I know this is really stupid of me and maybe I just need some 2x4's, but I've been having a few really bad days. FWH and I are doing well. He tells me every day that there is no contact. I want to believe, but of course, have doubts. He's been very, very busy with school and that's left me feeling a little lonely. We're not spending as much time together as I would like, but he is definitely trying very hard. He tells me he loves me and only me and wants to make me happy.

Anyway, right now I'm feeling very inadequate and insecure. This is so unlike me. I am a very attractive woman and haven't felt this way since high school. I'm 5'7 and weigh around 117 pounds. I've been working out at the gym for the last two months and have toned up alot and lost a few pounds. The problem is my breasts are getting smaller as I lose weight. From what my FWH tells me, the OW has huge breasts. She's a much larger person altogether. FWH definitely likes large breasts. We have been having fantastic SF, but over the last week or so, I've felt self-conscious about my size. I know I shouldn't be comparing myself to OW, but it's so hard not to. Especially when I know this is one of the things he was attracted to and I can see that mine are getting smaller!

Last night FWH asked if this was something that bothered me enough that I might want to get a boob job. Well, I thought it was odd since he has always said that he didn't like "fake" breasts. It seemed like he was trying to tell me that he wanted me to. He said that he just wants me to be happy, but I'm really wondering how important this is to him. I hate the idea that I would be willing to do something so drastic to please my FWH. I'm just feeling terribly insecure and am having a hard time pushing these thoughts out of my mind. I'm afraid it's going to affect our recovery and certainly our SF if I can't get these thoughts under control.

Any men out there want to shed some light on the importance of large breasts? Any women want to shed some light on what they were willing to do to please FWH? I'd appreciate any feedback at all - even 2x4s. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SJ'sViolet:
<strong>Any men out there want to shed some light on the importance of large breasts?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you want the opinion of real men or shallow men?

This probably answers your question, huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 10, 2004, 11:35 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Hi Violet,

I think most,if not all women,at some point have insecurities about their appearance.I think it's normal too since we are bombarded from all angles of how we should be "better" in every way imaginable.I am waiting for the backlash against men to get penile enlargments while all these women are out going under the knife to get bigger breasts to please their mates or to feel better about themsleves or having vaginal "tightening" surgery. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Geeze.

IMO,I don't think you should have to undergo surgery to make your WH happy within your relationship.Of course every one has their own opinion about this but I would not expect my H or mate to undergo any unnecessary surgery just for appearance unless it were medically appropriate(burn victim,breast cancer mastectomy patient,etc).I just cannot see falling into that trap of superficiality.

The same thing you referred to happened to me after having to children(decreased breast size) but you know what? I don't care.If the person I am with or that I love cannot love me for who I am and how I look then there's the door.If it's one pet peeve I have it's the notion that we have to keep bettering ourselves to keep up with the Jones'es.I just can't be bothered with that.If all a man sees is big boobs then who wants to be with a shallow person.No,we cannot all look like models and porn stars and who would want to anyway.That just feeds into the fantasy based ideologies that A's fit in with.It's not REALITY.

JMVHO. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

O

I am assuming you had small breasts when your H met and decided to marry you right? Then breast size is not all that important to your H.

If he has decided to make it an issue NOW then obviously he`s not a keeper. If you HAVE TO have big breasts for him now then he`s VERY shallow and not worth the time, money and pain you would have to go through.

But I`m not so sure it is such a big deal for him. Okay he may like big breasts and OW may have been chosen for that reason but come on....do you REALLY think he had that A just because of your chest size?

My H likes flat stomachs. His OW had a flat stomach. I have never had a flat stomach...not even before giving birth to two babies. Even thin I have always had a paunch.

After d-day I became obsessed with my paunch. I lost weight but that paunch remained. I also considered plastic surgery. At first H in his desperation that I feel better about myself and regain my self esteem agreed to it. But then he backtracked....said I didn`t need it...he liked flat stomachs but didn`t want me to have surgery just to please him. He said he loved me just as I was. He loved me paunch and all.

The reason why this thread caught my eye was because I used to have VERY large breasts. They were natural. I HATED them.

My back always hurt and they are the reason why I have my blasted paunch TODAY...I was always stooped over...

Men could never look me in the eye. It was disgusting to have men talk to my chest. It creeped me out. So when I was 22 I had a breast reduction.

One of my better decisions. My back stopped hurting...I could actually finally buy suits in one size instead of having to buy different sized tops and bottoms. Clothes overall looked better on me....The surgery took a good 15 pounds off of my looks although only about 3lb was removed.

And people treated me differently. I stopped getting so many disgusting creepy come ones from strangers. For some reason big boobs makes many men think you are easy.

I still don`t have small breasts... but at least now they are holding up. At 22 my big chest was already heading south. Without my clothes on I look younger now than I did at 22 with a large chest.

Perhaps I am somewhat biased...but I always shake my head when I hear about women getting breast enlargements. I had the real deal and they were a REAL pain.

SJ'Violet,

I paid for my WW's implants years ago because SHE wanted them. I always thought my wife was drop dead gorgeous and I DEFINITELY did not want them.

I will say it SEEMED to improve the negative view she had of her own body. For that reason I was happy for her.

BTW I always felt that if us males could get penis implants as easily and effectively as a woman, we'd be displaying it on the outside of our pants!!!

SJ,

There are always things to obsess about.

Many guys have similar insecurities about their *ahem* endowment. I have to admit, in fact, that is one of the things I was worried about after D-Day.

But...I think it comes down to this: how do YOU feel about yourself and your body? Comparing yourself to the OW is going to do nothing but drive you crazy.

Instead, I've tried to take a different approach: looking in the mirror each mornign and asking myself how she could possibly want anyone else.

I sympathize with what you're feeling. My H's OW had fake breasts and yes, he liked them. I don't know how men really feel about "real" vs. "fake" but I saw an interview with Hugh Hefner of Playboy recently where he said they prefer playboy models with real breasts, no matter what size than girls with huge implants. That was the fad of the 80's where in all of the centerfolds had huge, fake boobs. Other surveys you read purpotedly say men prefer real over fake. I don't know what the truth is. For my H, I don't think he knew her breasts were fake until he saw them. They aren't big, but naturally b/c they are silicone, they are very firm. For my H it was probably a little exciting b/c he'd never been with a woman with fake breasts. I think every guy wants to try them out, even if they later conclude they prefer real over fake. I wear a "D" cup myself, but my breasts are real and soft. They're not "National Geographic" breats by any means, but they're real, they move and they're not unrealistically firm like fake ones are. I'd consider a lift some day when gravity starts to make me self-conscious, but I wouldn't go and get implants just for my H. If I did, I'd fall over from the weight of them! I'm only 5'4" tall. I can't imagine going any bigger just to firm them up like oranges.

-SNS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cymanca:

BTW I always felt that if us males could get penis implants as easily and effectively as a woman, we'd be displaying it on the outside of our pants!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh good lord!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pep

Jelly told me I wasn't allowed to post here because I had the opposite problem at one time but I'm gonna anyway.

If your back DOES NOT HURT all the time....IF YOU DO NOT HAVE TO HUNCH YOUR SHOULDERS TO CARRY YOUR CHICHIS....then you do not need to mess with what God gave you.

JMHO. I'd give my left pinky toe to even now be able to wear half the cute tops you can wear....and that's after surgery. May I also tell you that even tho they hide the scars very well now, they are still scars and they do NOT tell you that the first time your bandages come off, you want to cry because you didn't get into this to end up looking like Bride of Frankenstein all stitched together (they don't stay that way, but you STILL will scar).

(this is me green with envy AND sticking my tongue out at you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

Daisy:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My back always hurt and they are the reason why I have my blasted paunch TODAY...I was always stooped over...

Men could never look me in the eye. It was disgusting to have men talk to my chest. It creeped me out </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">By George, I think we were twinkies separated at birth...I got mine fixed at 32 (I also celebrate "da girls" birthday.....do you?) I lost 8 lbs when they fixed da girls. EIGHT POUNDS...that's...that's...a baby...or a small turkey....geesh.

Go buy the cutest top - Violet. You can, you lucky girl you!

oops.

<small>[ November 10, 2004, 12:39 PM: Message edited by: Daisy37 ]</small>

SNS,

I don`t know about you but I can spot fakes at 50 paces. H can can spot them now too since I told him what to look for.

My H is not into a big chest and he told me if I hadn`t had the surgery he might not have given me a second look. Funny huh? Different strokes for different folks.

But from what I hear most men prefer real big or small.

I am kind of conflicted as to whether I consider my breats "natural" or not. I did have surgery on them so in that way no they are not "real' But other than the small scar on the underside they do look real. And they feel real. You can`t bounce a quarter off of mine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I was afraid that men would be turned off by the scars. But none were. Not by the man I was married to at the time of my surgery, not the one man I dated after my D before I met my present H... and not H either. So I guess it just goes to show you...it`s not the individual body parts that attracts most men...it`s the whole package.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Niosgirl:
<strong>
(I also celebrate "da girls" birthday.....do you?) </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No I don`t celebrate their birthday but whenever I am stuck with some bore at a social function droning on and on about their latest health crisis I tell them ALL about my surgery...EVERYTHING that was involved...and they back away slowly <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

A lot of DJ's being slung about here. Every person has a right to decide if physical attributes are important to them. It's no more shallow than deciding that you want to hook up with someone who is intelligent, articulate, trim, or rubenesque. This an old argument here.

That said, this is not the point of this thread AT ALL.
Violet...your reaction is quite normal and predictable. The OW was different from you. Because you believe he was "lured away" by her "charms", you conclude that you must be more like her to keep him happy. In my case, my OW had long blond hair (think Faith Hill) and my wife has a cute brunette bob (think Martina McBride). Both are quite beautiful. My affair was about CHANGE for me. The OW was new and different. My wife's early inclination after my affair was to want to becaome more like the OW...e.g. get a dye job and grow her hair out.
NO, NO, NO...I don't want her to be like the OW. I want her to be her. Just because I admitted that I did like OW's hair, my wife felt that meant I DIDN'T like hers. It was never a case of "either/or" for me. If I had wanted the OW, I could've had the OW. I didn't.

Low

<small>[ November 10, 2004, 01:06 PM: Message edited by: LowOrbit ]</small>

An uncaring comment. (in response to Low)

Its gone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 10, 2004, 01:41 PM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

Well guys, I have to tell you that you all helped me feel much better about things. Ironically, I found out just a little while ago that a mutual friend of FWH and mine saw OW recently. I emailed him and asked what he thought. I've never seen her and was VERY interested in another man's opinion. Well, my friend emailed back that he and other friends are "Very very confused" by the whole thing. He also said, "You're HOT, She's NOT." Man did that make my day or what!! I know, I know, it's not a competition. But I have to admit that it feels good to know that even if my FWH doesn't see it, I still got it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Cymanca,
your comment about men cracked me up. I've actually said something similar to my FWH in the past.

Octobergirl,
What you say about fantasy really strikes a chord with me. I sometimes think that my FWH spends alot of time in fantasyland. I always thought it was kinda charming and sweet, but now I'm afraid that it's more dangerous than I thought. I've always been the one dealing with the every day crap. He has led a pretty cushy life with me. He's a musician and of course still holds onto those fantasies of fame, etc. One of our biggest problems has always been his independent lifestyle and my resenting the fact that I'm left holding the bag for everything. I thought he was finally coming around before I found out about the A. He's going back to school to be a teacher and really loving it. This is something I'm going to have to think and read more about. hmmmm.... food for thought.

LowOrbit,
Thank you so much for your post. I understand exactly what you're saying. I never thought of it that way before, but it makes perfect sense. As a matter of fact, I think I told my FWH that if we split up, the next guy I would look for would be dark and ethnic, the exact opposite of pale Irish FWH.

So, no boob job for me. I'm beautiful just the way I am. And I think I WILL go out and buy myself a new top.

Violet

Hi Violet! I am a BW, I've got 4 beautiful girls...after having these 4 babies and losing a considerable amount of weight after the A, my breasts were definitely slaughtering my already damaged self esteem. I had breast augmentation...for ME not my H! I am so happy I did! I love them, my H loves them. My H didn't encourage me to get them, it was more just what would make me happy. I can tell you they did not solve any of our marital problems, but they did help me. If that makes me shallow, so be it..but I love the way I look now, and I love the way I look in clothes and out of them. If was affecting our SF; so I guess you can say my H benefited greatly as well. I'm ready for the 2x4's!

Hi, I don't have the time to read the other responses. But snap! for having same problem as me. I'm 115lbs with normal size boobs for my size - but I've breast fed two kids who are now grown up. H's OW whas half my age with huge breasts. So I was nearly 50 on d-day and been happily married for 30 yrs. Am attractive, for my age. Very attractive, says she humbly. I am a daily swimmer and have been for a long time - so am trim and toned. But getting past the thought of a 26 yo, taking off her bra to show my 50 yo husband her, and I quote him; large, high, firm breasts that were a 9 (out of 10 apparently) with her dark skin (asian). It would have looked and felt fantastic to a man of his age.

The complicating factor is that my mother was dying of breast cancer on d-day and died a few months later. I am at high risk and always having cysts drained. I cannot affort to mess with my breasts - I'm just hoping they don't kill me.

But yes the image of her large firm high breasts has haunted me for a very long time. I get so annoyed about all the advertising with women showing most of their enormous breasts to our husbands.

Anyway, at the end of the day it's not about breasts. Tummytuck lives in my city and she is lovely to look at with large breasts. He H has gone off with a Chinese lady with hardly any breasts. It's got a lot more to do with other things than breasts - though to be honest, in my case I think her breasts were the deciding factor.

Don't have a boob job for your H. It's dangerous and personally I'd suggest you get another H over new breasts.

AN

jellywink, I am happy for you. I just can't risk such an op with my fibrocystic breast disease. BUT as soon as I can find a first rate plastic surgeon, I'm having a face lift. This is because of H's affair. I have a lovely body for my age - better than most 30 yo's. I would like to have my face match my body. (too many wrinkles) I too wish to join the shallow team!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Shallowville here I come!!
I could go for a boobjob- breastfed three kids, dropped 50+# in 3 months, my breast were the first to go. My H has never said anything about mine (still a b- but still! guess I should be happy with it), the OP had a fairly large chest that H has made comments about what she could do with them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> YUCK.
Also a tummytuck would be great to get rid of that baby bulge that won't seem to go away.

I am very self-consious. I am 26, 5'6, wear a 8/9 give or take depending on the brand, but I hate and love the way I look. To clarify- I hate the way I look naked, but feel pretty good about myself when I am clothed. Make since?

<small>[ November 10, 2004, 10:09 PM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>

Breast size.

A strange thing to consider.

I guess I'm somewhere in the middle since those who are larger than me comment how nice it must be to 'be small' like me

and those who are flatter than me comment on how lucky I am to 'have large breasts'

LOL.

With the comments I've had pelted at me left and right I don't know whether I'm big or small.

I know I would never get augmentation even if I were smaller.

Good posture, pretty bras, good attitude. That is what I would aim for.

If you got your breasts augmented and your H left you, big breasted and all......wouldn't you be quite peeved?