My husband said he feels like I put him in a cage in our marriage. I have done a lot of thinking the last few days and have realized things. This is my letter kinda letting him go but still hoping for the best. I have not sent it yet. Just want your opinions first.


Dear Husband,

I realized some things the last few nights. I realized what I was doing to push you away. When you moved down to your sisters I handled everything totally wrong. Instead of giving you the time you needed to think and feel some freedom I made you feel caged even more. We went through the same routine every night. You would call, I would nag, cry, ask how you could do this and ask when you would end things with OW. I should have realized this was just pushing you away even more. I guess I was just so hurt that I couldn't see past the pain until now. Maybe this time you are down there is what we needed to get both of our focuses in order. I realize that I have put a lot of demands on the marriage. You want to know why I felt the need to do that? Because I was afraid of losing you and this very situation happening. I guess I helped create it in a way.

Maybe you were going to end things with her. But with me nagging you it didn't feel like a choice. Maybe you felt if you did it then you would feel forced. I know you see that it's wrong. I don't think I have to tell you anymore how much it hurts. My plan right now is to try to be patient. I will give you the space you want. I am working on myself because I do realize I have many things I can improve.

I have so many goals after the baby is born. I want to join a gym. My goal is to get the weight off in six months. I want to find a job maybe closer to home and work a little more hours. I want to take some classes once we get some of the bills paid off. I want to do more things with the kids. And I want to work on meeting your needs. I know I suck at communication and listening. I think with Nancy's help I can be better. Plus much more.

My love is still the same for you as when I first fell for you. I know you are a good man. We all lose our way from time to time. And I will do my best to wait here and give you the time you need to figure things out.

<small>[ November 10, 2004, 03:19 PM: Message edited by: DreamingofHappiness ]</small>

Bump... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DreamingofHappiness:
<strong>
Maybe you were going to end things with her. But with me nagging you it didn't feel like a choice. Maybe you felt if you did it then you would feel forced. I know you see that it's wrong. I don't think I have to tell you anymore how much it hurts. My plan right now is to try to be patient. I will give you the space you want. I am working on myself because I do realize I have many things I can improve.

I have so many goals after the baby is born. I want to join a gym. My goal is to get the weight off in six months. I want to find a job maybe closer to home and work a little more hours. I want to take some classes once we get some of the bills paid off. I want to do more things with the kids. And I want to work on meeting your needs. I know I suck at communication and listening. I think with Nancy's help I can be better. Plus much more.

My love is still the same for you as when I first fell for you. I know you are a good man. We all lose our way from time to time. And I will do my best to wait here and give you the time you need to figure things out. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmm,
I saw your post earlier but I was hesitant to respond because I don't agree with the letter at all. IMHO, it seems too apologetic, he did cheat on you right? I mean, you shouldn't be apologizing repeatedly for him stomping on your marriage vows like he was mashing a beer can,right? There is no excuse for infidelity.

I don't think you want to write him a scathing letter either, I mean who wants to read a letter that tells us we suck right?

Maybe you were going to end things with her. But with me nagging you it didn't feel like a choice.

I totally disagree with this line of mental telepathy, please don't set him up as this saint and you some stumbling emotional head case....HELLO SISTER, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ohh even if you were...he assisted very much in making you that way! If your H out of the home maybe he is still seeing OW and making up his mind as well, right as we speak. I don't think you want to give him a license to fence sit or bounce around deciding which of you he'd rather be with.

How about telling him that you apologize for being needy or acting needy, and that you are in the process of unlearning those desperate emotional actions which don't seem to help the matter. I've got a feeling he manipulates you alot, makes you feel apolgetic for most anything you do, say or insinuate that he doesnt agree with right? The tone of this letter is my biggest complaint, but I'm sure others will respond with more constructive advice. Please do me a favor and don't send this letter in the form its currently in, revise it, sound more sure of yourself, sound more matter of fact about what he must do to keep his family intact. These letters are not to pander to the WS but to convey your objectives in the best light.

Take Care,

FM

edited)for tone and misspellings..sowwie

<small>[ November 10, 2004, 03:15 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

Dreaming,

Your H is still in contact with the OW, I take it?

I agree with FM. I think you are too apologetic here. Did you contribute to the envrionment in the marriage that led to the affair? Perhaps. But..you're not completely, solely, or even MOSTLY responsible.

I have a question for you: does this letter reflect how you feel? Or does it reflect what you think you need to say to get your H to come back?

I do not believe that I made him cheat. To me no matter how bad things may seem there is no reason to turn to another person. I felt he should have come to me if there was a problem.

I do believe though that I have handled a lot of things wrong. I have been totally in his face, nagging, mad one moment, begging the next and constantly asking when he is going to end things with her. He is the type of man when forced or pushed he will do the opposite because he wants it to be his choice.

I was reading "Love must be Tough" the part about opening the cage door. I guess in my own way this is my way of letting him free to make his own mind up. In the meantime I am going to try to be strong. It's hard though with the pregnancy hormones going crazy.

I will try to revise the letter.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DreamingofHappiness:
<strong>

I was reading "Love must be Tough" the part about opening the cage door. I guess in my own way this is my way of letting him free to make his own mind up. In the meantime I am going to try to be strong. It's hard though with the pregnancy hormones going crazy.

I will try to revise the letter. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, I agree open that cage door, just don't condone his wayward actions, do not co-sign on what he's doing to your family and himself. Place the responsibility on him to correct his actions and get it together..you will be working on your faults, flaws and shortcomings, meanwhile he needs to working on getting this OW out of his life and back to the business of being your H and father to your baby on the way..right?

I don't disagree with opening that door, but work on the tone of the letter as far as you taking so much responsibility..remember you were reacting to a horrible situation, you were the victim here not him.

Keep Posting Friend

DOH,

Again, I agree with FM. The tone of this needs to change. You are taking on waaay too much of the responsibility here.

I think at some point, you have to stop "nagging and begging" and insist that contact ends. Your marriage is never going to move forward - and you're never going to feel settled - until that happens.

I'm not sure if this letter is the right place to insist on that or not. But...I think I would include a very clear statement of my feelings on the matter.

"I am deeply hurt that you have not ended contact with the OW."

That puts it back on him - HIS decision is hurting YOU - without seeming to be a demand. Hopefully, your husband loves you enough to not want to cause you pain. An appeal to his conscious might help.