Hi folks, new here, but have looked in a number of times. I and the wife have listened to the radio archive an attrative spouse- and I think it is a great part of our/my problem. I would urge you to listen to the radio interview (12min?), and please, please ladies, don't pass me off as shallow...
I suppose it would be easier to give a list of statements...
-I am a type 1 diabetic, I need exercise to help control my condition, which isn't great
-my W's family has a long history of type 2 diabetes
-I married my wife for a whole host of reasons, both "practical" and "irrational" (her voice, when soft and cooing melts me, and when she smiles it inflames my heart
- she is 5'0" and 170lbs
-the night we met, (10 years ago today) she admitted she was overweight (160lbs), but school, work etc stopped her from seeing to the extra weight. She ha promised to lose weight, when it comes to yelling, for the last 10 years
- she has, with goading followed by arguements, gone swimming twice, been on a bike twice, and used a walking four times
- her mother is HUGE and makes me retch
- the only thing that gave me any quams about marrige was whether she was going to trim down a bit
- I do not have unrealistic expectations- I would suppose 130-135lbs would be fine
- the girl w/ the hour glass figure from the guess jeans ads of the early 90's would be what my wife would look something like after losing some weight.
- i realize we are all far from perfect, I'm a "slap head"
- I like photography, art, history, theater
- I would love my wife to be a happy model for me
- we have listened to the radio programme- she accepts that I think that way, as, obviously, do many other men
-I like my wife to feel good about how she looks, I have taken her clothes shopping, spent ages dressing her for a ball and other things.
- she used to dress well, do her hair and make up when we dated. She rarely, if ever does so now.
- I have taken her shopping for expensive outfits
- we are usually hampered by what she can fit into
- her problem really centers on her tum, legs and butt, her legs are way out of proportion to her top half
- I suppose it boils down to she could be gorgeous in my eyes, healthier for now (she has NO stamina) and avoid or delay type 2 diabetes, feel better, less self conscious about herself if only she would lose some weight- rememnber, I', not looking for a 110 lbs waif
- she promiosed to lose some weight- after 10 years I'm feeling really ripped off
- It's so possibble- so close, so easy, so needed from a health standpoint, would cut a lot of our problems, and she just plain won't do anything. Mention, let alone try walking to church, and it leads to a stand up at each street corner
- she answers, in order I don't feel fat, then I'm fat, I don't care and neither should you, then you knew I was fat when we married, then she loses it and screams that she's fat and unattractive. I don't tell her she's unattrative (except once in anger and frustration), cause she's not, but she could look way better- for me- be healthier, fit clothes, and enjoy some exercise/recreation with me (swimming, a long walk, bike rides- whatever)
Please give me some suggestions- I'm hoping she will read this later-
Dissapointed, bitter, frustrated, afraid of our future health
Redcoat

Redcoat-
I am sorry buddy- be prepared for some 2x4's from people on here.

It would be one thing if your soul concern was for her health, but you stated many times that you want her to look good for you.

I will try to hold back and not be too negative here- and I am really TRYING.

Have you volunteered to go for walks with her? Going with someone else is much more appealing then always being alone.

You have Type 2 diabetes, which means you need to eat well- Why not join a weight watchers or LA weight loss or some place like that WITH your wife. Do it together. Make a full life change. It is really hard to pass on the ice cream, pizza, pop, and chips when your husband is making crumbs in the bed.

Are you starting to catch my drift or should I give you more examples and maybe a 2x4?

Even 2 x 4 are appreciated...any feedback

however...let me clarify

I'm the type 1 insulin dependant diabetic. I don't scoff much junk food- but she'll finish a family bag of tortilla chips or some such. I exercise, I walk to work, into the town centre, I suggest it would be an idea to walk to church. If she said gym, I'd hop to it. I've found, bought and repaired enough bikes to start a bike rental business (she hinted that she liked it at one time). I'm really not talking major work outs, or even minor ones, just something...
My wife, and I'm sure many others, give husbands an earfull, or at least a reproach if they never shave or get a huge beer gut...
I really do think the masrriage talk radio- an attrative spouse hits the nail on the head- I can't put an arguement forward better, and to see my concern, I'd really beg reponders would listen.

Thank you- I'd really like your feedback- especially from women

redcoat...

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be attracted to your wife. It is a true, honest, and legitimate need for a partner to have. It doesn't make you shallow to want to find your spouse attractive. Nuh uh.

Our crazy culture, with its split personality w/r/t physical beauty, has us all chasing our tails.

I don't suggest you beat your W over the head with this. Being able to have conversations with her about it, ones that do not insult or hurt her, is a larger challenge. But before you can do it, in a loving way (tricky, tricky, tricky), you should accept your need for it as legitimate.

GC

I believe that redcoat is presenting an absolute valid concern about his wife's health...AND a right to one of his EN being an attractive spouse....

He also has been upfront with this need and desire even pre-marriage...so it is not like he pulling the rug out from her at all.....

It is equal to all the EN needs...and does not reflect a shallow perception as redcoat presented it as it seems he is being reasonable....


This is a common issue and difficult

have you tried joining an official weight loss program....
weight watchers....jenny craig....dr. phil's plan
the benefit to those is the group support...and the fact that they often have result early in the program which are always motivating....

also have you tried just making the plans to involve a lot of walking activity without overtly
making it known that is what is going on...

honey lets go to the mall and walk around...etc..
lets go for winters night walk...etc...

you could also start reading dr laura's the proper care and feeding of husbands..it addresses some of these issues...and if she sees you reading it may peak her interest....

gym membership..
I love the local Y...

I think your feelings are totally legitimate...and reasonable...

ARK...

Hi redcoat,

I posted links to a few past threads about the AS need here before realizing you had already found your way to GQII. Thought you might be interested.

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 07:36 AM: Message edited by: DevotedHusb ]</small>

redcoat - Physical attractiveness IS a legitimate Emotional Need. It happens to be one of your "top 5." To your wife....ignore "top 5" Emotional Needs at your own peril. Ask any of us here about the importance of, or the risk of not, meeting our spouse's top 5 EN's.

But, in your case I am going to depart from my "usual" self and tell you that your wife is playing russian roulette with her health.

Overweight alone is bad enough on all the systems of the body, but when you throw in diabetes, you are asking for major health problems.

I work a lot with Kidney Failure patients and diabetes is the most common culprit. Through in some high blood pressure and too much volume in the system and organs can be damaged and/or destroyed. Once gone, kidneys, hearts, etc. don't "repair" themselves. Three days every week their life revolves around being hooked up to a dialysis machine. Add to that poor circulation, and a goodly number of them are losing body parts a "piece at a time," usually starting at the feet and working it's way up. They can't go many places, they have to watch ALL their intake all the time, they have mental changes, and even if they are fortunate enough to get a kidney transplant, the transplant doesn't last forever. One of my clients is a lady who has had 3 transplants and is back on hemodialysis.

Your wife sounds a lot like me. I dislike excercise "just for the sake of excercise." I don't mind it if there is something interesting to do (Raquetball, golf, etc.) but "just to excercise" is not my thing so it's a mental fight to stay motivated. Starting is easy, mantaining is hard.

I have worked with some very large people and you try to do the best you can to help them, but the weight is an issue that is often difficult to overcome. The two heaviest women I had to help were 650 pounds and 900+ pounds.

So yes, your wife is right, you married her "heavy." Your desire for "physical attractiveness" is legitmate, but not as the SOLE reason for your wife (or any of us) to loose weight. The primary reason is for her own health and mental well-being. It has to be about HER, not you, if she is to be motivated and dedicated enough to "get there" for herself. You simple get to enjoy the benefit of her self-improvement campaign.

Personally, I think "extremes" of any kind are bad. But the weight issue is one that we all suffer from, in large part, because of the country we live in and our lifestyle. We push the idea of "accept me as I am" even if it's grossly outside the "norm" or what's good for our health. "Love me for my mind, not my body" is the sort of excuse that is used. Call it an "affair with food" if you'd like, but it's still putting one's own personal "desires" ahead of our spouses legitimate Emotionnal Needs.

There ARE some folks who are genetically predisposed to being large. But for most of us, the route to the "big and tall section" is through our mouths. Toss in a slowing metabolism as we get older...and the famous "middle age spread" becomes a quick reality.

God bless.

No different than my WH that used my smoking against me. If he yaps about it - I'll never quit..

No different than his A's - if I yap about them he'll get gratification from ticking me off...


Let it alone...I have a nice figure and my WH doesn't love me anymore for it...I take excellent care of myself (except for smoking) and he could care less...My WH prefer plumper/less attractive women..go figure...why or why did he marry me?????

Go slowly - help her to eat right, care about herself, exercise with her...give her a reason to lose weight and feel good about herself..She needs motivation...to do it..

My WH gave me a reason to quit smoking a few years ago -said he'd give me more sex...hahhaha,,he didn't live up to his end of it so I started smoking again and he probably started having more sex - elsewhere.....

Start the South Beach Diet - it's easy and you really lose..Don't go on the diet I was pushed onto - The Adultery Diet..it has alot of "side effects"....

redcoat,

I just have one problem with your post.It seems to me that because your W didn't live up to her part of the "bargain" that you feel "ripped off".

Well,to my understanding,we don't stand up at the alter and make deals like losing weight or making X amount of money or buying a mansion or getting bigger breasts,etc.You married your wife as is,for better or worse,taking vows to love honor and cherish each other.And now you are holding her weight issue against her.Look,there is nothing wrong with desiring an attractive spouse.It is a need for most people,I would say.But you can't backpedal now and say you were ripped off.

I agree that it would definitely be in your W's best interest to be in better health but I think because your W doesn't look like some standard you may have in your mind is now presenting as a big problem for you and you are conflicted.Your W has issues she needs to work on(self esteem) and making her feel poorly about herself isn't going to help anyone.Something like losing a large amount of weight takes a long time and she needs help to do it.She has to have to desire to do so as well and I get the feeling that maybe she isn't getting as much support at home as she could be.Perhaps I am wrong.

Ultimately,this will be her decision to get help or not.And,just like WS's,they have to want to come back to the realtionship to make it better and if they don't you can't do it alone.The best thing you can do is take great care of yourself,set a good example of fun and perseverance and be supportive.You can't change anyone but yourself.The more you try to pressure/change other's,they will balk.

O

Redcoat,
I kept flashing back to my smoker days when I was reading your post. I knew it was bad for me, afterall I was the one hacking every morning. Everytime I went to the doctor I knew I would get the "you need to stop smoking" speech. My husband, who was not a smoker, was always on me about it too. And here's the thing, I always really wanted to quit but I knew I wouldn't quit until the cost---money, health, smell, isolation-since everywhere is non-smoking--etc.--became greater than the benefits.

I quit finally after having bronchitis for the millionth time and called the doctor. I couldn't get into my regular doctor but there was a nurse practioner available, so I saw her. She was awesome.

Instead of saying--"you know you really need to quit smoking--blah, blah, blah..," she said "I know you have probably heard the speech that you should quit smoking a bunch of times and probably expect me to give it too, since you are here with an illness most likely brought on by your smoking. But look at me, I am probably 50 pounds overweight and I know I should lose weight but just can't seem to do it. What I am going to do is write you a perscription for Well butrin, an anti depressant that has helped people quit smoking, fill it if you want or throw it away--it's up to you."

I can't describe how hopeful she made me feel. I did fill that script and quit smoking just a month or so later. I have been an ex-smoker for almost 3 three years now. She didn't shame me, or label me or even try to guilt me for wrecking my own health into quitting. She just gave me a tool to help but more important she treated me with respect instead of a "dirty" smoker who's ruining her health.

Are there tools to help your wife lose the weight? Eating is a lifelong pattern and it would be hard to change without support and help. I think that eating too can be like an addiction and if that is true I wouldn't proceed without the help of a professional. My first husband was an alcoholic and wouldn't get sober until his work and I both said you are out of here unless you check into this treatment center. He checked in and had many years of sobriety before he died. It isn't true that you have to wait until they want help. He went into treatment mad as a wet hen and not wanting to be there at all, swearing he was only doing it to keep his job.

I don't know if any of that helps at all. I can totally understand both your frustration and what I imagine is your wife's beat up self esteem and self image. It can be a balancing act to ask for change with respect and without hurting the other's feelings. I would get a counselor who understands food issues involved.

Thank you all for your replies.

Some updates. My wife was upset that I posted the statements I did without consulting her first, though I suggested that without her input/editing, I presented the situation more accurately as I saw it.

She tells me she agrees with some of the responses, though her nature is to stick in her heels to anytghing I say, even if only for the sake of sticking in her heeels.

Thank you for the suggestion of the book by Dr Laura- it is one of the best reads I've had, and the wife read the chapter on sex, what sex?, which she says has valid points. I am rather disappointed that I said many of the same things for years, but she is only considering the concerns I have had as valid since someone else actually wrote about them.

I pawned a family heirloom (my family, not hers) to send her on a girls weekend away (they'd organized it weeks before- but we ran out of cash this month) and she had a good talk with one of her old school friends, who is experiencing the same thing- with her husband! So, it seems not be just a male thing. The wife is a bit shifty about paying me back- she doesn't know what the item is, and I dare not tell her what it is.

In all, things are getting a bit better.

Thanks,

Redcoat.