Dear Brother,
I would love to go to the baptisim, however, H and I long ago made plans for that day, and I don't think it would be good for our M to change them.

Thanks so much for the invitation, It is much appriciated. I'm sure there will be lots more times we will be able to come visit.

Sincerely, KMEJ


Some things are more important that others. Your marriage relationship is more important than almost anything else.

Other things (emergencies, like the death of a parent) would preempt even a anniversery trip with cruise ticketts already purchased.

We usually go with our first plans, and just let things (or people) that come along after know we already have something else.

If you don't take the time for your marriage, you won't ever get it, something else will always come along.

SS

I am thinking he is Bi-Polar.

Wow, a Vikings Fan! I'm a huge Packer Fan! Sorry about the loss to the colts...I hope we fair well against you guys this weekend!

Go to the game and have a great time...I always do when I go to see the Packers! Go Pack Go!

a phsyco path might be a bit much. bi-polar as well. Depressed, yeah I could go with that one!!

Came home and H is all upset because too much water is out of the hottub, and he found a ciggarette butt floating in it. I can understand the butt thing, as we do not smoke, but the low water thing? I explained again what he already knows, that I had a few girls over. Did not see what the big deal was, but listened to his concerns and asked what I could do to make it better. He said there was nothing I could do until I admitted that I was wrong. (wrong to have people over and drink with them. The host is always supose to be in complete control- that is his stance).

I stayed calm. Said I would clean out the hottub, add more water, and that I was sorry that that happened.

H asked me to iron his shirt and he left for work.

As far as the Vikings go, yeah that was a tough loss. I am hopeing we clean house this Sunday <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> (sorry all Packers fans- but as a Vikings fan I am sure you understand) Not saying that we will, we have been sucking the last few weeks. A girl can hope <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Actually, KMEJ, I said yo uwere describing a sociopath, not a psychopath. There's a difference.

But once again I am confused. I thought your husband was fine with your "night of freedom." He was out hunting, right? He already KNEW that you had people over.

Is it possible that he is simply trying to re-assert control over you, given what's happened the last couple of days? Contacting the school counselor actually took some independence on your part. That has to scare him.

"The host is always supposed to be in COMPLETE CONTROL - that is his stance." Those are your words...think carefully about them.

Actually he does not know that I contacted the social worker, or that my mom has talked with his school. He does not want to talk about it. Says it just makes him angry, so I have not told him yet.

Actually I think that is part of the reason he was upset when I got home from work about the hot tub. Because I told him that we needed to talk about the A.M. situation. I think this was his attempt at detouring that, and it worked. Smart man.

He knew I had people over, and your right was okay with it, until this whole subject of morning neglect came up. Then he found ciggarette butts, low water, (opps <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> - we were splashing, but did not think it was that bad.)

I do think he was just trying to get out of the conversation planned.

AndrewA-
you are right, I never put two and two together before. COntrol, everything is about control. He said that the host should not be drinking in case something were to happen, or to make sure things do not happen.

wonder where he got that from? his desire to hold the cards.

It sounds like a diversion to me. More than that, though..it was a chance for him to exert power over you. Don't let him do that.

This hot tub night..it was just women? Any idea how the cigarette butt got in there?

yeah- 3/5 women there smoke. They got playful, splashing and stuff. One must have dropped it in the hot tub. Not good for the water, or for my saying it was just a innocent little get together.

I know H is upset, however, I do not understand why it is that he is upset. The hot tub loses water all the time. It was just because I was the one home and he was out of town and he wants to find fault in what I did so he can be upset. At least that is what I am thinking......

kmej,

You know my stance on your marriage, try to save it. But, you know what...I just read the whole morning thread...and I know abit about your situation. I'm saying this in your best interest, take the football game for what it is, one last good memory. You need to end this relationship. I'm not saying you need to divorice your husband, but, the man that he is...I grew up with him.

One thing you have said...your son is well behaved around you (7 yr shows off to mom making breakfast, getting ready for school) -- he's demonstrating to you what he can be when he grows up, what a strong good man can be. He doesn't do those for your husband because he is disgusted with his father's behavior.

In time, your son is going to grow to resent YOU. That you didn't protect him from this environment...that is where I am at now. I probably have more contempt for my mother, than my wife's affair (just about an even check actually--maybe that gives you a glimpse at what sort of emotions YOU are creating for your son).

What would happen if you just got to the table with your husband and told him "This is the end of the stuff". Stuff means all the way he disrespects you and your children. If you lay one more hand on me, ever, I will press charges and we will be divoriced before you get back out of jail. When you court me, you do things that excite me, not just things that you like also. I better not wonder anymore about you being in contact with OW. You need to show me it's a thing of the past. I need you to show me you want to be a husband to me. I need you to show me you love your children and want to be an active father with them, for the boring hard stuff, not just the fun stuff. We are at the end of this lifestyle. I welcome a future with you, but I will not continue to live in this past you have created.

Can you have that conversation with your husband without fear of physical abuse? I understand you might fear his answer...but, if you think he might 'explode' on you or your kids, guess what...yep, it's time to flee. Be strong.

I can have that conversation. I want to have that conversation. H just keeps side stepping it, creating issues that do not need to be created. When that conversation takes place 1 of 2 things will happen.
1. he will listen to what I have to say, actully hear what I am saying, get upset and learn from it.
2. He will let me talk, make fun of me, turn it around that it is all my fault, or that I am trying to blame him for everything. Tell me it was a mistake to ever come back that I will never change, and try to make me feel bad. leave all angry and pretend the whole conversation never happened, and be good for a few weeks.

can you guess which one I have experienced several times?

call me dumb, or tell me to look it up in a dictionary- but what exactly is a sociopath?

Sociopath..

One who is affected with a personality disorder marked by antisocial behavior.

Now look up antisocial behavior traits. Compare/contrast?

KMEJ- I never posted to you before, but I always read your posts. You are so young to be handling so much in your life. You sound very mature, and I think you are handling pretty well your situation with your husband, your mom, your kids.
I have a daughter your age, and she is still in diapers if I compare her to you.
Your husband will be fool if he lets you go. You are a good wife and mother.You are very strong staying by your husband when he treats you the way he does. You have a lot in your hands to handle on your own. I really admire your efforts to save your marriage.
My best of luck to you!!

Myrta

sociopath nails my husband on the head. how does one help in that situation?

Also Myrta-
thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I do appriceate them greatly. I do not feel wise most days. Actually I tend to feel used and stupid. However I continue to hold my head up and face another day. Never knowing what that day will bring.

Today brough an upset Husband- and a conflict. Not bad in the whole scheme of things.

We are almost to another day, if we are so lucky <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

rather surprised, haven't heard anything yet from my family tonight. Maybe they will let this one slide.

Oh yeah- family is mad-Brother is takeing it as a personal attack on him, and is not understanding at all. My sister is instant messageing me right now to find out why. Reason not really exceptable. They think I did it on purpose. That I should go to the baptism and that I am just starting another battle. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
Not the case at all. I knew it would turn into this, that is why I asked you all first.

I can never win- or even break even

<small>[ November 10, 2004, 10:49 PM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>

Good luck KMEJ

You don't need this piled on top of your other probs. I say go to the game and try and enjoy yourself.

kmej,
DO NOT take the bait. They are trying to stir up trouble. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Your brother takes it as a personal "attack"? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

A baptism is something between parents, their baby and God. If family can be there, all the better, but it is not a show, it is sacred. Do not allow them to turn this into a family drams.

Tell your brother that you are terribly sorry that they planned this only a week in advance and that you and your H had made plans months ago to spend time together. tell him that it is not something that you can change and that you look forward to spending time together another time. PERIOD.

If he wants drama, he will create it, do not be a player.

Do not respond to instant message, get on the phone and call your brother and explain your position. Then leave it alone, do not allow them to drag you on to the stage, so to speak. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think there is alot more here than making the baby the priority and we can all see through it.

My brother included an e-mail that was dated 10/19, aparently I missed it. Opps- I get a lot of e-mail at work that is work related, I must have passed over it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

My brother and I have a problem that goes beyond this. Mainly due to my H, and partly due to babysitting (I had asked them to take my boys at the beginning of the school year, offered to pay them. They got back to me, wanted more then I could afford, so I declined- they took that as a personal attack and dug their nails in until I had to ask them to please leave me alone- it was not about them. They still do not understand.

he is guilting me- or trying to. I do not feel in the wrong here for going to the game. Granted had I put 2 and 2 together, I would have told them sooner. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />