/ her, staying at a hotel, w/ a flight out at 6:00 am tomorrow... i asked him to not go... told him i can't handle it - i'm not comfortable that he'll be able to "resist her".. i have no control over it though... now what?? nothing? just wait for his return and hope he still wants to fix us? how on earth do i survive tonight?? i'm planning on leaving work early so i can get home before he goes... i feel like that is all i can do...

oops - double post

<small>[ November 19, 2004, 10:38 AM: Message edited by: stillprocessing ]</small>

I'm so sorry, STILL..

Looks like she already got to him. I wish I could reach out and hug you.

They are likely to have a passionate, ectastic reunion if he goes.

Your best bet is for him not to go. Try to convince him not to go that by him going he is showing that her feelings count more than yours. He is continuing to hurt you by doing this. Like sinking a dagger into your heart.

Do not beg, yell or scream when you meet with him though. That will allow him to justify this weekend in his mind and will make it better for him/them.

Do not buy that he has to have closure!! He is BSing you on that one. BEEN THERE DONE THAT. My FWH said the same thing. He is just not finished with her.

You will need to, if you choose to, continue with your PLAN A, for awhile.

Try to find someone to spend this weekend with or try to figure out someway to cope through the weekend.

How about trying to get some help from others here. Start a new post entitled: URGENT HELP NEEDED and explain what is happening.

HANG IN THERE!! It might be a rough weekend for you but it is not necessarily all over. He is doing his cake-eating.

A no contact letter is the best way to get closure.

Simple, effective, and a lot cheaper than a plane ticket.

J

He won't do the no contact letter... I'm hoping he'll be home tomorrow morning.... I am leaving work early to get home to see him before he goes - I told him this hurts like h*ll -- he still says he has to go -- I know cake eating... I've got no control over what he is doing - he's going - already got his tickets.... he thinks this is the only way to move on w/ us... wow - well, I'll go home, see him, then try to find some way to distract myself until he gets home... I'll will re-post an URGENT message too... thanks.

As much as it hurts to hear this, you've got to know that he is lying to you. If he wants to really reconcile with you, he would not fly out there. When he is finished, he will be finished but he is not ready yet.

He is going out there to have a fun time with her. They will have an ecstatic reunion. Don't let him build you up like this. I think it will hurt you more.

I have BEEN THERE with a cake-eater.

You still don't seem to buy the fact that he is ADDICTED.

You can't put an alcoholic in a room filled with liquor. It's like a kid in a candy store. She got to him when he talked you into that private conversation. WHAT BULL!!!

It makes me sick that this has happened to all of us!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by stillprocessing:
<strong> he's going - already got his tickets.... he thinks this is the only way to move on w/ us... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You do realize this is a lie, don't you? This trip proves he has no such intention at all. Go by his ACTIONS, sp, not his lying words.

MEL:

Has she done PLAN A long enougn to effectively do PLAN B?

I remember many a weekend that my FWH was gone and you guys encouraged me to stick to my PLAN A.

Mimi, really the key is not the length of time, but the effectiveness of the Plan A and the state of the marriage before the affair. I haven't followed her story so I don't know where she stands.

That being said, Harley does say that it is time to go into Plan B when a) the WS is cake-eating and/or b)the WS is destructive. To me, openly flying out to rendevous with the OW is both.

I meant that she hasn't done an effective PLAN A.

Then again, I was also counseled to stay in PLAN A as long as possible.

I have to agree that her WH's behavior is very destructive but she has sort of indicated to him before this that she did not want the marriage. Just in the past few days she's made a change.