D-Day was July 5, 2004. Since then he was back and forth seeing her. He finally stopped and has had no contact since Sept 12. He now keeps telling me that it isn't about the affair, he just doesn't have feelings for me. He has moved out of our bedroom and has been sleeping on the sofa for 2 weeks. Yesterday he told me this is not working, the feelings aren't coming back. I have been trying to Plan A it, but it's getting tough. Is this the fog talking, or should I plan B it and show him how hard it will be without me and the kids. We had a good marriage before this all happened. The A lasted 5 months when I discovered it.

Me (36)
Wh (36)
D7 and D5
Married 10 Years
Together 17 years

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jkhippy:
<strong> D-Day was July 5, 2004. Since then he was back and forth seeing her. He finally stopped and has had no contact since Sept 12. He now keeps telling me that it isn't about the affair, he just doesn't have feelings for me. He has moved out of our bedroom and has been sleeping on the sofa for 2 weeks. Yesterday he told me this is not working, the feelings aren't coming back. I have been trying to Plan A it, but it's getting tough. Is this the fog talking, or should I plan B it and show him how hard it will be without me and the kids. We had a good marriage before this all happened. The A lasted 5 months when I discovered it.

Me (36)
Wh (36)
D7 and D5
Married 10 Years
Together 17 years </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1. He is babbling the classic WS stuff. Let him know that.

2. He is right about 1 thing....it ain't working. What he is going t/d about it? It means make it right for his family not his WS self. It means to make it for his H self not his WS self.

3. Consider the fact that he is still pining for the OW and contact is probably still happening, even if it is only in thought. Still dangerous.

4. Have you contacted a MC &/or Steve @ MB?

5. What have you read? Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs, etc.?

6. Look about securing your finances. WS' have a tendancy to give all away. Be safe, not too trusting.

7. Pray for a calm heart, clear mind and lots of patience.

8. Identify your boundaries, secure your immediate support groups, keep posting here.

Lots of work for you ahead. Don't expect to change him. That's his job. You work on strengthening you.

take care,
L.

I'm in the same boat and hearing the same crap. My W hasn't gave me the "this isn't working speech", so far. I would say that this is fog just based on the stories I've seen on this board so far. Hang in there, you have a lot of history and kids with this man.

Sometimes, I really think WS says this crap just to test how much we really love them and what hell we'll go through for them. What do his actions say? Are you seeing MC? My W spews forth this fog, yet I see her taking steps to work on M (I just need to be patient because I want more steps).

H has ended the A, did you see the w/d signs, very important. Now plan A away and expect nothing, ande I mean nothing from H. Just be happy he is under same roof and you get the opportunity to work on the M (Sounds stupid doesn't it, we deserve so much more than that). Hang in there.

He now keeps telling me that it isn't about the affair, he just doesn't have feelings for me.

He doesn't know the dynamics of affairs. He doesn't have feelings for you because he is in withdrawl. It IS because of the affair. But, don't bother trying to discuss this with him. Him hearing the facts won't make a difference about how he feels . Only time will make a difference. (and maybe anti-depressants if he'll take them)

He has moved out of our bedroom and has been sleeping on the sofa for 2 weeks.

Time for you to go shopping! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Victoria Secrets ... and walk around the house accidently showing some little piece of lace peeking out ... but don't overtly come on to him... just be very casual about bending over, and brushing up against him... not too obvious.

Yesterday he told me this is not working, the feelings aren't coming back.

Again... not enough time has passed. Try not to take it personally as an indication of you desirability or loveability. It's all about him.

I have been trying to Plan A it, but it's getting tough.

Then go shopping!

Laugh a lot.

Bring some new music home.

Do some things very differently than your usual routine.

Become a little mysterious.

Is this the fog talking, or should I plan B it and show him how hard it will be without me and the kids.

Noooo not Plan B while he is still in withdrawl. Plan B is if he is still in the affair and undecided about who to choose but he finds BOTH of you attractive. Wrong timing.

We had a good marriage before this all happened. The A lasted 5 months when I discovered it.

Be excellent to yourself.

Shop. Manicures. Hair treatments. Get a little tattoo. Do something BOLD that makes your husband wonder, "hmmmmmm ... what is she up to?"

Have some FUN .... invite him along, and if he says "No" ... go have fun anyway.

Pep

Pep! That was an excellent post. Especially the Vic's Secret part. I, as a gentleman, can very much appreciate that part of plan A. Bathrobes falling out of place work for me. (Just call it a "wardrobe malfunction")

Thanks everyone, I have to say your responses put a smile on my face. H started on AD 1 1/2 ago, I'm hoping they will kick in. We have been seeing a MC since August, however, she has started to just see him because she said he has all this stuff to deal with and can't work on the marriage until he gets thru it. I have also been seeing her myself. Just a very depressing time for me. My baby just started full day kindergarten, our 10th anniversary was in August, and all of this. I just had no clue he was so unhappy. He always has done what he wanted: golf on the weekends (both days), basketball with friends on Mondays, breakfast with his friends on Thursday, season tickets to football with his friends, I don't no what was so wrong with his life. Thanks for all the understanding!

Thats funny about the bathrobe. My WH actually had the nerve to chastize me for changing clothes around him. He moved out on his own and will occasionally stop by to do household things, or pick up items. I told him "too bad, this is my house". Is it because seeing me stirs feelings he is trying to hold back, or is it just that he has been alone. I am not sure if NC with the OW is in place or not. He doesn't deny that he is still aroused by me but he has made the comment that even after sex he doesn't feel any closer to me. So with that I chose to not engage in sex with him until he is out of the fog. Is that the right thing to do, or so I have sex even though I know it doesn't mean anything to him? Man am I confused. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I can't really tell you much about whether to have sex with H. I read somewhere that it releases hormones and stuff and can cause that "in love" feeling. I guess if you like it, go for it, you are married.

He's being stupid about the whole change of clothes thing. I don't know a guy who doesn't like to peek. I think he is trying to rattle you. My FWW won't change her clothes in front of me. When she gets home from work, she takes her change of clothes to the bathroom. I have to admit, sometimes I thank her (in my mind) for that as seeing her in the buff and not being able to touch would kill me now. Let's remember, we've been together 10 years. I've seen her naked thousands of times, we've had S hundreds to thousands of times. I've witnessed the birth of our child...and she doesn't want me to see her naked. Are you kidding me?

I don't care, I strut butt naked in front of her with everything hanging out. See what she's missing!

My husband hasn't touched me since D-Day. I said it is kind of funny, he could have S with me while he was having S with her, but now he can't touch me. I feel like he tries to keep his distance because he's affraid those feelings are there and for some reason doesn't want them back. I have been strutting around in my Victoria Secret's stuff, he always tries not to look. I feel like he's affraid to admit maybe these feelings were always there and that makes the A so much worse. I think he convinced himself he couldn't be doing this to me and have feelings for me.

Me (36)
WH (36)
D5 and D7
Married 10 years
Together 17 years

When was your Dday. Mine was 2 months ago today. Happy anniversary! I can say for anyone reading this who has just had the bomb dropped on them I would not have been able to be so sarcastic 2 months ago. Matter of fact I was a blithering mess of snot and tears. Had the "1000 yard stare" going, still do at times.

I really don't get the whole "I can't touch you thing". During the A, we had SF, and all the fog she spews forth now didn't exist then. Now if I sit next to her, she moves a foot away. I could understand if I cheated on her, but it was the other way around. Little help from FWW explaining that one to me?

I still am not wholeheartedly into MB mode. Here is where I stop. I was a good H, met MOST of my W's needs IMO. I know I failed at others, the ones that mattered to her. I'll work on that, given the chance. But by all accounts I was a good H & F.

I still feel that my wife was just plain selfish, thought she could get away with it, didn't want what she was doing to see the light of day, and eventually would have ended and our M would have gone on it's merry way until the next A she starts. This is evidenced by the 180 switch in my W pre & post Dday. Like flicking the switch.

It's OK to wear your wedding ring while having S with OM, but after you get caught you need to take it off because you don't "feel married" anymore.

I had feelings for you H until you caught me with OM, now I don't have feelings for you and don't know if I ever will.

I can never imagine ever having SF with you again even though I was perfectly able to while the A was going on.

This turned into a rant, I don't know what I am feeling today. I woke this morning, showered, thought of W and us in bed and had those feelings that I really couldn't "do it" even if I wanted. I was turned off.

Happy 2 Month Anniversary B! I'm sick of this crap. I guess better to vent here than on W. Thanks. I'll soldier on.