How were you told by your WS about an A?

Were you told by phone, in person, in writing, in a counselor's office, in a public place, in a drunken state?

By the OW...after I found her phone number on my H pager and cell phone.

Mine told me because she knew car4love (OMW) was trying to contact me. It was an EA then, but even then my WW tried to downplay it. She lied to make it less than it was.

She'd told car4love, when confronted a few days earlier, "I'm in love with your husband."

Dirty rotten sparrow. Two weeks ago she stole my email.

GC

Got into her email. Was no question about what was going on.

TT, I did the same. Actually, d-day was not that nasty, because of how much the sparrow tried to trivialize it.

It was a few days later, when I read her email, that all hell broke loose. I discovered that she was a$$-over-teakettle during our trip to Italy, which nicely explained her nasty attitude while we were over there. She was sneaking off to Internet cafes and emailing him love letters while I was scrambling around in a foreign land, trying to figure out what in heaven's name was wrong with my M!

Finding out, for me, took place over several days, but the real event happened when I was alone and read the emails. I chucked a beer bottle against the garage wall and walked around the lake in the rain. It was a scene from a bad 80s movie.

GC

How would you have wanted to be told?

Is there anyone otu there who was told without ever having to investigate?
I want to break this to my h as carefully and easily as possible. I am thinking of perhaps finding a sitter for the kids and meeting at a therapists office or something like this. Any suggestions?

There are a lot of people here who were told without having to find out on their own. I'm sure some will speak up soon.
Most of the time in those situations, the A has already ended.
Telling is going to be hard, no matter how you do it. I don't know how far along you are with this in terms of any guilt or shame or even if you feel any of those things.
One thing I do know is, you should spend as much time here reading as you can. It is VERY important that you understand how devastating this is going to be.

LM, everybody is different. I would have wanted to know everything at the time. My W avoided the hard parts by letting me find out on my own. I would have respected her more if she'd had the courage to tell me herself.

For me, courage and remorse would have been very meaningful. I'm sure I'd have been badly hurt, and might have freaked out, but I also would have appreciated my W for having the guts to be honest with me.

On d-day, I was calm and understanding. I made it safe and easy for my W to tell me the truth. I was skeptical about how much she downplayed the A. I invited her, very calmly, to tell me everything. I repeated myself several times - "Is that all you have to tell me?" "Are you sure there isn't more?" "If there's anything else, now is the time to tell me." And still she didn't tell the truth. In the long run, I consider that a sign of cowardice and a great insult to me. I showed my WW that night that I was tough and mature and that I loved her and was prepared to deal with anything she had to tell me. Her inability to come clean that night was a terrible failure.

But everybody is different. I've heard stories here of BS getting out firearms, stories of BS throwing bottles at the WS. You need to make sure you'll be safe, but you also need to be courageous. It's a very serious and difficult test of both of you. It should certainly be done in a safe environment, but I would recommend also that you give your H the credit and respect that he deserves. I would have appreciated it.

GC

IMO, how and when you tell depends on two main things: what kind of an A it is you are confessing and what kind of a person your H is.

If your H is prone to violence, do it in a therapist’s office. If he has a history of level headedness and no control issues you can probably tell him on your own. I recommend the kids be elsewhere (a whole weekend away maybe) as there will be emotions all over the floor from both of you. Home is a better place than a motel or hotel.

If it was something like a drunken ONS and will never happen again, telling him on your own may be OK. If the A was serious (entangled, as the experts call it) or long term, you may need to be in a therapist’s office. There will be questions you will not be able to answer to his satisfaction without assistance.

If you are telling him the A is not over and you are leaving the M, doing it in a therapist’s office may also be better.

If this is going to be out of the blue for him you need to be prepared for different reactions than when finally admitting his suspicions have been true. If there have been many lies, denials and evasions for a long time that may be more hurtful to him than the A itself (depending on the length of the A, of course).

Oh, and if OM is personally known to him (as in friend) things are different altogether. There is more than one betrayal for him to deal with.

I guess you could say it is a good idea to get an expert MC to help you prepare no matter how you confess. Things can be, and usually are, complicated.

Best wishes,

T

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 12:35 AM: Message edited by: Thos ]</small>

graycloud and TT...if you need an intro regarding my situation you can read it under the "Just found out" under "need some advice".

I can always cut and paste if you like too.
YOu mentioned the safety issue and that is on my mind too.

lm,

My W told me about the PA part - the very next day. I was out of town. It was 2am or so. I checked out of the hotel and came home on a 6am flight. I didn't shout at her or anything. I just told her I loved her - actually gave her a gift to remind her that I could forgive her and still love her. I think that went as well as could be expected. I knew about the EA all along. It was a constant drag on our marriage. I had no idea OM was even in the country, so if she had not told me, I would have not known for awhile. I'm glad for her confession. It made a lot of difference.

She gave me one "question and answer session" in which I could ask anything - with the promise that after that I would ask no questions about that (first) night. It helped. Later, there was at least one other PA event - and she has been much less forthcoming about that - except to say the it was unpleasant.

She sometimes tells me when she runs into him or has contact with him. It helps a lot.

I encourage confession. It's brave. It shows some respect to your H - rather than letting him find it out some other way.

I wish you well in it.

-AD

Thank YOu Thos...I just saw your post above. You too can read the intro.
I will definitely consider your post. I feel so bad for BS as he will have to deal with the deception. The om is a single neighborhood family friend whose sons I have practically adopted into my own home. The kids adore each other. In fact my husband joked around that I was having an affair with his teenage son...uh not quite.
My husband also has said that my relationship with this OM is liking sibling rivalry...uh not quite but whatever.
He has even helped intervened between an argument OM and I had. crazy making that's for sure/

I just read your history thread.

I think you need professional help with this. You should talk to MC before doing this. And not just about how to tell your H about the A. There are more issues in your M than the A. But then that is true of them all, isn’t it.

The fact that it’s all “crazy making” is also making it hard for you to know what to do and how to do it. And even if you did know what and how, I am not sure how your H will react, now that I read your thread.

Please read the articles on this site. Get a copy of SAA, HNHN and Torn asunder. Read them and have them available for your H after you confess.

It will be difficult, but it’s the right thing to do. I commend you for it.

Come here and ask questions whenever you feel the need.

It’s expensive, but I recommend calling Penny Tupy or the Harleys. They are the experts. They can carry you through much better than the rest of us.

With prayers (really),

T

Thank you for taking the time and reading my intro. Yes it is all crazy and I am trying to sit and sort this mess all out. Having the A made me realize just how bad things are with my marriage yet it also made me realize how sick the OM is and how sick I am for being even atracted and seduced by OM.

I want to tell him ASAP because I want to work on our marriage if it is possible. We have three children so our marriage has to work out but my question is would we ever be happy and what if he didnt want to work it out and things would just be status quo for me. I guess I made my bed when I was 21years old and I need to lie in it. Gee what was I thinking back then.

The books look interesting but what if my husband finds out about them before I have told him. He is going to see it while I read it if not open the Amazon.com package.

I was told about the affair over the phone in the middle of the night by OM. The affair had been going on for 2 months and for some reason he decided to call and brag about it. I have found out more since then from some of her friends that she has not and will not admit to. Fortunatley I have a very close frend who is a private eye,who did some survailance for me. I now know that it was still going on during her "plan A" attempt.

I was told about the affair over the phone in the middle of the night by OM. The affair had been going on for 2 months and for some reason he decided to call and brag about it. I have found out more since then from some of her friends that she has not and will not admit to. Fortunatley I have a very close frend who is a private eye,who did some survailance for me. I now know that it was still going on during her "plan A" attempt.

I was told about the affair over the phone in the middle of the night by OM. The affair had been going on for 2 months and for some reason he decided to call and brag about it. I have found out more since then from some of her friends that she has not and will not admit to. Fortunatley I have a very close frend who is a private eye,who did some survailance for me. I now know that it was still going on during her "plan A" attempt.

For anyone else wanting to read LM's story on the Just Found Out board, here it is.

LM, my H told me of his EA while he was deep into it. He told me at home, with no kids around, on the beginning of the weekend. We were sitting at the kitchen table and he said "I have something bad to tell you." I thought his aunt, who had cancer, had taken a turn for the worse or perhaps died. Then I sat down and he said "I'm in love with OW."

I've always appreciated the fact that he told me himself. I clung to that while trying to keep my sanity during those first days after Dday. I, too, commend you for being the one to tell your H.

When you do tell him, be sure to answer all of his questions fully and truthfully. Don't play down how you felt, or your reasons for doing what you did. Remember, it is not up to you to decide what your H should or shouldn't know. Any lies you tell him will hurt him much worse than learning of the affair. Believe me on this. Read other posts. It is a common refrain on these boards.

Now, if he asks you something and you know the answer will just leave him with bad movies running through his head (like did you do something kinky), then ask him if he really wants to know the answer to that question. Suggest that perhaps a better question is how the two of you can add some spark to your sex life. If he insists, however, respect his desire to learn the truth.

Another thing that will help is NC. Write a NC letter and let your H approve it and give it to OM or mail it or leave it under his door. Suggest that you move (unless OM has immediate plans to move). Your H will freak out because he is at work and you are at home all day and OM is so easily accessible to you. Try to figure out some ways to reassure your H that NC is in place. Cameras, recorders, whatever your H wants to help him know that NC is for real.

Your H will say and do a lot of hurtful things. Please don't listen to the words, the threats, the accusations. Listen to the pain behind them.

You do have a lot of issues to work through - time together, SF, how to POJA major purchases (motorcycles). They are by no means insurmountable and hopefully this A will serve as a wake up call to your H.