Things have got me baffled right now.

About a month ago h moved back to our house, about 20 minutes from me.

( You may recall that when he left a year ago I had to move out b/c there was no money or car or firewood or food left. I got a job and I live at my job.)

He is there some nights, other nights I guess he stays somewhere else- maybe at the ow's in the city.

He isn't working anymore, and he has been dropping by to visit every few days. He has started to spend more time with our daughter, and she is ok with that.

Our anniversary 19 years was on Nov 2, and he asked me our for lunch that day to my surprise. He took me to a restaurant that he knows I like. He said he knew the significance of the day , but that wasn't the reason he was inviting me out, at least not the main reason.

We didn't talk about relationship or even wish each other happy anniversary or anything. We just ate and talked small talk.

He took me home and left, but a while later he showed up at the door and said he didn't want me to be alone on that night.

Same thing as on my birthday- he came by b/c he said he didnt' want me to feel alone.

One night a week ago, he was here visiting, and we talked a bit. He said that he didnt' know where to start with me- meaning I guess, that he didnt' know what to talk about. I guess I should have told him that it depends on what kind of relationship he wants with me. But I just told him that he can talk to me about anything, same as he would with anyone else.

He said that he has a low opinion of himself, and that I am the one person whose respect he wants more than anyone elses.

(The truth is that I love him in the agape sense, but I dont' have any respect left for him because of the things he has done. I admire some things about him- he has talents and abilities and soem redeeming qualities, but he is also a selfish man who will lie cheat steal, do amything to get what he wants. He has no integrity left in my eyes Idind't tell him any of that. I just replied that I still like him, and care about him.)

A couple of weeks ago he went to church with some believing friends, whcih we talked about after. He didn't have a 'spiritual awakening' or anything, but I thought it was interesting that he went. He doesn't call himself a Christian, he says because he knows he isn't walking the walk, and that he hates people who call themselves Christians but who don't follow Jesus' teachings.

I am not pushing religion down his throat, never have, but he knows what I believe. We have always been in agreement about mattters of faith, but he doesn't trust God enough to turn his life over to him.

Anyway, he has been keeping pretty busy with fixing things on his van and running around doing stuff for other people and presumably staying at the ow's, when he isn't at the house.I know he is still seeing her.

The other night he talked about getting me glasses, he has been giving me a bit of money now, and he asked me what kind of liquor I like to drink ( a question that struck me as something you might ask a woman you are dating...?)

I have been very leery about going to the house b/c I didn't know if I was going to show up and find him with another woman. I was there the other day and said how weird it felt to be there. (I asked him awhile ago if I was welcome there and he said yes, its still my house too.)

Anyway, he said that if it felt weird that was my problem- that I set it up when I asked him if I was welcome there. Them he said "this is still your house- I haven't changed anything- your stuff is still here, and (facetiously ) that all the other women he brings there don't mind my stuff being there."

Of course this wasn't funny, but it was what I wanted to know, and he knew it. I said that I didn't know, and I thanked him for saying that. It was his way of reassuring me that he isnt' having other women to the house, or in my bed, (in case my rambling isn't clear).

So we have been in contact almost every few days.

He has talked about taking our daughter to swimming lessons weekly. I am ok with that, (except I had a few moments wondering if this was something that would involve the ow's kids.)


The other thing that is new, is that he found out a few of the local men have been sniffing around, asking me out and stuff. He seemed upset by that. He said, 'Maybe I should start hanging around more to discourage them."

I made no reply.

He seems to still think of me as his wife, he wants sex with me sometimes, he wants to see D, and he has started talking more freely about what he is up to.

But he is still involved with ow.

The other day I mentioned that I might get laid off from work for awhile, and that I didn't know if I could stay here. He said I could move into the house if need be. I said , "live with you?" and he said he could move into the guest house.

I dont' think it will come to that, but I was surprised.

I can't figure out why he hasn't just moved right in with her.

Anyway, my prayer request is for God to tell me clearly if there is something I should be doing or saying differently. I want to have a relationship talk with him, to know where he stands, but I don't know how to bring it up or what to say without putting him on the defensive.

I want to know what he is thinking- where this is leading, if he has plans.

Maybe he doesn't know, himself.

I think he is experiencing the 'freedom' he wanted, now. I am trying to be patient.

Maybe I should just keep waiting.

Thanks for reading such a long post.

Shul

interesting turn of events, prayers coming your way, RR

Thank you Roughroad.

Bumping b/c he is coming for supper tonight.

I've got 180 and Plan A and Tough Love and I don't know what else, going on here.

I need divine backup.

You know what?

I just figured out when the turning point was..

It was a few weeks ago when I went to him and told him I was sorry for some specific things that I had done and not done over the years that he was holding against me, and asked him to forgive me.


Shul

Ok.

That went very well.

It is the first time in the history of our marriage that we have had a relationship conversation without him getting upset and shutting down.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

One of my prayers lately has been that God will turn my H's heart to his child.

This morning she had a really bad time, there were hysterics, and I couldn't do much b/c I was working.

But he came over. He had her laughing and giggling in a few minutes. He took her to the house and spent the afternoon with her, going for walks , watching a movie, playing battleship and stuff. She said she had fun, and she was in good spirits at supper.

She started up again later, but he sat with her and held her for a long time while she cried.

He said that he didn't know it was that bad, that she was so unhappy.

He was very quiet when he left.


The other thing that happened took me by surprise, and I haven't really had a chance to process it yet...

We were alone for a minute, and he brought up my apology from a few weeks ago. He said not to blame myself for our problems- that it was a result of bad choices on his part and that I am not to blame for things.

I think he has been doing some soul searching.

I feel completely wrung out right now. Like I have been in a battleground for so long.

If I start crying I don't know if I will ever be able to stop.

Shul,
I am sooooo praying for you ! o.k. so there, I just cried for you ! Take your time, don't rush anything, don't question the good stuff he is doing, rather look at them with a first-time-freshness, savor the moments and reflect on things. At the same time take care of yourself and your own needs, putting into perspective the good in relation to the bad (past).
Maybe you can reflect to him how much you do appreciate thewonderful things he has done for you lately and how wonderful an effect he is having on your D. Maybe eventually you can reflect to him that your impression is that he wants to take a greater role in your's and your D's life. The question eventually will be to clarify what TYPE of role he would like to have.

Praying for you,
Peace,
Odyssey

Thank you so much Odyssey,

That is good advice and that is exactly what I am going to do.

He is on his way here to drop off some books, adn I am going to tell him how great he was with her yesterday.

He is going to visit some believing friends today, and I am praying that God will use them in some way.

Shul,

God bless you (all of you). I'll pray for you too. The family unit is just as important as a healthy marriage and a healthy marriage makes for a healthier family unit. Show your D she is important by supporting the good things that Dad's been doing. A child's emotional security comes from their parents and how the parents treat each other. A pastor of mine told me once, "A man shows his children how much he loves them, by showing how much he loves their mother". It's true - and it doesn't always have mushy yucky romantic "love" - but respect and concern would be a wonderful start.

Sorry to ramble <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> . I was just answering a prayer request and you got it

Brown

<small>[ November 13, 2004, 10:29 AM: Message edited by: brown ]</small>

You are so very welcome ! I'm looking forward to hearing how things go!!!!

Still praying for you!!!
Peace,
Odyssey

The prayers are working!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I took my daughter rollerskating today. It didn't go very well. There was a scene. She couldn't get on her feet, and there were hysterics. She felt very insecure. (I was a big help- it has been 30 years since I have skated, and apparently it is not like riding a bike ).

I was doing my best, when I looked over and there was her dad, tying on skates. Somehow he calmed her down and managed to persuade her to stand up and between us we got her to go a few steps .

I didn't realise she had asked him to come. He drove all the way to the city to be there. I was so relieved to see him, I can tell you.

He was very patient with her, and encouraging. She felt safe with him holding her up.

But we finally gave up and the two of them went to an arcade and had supper while I wandered the mall.

It was a great success. He has been very nice to me lately, too. Very considerate.

I told him that he was great with her, and he is the only one who can get her laughing and relaxed when she is like that.

He can be such an amazing guy when he wants to be.

He has gone off to visit the believing couple tonight. He has been spending alot of time with them lately I think.

(Ironically, it was me who lead the wife to the Lord, several years ago, when she was going through a bad time).

I have a good feeling about this.

I only have one thing to say... well maybe three...
YAHOOOOOOOO, HALELLUJAH & AMEN !!!

Keep us posted !!!!
Peace,
Odyssey

Well, he was here again last night.

He just left a while ago. He seemed a bit sad about leaving. I guess going back to our house when we aren't there must feel lonely.

He keeps talking about the things he is going to do to fix up the house, as if we are all going to live there again one day.

But this is our home now.

He was very nice , but I am having triggers all over the place, thinking about the ow.

For example, he was sitting next to our daughter watching tv and stroking her hair- I suddenly had a vision of him doing same to ow, who has beautiful long hair.

When we kissed, I pictured him kissing her.

I have to keep pushing away these thoughts.

But he was not with her. He chose to be with me.

Shul

Shul, I recommended the book My Dark Places to you a while back. Did you ever check it out?

GC

Hi Gray,

Yes, I did.
I meant to tell you that I read it. It was interesting.

My husbands story is different. Dreadful to listen to.

I pity him. But I pity our daughter too. She didn't ask to be born, and I want her to have a happy life.

I don't know if we can ever live together again.
For now this is working. He comes over every couple of days and spends time with her. That part is ok.

Its the other part that is hard. I am more hurt than I realised.

I wish he could understand what he has done, what this feels like.

I ahve been through alot with him. Things that another woman would have left him for years ago, I forgave and stayed.

But this one, I don't know. This is different.

Hello Shul,

Time heals all wounds. So does talking about these things. If he commits to your relationship, would there be a possibility for you two to get some MC. I think he should be made aware of the damage this has caused you... he is already aware of the damage it has caused him. These things don't just go away, they need to be worked out. Can you call upon the church friends you & he know to help him in the awareness area? Just a thought.

Peace,
Odyssey

Hi Odyssey,

There isn't really anyone I can bring into this.

As with everything so far, this will have to be a God thing.

(But you know how he can work).
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Just at the right time he will read something, or see a movie, or talk to someone...and he'll get it.

He ought to. He went through the same thing (rejection) in spades when he was a child, and it has been an open festering wound ever since. All of this has been in response to those wounds.

It has to stop with me.

It seems he is stuck at the believing friends home for the night.

I see Gods hand in this...

Lord, breathe life into him.