could you help me write a letter to my H? I am really down tonight, and it got me thinking that i am sick of this roller coaster I am on. I see the station, but it never stops.

I hate being blamed for everything. I want to be happy. I want to be happy with myself. Right now I let my H dictate how I feel, and I am tired of feeling like less then a person.

Sorry I am not on the pity train tonight, or not trying to be. I just do not understand the rapid swings of my H's emotions or how I let them make me feel.

KMEJ, Weaver just told me over on Idiotville that she was off to bed. So in case you don't get a reply soon, you will know why. TT

KMEJ,

I am not really the person to help you write a letter to your husband. I just don't have too much patience for men who don't take care of their children.

I really like you though, I read your posts and I see a very young woman with two jobs and three little kids and a husband who is causing an awful lot of pain, granted he is very young too but that doesn't really explain his treatment of you all.

You are in a very tough position, but you are a fighter, you are incredibly strong and you have moxy. You just need a little bit more confidence in yourself.

I am just now learning how to set boundaries with my partner, I guess you could call him partner. I read what Pep, and Ark and Orchid and Mel write because I respect them and I know that they respect themselves. Not just them, but many other women on this board, too. That gives me an idea of what boundaries and self respect really means.

I don't know how to motivate your husband to be a good dad and husband. And I don't see how you can just up and leave. That is probably what he needs, a good dose of reality, get him in gear. With three little kids and two jobs, only you can make the decision of what you are capable of doing for yourself and your three kids.

I do know that once you "get it", he will get it or you will move on.

And you are doing everything right, right now as far as looking into yourself and at your situation. Questioning, learning and talking to people who have wisdom to share.

All we can really do is change ourselves and hope that the one we love will follow suit, and usually they do.

You are too young to have what you have on your plate in my opinion, but you are rising to the occasion.

Hats of to you KMEJ. Just don't give up, keep reading, keep learning and above all stay strong!

(((((KMEJ)))))

If it's any help....I wrote my H TONS of letters.....because I never could get EVERYTHING out that I wanted to say and because I sometimes came off in a very different way than what I meant because of the tone of my voice.

I think that this is a VERY good idea.

This gives you the opportunity to think while you write....and gives you time to make sure you get everything out that you want to talk about.....that way you don't have to feel like you are always adding something to the original discussion....which my H always hated.

Eventually....I started keeping a daily journal....and left it where my H could see it....he did but not on a daily basis. It helped alot.

Yes, like Miss Priss , I did also & still do. I write letters constantly, some I give to him or leave out for him and the angry ones I throw out.

We wrote tons of letters to each other, long hand while dating and it is a very good habit to start. Now if we get or are about to get into an argument we usually revert to letter writing to avoid a fight, and it clears the air dramatically while we get to say everything we need to say to each other.

We still have all the letters that we wrote each other in High School......I almost threw them all out at one point.....not sure why I kept them.

I haven't writeen anything in a really long time though.....but H knows that if he sees a particular notebook out that I will have written something in it.

We don't do the whole arguing thing anymore.....got old......but I have to admit...when he's driving and I'm sitting in the passenger seat is when we have most of our disagreements. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I wouldn't write something if we had an argument anyway....I can't keep my mouth shut for that long....I gotta get it out......but I never raise my voice or get angry when I feel the need to talk....anymore.

My H says that is one of the things that he really loves about me now....that I don't take his [censored]. He used to berate me for being weak.

did you H ever acknowledge your letters? Mine are almost always gone from where I leave them for him. SOme are in the garbage, Others I do not know what happened. However he never mentions them unless I ask

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KMEJ
Member
Member # 37888

posted November 10, 2004 07:01 PM
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did you H ever acknowledge your letters? Mine are almost always gone from where I leave them for him. SOme are in the garbage, Others I do not know what happened. However he never mentions them unless I ask
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now.....I KNOW this one.

My H did this very same thing.....even long into recovery.

My H is NOT a fan of reading ANYTHING....I think he thinks he's too macho....or something.

He didn't know I wanted a response from them....because I never asked for one. He would read it...and put it aside....and I would wait for a response...that never came.

When I asked him why.....he said....." I assumed you just wanted me to read it...I didn't know you wanted to talk about it". Cuz I never told him I wanted to talk about it after he read it......I had to spell it out. Give him instructions....lol

I was really bad about this..........like:

I would get mad at my H because he wouldn't notice something or wouldn't respond to something the way I thought he would.

I would sulk....and say nothing.

I ended up making things worse....because it took me a LONG time to realize that it wasn't fair for me to be doing this to him. He wasn't....and still isn't a mind reader.

How was he supposed to KNOW about my problem unless I told him. I ASSUMED he knew.

ASSUME nothing. Give specifics.

At the end of each letter....I would add....I would like to discuss this outside of this letter. That let him know that I wanted to talk about it.....not just have him acknowledge the letter.

now that makes sense. I will try that with the next letter.

How does your H approch the letter after reading it?

Well...this is funny.....cuz we haven't done it in a long time....but the thought of how my H approached it AFTER he read the letter still makes me giggle.

He would read the letter......and then come to me....look at me...and just stare at me.

My H wasn't a very good talker either....lol

He didn't know how to approach it....so he just let me know that he was reading the letter....and when he came to me I knew he was ready to talk about it....I had to initiate the conversation.

Now...at first my H saw these letters as me berating him all the time.....because I had written my feelings...good and bad. I will admit that some of them sounded a little angry....but I was angry when I wrote them...and I don't believe in hiding feelings or emotions.

I had to explain to my H that these were MY feelings....I wasn't ACCUSING him of anything. It was just how I felt about certain situations.

That way he couldn't turn anything around and try to tell my that it was my fault....and couldn't make me feel bad for saying things. I wrote MY feelings about his actions...non actions...or reactions....and those I'm completely ENTITLED to.

My H LOVED to turn things around and make it look like it was my fault...even had me convinced of it most of the time when he was done....but I learned how to defend myself against that.

Your H sounds alot like mine...though I'd say that your H is just a tad (probably more than a tad) more extreme than mine was....I think that's what gets me so riled up about him....he reminds me ALOT of my H.

do they simmer with age?

Actually.....I think they do.

I have alot of younger friends that are married...and they are telling me things about their marriages that my H and I have already been through.

Though they aren't alot younger....around you and your H's age.....I have noticed that the H's seem to be setteling down a bit more over the years.....though in a couple of cases....some have setteled too much.

I have to say that one of the things about your H that reminded me of mine was that you said your H never wants to go dancing...or to clubs or bars with you. Mine was the same way.

Now...he's willing to go anywhere...as long as we are both there.

As far as my H simmering....he's done ALOT of that. He's 33 now with a very high position job that he almost didn't get because of his A.....but he worked his butt off to get it......after he got his head out of it.
He spends ALOT of time with our girls....even gets up early in the morning after getting off at 2 in the morning just so he can see them for a little bit through the week. He's working nights right now...because he has to babysit his childish workers. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

So....I think that many of them do simmer with age....at least from my experience they do.

OMG.....please don't think I was trying to imply anything about your H with my post about my H working nights. I didn't mean ANYTHING at all by it....it just hit me how you might take that.

It's just something that I'm a little upset about right now......what with his workers being total a$$es and not doing their job.....making my H have to work crappy hours because they need a babysitter. Not my H's fault at all....just part of his job.

My H did lose his job over his A. And blames me for it. He is currently rebuilding his status in another company. He has managed to climb the ladder rather fast.
I think that my H has already settled a lot over the last 11 years, 9 as a couple. He use to not let me go out at all, and use to ask for my time slip that showed what time I punched out and compared it to what time I got home <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . drove me crazy.
H still does not like most of my friends. Judges them by what job they hold and not what is in the inside <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . I am very friendly and get a long with most everybody. I do get in my moods, but usually make up for it in some way or another.

H and I are just different people, I guess that is what attracted us to one another in the first place. I am very laid back, wishy washy even. H is very stubborn, set in his ways. SOmetimes there is conflict. Okay more then sometimes

no offense taken. I had not even given it a second thought. I think it is great that your H will get up early to spend time with his kids. I wish my H found that to be a priority.

It's so easy to blame someone other than yourself for your own mistakes. Makes the guilt go down so much easier.

My H ALMOST lost his job because of his behaviour while involved in the A....not the A itself. The higher ups couldn't give a rats a$$ that he was messing around. His co-workers and the people he was in charge of however lost ALL respect for him. He even lost his best friend due to it. Took him a LONG time to earn that respect back from his co-workers too.

Now.....just so you understand that someone else has had it bad.....or maybe worse than you....I'll post something I don't post often.

When the A came out in the open my H used to just leave.....always said he needed to think....blah blah blah.....well.....I got a call from the OW's H saying that his wife was staying in a hotel and my H was there.
Didn't take me long to get there....lol
They wouldn't answer the door.
He blamed me for him being there..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> .....wow....not sure how that was my fault.

The 1st time the OW's H ever called me confirming that the A was definately happening....I drove the 20 minutes it took to get to where he worked......walked right in...saw one of his friends and co-wokers and said...where is my husband? He yelled to my H that I was there....and I was pi$$ed. I let him have it....right there in front of all his co-workers. Not a smart move.....but I felt he deserved it at the time.

My H would actually tell our oldest daughter about his relationship with the OW. She considered suicide at one point....she was 10 at the time. He would make her promises and break them over and over. She wrote him a letter once and told him that he was a liar...and she hated him...and would forever.

Our oldest daughter is actually one of the biggest reasons it took me so long to decide if I should get back with my H or not. She didn't want me to. She didn't want to live with him at all....even if we were back together. Thankfully they have a good relationship now.

Now that's just SOME of it....there is soooo much more.

My H is definately NOT that person anymore...if he was....I wouldn't be with him today. He had to prove to me that he wasn't that person before I would consider taking him back.

<small>[ November 10, 2004, 08:42 PM: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</small>

what did he do to prove it to you? What made him decide to prove it to you?

Sorry about your daughter!

Miss Pris,

I find it really interesting how you got your H talking about the letters. And it gives great incouragement how far you have come in your marriage.

I think my BF is a lot like your husband, very macho and doesn't read much. He works on the railroad, literally, and never even finished school. He's smart but not at all educated.

And growing up with brothers who are very intellectual it has been a real challenge for me to accept that he is who he is.

I LOVE to read and sometimes feel that he is missing so much, and I miss being able to talk about books and authors, and ideas.

What I am doing, taking Pep's cue, is requesting on some of our dates that we read to each other instead of going to the movies or bowling. He will get interested in a book if I read some pages to him, and ask him to read to me.

I like this discussion!

I have found that if I really need to have an important conversation with my H that might be uncomfortable for either of both of us, we talk in the dark. It usually keeps our emotions in check, we are more comfortable to talk at will, and get our emotions across because we are not looking at the change of expression or possible anger building and get defensive. Those talks usually turn out the best. However it is not always a possibility.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KMEJ
Member
Member # 37888

posted November 10, 2004 09:14 PM
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what did he do to prove it to you? What made him decide to prove it to you?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H did anything I asked to prove it to me.....and ALOT of things I didn't ask for. Mind you I asked for very little. Just the cell phone...and honesty. To this day he still will bring home his time sheet on a whim and hand it to me....and I've NEVER asked for one. I've never had to worry about him spending time with the OW because since we've been back together he hasn't really spent time away from me....and what time he has spent away from me was spent with friends....that I know would call me even if they just suspected he was up to something.

This friend of mine used to date my brother years ago...and we had just started contacting each other again during my H's A.....now we are the best of friends.......and her H and mine get along famously......which I NEVER expected. This guy is the best friend that I could have wished for for my H. He's a good friend.....but he'll tell you when he thinks your being an a$$......he loves his wife and kids incredibly and it shows.

The FIRST thing he did though was give up his cell phone....that is how the contact kept continuing since the OW and my H no longer worked in the same department.....and by this time people were so over them that if they were to even look at each other at work.....someone would have been calling me. Eventually the OW was fired for not showing up to work....she just kinda went away. Although I do still see her H on a daily basis.......actually......our kids got out of school early today and on the way home we stopped at a local mini mart and the OW's H was in there....no biggie. I see the OW every now and then....no biggie about that either....she means nothing to me.

What made my H decide to prove it to me?

I told him I was over it....and moving out. I was at that point....was even willing to leave our daughters with him and his parents at that point until I could get a job and set up a place for the 4 of us....though we would have had it in writing. I have always been a stay at home mom....so getting a job was going to be hard to do....I knew it...and he knew it.
Told him I was getting off the roller coaster ride and not getting back on it. Told him that he'd SHOWN me what his choice was when he continued contact with the OW.....and if he wanted her....he was free to have her.

My H changed THAT day. I gave him a way out....but he didn't take it. I offered what I thought he wanted.....the girls....and the OW....but he literally begged me to stay. Said he only needed one more chance....because that was all he needed.

I can relate with the talking in the dark........my H and I have had our best talks in the dark. I have a problem with conveying things because of the tone of my voice....I just sound like a bit$% all the time....can't help it....I'm really not......so writing helped alot in the beginning....and getting my H to listen well enough to know when I'm trying to be a bit$% and when I'm not intending to.

I hear ya weaver....the whole macho thing.
My H REFUSED to read ANYTHING at first.....until he realized how important it was to me. He finally agreed to go to marriage conseling AFTER I threatened to leave......but we've had no counseling....just haven't felt the need for it since then. We've done a really good job of it on our own.....not that counseling is bad mind you....but I didn't....and still don't believe that we needed....or do need it. Everybody's experience is different.