I spoke to my ws last night about the voicemail from the ow. he still denies anything and says he has no idea why she would be crying because he did not call her. He insists he wants to work things out and wants me to get a family share plan so I will feel like I can monitor his calls more easily. Can I believe him when he is still not willing to make the nc letter or call to her.

I want to work things out but I still feel so angry right now. I can not bring myself to wear my wedding ring (I took it off in the initial anger phase of d day). I have actually developed a rash on my ring finger now. I have lost 7 lbs since saturday. I have tried eating but I just gag before I can even swallow anything. The dry heaves just keep happening every night, further keeping me from sleeping.

I have never had this kind of physical reaction to stress. I have always viewed bad things as a part of life and happening for a reason. Then again I have always had my ws to support me through all the other bad times. Now it is just me dealing with this. I have no more vacation days from work (I used them all to set up our new "home"), and work over hour away so I cannot find the time to make an appt. with a counselor at this point.

I feel like I am drowning more and more every day. Any advice would be appreciated.

I don't really know what to tell you to make it better. I guess I just want to let you know that I know how you feel. I lost 12 pounds in a week and a half, couldn't eat - it made me sick. My MC said that it is the body's reaction to immense stress. Stress wreaks havoc on your digestive system.

Sorry you are going through this. I just got back to eating again and now am going through a really rough next 3 days while my WW decides if she wants to work on our M or if she wants to move on.

MIF

I hope everything works out for you. I know how the anticipation feels. I have finally decided, despite reading how everyone says you have to just deal with the lies, that I am going to confront him one last time. He either tells me everything (which I already know) and we enter counseling, or we get a seperation. I know everyone here thinks that you need to give them love and support and all that, but he had my love and support and he still cheated. I moved across 2 states for him, bought the house on my own, made the move on my own, told him he could quit his job if he was unhappy and move or do anything he wanted. I even offered to support him through school if he wanted that. And the whole time, he was just plotting ways to get a chance to call her or see her. I keep finding out more information about the affair, and each little piece is like a dagger, killing all I thought we had. All the lies just makes me wonder if what I thought were good times were just a lie too. I am willing to go for counseling but only if he does full disclosure (admits to the sexual contact) and is willing to take responsibility for the past and help for fixing the future. Otherwise, I think in the long run I will be better off without him.

slacker, I understand how you are feeling. Most of us BS's have been there, done that, got the t-shirt. I lost 35 pounds in 6 weeks. I have never reacted to stress like that either. If anything, when stressed, I usually ate more! And it is your body's reaction to extreme stress. So, that said, I want to put a word of caution out to you on making any decisions right now, one way or the other.

This is a M. These are extreme emotions. I know it is hard for you to see past the immediate need to know everything, have it all in the open. You can love your spouse through this, or not, that is your choice. My point is that he has lived in lies and secrecy for a while now. It will not be so easy for him to just shut that off.

WS's tend to follow patterns, and those of us who read here compulsively for months on end (um, like me), see those patterns. Usually, while still "foggy," WS will only disclose the information THEY feel is important. This is not necessarily information YOU feel is important. It will take him a while, IMO, to turn his thinking around. Pushing and rushing that process is often not productive.

Your idea that we are into handholding, and being all patient and loving, is not totally accurate. We are simply acknowledging that there is a natural process to these things, and several experts in the field of infidelity have realized this as well, and they teach us to be patient and loving while the process unfolds.

Have you seen your doctor? I did, and she prescribed me anti-anxiety medication. Really turned me around physically. I could eat a bit again, I could sleep, I could have rational thoughts, not just going from one cry session to the next.

If you are going to make MC a condition of remaining M'd, you should probably pick out a MC yourself, and so once your WH gives you the OK, you are that close to setting up the appointment. It will also show WH that you mean what you say. YOUR actions will speak louder than your words to him right now, just as YOU are looking to HIS actions to validate his words.

OK, so make a doctor's appointment (at the very least, your doc needs to know what you are going through, so you can be monitored), perhaps from that doctor get a MC referral (or from friends/family/company). Doing those things might just give you some of your "center" back, so you can make decisions based more in the long-term.

Hang in there! Keep posting. You can get through this.

Spidey

dangnabbit double post!

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 08:10 AM: Message edited by: Spider Slayer ]</small>

Today is just a really bad day. I finally pieced together the information and figured out who the girl really is. It turns out she is a friend of his friends fiance. And I remembered she was at a party we went to previously and kept looking at him, like she loved him. I remember thinking it was strange and asking him who she was. He denied knowing her, just saying he had seen her at another party before but that was it. Having a face, and knowing that he had the ba!!s to touch me in front of her is killing me.

I know that giving the person time is important. And I know that my wh feels somehow that he cannot talk to me. I would love to be able to sit and talk rationally with him but I cannot do that right now. My brain keeps telling me that if he wanted her that badly to treat me like a piece of dirt while he was with her, than he can just and have her. My heart tells me that he is my one true love and I will be an empty soul without him.

As far as getting to a doctor, like I said I just moved to another state. I do not have a doctor right now. And my insurance is not valid in this state yet. One other thing, I actually love the way my body is looking right now, and am starting to feel that I do not want to try to eat. I always had a paunch and a bigger butt. I no longer do. Could it be that I am starting to be anorexic? I know that most anorexic start because controlling their food intact seems like the only thing they can control in their life. And i feel the same way right now.

I also do not know anyone in Delaware yet. My husband knows people from the academy but I know he will not be willing to ask them for a good marriage counselor. There are numbers that you can call through his job, but I do not think he would be willing to go through the job either. He likes to keep the "appearance" of a good ethical cop.

Slacker I had all your symptoms. Drinking pop, milk and exercising was very useful to me - even better than A-ds which didn't really suit me.
The worst symptoms wore off after two weeks, and my appetite finally returned after five weeks.

Keep healthy mate, whatever happens in yoru marriage ,the healthier you are the better it will be.

All blessings. You can get through this. In a month you will be stronger that you can imagine

Yes, the silver lining in this stressful rain cloud is the fact that we are losing weight. I could stand to lose a few more pounds and the way things are going I am well on my way.

MIF
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I know all of you are feeling the same way. I fluctuate between loving him completely and wanting to work it out, to complete anger with him and how he could do this to us, to depression and crying phases. I think what makes it harder for me is that I cannot talk to him about it right now. I found out on Saturday, we talked and fought for 2 days, then he went back to training on Monday morning. While he is in training he cannot call me or come home. Luckily I have a full time job and I go to school at night to keep my mind somewhat occupied, but the drive home at night and the hours between getting home and trying to force an hour or two sleep are so lonely and stressful. Yes the weight loss is good in a way, I am back to the weight I was when I was 18. But I would much rather have an extra 10 lbs (i lost two more since yesterday) and him than this.

I agree with all of you. I worry about my health changes but like the fact I lost 15 pounds in less than 2 weeks. Only eating one meal a day (lunch), I kinda pride myself in that. Also was running a couple miles a day. Not as much anymore but am having the urge to start going again. Stopped running and started to eat more dessert type foods. Need to keep from losing more weight as my clothes are hanging and I can't afford to buy a whole new wardobe now. The biggest difference now is sleep. Only sleep for a max 4 hours a night now. Finally fall asleep at 3 get up at 6:30, no alarm clock needed. Don't watch TV much either, it's on for background noise, but I am always focused on some household project. Noticed I have been cleaning a lot and completing those put off projects. Work feverishly into the night telling myself "Gotta get this done before she comes home". Preparing for the day. Ironically, she spent the day at our house cleaniong yesterday too. Does that mean she is preparing the nest for her return?

I'd rather it be how it used to be: fat, happy, and in love.

bear you are so right. fat, happy and in love is the way to be.

I know everyone says I am still in shock and should not do anything but I have researched apartment complexes in my area. I just keep thinking about this fight that we had a month ago when I told him I felt he was cheating. I was crying and begging him to just be honest with me and talk to me more. He kept denying everything, told me I was being unreasonable and insanely jealous and that he was not sure if we could make things work out as long as I acted that way. When I got the proof, I saw that on his cell phone, he called her 3 times that day to talk to her. I was begging for him to work it out, and he was talking to her. And kept on doing it for a month after.

I just do not see after reflecting on this that he is willing to work on us, or change in any way. The only thing that he has done differently is change his cell phone, which he refused to do last month. But he probably just found another way to talk to her.

He left me a message yesterday from a friends phone, in the background I could hear his friends saying "The nextel thing he had to do, what's to stop her from doing something crazy and using the excuse I couldn't trust him"
I wondered what he told his friends. He is constantly using the excuse that I get to jealous so he can not tell me when he has girl "friends" to justify why he lies. This is not the first incident. Last year he had an ea with a coworker he claims because "I was mean to him". My father had just passed away, we had just gotten married and he went on 2nd shift and we barely talked. I did not have enough time with him to be mean.

I am sure he did not tell his friends the whole truth. But what would he tell them that would make them think I would do something crazy. I was more calm this time than last time. I did not make him get rid of the cell phone, I told him there was no way I could believe by his word that he would just end it. He destroyed the phone on his own. I did tell him I thought it might be possible for a seperation. We own 2 houses. I told him he could have the rental property. I wanted the new house and the dogs, and nothing else. I even told him he could have everything in the new house. Is that unreasonable? Is that crazy? I think that is a normal reaction when you first find out something like this. In anger, I did ask him how he would feel if I just went out and screwed around too. I am not an unattractive woman and I have my share of offers. Do you think he believed I would do that while he is away? Unlike my ws I have moral and ethics and would never consider breaking my vows while they are still legal even if I could do it emotionally. I think he might be thinking that though. I changed my cell phone number this week while he was gone and I was not home when he tried calling me at 9:00 p. Is it possible, he thinks I left him while he is gone? Maybe it will knock some sense into him.

[]bslacker[/b], I didn't mean to imply that this was a healthy way to lose weight. Just that some weight is coming off, the only silver lining for those of us who needed to shed a few.

Your feelings, I think, are normal. This whole thing is an emotional roller coaster. One minute you want to strangle them and leave, the next you want to work it out. One thing I was told by others here is to not make any decisions while your angry. That is so true, you don't think straight and do and say things you don't really mean.

Is your husband in training to be cop now? When he leaves on Monday to go back is he there for the week and can't call you at all during the week? What agency, Delaware State Police?

MiF?

I never meant to imply that you meant it like that. I know that we all have to find some positive note out of all the bad thoughts in our head.

My husband was a cop in Philly (where he met OW, she was a distraught abused wife, hero complex for him I'm sure). He has since quit and yes is now in training with the DSP. He has to live there and cannot call legally. Previously he snuck calls on his cell phone, to me as well as her but with the phone being destroyed this weekend he could not call. The affair has continued though despite him not working in Philly. The day we moved, he stopped at her house on the way to our new house.

I just do not understand what he was thinking. The sex was always good. In 10 years, I have never said no or not enjoyed it. I never complained about him going out with friends. I waited up for him just to talk to him and make him dinner when he was on 2nd shift. I have tried to be as there for him as I could. I just cannot understand why he started this.

Which brings me to my next question, after wh destroyed the phone, he wanted to have sex right away. I wanted the feel normal I guess closeness so I went along, but I felt like a robot. I had no feeling at all. Is this normal? Should sex continue through plan a even if you are now emotionally withdrawn?

Have you read His Needs, Her Needs? I would suggest that book. I would guess, that you were not meeting some of his needs. I know I was falling far short of meeting my WW's needs and she turned to another man. I have learned a lot as a result of my situation and am trying to make the changes in me to meet my WW's needs. You can read about emotional needs here on this site too.
Emotional Needs

I have also begun to read The Five Love Languages which showed me I was not speaking the same language as my WW. I am in the process of learning a new language so I can. I would recommend both books to you. If you could get him to read them that may help too.

MiF?


edited to add: I'm not sure if you should continue with the SF if you are not into it or not. Perhaps someone else with more experience with how this works will come along and answer that.

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 03:55 PM: Message edited by: marriage is forever? ]</small>

I got home today to find that my wh had sent me a dozen red roses. The card read "To my loving wife, I love you, T". I guess he got scared when my cell phone was shut off. The problem is instead of being happy he is making an effort, all I could think was that if he could find time to call a florist and if he could remember our address when he has only really lived here 3 days out of 2 weeks, then he could certainly have remembered a number he called 300 times in 3 months and have time to call that as well. I hate feeling suspicious all the time. Is this a normal thing in plan a? I would like to try plan a but if he really tries and I cannot get past the mistrust it would just hurt him. Despite everything, the last thing I want to do is hurt him.